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Posted: January 6, 2018, 12:48 PM
He sent this text earlier :
"I know what it is now to have lost you and to be with out you. And that is something that has felt and hurt like nothing before. I know that my addiction has harmed the one I love. I know that a life with out you or a life with out drugs is a very easy choice. I'm not struggling with this. I know that for the foreseeable future I will just need to manage who I am with and social events. Any social events that are a risk. I will not attend. Any that you can attend I know I will have you to help me and give me strength. I'm an addict. I know my problem is only when I have it. So I must not." Does he sound genuine or is this just lip service? I believe he is genuine but then I hear a lot about addicts saying anything to get out of stuff, lying etc. He said he will attend my meeting on Friday, or I can come to the one he has been attending, or both. He is being very accommodating. The thought of this meeting terrifies me, what are they like? Any thoughts would be helpful | ||
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Posted: January 6, 2018, 12:50 PM
NY thanks again and happy new year to you too :) xxx
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Posted: January 6, 2018, 2:32 PM
Dear She, please be very careful with yourself right now. Hearing him say that he expects you to give him strength to stay away from anything makes my stomach hurt. My son is with a g/f that he is convinced he can save. They both believe they are ALL the other has, and no amount of reasoning has gotten through to him. They went from renting space in sh***y town to leasing space, and now have bought real estate there!!! It happened slowly, insidiously...both telling the story of how they love each other to death. Turns out that is true. If they don't walk away, it will be the end of both of them. Take your space, take things slowly. If it is love, and not dependence, breathing room for both of you can only help. Libby
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Posted: January 6, 2018, 3:11 PM
Libby thank you so much... I did not see that in his text, so you pointing it out is invaluable.
He has sent a few other bits: " I know you have questions and concerns. I know it is my action that has done that I know that you may never feel the same for me again. I know those things. I have understood and have thought of nothing but the harn and distress i have caused." " Would you consider relationship counselling for us? Maybe see how you feel after Friday. If you think we have a chance. I will do all that I can. And will do all that you want and need. At least a councillor may help us both" What do you make of this? Couples counselling?? | ||
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Posted: January 6, 2018, 3:56 PM
And this:
"I understand that at the moment it is easier to walk away right now. And I wouldn't blame you. I will do all It takes to have a loving relationship with you. But if you can't I get it. If you doubt you can then you have your answer. I want you, my love hasn't changed. And I know this is my doing. But I don't want you to keep hurting. I don't want you to live like that." | ||
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Posted: January 7, 2018, 6:18 AM
I've broken up with him and I am devastated.
Everything has been put into question about our relationship. Little things I remember in the past I have been questioning him about. It's not right, I have myself in knots, I clearly don't trust him anymore and so we have broken up I can't stop crying | ||
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Posted: January 7, 2018, 12:50 PM
Break ups are hard. No doubt it and nothing I can say will take that pain away.
However, just know, you are taking care of you and brighter days are ahead. The sun will come out again. And, you will be healthier for this. I am actually really impressed with your focus and ability to take care of yourself. Many of us struggle for along time and dive into the madness for much longer. Take heart that you are a strong person and know how to take care of yourself. I am happy for you that you are looking at a drug-free future. I know you are in pain now, so don't feel this way yet. But, from the outside, this is a very exciting prospect. Many doors are open and remain open because of this choice. Big hugs...I know this is so hard. | ||
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Posted: January 7, 2018, 2:24 PM
Parenting... Your reply has made me feel less alone, so you have helped me. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me.
So we met just now, last minute. We both did a lot of crying and he was remorseful and said everything I wanted to hear. I shouted at him and cried at him. I am so angry. I feel like I am being punished... I want him but I can't have him because I am too scared of the future. I am absolutely devastated. Thank you for being here xx | ||
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Posted: January 7, 2018, 3:21 PM
Prenting2 gives very wise advice. Coming from people who believed for a very long time that we were in control of another's decisions, and that we could "love" them out of their troubles, the best advice is to focus on you. Walking away now is hard, and it does not mean it is forever. You both need breathing room. If your guy does not respect that request, it speaks volumes. Maybe it would help to put a time limit on it....2 weeks with no contact??? Hard to say, as it is different for everyone. But your outlook seems bright, as you for yourself have firmed up your boundaries and declared that you want a drug free life. Bravo!!! Keep going...Libby
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Posted: January 8, 2018, 7:18 AM
Hello
thanks again for the replies. I am now doubting the break up and am having glimmers of hope that we could make it, eventually. That life could actually improve. Am I being a fool? | ||
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Posted: January 8, 2018, 7:25 AM
He is just so convincing that he is able to kick it. That his addiction isn't about the amount he takes, but the fact he loses control when he takes it. That he doesn't hanker after it and can do without it (I know this to be true, we would go months without it). He has cut ties with his friends who do it. He is attending meetings (his next one is wednesday) and going to church again. He is looking at a new property this week.
