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Posted: January 6, 2006, 4:02 PM
Grief Process for Family Members with Dependent Loved Ones
Family Emotional Stages Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book, On Death and Dying, describes a five-step process that dying people experience in accepting their death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. A family who has one of its members affected by a life-controlling problem will experience the same process. According to mental health professionals, people experience these stages whenever there is any loss, major or minor. They may go through the stages as listed, or they may jump back and forth from one to another). Denial Sue was surprised when she received a call from the police telling her that her daughter had been arrested at the shopping mall for shoplifting. She denied that Jennifer could do this because she had everything a sixteen-year-old girl could want. The family lived in the nicest area in the city, had a swimming pool in their backyard, membership to the country club, and Jennifer had her own sports car. Sue refused to accept the reality that Jennifer was a shoplifter. She said, "There must be a mistake; Jennifer would not do such a thing. Besides, taking a $10 bracelet is no big deal! After all, girls go through these stages when they sow their wild oats." Sue felt she was in control of Jennifer and could shield her from future problems. She used denial to help herself with the shock and for protection from reality. To help a person in denial, the helper should work to gain the denier's confidence. The person suffering from denial needs help in feeling safe to the point of taking a look at what is really happening. The helper needs to see that the victim is controlling his or her life and that denial distorts thinking. Anger While sitting in her office completing a business deal with a client one afternoon, Sue received a call from the high school principal. He asked her to come to the school immediately because Jennifer had stolen a wallet from one of the students. Sue became angry and cursed him on the telephone. She told the principal that the environment at the school contributed to drugs and stealing. After thinking more about Jennifer, Sue became angry with God and herself. She blamed God for the problem. She angrily talked to God saying, "Why me, God? Why is this happening? Jennifer has everything a teenager could want." Sue blamed herself. She said, "If I were a better person, Jennifer would not be getting into trouble." She blamed the church youth program for not having a good enough ministry to help Jennifer stay out of trouble. A person in the anger stage needs help in seeing how his or her life is being controlled and preoccupied by the victim. Being aware of the anger and not permitting it to become a stronghold is important. A person in the anger stage should be encouraged to share feelings. Helping the person to take a look at what the anger is doing to the marital relationship is also encouraged. The helper needs to be a good listener, remembering that the anger stage is normal. Bargaining Sue began to strike a bargain with herself, others, and God. She contracted with herself to be a better housekeeper and to lose 20 pounds within 60 days. She also struck a deal with Jennifer. She agreed to buy her a new car if she would refrain from shoplifting. Deals were made with God on behalf of Jennifer. Sue promised to join the PTA if God would help Jennifer stop shoplifting. She also promised to teach a Sunday school class and increase her financial support of the church. A person in this stage needs to understand that help for a friend or loved one does not depend on one's performance. The helper should encourage the bargainer to look closely at our powerlessness to change another person. Depression In this stage, Sue began to experience extensive pain because she saw no hope for Jennifer. With reality setting in, she felt the pain of losing a child to shoplifting. Grief filled her life when she thought about her parental relationship to Jennifer. This time was particularly tough for Sue because she also felt the pain of a marriage to a passive husband and father to Jennifer. Melody Beattie in her work on the grief process states: When we see our bargain has not worked, when we finally become exhausted from our struggle to ward off reality, and when we decide to acknowledge what life has socked to us we become sad, sometimes terribly depressed. This is the essence of grief: mourning at its fullest. This is what we have been attempting at all costs to avoid. This is the time to cry, and it hurts. This stage of the process begins when we humbly surrender, says Esther Olson, a family counselor who works with the grief, or as she calls it, "forgiveness process." It will disappear, she says, only when the process has been worked out and through. Depression is generally brought on by the loss of something or someone. Reacting to a loss is normal in the grief process. Archibald Hart states: When a normal depression doesn't remit within a reasonable period of time (at the longest two weeks) then it becomes a clinical depression and should be treated . . . it is possible for a psychologically triggered depression to be just as painful and serious in its symptoms as any biologically based depression. A person in this stage needs hope and help in understanding his feelings. The helper should encourage the depressed person to share emotions. The sharing of painful emotions helps one work through the depression stage. Acceptance Sue set an appointment to see her minister. She explained to him that Jennifer was also drinking alcohol and had stolen $2,000 from Sue's checking account. She said, "I've had all I can take. I have given her back to God." At the suggestion of the minister, Jennifer eventually agreed to enter a Christian treatment program where she received help for her deviant behavior. At the acceptance stage a person feels free to turn a friend or loved one over to God. This does not mean the person condones or takes pleasure in what is happening in the victim's life; instead, the reality of the situation has been accepted. This is a time when the wounded emotionally detach themselves from the one they love so much. If the victim gets help, the persons in the acceptance stage do not feel they have to receive the credit. They have accepted their powerlessness to change another person. It is extremely important for a helping person to understand the grief process. Without this understanding, a helper may give up when a person denies he or she has a problem. It may appear that the victim does not want your help or is just indifferent. If you as a helping person understand the grief process, you are not likely to take the victim's anger personally and bow out of the helping relationship. The mother of Moses recognized her powerlessness to spare him from Pharaoh's decree which called for each baby boy to be thrown into the Nile River. When she could no longer hide the baby, she prepared a basket and placed him in it among the reeds on the river bank. As the sister of Moses watched, Pharaoh's daughter found the baby, spared the child, and helped him grow into adulthood. Moses became a great deliverer because his mother was willing to turn him over to God. Helping individuals who are experiencing hurt behind their Sunday smiles begins with an environment of acceptance and love. Practicing the eight core conditions of helping along with care-fronting sets the tone for an environment of healing and growth. A person is most likely to level in this type of atmosphere. This helps individuals to face the reality of their need for God's help which is always the first step of recovery from a life-controlling problem or a relapse. Material from Understanding the Times and Knowing What to Do -------------------- | ||
Posts: 353
Joined: November 20, 2005
Posted: January 6, 2006, 4:05 PM
Cynical - we discussed and studied her in nursing school. It is also applicable to sickness, even the cold. One very important thing is that the steps are not always sequential, and sometimes we go up and down them.
Very interesting nontheless! | ||
Posts: 2486
Joined: April 18, 2005
Posted: July 24, 2007, 11:46 PM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BUMP~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` -------------------- NOTHING CHANGES if NOTHING CHANGES | ||
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