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Posted: June 19, 2017, 10:23 AM
This week I enter your world. Actually, that is not true- I entered it many years ago but refused to believe it. My son has been arrested for drug dealing and will receive a custodial sentence.over the years, I have paid rent, bought cars, furniture food, even paid tens of thousands of dollars that he owed in debts. I am currently paying off his 10K credit card bill. Now his apartment has been raided and I discover he owes $10k there too. Unfortunately I am guarantor on the premises, so anorher bill for me along with lawyer fees etc.
My son is not abusive. He is often ashamed and annoyed he relies on me so much. I constantly interfere and want to solve the problem. I know that I really do it for me as I am always trying to avoid a huge huge problem. I think that he has periods of being clean as he gets fabulous jobs and starts repaying hus debts but it never lasts for more than a year. My son is 25years old and he started by taking a pill at 17years old. This latest raid, which was part of a police operation where he sold drugs to police, found ecctasy, metjh and cocaine traces- all personal use. I love my son and always will. However, I am ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted that our family is involved in his mess. However, I love my son and always will. I am now resigned to his fate. I am a "doer". I want to pack his flat, organize his clothes, sort everything out before incarceration. However, it is not a priority for him. Therefore it is not a priority for me. Deep down I know that I will have to do it as I am responsible for the apartment and until it is moved I will have to pay rent. I was even focusing on saving money so that, upon release, he would have a home and money. I am so stupid. Looking back, I have spent $700k on him over the last 5 years- my inheritance- and I dont actually know how I did that. My husband is unaware the money is gone and I feel so dreadful that I have deceived him. Not one cent of it had a positive impact. I actually caused this problem because I paid for everything.my son was earning 3k a week, not paying his bills and borrowig from me and I still would not acknowledge that he has a problem. He is charismatic, charming, atteactive but his most outstanding trait is his ability lie with sincerity. Sometimes I think he believes his own lies. He does not admit that he has a problem even now. His criminal activity was merely a way to make money because he wasnt working. Can you believe it!!! It is time for me to step back and accept that the outcome is his. If he doesn't pack his apartment, his clothes and furniture will be dumped by the landlord; if he doesn't get a job, he will have no money; if he doesn't enter rehab, his sentence will be longer; if he continues to use, he will die. It is only 2 years since I last thought he had hit rock bottom. He had a car accident which he was lucky to survive- fractured back, torn abdominal wall, fractured femur etc. Yet still he returned to the same life style. Admittedly, not at the same intensity but the choice to use remained. I say I will be strong and stand back but I am so fearful that, if I do, I will lose him forever. Please tell me that I am right to stand back and let him fall. (mental healrh a bit precarious- sensitive, ADHD, PTSD, anxiety) | ||
Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016
Posted: June 19, 2017, 2:02 PM
Mirellen, I am going through something similar. My 17 yo has spiraled down in about 6 months to a crazy level. I feel like I have driven myself absolutely crazy trying to stop it! And, he is similar in personality, except throw in abusive to me. He is very charming to everyone else.
I am totally horrified at his actions and his values. I am actively trying to back off, but as a mom, we will always struggle. keep reading and posting. It gets a little bit easier to start seeing reality. I want to jump in and save him so bad. I recently began reading some information about co-dependency and boundaries and it has helped. However, I always feel my mind drift back to...What other agency can I call? What else can I say? I recently have begun to formulate excuses for him while I am out doing yardwork. I have to literally tell my brain to STOP. Please keep posting. We do need to detach and we need to let them fail. We can only do that with support and outside insight (as without objective comments we totally lose sight of reality; lost in their world). I am so sorry you spent so much time, money and love to no avail. That seems to be the common story. Hugs, p | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: June 21, 2017, 9:44 AM
Mirellen - So sorry to hear of all you have lost on this horrible enabling addiction roller coaster.
First, you have to forgive yourself. we cant change the past. we can change our future. Do not pay any of your son's debits that do not have your name on them. He will have to deal with it, and the credit card company will deal with him the same as they deal with all the others that cant or dont pay their balance. Do not EVER cosign or put your name jointly on anything with your son. Second, go to Naranon or Alanon meetings to learn that you are not alone, your son is not alone, there are many of us going thru this. Learn to detach and untangle yourself from your son. If you didnt cause the debit, it is not your responsibility to pay it. you do not even have to pay for legal fees and lawyers. Let him get by the same way others do who sell drugs and have no money. Your job is to take care of you and your husbands future and to prepare your son for independence. That means paying for nothing. He needs to live within his means. You have to rebuild your life. You will be happy and relieved when you start feeling some freedom from your son's problems. My son is 27, pain pill addiction was bad about 3 yrs ago. over the past two yrs he went to rehab and sober living homes in another state away from us. he had part time jobs. and over two yrs had clean time and also relapsed many times. This time away gave us a chance to stop enabling him. one of the sober living homes had a really good program of supportive young men. it was a place someone could thrive at, if they want to stay off drugs and alcohol. My son lived there and worked for 5 months then moved out and rented a room, and relapsed. When he was in the program it was easy to not enable. I could say - ask your counselor what to do. I have tried, my help does not work, I dont know what to do either..... Once during this time I did cosign a car loan. It was a night mare - his insurance was so high and I was paying until he was able to take over the payments. this went on for a few months. then he said the car had mechanical problems. I started telling him I could not pay anymore. btw the car dealer ship ripped him off - the car loan ended up being 5000 more then the value of the car. luckily I had gap insurance, he ended up crashing the car. I was relived I didnt have to pay anymore, and will never again cosign or set myself up to be on the hook for anything. He spent the next year and a half living and working in a community with out a car. My turning point was realizing that 30 years from now I could be on Social Security, living in a studio apartment and my son could still be taking my money. I could be giving him my paycheck for the rest of my life.... that is not what my husband and I planned. If you can not be strong enough to stop giving and doing for your son, you need to minimize contact with him. tell him to talk to his dad when he needs something. Start planning YOUR future instead of your son's future. | ||
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Posted: June 23, 2017, 7:36 AM
When they have never been violent towards you, spoken to you out of your name... it's so hard to think, wow they're an addict. He probably does believe he is telling you the truth. His pre-existing conditions do not make matters easier.
I'm so sorry he's getting into trouble with the police. I hope that you are being safe, and that he doesn't owe anyone any money. I know that situation all too well. It is such a scary feeling- truly. I double lock my doors every night, and am constantly looking out of the windows just to make sure it's not any one he knows. Let's talk about you. What have you been doing to keep yourself afloat? I hope that you are taking some care of yourself and getting some peace of mind. We're so glad that you're writing on here now, and taking time for yourself. You've spent over half a million dollars on your son. For another kid, that might have been tuition and almost paying off a house- maybe not in CA- but a house. DO NOT regret your kindness, you didn't know your son would do this to you. DO NOT blame yourself for not knowing the future, we are not psychics. Your money has given him a nice cushion and it's time that he realizes that what is real for most addicts. It sucks- and he needs to know that. I wish you best of luck. Keep reading, keep writing! <3, M | ||
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