The Drug Abuser’s 3 Weapons
Posted: April 10, 2006, 1:58 PM


Posts: 631
Joined: April 10, 2006



The Drug Abuser’s 3 Weapons

The family’s best defense against the emotional impact of alcohol and drug abuse is gaining knowledge and achieving the emotional maturity and courage needed to put it into effect. The people most responsible for the abuser may need more assistance and counseling than the abuser if an effective recovery program is to be launched. Addiction is an illness, one which has tremendous emotional impact upon the immediate family. The more distorted the emotions of these persons become, the less adequate their help will be. The best thing they can do is to seek help and treatment for their own situation, so that they will not play into the progressive illness pattern of the abuser and thereby contribute to the progress of the disease rather than recovery.

In trying to control and use the family, the abuser uses 3 primary weapons. The family must learn to defend against these, or they will become virtual slaves to the illness and may create for themselves emotional, mental or physical illness.

The first weapon is the ability to arouse anger or provoke loss of temper. If the family member or friend becomes angry and hostile, this person has been completely destroyed insofar as ability to help the abuser is concerned. Consciously or unconsciously, the abuser is projecting an image of self-hatred against the other person. If it is met by angry, hostile attacks, it is thereby verified, and the abuser in his own mind justifies his former usage, and also now has an additional excuse to use drugs in the future. The gods first make angry those whom they wish to destroy, and the abuser has a long experience of acting like a little god. If your temper is lost, all chance of help is thrown away, at least for the moment.

The second weapon of the abuser is the ability to arouse anxiety on the part of the family. When the family is anxious, they feel compelled to do for the abuser that which only the addict himself can do if the illness is to be arrested and recovery initiated. A bad check is a good example for this principle. The check may be written before, during, or after the drug abuse period. The addict does not have money in the bank to redeem this check. When the anxiety of the family members becomes too intense with regard to what will happen if the check is not redeemed, they secure money and cover the check. This relieves the anxiety of both the family and the abuser, but it establishes a pattern for the addict in the area of problem solving. The abuser now learns that his family is not going to let him suffer the consequences; and he may expect this to be done whenever another bad check is written or whenever he creates a similar problem.

More important still, if the family redeems the check, the abuser cannot redeem it and therefore this failure is made permanent. The abuser cannot undo what others have already undone. This increases the abuser’s sense of failure and guilt, and increases the family’s sense of hostility and condemnation of the abuser. The abuser is actually doubly injured. The criticism, scolding and moralizing add to the abuser’s guilt and resentment against himself and his family. The entire situation is thus made worse. The family did not write the bad check, but in making it good, they gave a form of approval while they verbally condemned the same act.

Abusers are propelled along the progress of the disease when the family is unable to cope with anxiety aroused by the addict. This is, in effect, part of the illness. Neither the abuser nor his family is able to face reality. The writing of the bad check and the redemption of it by the family are but two sides of the same problem. The abuser can never learn to solve his own problems in a responsible way if the anxiety of the family compels the removal of the problem before the abuser can be brought to face it and solve it, or suffer the consequences from it. This home training course increases the addict’s irresponsibility, and also increases the hostility, resentment and tension between the addict and the family.

The third weapon of the abuser is the ability to arouse guilt. It is common to hear parents say, “We don’t know what we did wrong….” And then go on to list all the things they thought had been done right.

Moreover, the abuser will often accuse the family of injustices. He may or may not have truth on his side. If he succeeds in making the family feel guilty, he can probably manipulate them. Most of us, under the pain of guilt, will try to make amends and be nice to the offended party. But being nice often takes the form of enabling the abuser to avoid the pain of facing the result of his actions. At times, a parent feeling guilt will actually provide the money for the abuser’s continuing abuse, enabling him to face tremendous danger at a point where he is especially vulnerable.

Tough love does not allow a child to play with a loaded pistol, no matter if the child accuses one of lack of love. And so it is with the family of the abuser. Parents are notoriously susceptible to the words, “If you really loved me you would….”. Even though there may be some truth to his accusations, love should not provide him the means to get high. Such manipulation is destructive to you as a person, to the abuser, and to the relationship between you.

Guilt, anger, and anxiety must be dealt with by the family, or the family will contribute to the progress of the illness. The family members must first learn to cope with their own problems before any beneficial effects can reach the addict. This requires help, just as any serious illness requires help from doctors and nurses. The abuser can continue to deny that he has a drug problem and that he does not need help, as long as the family provides an automatic escape from the consequences of his using drugs.


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Naranon Meeting Locator http://nar-anon.org/index.html

Expectations=Premeditated Resentments

I have control over only four things in my life -- what I do, what I say, how I treat other people and how I treat myself!

Email: Tryintohelp@iwantrecovery.com
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cpvon
Posted: April 10, 2006, 4:01 PM







Wow, tryintohelp, thanks for posting that! Great reading! What is that taken from?

Love, cpvon
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Posted: April 10, 2006, 4:08 PM


Posts: 290
Joined: March 19, 2005



Brilliant!

Passion

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It doesn't matter how you use it
Meth can kill you.

