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Posts: 5
Joined: April 11, 2018
Posted: April 17, 2018, 1:05 AM
Both my mother and my only child who's in his 30s now are addicts.
I get it on both ends. I feel like I've never had a childhood, and never had a life of my own. It never occurred to me that my own mother was an addict. I thought having a parent that slept all day, and sent me and my brother on errands to borrow money from relatives (then us when we were old enough to work) was normal. Both me and my brother left home young. Now my son who's in his 30s, my only child is an addict. Same things like my mother, calling and bothering for money. He used to hold down a job to support his habit, now he does not even do that. He's been kicked out of every place he stayed. Him and my mother lived together (out of state, thank god) and EVERY week had some crisis to where they needed money. I was working two jobs. The more I sent, the more they wanted. What I don't understand is my brother and I never did drugs, do not even drink. Never kept anything like that in the house. We always held down jobs, paid our bills, and tried to live a nice, uneventful life. My mother is more awful than my son. She's like a big child. She called my brother when he was getting dinner and a cheap chinese take out, and said to him "It's nice you're eating at restuarnts, while we are STARVING over here! My brother was smart enough to cut her out years ago. My mother tells everyone how my brother and I are awful kids, who do ''nothing" to help her. Never mind that I"ve sent her thousands of dollars for her weekly crisis, of "gas getting shut off" or "please buy me cable, I'm so bored" or "please can you help me with my percriptions this month". EVERY week, always something. Her and my son both. She made me some of my family members hate my brother and I, telling them we never help her because we couldn't take it anymore. My brother is 40, and I'm older than that even. I wonder when my life will start. Heck, it's halfway over. I'm happy I at least have my brother in this life. If I was an only child in this, I'd have commited suicide years ago. I wonder if this can be a genetic thing, being my son and my mom, (he moved in with her when he was 22 years old, I raised him, not her), are so much alike this way. | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: April 17, 2018, 3:59 PM
Welcome, you have found the right place to share your stories. We have all been there and done that and are still dealing with variations of our loved ones behavior. It is consuming, exhausting, and so on. ditto what you say about having your own life. my husband and I are on the fence. we have had enough of 'helping' our son - about 5 years. we keep doing it because we still hold on to hope that he will become independent. BUT we have a limited time in mind. We have put up boundaries and are going to spend the next 6-12 months moving ourselves in our own direction - to save our sanity and prepare for a possible relocation. so we are still trying to steer our son, but not kidding ourselves either. and we have spent too much time and resources already. I find my husband and I are 'Do'ers' -- oh, something broken, fix it! it is hard for us to not DO. we are slowly learning our lessons with one foot in and one foot out of this addiction circus.
The only thing I can say is to minimize your communication with them. Detach. Go to a therapist who has addiction/recovery background for yourself, go to naranon meetings so you can vent and express your thoughts, real live support. It will be motivating to mentally move on when you have a goal in sight. And when you give yourself permission. set your own limitations on what you are giving them and say - that's it, that's all I have you have taken everything else. they WILL keep taking even when YOU are on the street! write notes regarding what you want to respond to them so you have the right words handy. Start being too busy to take the call. make it up... can't talk, I'm driving, I'm at work, I'm at the therapist, Doctor, meetings, wait a few hours to respond. 'I can not do that this week, maybe next week" tell them to go to shelter, food pantry, social services. Start dreaming of how you want YOUR life to look. start working towards that. put yourself first. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on April 17, 2018, 4:26 PM | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: April 18, 2018, 6:47 PM
LOL - had to respond some more... when my son lived out of state I got those calls - "i'm starving", When he was homeless and I said it was late I need to go to sleep. he would say 'must be nice'. now he is living close to home. mostly lives at gf house. he is working. payck lasts 3 days - then starves for the weekend, and then I give $60 to start the week. has always said he spends on take out food, gas and cigs. wont go into a grocery store. exaggerates that he spends 50 per day just to go to work. hell, its costing ME for him to go to work! It is the 'shell game' with the money. what money, where did it go. idk. it just went. receipts? never. he does not make much at the moment, but it could last a week if he was not spending on the street. which he consistently denies. never a break in the story. hey I just thought of something. when ever I want him to do something that he does not want to comply, he avoids me and does not answer phone, hides. think of something they (your son and mom) don't want to hear, and keep saying it. something like - send me a pic of the receipt or bill. we put up with them being A-holes - WE need to be the A-hole. I talk a good talk, but am still stuck in the mix.
