| < prev | post replypost new topic |
Posts: 195
Joined: July 6, 2018
Posted: February 2, 2019, 3:13 PM
I dont really talk about my daughter with others.Mostly because this has been going on for so long I would feel like a broken record.
If my co workers ask Im honest but save my complaining for my therapist and of course here. | ||
|
Posted: February 2, 2019, 3:46 PM
Thank you Sad Eyes, Mtn Mom (do you live in the mountains?) and Sallyanna. This message board is such a safe place. In fact, the only place I discuss my son, his addiction and depression. My family knows of the depression, but not drug use and I just can't shake this failure feeling. Maybe one day, but not today. xo to all
| ||
Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: February 2, 2019, 6:07 PM
#mom NOT fail :) Yes, I live in the mtns in Idaho. The more you try to justify what he does & what you think you didn't do - the cycle continues. It's hard to break but I'm going to say something that only 3 people in this world know. Last May my husband "loaned" our son $20,000 for a business deal that was going to help him really make money. My son worked for the Railroad for 12 years, EXCELLENT JOB, great benefits & retirement so my husband really believed our son was in a good place. Every fiber of MY being was screaming this is a huge mistake & we NEEDED that money. But my husband did it & almost IMMEDIATELY after my son receiving it all the old ugliness reappeared. Not calling, not returning our messages, etc. It was horrible & then he called about 2 weeks later & told me everything was ok, and he convinced me too. But then I started sending messages to him that we needed that money back NOW (we were building a garage) then he called & told us he didn't pass a mandatory drug test at work (on my 60th birthday) and then on Father's Day he called & said he had been fired from his awesome job. Then the 1st of July he quit calling all together - quit calling everyone in the family for 6 months so I had a lot of time to process. Then on Dec. 10th, the anniversary of my mother's death he called out of the blue, crying & apologizing & saying he couldn't live like this anymore. He never apologized for taking our money or hurting us or lying to us or not calling for 6 months or any of that, he came to our house later in the afternoon sobbing & bawling because the railroad ruined his life (his girlfriend kicked him out) & claimed to be living out of his truck. He was very distraught but was clean shaven, freshly showered, clean clothes, etc. He was manipulating us & I begged him to let me call a crisis center - he refused & he refused to go into rehab. GF let him back in & he couldn't act decent for 24 hrs. But this is all his side of the story & none of us know what the true story is. My hubby & decided no more messing around, if he wants to be an addict, that is his choice. I cannot fix it. He hasn't called in a couple of weeks & that's fine. I don't need his drama because I am VERY angry with him
| ||
Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: February 2, 2019, 7:51 PM
#mom I love what your message is at the end of every post. We all did our best with what we knew and none of us intentionally set out for this to happen to our child. I'm sorry your son has depression.
Mntmom I wish your son had not lost his job and had given you your money back. I'm always shocked (thinking of my daughter too) at the level of self destruction they go to. Addiction is so self destructing. Its self harm and its very sad to watch. | ||
Posts: 77
Joined: December 26, 2018
Posted: February 3, 2019, 1:07 PM
#MOMFAIL - Oh boy, do I ever identify with your post. I have a hard time dealing with the judgment as well. It cuts to the core of our identity as parents (I, too, feel like I failed as a parent).
I keep reminding myself that I'm doing the best I can... and I am. It may not be enough, but I'm definitely trying. That's important. I also identify with your quote about not being able to separate yourself from your son - i.e: if he's drowning, you're drowning too. It reminds me of a quote my mother used to tell me: "A mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child." This post has been edited by YellowBirds on February 3, 2019, 1:08 PM | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: February 3, 2019, 2:27 PM
same here. I don't feel like a failure. I know I did not cause this. I don't feel guilty. I don't have remorse. everything I have done (enabling) comes from a positive point. I DO feel that when he is in crisis, I am in crisis. going on 5 months of relapse, crises. I have lost 15 lbs that I cant afford to loose. Have been more direct with him. recovery or someone has to leave. me or him. If I go, he can not stay w dad. he will be out too.
but he keeps to his story that he is doing nothing wrong. | ||
|
Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: February 3, 2019, 2:29 PM
We need to surround ourselves with our loving, supportive friends - we are dealing with enough crap on a daily basis that we don't need more.