In Memory Of
William Scott Simmons
Oct 22, 1957 - Oct 16, 2004
www.scotty-simmons.memory-of.com
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Like build a bear then you'll love this!
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Posted: April 10, 2006, 4:13 PM


Posts: 2378
Joined: December 30, 2005



So many things in there that I used to do. Even reading that at the beginning probably would not have prevented some of it. With the help of those on this board I have learned to not do those anymore.

Thanks for the post.

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You can get busy living. Or get busy dying.

I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others.
Jennifer Louden

There are no excuses, just people with excuses.


LINK: Posts about understanding and healing.


A fool learns from his mistakes. A wise man learns from the mistakes of others. However, a brilliant man learns from what has been done right, and what others have done right, and avoids mistakes.
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Posted: April 10, 2006, 4:50 PM


Posts: 588
Joined: November 19, 2005



Great Stuff.

Lori
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Posted: April 10, 2006, 5:33 PM


Posts: 631
Joined: April 10, 2006



I remember I got this on the internet somewhere, but I can't remember exactly where. I have alot of this type of stuff in my collection, and Passion, I have quite a few things saved that you've posted.

I do know that Naranon has a pamphlet that has this exact thing, or very similar in it.

Lori

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Naranon Meeting Locator http://nar-anon.org/index.html

Expectations=Premeditated Resentments

I have control over only four things in my life -- what I do, what I say, how I treat other people and how I treat myself!

Email: Tryintohelp@iwantrecovery.com
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Posted: April 10, 2006, 6:55 PM


Posts: 370
Joined: March 17, 2006



Hi Tryingtohelp
I met you on another board. Now I have 2 Lori's that I can relate to about my issues. Again thank you for dropping in. The other Lori is a great peraon to know she has help me in so many ways and I do not even know where to start by telling her thanks. She has a heart of gold. Hi Lori did you get my email I submitted about a half hour or so. I know I need to go and enjoy this beautiful day here in Wisconsin it is 70 where I ive.. wooooow I know we go nuts when in spring it gets this warm off with those winter coats and throw on a sweat shirt and get out and enjoy. Catch you all later when the sun goes down. LOL

HUGS

Mare

Mare
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Posted: May 2, 2006, 3:54 PM


Posts: 631
Joined: April 10, 2006



^^^

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Naranon Meeting Locator http://nar-anon.org/index.html

Expectations=Premeditated Resentments

I have control over only four things in my life -- what I do, what I say, how I treat other people and how I treat myself!

Email: Tryintohelp@iwantrecovery.com
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Posted: May 2, 2006, 4:10 PM


Posts: 259
Joined: March 30, 2006



yup thats us we will lie cheat steal and manipulate you to get what we want.we addicts are only concerned with our own needs,and if we need to make you feel bad to get what,so be it! we will even make you believe that our addiction is your fault and now its your responsibility to help us in our time of need! by the way great post take it from someone who knows.

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Bruce B recovering addict.

And this too shall pass.
What dosen't kill us makes us stronger.
One must be strong,with strength comes serenity.
For this my son was dead,and is alive again;he was lost,and is found
luke 15:24
user posted imagehttp://i3.tinypic.com/x1m7g4.jpghttp://i3.tinypic.com/x1m7g4.jpgfile:///C:/My%20Documents/My%20Pictures/bruce-gail0007.BMP
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Posted: May 2, 2006, 4:26 PM


Posts: 2378
Joined: December 30, 2005



I always appreciate your insights Bruce. Sometimes we as parents, spouses and loved ones need the stark truth plopped in front of us. It may not sink in fully right away but it at some point you think back and remember the little tidbits.

Marysia

This is one that really needs read. I started posting in late December. It took me until late March to start letting go. I probably posted less than 20 times between Dec and March. I read and read and read. I had to sort it all out before I was ready to let go. This post shows why being stuck on the anger and bargaining fazes of grief get you no where. It is like a dog chasing its tail anger, bargain, depressed and start again.

That is why I like to refer to it as a merry-go-round. It isn't ups and downs but round and round. Don't feel bad that you aren't quite ready. Just keep moving forward. Work on you a little at a time.

--------------------
You can get busy living. Or get busy dying.

I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others.
Jennifer Louden

There are no excuses, just people with excuses.


LINK: Posts about understanding and healing.


A fool learns from his mistakes. A wise man learns from the mistakes of others. However, a brilliant man learns from what has been done right, and what others have done right, and avoids mistakes.
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Posted: May 2, 2006, 4:44 PM


Posts: 259
Joined: March 30, 2006



hurt dad,
ive read a lot of great things in many of your posts also.i try to take some good out of everything and apply it to my recovery.i know sometimes i sound bleak but its because i still remember the horrible things i said and did in my addiction.i honestly dont know why my family forgave me cause God knows i didnt deserve it! i figure that if i can turn this arround and use my addiction to help someone that it wasnt a wast of my life all those years.it truly makes me feel bad to know that there are people out there that are going through what i put my loved ones through.i can only thank God that i am able to see now what i was.and thank you all for helping to make me see that.

--------------------
Bruce B recovering addict.