I am between jobs, my husband may transfer to job that is far enough away that it gives us a good reason to down size, sell the house and rent an apartment. I am going to start my job search in that area. we want to down size anyway. this is giving us a good reason. I should ask my son to help me pack or clean out basement and take his belongings - probably wont see him for months! LOL | ||
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Posted: April 19, 2018, 11:04 AM
There's got to be a better way to control where your money is going....
-Maybe your/his local supermarket sells gift cards...that way he HAS to use it there. -My son has a replenishable (I believe) credit card which he can put money on. This might work well if your son has a drug addiction since I can't believe a drug dealer would accept payment in this form. If his addiction is alcohol he can still use it at a supermarket I believe which might not be a good thing. -I know that at the larger supermarket chains they have kiosks where they have available all sorts of gift cards (for Starbucks etc.) which can be used at only those locations...you might want to see which chains they have gift cards available for. -I wonder if gas stations don't have their own gift cards. Just some ideas | ||
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Posted: April 19, 2018, 10:20 PM
Just my 2 cents. Maybe I should not write this, but these are my thoughts. Please take them for what it is worth in your scenario, as this only my flawed opinion.
These people are way old enough to take care of themselves and they are showing you zero respect. You owe them nothing. I would cut them both out of your life and try to move on. Like you said, you have had enough years of babysitting and being manipulated. I would try to move towards healthy family members, get intense counseling on where you want to go from here, and free yourself from this vicious cycle. Like I said, reading this as an objective person, they have major problems and are suffering in their own way. But, you can do nothing for them, and unfortunately they are being rude, disrespectful and adding nothing to your life. When was the last time they asked how you were? Or if you needed anything? It makes me mad just reading this. You deserve some peace and freedom from this craziness. Big hugs. | ||
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Posted: April 20, 2018, 10:55 AM
Thanks Parenting 2...Best post I've read in this forum for awhile. :-)
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Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: April 20, 2018, 10:50 PM
Hi AB. ...I’m sorry to read how your being treated by your mother and your son. I would stop having any contact with them and change your phone number. If he gets no help from you maybe he will learn how to take care of himself. I feel so bad for you and your brother having to grow up the way you did. I would do what your brother did and leave them to fend for themselves. You didn’t say what their drug of choice is? We only go through this life once. Think of the years that’s already been stolen from us or wasted because of drugs. Think of yourself now and start having a life that makes you happy and don’t let these two take anymore of your time. Good luck to you and take care of yourself. Mary.
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Posts: 5
Joined: April 11, 2018
Posted: June 5, 2018, 10:11 AM
Thank you so much for asking. My mother was always evasive about everything. She was always asking for money for her "pills or medicine". I only found out she was doing heroin because my son told me. Unlike my mother, my son talks openly about his addiction. Before she started the heroin, I know she used perscripion drugs. To this day, I still don't know everything she used, and never will because she'll never tell me herself. She's in a nursing home now. The social worker told me when she was in the hospital, she' was being detoxed and expect her to be moody, yet wouldn't reveal anything else and she told me she couldn't give me all the specific details. Privacy laws, Im sure.. I give up on my mom. She's made several family members hate me and my brother by bad mouthing us to anyone who'd listen. Telling everyone how me and my rotten brother left her in a nursing home to rot. A few of my family are wise to what she's doing, but not all. I give up hope with my mom. At least my son, however, will talk freely to me about what and how he's used. He has a heroin addiction. He's gone to the doctor about it and got something called "cranim"? I still don't know the exact name of it. However, he's hard to check on because he's always losing his phone, changing his phone number, and it's hard to get in touch with him sometimes. I still feel there is hope for my son because at least he's honest about it, and would never bad mouth me, unlike my mom who gets off on people's sympathy and getting people to dislike me. She's always painted me as the "bad kid" to get everyone to pet her, give her money, and do her bidding. I had a very long talk with one of her lifelong friends that finally saw her for what she was, and was hurt about it. She can be charming, and a convincing liar. She know's how I was sending money every month to my mom because she was the one who took her to cash the checks I sent. My moms friend was infuriated when my mom was telling people how her "rotten daughter" does "nothing" for her. Thats when she dropped my mom as a friend, and called me. I'm just thankful for my brother who's my most sane family member, and understands all because he's been through it too. He lives a productive life. Has a good job, lots of friends, does not drink, smoke. Yet he's suffered anxiety his entire life, and takes medicine for it. He has never married and is adamant about not wanting children. I cannot blame him after he's seen all the hell I've suffered in the past. He's the smart one who cut off my mom long before I did.
