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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: March 31, 2011, 10:07 AM
Hmmm. I went to a 6:30 am meeting. I was really looking forward to the meeting, I had met an older lady at the Sunday morning meeting that invited me to this meeting. When I got there it was a small meeting wich is good. But I didn't feel I belonged there. The lady didn't recognize me so I introduced myself. She was taken aback by how different I looked. Mind you that when I showed up Sunday morning I had no make up and hadn't slept for two nights. This morning I had to go to work so I had my make up hair and clothes on. Anyway, all the shares led me back to how I felt during the early days of my recovery. Unworthy, Unloved, and weepy. That is how I felt when I left this morning. WTF?? I don't want to revist those days. I don't think the people there wanted to relive those days. Thier shares were open, full of light, the gifts AA had brought to them. I should have seen that and I did a little. But how in the hell do you find your spot amongst them? I know I belong there. I have lived it. I have also seen the light of not only sobriety but living right. I know the promises came true for me. I don't think I worked the steps with a sponsor. I guess I did "jane's" way. I know I am back to being powerless. I hate it but I am. I have asked for a sponsor and then in my foggy nicotine withdrawl brain I lost the number. I can't find her at any meetings. The lady I talked to today didn't have it. So I guess I will just do as many meetings as I can in 90 days. I will give it to God to put in me in that path of someone to walk me through this bulls***. Today is just one day. I can do this. (I think I am blaming my mood on the meeting) not fair. Let me start again. This works, if I work it. I will no doubt check in later.
love, jane -------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen  | ||
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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: March 31, 2011, 10:11 AM
Dear Jane,
You did remember one good thing from the meeting this morning. That is you CAN ask god for what you need. What I asked for was removal of the obsession. BTW I felt normal for 5 hours last night! Five whole hours. It was awesome. I slept good. I prayed and I read the 12/12 on the fourth step. I am not sure it sunk in I read it a little late in the evening. So keep it simple, do the next right thing. Love me -------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen | ||
Posts: 9248
Joined: December 1, 2005
Posted: March 31, 2011, 1:01 PM
Pray to that God you have, Jane, to put a sponsor in your path and then keep your eyes open and really listen for the answer.
Part of the feelings you are going through might be just what you repressed in the beginning of your recovery off the drugs and it feels safe enough now and you're in the right place to allow them out so you can process through them, and once you walk through them, you'll emerge on the otherside and that, my friend, is where you will find the peace, joy and serenity you so seek. And Jane's way worked this long but maybe it's time to take that leap of faith in order to grow more spiritually, to live life to the fullest. It's really cool to see you do something different. One of my favorite sayings (taken from my friend Tony A.) in the program is: In order to get something you've never had you need to do something you've never done. Keep trudging forward. The work is so worth it~! xoxo Stacey -------------------- Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you. | ||
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Posts: 3076
Joined: January 11, 2006
Posted: February 4, 2020, 5:23 PM
Day 8 round two. (May actually be more than that) I am doing ok today. I woke up said a prayer came to work. On my lunch hour I read a Grapevine and reached out to 3 other AA members. Just say hi and get out of myself. I dont feel as crappy today and I had a good night sleep last night. I am back at the place where I am praying for a sponsor I have one but I consider her a temporary sponsor. I can't hear her like I could my last one. That is the benefit of coming back here I can read the words that helped back then and hear it all over again. I dont know if anyone even comes on this forum anymore. We sure had some fun back in the day. I learned a grew so much here. Its ok that I am back where I started at least I am back. I chewed a piece of 2mg gum half in the morning half in the afternoon. I am meeting with a sponsee tonight and today re-reading this post reminding myself to ask for the obessesion to be removed & prayingt to be guided towards some help. If God was working in my lfie back then he is working now. So I will trust and keep doing my footwork.
-------------------- My success story Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives. - Anthony Robbins Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder where I've gone wrong. Then a little voice inside my head says, "This is going to take more than one night." "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen | ||
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