And this too shall pass.
What dosen't kill us makes us stronger.
One must be strong,with strength comes serenity.
For this my son was dead,and is alive again;he was lost,and is found
luke 15:24
user posted imagehttp://i3.tinypic.com/x1m7g4.jpghttp://i3.tinypic.com/x1m7g4.jpgfile:///C:/My%20Documents/My%20Pictures/bruce-gail0007.BMP
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Posted: May 2, 2006, 11:11 PM


Posts: 76
Joined: April 14, 2006



Hey, Bruce, your kind of reality was exactly what I needed at the time I 'could hear'. It was like I was slapped across the face with the truth the night I accidentally attended a group of new AA members who were still in the beginning stages of recovery. Since they thought I was one of them, they talked openly and freely about their resentments toward their enablers. One young girl pointed to her leg that was in a cast, and blamed her car wreck, consequently, her broken leg, on her grandmother who had given her money for gas. Even as I realized that was the twisted thinking of an addict, I also saw myself. I can tell you, the truth hurts, but it can jolly-well set you free! I needed to be hit over the head to 'get it'....I 'got it'. and was furious, but knew what I had to do. I didn't do it all at once. I hadn't gotten to that place, all at once, but over time, with Alanon friends, I made it. Thanks, Bruce, we need you, Chloe

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Robby
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Posted: May 2, 2006, 11:33 PM


Posts: 259
Joined: March 30, 2006



thanks Chloe,
sometimes i hate to sound too harsh but i know the mind of an addict,i am one only in recovery.plus everyone i hung arround with were addicts so i know how we think.all i know is i dont want to be that person anymore aand i think im doing a pretty good job at changing.its not easy to teach an old dog new tricks but sometimes it can be done.not often but once in a while! i now try to take the horrible things i did to my loved ones and turn them arround to help others to understand.we in our addiction are very sick people and will do anything at all cost to get what we want.and we dont care who we hurt.its sad but true.glad to know that i helped you in some way!

--------------------
Bruce B recovering addict.

And this too shall pass.
What dosen't kill us makes us stronger.
One must be strong,with strength comes serenity.
For this my son was dead,and is alive again;he was lost,and is found
luke 15:24
user posted imagehttp://i3.tinypic.com/x1m7g4.jpghttp://i3.tinypic.com/x1m7g4.jpgfile:///C:/My%20Documents/My%20Pictures/bruce-gail0007.BMP
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Posted: November 1, 2006, 3:18 PM


Posts: 631
Joined: April 10, 2006



Bump

--------------------
Naranon Meeting Locator http://nar-anon.org/index.html

Expectations=Premeditated Resentments

I have control over only four things in my life -- what I do, what I say, how I treat other people and how I treat myself!

Email: Tryintohelp@iwantrecovery.com
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Posted: November 7, 2006, 10:01 PM


Posts: 86
Joined: August 28, 2006



For Bette...you are not alone.

karen

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Watch your thoughts they become words,
Watch your words they become actions,
Watch your actions they become character,
Watch your character it becomes your destiny.
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Posted: November 8, 2006, 8:28 AM


Posts: 1688
Joined: June 29, 2006



In a nutshell, the drug abuser's 3 weapons are

* Anxiety
* Anger/Loss of Temper
* Guilt

So true.
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Posted: July 24, 2007, 11:41 PM


Posts: 2486
Joined: April 18, 2005






~~~~~~~~~~~~~BUMP~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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NOTHING CHANGES if NOTHING CHANGES
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Posted: July 25, 2007, 6:36 AM


Posts: 2378
Joined: December 30, 2005



Added to the diary.

--------------------
You can get busy living. Or get busy dying.

I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others.
Jennifer Louden

There are no excuses, just people with excuses.


LINK: Posts about understanding and healing.


A fool learns from his mistakes. A wise man learns from the mistakes of others. However, a brilliant man learns from what has been done right, and what others have done right, and avoids mistakes.
  Top
Posted: July 25, 2007, 8:13 AM


Posts: 1584
Joined: November 6, 2005



This post is invaluable. Its uncanny how this is true across the board with addicts and loved ones. When you are in the throes of the addiction with your loved one it is so difficult to see the forest through the trees. When I read this I saw the dance I did over and over again for a long period of time before I finally was able to let to go. When I was finally hitting my bottom, it happened in degrees. Thank God for Alanon, this board and especially my faith which was increased through all of this. One of the gifts of addiction......
Reading posts on this board when I was in those dark days Corrine's posts stands out to me on the topic of lettng go. She really touched my soul be her words and thank God I had this board then. Hearing from addicts like Darin helped me stay strong and know that letting go was the best thing to do.
This post is priceless and I hope every parent who is currently facing a child's addiction reads this.

--------------------
All things are possible through God.
Ask and you shall receive
Seek and you shall find
Knock and the door shall be opened unto you

When you pray, you activate God's power.
Every time you pray something happens!
The faithless are like an empty vessel and are more vulnerable to events that are out of their control.
Pray at stop lights.
Without faith it is impossible to please Him.
When you pray, pray for His will.
God is Good............all the time!!!!!
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