This post has been edited by Abigalmay on June 5, 2018, 10:20 AM | ||
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Posts: 5
Joined: April 11, 2018
Posted: June 5, 2018, 10:44 AM
I sometimes wonder if addicts are the way they are because there is always someone or something to catch them when they fall. My mom made a life out of leeching off people. There was always someone powdering her azz. She is the youngest of 4 girls. My grandparents had my mom when they were pushing 50, so she had older sisters and old parents to dote over her entire life. She had some minor health issues as a child, so that magified her helplessness which she never stopped using as an angle. My mom leeched off my aunt when she was older, and my aunt was only too happy to help and take care of her "baby sister" who was healthy, and could of looked after herself, but would get angry at the mere suggestion of it. My grandparents would always tell me "help your mother" and acted like I was the parent instead of her! They acted like I was a drain and parasite to their precious baby girl. Doing horrible things like wanting to eat the food in the fridge or need clothing! When I got old enough to work, and buy my own food and clothes (my mom provided me with 3 pairs of underwear for my entire teen years) My grandparents berated me (instead of praising me for working a job which required me to ride my bike 3 miles one way) telling me that now that I was working, I should "help" my mother more. My mom REFUSED to get a job in any shape way or form. Faking illnesses to get out of having to work to get help from relatives. My mom was clearly the "baby" in the family, and the rest of the family expected me to carry her. She had no interest in our education. Whenever the subject of college came up, she'd tell me to "leave her alone" and claim she was sick and needed to lay down, or something along those lines. When I met the first guy who asked me to move in with him, off I went! Then, with me gone, she started on my brother. He got a job, got credit, bought himself a car, (while he was going to high school). Instead of praising him, she quit her job, and told everyone how my "greedy" brother won't help her with the rent or bills! He was a 17 year old kid for crying out loud! She should have been proud that he took initiative and worked and went to school full time! No, now that I was away, my brother became the new "bad guy". She'd tell anyone who'd listen, and enlist people, friends, and some family members (even the neighbors) to come over to b**** at my brother because he had the audacity to get a job as a teenager, and buy himself a car and his own clothes instead of giving his hard earned money our lazy mom.
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Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016
Posted: June 6, 2018, 9:35 AM
Sorry you are going through all this. I understand a bit of what you are going through. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom took pills (to cope). I left home early because my home life was so crazy. I wanted something more ... something better ... something normal and some peace. Fast forward years later and my son is an addict. I ran from something but couldn’t get away. Yes it is a hereditary problem. However I read somewhere that we learn codependency as children. I think maybe I never really knew how to be a good parent. As parents, we nurture, guide and protect our children which is exactly what you shouldn’t do with an addict. Therefore our parenting instinct often evolves into codependency and did more harm than good. My opinion now is that we allow things to happen to us ... hurts, pain, mental anguish. We think we have no control but all we really have to do is love and protect ourselves. Now I am not saying that is easy to do. We are often preconditioned to react certain ways and our heart controls our brain a lot. Now after many many years of trying to help our son, we have stopped. It has been very hard because my whole being says to help. The reality is that he has to figure his life out for himself. Helping him was destroying us. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get away from this ‘addiction’ curse in my family. All I wanted was peace and happiness. Things are better now but I had to choose me over him. It is by no means an easy choice or an easy road but it was necessary for me to have a life before it is over. I do feel guilty and get very sad but it is an improvement. I probably need extensive counseling to feel I deserve happiness and feel it is ok to be selfish. I think that is part of the codependent behavior I learned as a child. Right now I am just living day to day and being thankful for the current normalcy but wondering when it will end. There is always a feeling if impending doom in the back of my mind.
I guess I am trying to say you have more control than you realize but you have to make the hard choices. -------------------- BUGS | ||
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Posts: 5
Joined: April 11, 2018
Posted: June 10, 2018, 4:44 PM
You're not being selfish. I'm realizing helping them does nothing except drive us crazy. Its never enough. Not only that, you never know if your monetary help will be used to get drugs and end up being the donation that leads to their death. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't. If you're like me, you worry when you don't give them money, then if you do give him money you know it might lead to an OD and guilt the rest of your life from that.
I too just had to stop giving...period. It does no good to help anyway. Even prepaid grocery store cards are usually sold cheap for cash to buy drugs. There is no way around it. Except to tell them that you love him, and hope to god he stops doing what he's doing. If he's anything like my son, he'll just deny it anyway. Where my mom is concerned, the ONE time I didn't send her money, (after sending thousands to her over the years), she called any freind or family member who would listen to tell them how her rotten daughter does "nothing" to help her. Just give it up. Enjoy life. Just associate with your sane family members, and avoid the others. Helping people like that has no reward...at all. This post has been edited by Abigalmay on June 10, 2018, 4:46 PM | ||
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