I finally dumped a "friend" who was a 60 year old train wreck, but I always tried to stay supportive & only offer positive advice. We were never friends when we were young (went to school together) & truthfully I never remember even talking to her but we connected at a lady's lunch & she attached herself to me. She reconnected with a man from school & they were going to get married but she didn't want HIS son around after they were married (one has Aspergers & the other was 19 & unemployed) & that was the hill she chose to die on - me or your kids. I told her she was putting him in an impossible spot & she was going to lose. She did, they got married & separated 3 months later. Then she started crying to me about all her problems (that she caused herself because she made him choose) & never once even asked how I was. My son had entered rehab & we had to force my mother in law into assisted living. She always wanted to talk on the phone (I HATE talking on the phone!!) finally it was more than I could handle. This past spring my mother in law passed away, my son "borrowed" the money, lost his job, stopped calling.... blah, blah, blah & she just wanted to talk about how mean people were to her. We had to make one more trip south to finish up our business & mother in law's estate & she kept bugging me about "I sure hope I can see you while you are down here..." Every couple of weeks... Another mutual friend lost her mother & a couple of days after her mom passed, the needy friend sent her an invite to a mother/daughter luncheon. Tore my friend's heart out & when I told Ms. Needy about the mom passing her response was "Oh, I didn't know but that's why I said Mother/Aunt/Friend. It doesn't have to be her mom!!" I thought WTF? And then a few days later she asked me to come to it (it was in Dec & I retreat in Dec because I lost both parents in Dec & it's a hard month for me) and I said "I do not participate in activities in Dec because it is a rough month for me. She didn't have a clue & said "Well it's not a CHRISTMAS luncheon but ok" That's when I decided she is too stupid & selfish to ever care about anyone else's feelings & blocked her from Facebook & off my phone.... Wow - that was a bit of a rant now wasn't it! :) | ||
|
Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: February 3, 2019, 3:17 PM
Mntmom I'm glad you got that out. I've become very selective about who I allow in my life and really has nothing to do with my daughter or addiction.
| ||
|
Posts: 77
Joined: December 26, 2018
Posted: February 3, 2019, 3:42 PM
NyToFlorida - I wish I didn’t feel that I failed as a mom. This is a prevailing fear of mine. I’m hard on myself in general though, so it’s no surprise.
| ||
|
Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: February 3, 2019, 9:59 PM
Yellowbird - just stick around here, you can express your feelings, fears, sadness & no one will judge you or criticize you. We will support you. When I first joined my son was threatening suicide. I came on here & told my long story and realized other parents have heard it before too & realized my son was manipulating us. Because suicide is a real threat & he knows what would be the worse thing he could say to us?
You are a mom who did the best you could & still the best you can. Sometimes our kids make bad/horrible/life changing choices that shred our hearts..... | ||
|
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: February 4, 2019, 12:54 AM
It gets complicated just trying to sort it out in your own head. I think I don't feel like I failed bc we have been going thru this for a long time. I know I have done everything, taken every approach, and still keep trying - while sometimes trying to save myself from the destruction.
As I am typing, I realize I am not doing well at saving my self. Gee I thought I was keeping it all together. And I haven't saved my son yet either.…. ugh... but I feel like theres progress just around the corner..... geesh. Maybe I was doing well at putting on the happy face. Everything's OK here, don't look behind that curtain.... probably in the early years, with a child as young as yellowbird, I would have more of the failure to save my child feelings. the brain is a tricky thing. sometimes it believes whatever you tell it. You can tell it to be scared or tell it everything is OK today. you can't have both. so in order to function at work, I need to tell my brain - everything is OK today. and that is how we get past week after week of this. It is not denial, it is survival. | ||
|
Posted: February 4, 2019, 2:22 AM
Do you feel that you've lost yourself in this process/life/whatever you want to call it?
I'm so good at putting on that happy face and telling everyone but all of you that everything is fine, that I don't even know who I am anymore. Inside I want to cry, outside I smile, laugh and nod my head. Keeping gf's is hard too, unless they are needy. Because I don't share, I have a very good ear and sometimes that ear gets taken advantage of. Other times I seem aloof because I just don't talk very much. And if I can ask one more question tonight, if you have more than one child, and the other(s) is doing just fine, no substance issues, succeeding, etc do you speak of them with pride and joy? I'm so proud of my youngest, but when asked about both of them, that guilt feeling comes back and I play down my youngest's successes. I have so many questions and things to get off my chest. wow. And I read your posts. Thank you. Tomorrow will be a better day. | ||
|
Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: February 4, 2019, 6:37 AM
Yes, in a way I feel as I was forced into another dimension of life I really never wanted to experience, however here it is. It 's hard to describe it to people except I think everyone on this site would get it. Its a pervasive trauma not knowing day to day what to expect. So I accept it as best I can even though it's very uncomfortable.
| ||
Posts: 132
Joined: December 30, 2018
Posted: February 4, 2019, 7:00 AM
Momfail I have 3 boys , the addict is the youngest, probably read my posts about his background, works full time dosent go out much to anyone else who dosent know him, he seems quite normal, ( I know different) yes my other boys are doing very well, middle one left school at 16, but he always knew how to ,are a buck, and is very successful working for himself, I know what you mean about speaking of there successes, I sure don't brag about them, cause at the back of me I want to say how well they are all doing, and there is a sense of dissapointment, and sometimes you end up making excuses for them, as time is going on, I really do feel it is all warring thin with me, how long is recovery meant to be!! I always thought he would be in a better position than he is, maybe I expect to much of him, who knows, I do feel he dosent open up and tell me much, although he has always been on quite side, my other son partner and my grandson are staying at mine ATM, not for long, and it's actually nice as the little one loves his uncle and he's really good with him, again normal, he says he wants to move out, ( great I say) it will be really good for him to develope and grow as a person, but really can't see it happening, hope so, ha ha bit long my post this time, night all
| ||
|
Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: February 4, 2019, 8:36 PM
I have 3 sons, middle is the addict. The other two are both doing well & in good relationships. Middle WAS a functioning addict for quite a few years (functioning I mean working, his personal life was complete drama but he kept us out if it). When he lost his wife, house, job, roommate, rental is when he became the most dysfunctional & uncaring. When he's using, he's mean, manipulative, hurtful & shameful. When he's clean he's smart, funny, caring, loving & responsible. Unfortunately he's the latter right now, fingers crossed that he chooses to get clean again.
