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Posted: September 10, 2005, 10:54 PM
Today was the first time that I was talking to someone and they brought up coke since I came here and talked to you guys about getting clean for my son. That was when i realized that it is really easy to stay clean when it is not around..lol....but when i heard someone talk about it again all those feelings rushed back to me, and i wanted a line more than anything. I came real close to asking if i could come over and participate, but some how i just hung up. Now that i have come so close to relapse, The idea that it is so easy to throw it all away terrifies me. and because I am came so close to doing it i am scared to death that I cant do this. I didnt know it would be so hard to stay sober, but i suppose i should just be happy i got through that moment and got through today without it. I am just scared now, will this feeling go away or will i always have these close calls that remind me of just how addictd i am. Cause if this will keep happening i am not so confident i can stay sober like i thought
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Posts: 3423
Joined: December 31, 2004
Posted: September 11, 2005, 7:43 AM
Hi there, Great job on not using. I know it's hard ~ I had to ask thru a little prayer every day (and still do) that the obsession and craving for drugs and alcohol be removed for me. That I could hit the pillow sober. Try to break it down, and just take it one day at time or minute by minute if necessary. I too, don't want to use and drink because of the effect it has on my daughters, however, what's helping me stay clean and sober this time is I want it more than anything for myself, that's a huge difference! You're doing well, take it easy.
-------------------- Peace & Serenity, VWGirl | ||
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Posted: September 11, 2005, 11:25 AM
Hello. When I started useing drugs it was first alcohol. And one night when I was out partying with "friends" I was introduced to cocaine. I really liked it not only because of the way it made me feel, but because it completely got rid of me being so drunk. It just took that beer buzz away.....and I really liked that. After that I pretty much stopped drinking and went to just snorting cocaine. I did that for a few years, then I was introduced to smoking crack and then came the IV cocaine useing!!! At one point I told myself and everyone else that " I " would never shoot cocaine.....well, as the old saying goes....."never say never!" It got really bad. All I was ever looking for, worried about, needed, wanted, cared about was my next hit. Back in Feb. of this year I started into my recovery. I was up to 90+ days when I fell. I have fallen a few times again since then, but I am back on track again. It is really hard, for me, any time that something goes wrong, or any type of negativity that happens in my life brings me down and I want to "go back" soooo bad!!! But I'm trying to keep a clear head and realize that it's not worth it. Anyway....just alittle bit of my story....however; there is a whole lot more to it. This board has been a "God" send for me. As always,.....EYES
-------------------- "The face is the mirrow of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart." (St. Jerome) | ||
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Posted: September 12, 2005, 9:58 PM
Hey! In my opinion if you have to ask yourself if you are an addict, you probably are. I have been clean now over two months, just recently found out I was pregnant. Having a child is a great reason to stay clean. I am sure you are a very loving mother and your child is extremly important to you. You do not want him to have to see your behavior as he gets older, even if it is only occasional use. You need to get away from the person who is supplying it for you and go to some meetings. Your child is not worth any drug!
Good luck with everything! | ||
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Posted: September 12, 2005, 10:24 PM
Mommy, I too am a recovering cocaine addict. 11 months clean! I know how you feel when you said someone mentioned cocaine and you got THAT feeling. I will say that it will pass, and to just focus on one day at a time! If you keep trying and surround yourself with clean, caring people it will make it all the more easier for you. You seem to have a great positive influence, your child! I wish you the best of luck. I NEVER thought I would stop putting that garbage up my nose, but I did, and you can too!! =0)
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Posted: September 17, 2005, 8:12 PM
I cant tell you what your guys' messages mean to me thank you very much!!!
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Posted: September 17, 2005, 11:10 PM
I am new with this damn addiction and scared stiff. It started this summer at a party in my neighborhood...I wanted to fit in and be part of the in crowd. Christ, I didn't even know what a bump was...until it was introduced to me, and now I want it all the time. From a different perspective, certain men will give it to us women for time and affection... maybe more. It is unfortunate that when on the drug, we are willing to give in. I am in fear of legal troubles because of past problems with a local probation department and a past DWI offense. Needless to say, I am in my 3rd day of sobriety and nooo drugs. I am only posting to inform other women about our insecurities being invaded by other addicts and then our bodies are used as a trade-off for a high...I am ashamed of myself and the lies I told to this man just to get my next kit. Even when I tried to convince myself that this creep was a good guy and could bring him home to the parents...something just clicked recently....I am done with him, the others, and that nonsense.