I just want to be told that we can make it work. I so want us to work. I told him that if I decided to give it a go, and he did cocaine again, that he wouldn't even get a discussion out of me. I would block him, donate all his stuff I have at my flat to charity, and if he carried on trying to contact me I would get the police involved for harassment. I have set my boundaries and told him the consequences. Would I be mad to (very very slowly) give it another shot? | ||
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Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: January 8, 2018, 8:49 PM
Hi - I might get rotten tomatoes thrown at me for my reply.
be aware my advice is coming from a mom (and dad) who has been going thru this for 4 years. many of the years were hell. my son is back home, working, still dabbling in prescription meds. going to a dr, still some involvement on the street. I still have hope that he can and will change. some weeks I see hope, some weeks I am hopeless. I know I cant believe everything he says. it is always half truth. and can be so convincing - he knows what I want to hear. that he's trying, and he will do this and not do that. then a week later, I see the same old pattern and I feel a flood of emotion. disappointment, anger, betrayal. I feel the roller coaster... we enable by letting him use our oldest car (270,000 miles) and giving him occasional $ for gas for work, cigs when needed when he was not working for a month. I say that I see the same old pattern, but I know there are small improvements - we expect and want to see more improvements sooner. I am holding my judgement for 6 months. your bf is doing better than my son. my son wont go to meeting or see a recovery counselor. I would say give it a try. you will know soon enough, in a few months or so, if your instincts are telling you everything is OK or it is not. You can continue to keep your finances separate, and make no large purchases together. let him be responsible for his stuff, and you for yours. Good Luck! This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on January 8, 2018, 9:02 PM | ||
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Posted: January 9, 2018, 6:12 AM
Hi NY
I am so sorry to read about your son and your situation, it sounds immeasurably difficult for you. But you have hope, and while you have hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I really hope your son can get through this. All those negative emotions you say you feel (disappointment, anger and betrayal) were all emotions I have felt in the last 2 weeks. I never want to feel that way again, and if any of those emotions return because of his behaviour, I will absolutely cut and run. He is aware of this and he knows I am being absolutely truthful. I do not need the heartache and drama. I would rather miss him desperately and be lonely for the rest of my days, than be repeatedly trodden and trampled on emotionally. I am going to give it a (very cautious) try. Our finances are separate, we don’t won property or any other large purchases together. We live separately. We were supposed to be moving in together and getting engaged – that is on the backburner for the foreseeable. I will leave his recovery to him. I am going to trust my gut, listen to my instincts and if something tells me things are off, or that he is hiding something from me…that will be that. Even if he isn’t hiding anything – I cannot live with a suspicious mind. Its not fair on me or him. So I will see how we go. Try and trust him again. Give it a few months and let him show me who he is. The worst that can happen is that I am delaying the breakup. The best that can happen is that our lives will actually improve, without drugs. Thank you all for being here and advising me and supporting me. You have been such a help in my darkest times. I will keep logging on to check if anyone has replied, and I may even need to come back for more support if we do end up breaking up (I hope not) xxxx | ||
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Posted: January 9, 2018, 8:23 AM
She, you are a brave, mindful person!!! Stay that course....sometimes when faced with repeated disappointment, I react with fear and paint all drug users as sneaky and dishonest. My apologies for that....keep your heart open, and stay your course. Check in once in awhile.....it is always refreshing to hear the success stories!! Sending peace, Libby
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Posted: January 9, 2018, 8:33 AM
Thanks Libby
I have told him we are starting from scratch. So no overnight stays, we will see each other once, maybe twice a week for a date night for the foreseeable. He will continue to attend the meetings every wednesday, and I am going to attend a different one with him on Friday. If I find it helpful we will continue attending together for the Friday meeting or if not, he will do his own meetings on a Wednesday. I guess we are finding our feet again and I need to build up my trust in him, but he is so relieved and grateful that I am not walking away and accepts that I may need extra assurances and may need to seek extra clarity on things. Does that sound like a good plan for the short term future? | ||
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Posted: January 9, 2018, 9:53 AM
Parenting2 - do you think I am making a mistake? That I am being naive? Just reading back through my messages and you seemed so relieved that I was breaking up with him. I would love to hear from you x
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Posted: January 9, 2018, 4:29 PM
Just keep a little cautious just in case. I do not know you or your personal situation enough to give you advice but what i can say is that once someone is addicted to something they will go to extraordinary lengths to hide it and as NY has said, after a while its impossible to tell what is a lie and what is the truth so IF he choses to carry on using in the short term or long term, you may not find out straight away.