| ||
|
Posted: February 5, 2019, 12:05 AM
Well, I am trying not to ride the roller coaster. My son is slipping a little more. It is so hard to watch and not be fearful of where things will end up. He was trying but he just seems to always end up going from poor decision to poor decision, seemingly oblivious to what is going on...until the consequences come and then, it seems like he just woke up or something.
It is definitely frustrating and no answer. I am trying my best to stay detached, and to take care of myself. Kinda hard right now, because I had him for awhile...you know? Damn addiction. | ||
|
Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: February 6, 2019, 10:57 AM
I feel the same Parenting2, we had our son for a couple of years & now it's like he's on a whole different plane. He's never been so mean & insulting before. That is why we are choosing to remain detached & taking care of ourselves. For the past 12 years, we had been taking care of our elderly, sick mothers & now both have passed. We THOUGHT we'd have some calm but apparently our son thinks we can handle his problems too.... nope, he must stay away until he seeks help from a professional
| ||
|
Posted: February 7, 2019, 7:39 AM
Hi momfail
From what i can see from your posts you didnt do anything wrong with your parenting. Parents of normal, reasonably programmable children who are not addicts cannot ever understand what it is like to be in our position or know how hard we all worked to protect our children from something we never really ever thought would happen to them. Even decent kids from decent backgrounds can find themselves experimenting with drugs- the peer pressure is enormous and we are not with them at those crucial moments at which they make those choices. We educate and protect as best we can but when they become young adults it is not always our voice that they listen to. Its a game of russian roulette, most never get as far as heroin but some do. We know what happens to those that do. But there are other factors. We are not all born equal - sorry but we are not - and we do not all have the same circumstances thrown at us either. Some children are born with an inability to chose the obvious right thing to do. As children they get shouted at and put in detention, as adults they make poor choices with friends, partners, thier health and even thier safety. As they get older the consequence get bigger. Our jails are not full of normal right thinking people who made innocent mistakes, they are (MOSTLY) full of people with mental issues - mostly untreated, many self medicated. When my son chose an unsuitable partner we were warned and did everything we could to persuade him he was making a terrible mistake. He knew all about drugs, he said he would never use heroin, he knew the dangers. He lost everything and on that fatefull day his partners mother (a heroin addict) gave him heroin when he asked if he could try it for the first time, i wasnt there to stop him from making yet another poor choice. None of us were there with our children at that crucial moment when they made that poor choice however educated or capable they were. There is nothing any of us could have done. This post has been edited by Jet0912 on February 7, 2019, 7:52 AM | ||
|
Posts: 77
Joined: December 26, 2018
Posted: February 7, 2019, 2:04 PM
#momfail - I, too, hide my pain pretty well in the real world. I put on a normal face at work and it gives me a sense of control over my reality. I worry I will lose it one day and crumble but I take it one day at a time. I worry some people wonder how I can appear so strong on the outside (myself included), but it has no bearing on how I feel on the inside.
I liken it to how some people question how someone can be so strong at the funeral of a loved one, saying they couldn’t be so strong themselves. They will never know until they are there themselves. The mind has a way of protecting itself out of necessity. That’s not to say they don’t lose control in the privacy over their own home. Today is a hard day. This post has been edited by YellowBirds on February 7, 2019, 2:06 PM | ||
|
Posted: February 9, 2019, 1:15 AM
I think some of the strongest people I know are right here. I don't know about you, but I get tired of being strong, being in the middle and always trying to be the diplomat.
Jet, my son says he knows it all too. I always say, knowing and doing are two very different things. Mine has again slept all day. He has managed to turn the days and nights around. He doesn't go out, no one comes over, and other than the effect he has on the rest of our mental health, when he's awake, he's quite pleasant and harmless. HOWEVER, he will probably land a job soon since people have called for interviews. He will end up having just enough money to insure his car with a bit left over. Then I wonder, was it better to have him home, sleeping and doing nothing, or out and about with a bank account that has money in it. ugh. vicious cycle. -------------------- I read all the parenting books, we played together, they played with friends. I was there for them before and after school, they played hockey and soccer, we went on holidays. I thought I was doing it right. | ||
|
| post replypost new topic |