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Posted: September 18, 2005, 9:59 PM
I could not be more disappointed in myself right now. I relapsed. I did not have a craving, i did ot seek it, i did not want it and was sooo proud of myself for doing so well. I had stopped myself from talking to a single person who i knew had anything to do with it. Then a couple days ago, i went to someones house who i didnt know had it or did it and they offered me a line right then and there in front of my face. i was not prepared for this,and i caved. I feel like i let my son down....i love him more than i could ever express and i feel like the worst mom in the world. I thought i was sooo prepared until i got caught off guard and i dont know how i will ever forgive myself but i need to know if there is anything i can do to keep this from happening, cause when it is right there in front of you ......uuuggghhhh. i just thought i was so much stronger than this. this is my first relapse and i dont know how i will ever get past how much i let myself down because of my precious little boy.well i am starting all over again at 4 days sober. God help me
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Posted: September 18, 2005, 10:14 PM
Mommy,
You need to stay clean for YOU. Your son will reap the benefits. Are you attending meetings? Do you have a sponsor? Don't go to that person's house again and remember, it isn't how many times you fall, but if you rise again. You don't have to stay down. Keep trying and be kind to yourself. Yes, you failed. It's over. Today is another day. Peace, Lucy | ||
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Posted: September 18, 2005, 11:25 PM
i just found your post... good work!
i would define additction as the wantingnes or needingness (if there are such words) and the desire to seek out for specifically the purpose of using cocaine or any other drug wether its going to get it yourself or finding people or parties where it might be around. its wanting to feel that feeling or needing to feel that feeling. everyone will know this from within themselves. if some of your friends are long term friends and you sincerely socialize purely for their friendship then there should be no problem. if you find that you use it in these situations under pressure or to try to fit in then you need to lose your friends. you're trying to get into a new social club now. dont allow the slip up situation to occur that way it cant happen. even if it 1 2 3 times a year. its all or nothing. good luck with staying clean. sounds like you're doing pretty good so far! i'm currently involved with someone who is a couple times a year type user. it bothers me alot. do you have any advise for me? | ||
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Posted: September 19, 2005, 1:22 PM
momscaredstraight, GET BACK UP AND DUST YOURSELF OFF. I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS WHEN IT IS PUT IN FRONT OF YOU WHEN YOU ARE NOT EXPECTING IT, BUT JUST ASK YOURSELF, IS THAT LINE REALLY WORTH THE DISAPPOINTMENT AND THE DEPRESSION THE NEXT DAY? IT IS NOT!!!! GOOD LUCK TO YOU, YOU CAN DO IT! WILL POWER BABY!!!!
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Posts: 14839
Joined: June 21, 2005
Posted: September 19, 2005, 1:46 PM
keep on with your decision to stay off the coke...you were first asking if you were an addict...well i think you already answered that question...as for your relapse....it happens sweetie! just start all over again and realize that you need to make a beeline for the door if anyone ever puts out some powder again...
you can do it! say the serenity prayer if this situation comes up again...as you are getting out the door, it will give you alot of strength... -------------------- Somedays it's just not worth chewing through the restraints. | ||
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Posted: September 22, 2005, 2:45 PM
Thanx for all the support again guys. I never thought it would be this hard but when i look at my son i know i can do it
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Posts: 14839
Joined: June 21, 2005
Posted: September 22, 2005, 2:48 PM
good for you...little HP angels work well also!!
I know when i was first in rehab I used my grandson and he help me immensely! -------------------- Somedays it's just not worth chewing through the restraints. | ||
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Posted: September 23, 2005, 1:12 AM
YOU should be scared straight. If you are thinking this way than you know that your child needs a MOM. Are you prepared to be that mom? I can't say much because I am not on drugs however I know what it is like to have a father drunk and the problems it causes for the rest of your life. If my mom had been on drugs I don't know where I would be right now.
All I know is that you are a mom. There is no more important job in the world. You made the decision to bring him into this world and it is up to you to live up to that decison with flying colors. What is more important to you? Can you sacrifice this for him? If it is easy if not brought up around you...find new friends. If you need rehab go. You owe it to your child. This is scary but I know it could be worse. Don't make it worse. YOu dont know what it is like to grow up like this or do you? God bless you both. | ||
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Posted: September 25, 2005, 9:48 PM
Well so far so good I am still sober and taking it one day at a time and feeling great. Cautious, but great. I owe alot of that to all your guys' support. I wanted to say to jennifer that yes i had an alcoholic father but he was an alcoholic struggling to stay sober he wasn't a drunk and because of that i didnt have negative experiences. Although he struggled with the disease, I never say him drunk, he almost never got that way. But when he did relapse,even if only a drink or two, it was a really big deal to us. Butalso i have a question for bumpsnomore....what is an HP angel?
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Posted: September 25, 2005, 9:51 PM
Can I have some of your guys' e-mail adresses or something or is that against rules or ettiquette. if it is i am sorry
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Posts: 14839
Joined: June 21, 2005
Posted: September 25, 2005, 9:52 PM
aww thanks for asking...
that's what i call my grandson...my little higher power angel -------------------- Somedays it's just not worth chewing through the restraints. | ||
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Posted: September 27, 2005, 9:59 PM
Awww that is perfect I am soo glad you shared that with me do u mind if i use it?
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Posts: 14839
Joined: June 21, 2005
Posted: September 27, 2005, 10:23 PM
please, i would be so honored if you did...
if you still have questions as to whether you are an addict, there is a wonder NA related thread (meeting) going on the pain pills board, I shared some more of my story, my experience, strength and hope... It helps so much to listen to other peoples stories... -------------------- Somedays it's just not worth chewing through the restraints. | ||
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