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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: May 30, 2011, 10:14 AM
I have lost track. I am jane, I am an addict/alcoholic/nicotine fiend. In recovery. I didn't get up and go to my meetings. So I listened to a speaker tape. He talked about looking for similarities and accepting the differences. I have heard it said, the more sure you are of who you are. The less concerned I am of our differences. He also touched on.. that your best thinking got you where you are right now. So I guess I am still just at a spot that I have to pray and leave it with God and that IS the answer. I do know I have done my best. I know I have spots of myself that need serious improvement. And today I am willing to look at that. I have been controlling, narcissistic, and toxic. I have been full of blame and anger and then remorse and guilt over my actions. I have been obsessively tryiing to find the answers and driving myself and everyone else crazy in the processes. I am missing life because I am in my head. The best way to get out of my head I am told. Is doing what I am doing. Working on MY defects of character. Righting it out. Talking to my sponsor when I can get out of my head long enough to do it. Going to meetings. Writing and seeking to improve both my concept of my higher power and my contact with him. I keep thinking I have found my bottom with the control thing, and obsessive thoughts. And then I go for another round. I keep thinking I have ceased fighting everyone one and everything and then I go another round. I am running myself through and endless ringer. I let go. then I grab back. Nothing is going the way I had it planned. I am alone. I thought myself into a dark hole and I don't know where to go. So I pray right now. God I don't know the answers. Please give me patience while I accept the answers you are giving me. my kids are ok. my mom is ok. i am ok. So there is not problem. Except the ones I create. I am grateful and working to improve myself and my actions.
-------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen  | ||
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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: May 30, 2011, 7:13 PM
Wow, what an amazing day I had. Nothing really changed except my attitude. I spent the day visiting grave site of relatives. My young brother in law that killed himself. My daughter suggested it. So I while we were there, my BF also had his college roommate buried there. It was pretty God guided day. My BF was about to give up on finding the headstone and up drove his little brother (the old roommates little brother) He pointed out the gravesite. The mom of the roommate was there fixing up and planing flowers near the headstone. It meant so much to his mother to see my BF you could tell. She just couldn't stop hugging my BF. Very moving. It was an incredibly day. my daughter is amazing. What a beautiful sweet hearted soul. I had a hand in raising her too. So my son has got to find his own way right now. I am trying to be good with it in my heart and head and I have been today. My mom has my daughter brainwashed that I wont let Ed come home. Christ that woman is something else. But I am praying for her. I visisted her moms gravesite today and asked her for a little help. Since I am sure she knows just how I feel. Very very very cool day. I really have some peace. Some understanding :) Today God is good
-------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen | ||
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