I was in two minds wether or not to make this post as i dont want to make you need!essly distrustful or damage a potentially good relationship but you must understand the nature of what you are dealing with. We love our son and he is our own blood but we cannot tell if he is lying or - sadly - when he is actually telling the truth anymore and that really hurts us. | ||
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Posted: January 9, 2018, 10:20 PM
Hi,
Well, all these things are opinion and you have to follow your path. We all chime in and you can sort through what works for you. I respect all the opinions here and don't pretend to have all the answers :). I guess where I am coming from is... My son is my son...And, was a minor until recently. So, I had to deal with this stuff. I personally would never date someone unless they were clean for a long time. I just would not. Not that I judge the person or anything. Just that I have a strong boundary when it comes to addiction. I have often thought that if my son was a boyfriend, I would have kicked him to the curb long ago. I know I am extreme in this. Part of it comes from dating people in college who had potential addictions-I cannot stand lying. I already have trust issues, so don't need the added dishonesty that comes with addiction. When I was in the dating world (yuck. lol), I met someone I really liked. After about 2 months, he admitted that he had a past problem with drugs, but had it under control. I told him I could not talk to him anymore (I also had children in the home). Maybe it would have been okay in the long run. I don't know. Also, I work in health care, so I always think about STDs. If someone disappears, that is where my mind goes. I worry about this with my son. Drugs/addiction/lack of judgement/sleeping around...unhealthy people...Seems to all go together. However, this MAY NOT be the case with your bf. Just saying what I think about. Disappearing would be a no-go for me. I guess, in my mind, you seem like you are really taking a stand for your worth...and, I like that! Also, I guess, in mind, it is healthier for the two of you to work on each other individually. However, it really, honestly is up to you. There is no right answer. He does sound sincere. And, he seems to really want help. It may be okay for you. And, you can always change your mind as you go... | ||
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Posted: January 9, 2018, 10:37 PM
Just to clarify, I meant my comments towards addicts in active addiction. I have friends who are clean and straight-they are super people.
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Posted: January 10, 2018, 6:27 AM
Thank you Jet and Parenting. And everyone who has kindly contributed to this thread. I keep reading and re-reading the replies. Its heartbreaking to hear about how addiction has effected people's lives, but at the same time I am eternally grateful to you for sharing - it has made me resolute in never touching the stuff again. I managed quitting smoking pot (5 years), cigs (1.5 years) and ecstasy (10 years). Cocaine is the final goodbye (apart from alcohol - which was never an issue and I have to have one vice, right???)
Today I am feeling a bit MEH. I honestly don't know if my heart is in it. Part of my "meh-ness" is because my partner has been struck down with the flu (along with his mother) and so I haven't been able to see or speak to him properly. I feel there is a distance growing and I am becoming numb to "us"? I still feel so disappointed in him, I can't seem to shake it. I am just so torn, one minute I am sure it can work. This is a man with a very good job, is respected by many; someone who has (other than those 3 times) proved to be reliable and trustworthy and loving. Someone I pictured growing old with (this hasn't happened to me before) I am not sure whether I want to hold on because i feel that this is my last chance at marriage and love (I sound ridiculous, I know) - I am 37 years old. I was physically, verbally and mentally abused by my father growing up. My first boyfriend was 15 years my senior and in hindsight, groomed me and sexually exploited me. My only other long term partner was also physically verbally and mentally abusive to me. I had a long break where I was single - worked on my boundaries and self respect and concentrated on ME. Then I met my current partner. If this doesn't work out I don't think I could ever have another relationship again. I am just not able for more heartbreak. My partner has shown no signs of abuse. Apart from these 3 occasions where he has gone off on a binge (first time I didn't say anything, second time I told him it was unacceptable behavior, third time is this time) in which he showed me disrespect and disregard. This guy cherishes me at all other times! He is so thoughtful and kind and tactile, he dotes on me. We enjoy each others company, we value each others opinions and views. He has made me want to be a better person and has been there, supporting me, through some very rough times. He remembers things I say and acts on them, buys me treats, flowers etc. I have never been treated so well by anyone in my life - although I do not have much to compare it with, do I?? I don't believe he does drugs other than when we have done it together and those 3 binges. He doesn't hanker after it...we can go months without it and it doesn't bother either of us. As he has said, he learned at a meeting - that the addiction is when he loses control - not that he takes it too regularly but that when he does take it, he goes too far. And his solution to that is to cut the friends out, don't go to social events where it will be around. Just stop taking it. I just don't know what to think. This post has been edited by shelovesyouyeahyeahyeah on January 10, 2018, 6:54 AM | ||
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