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Posts: 6
Joined: February 24, 2011
Posted: February 24, 2011, 12:44 AM
Hello everyone, I am 26 and a recovering opioid addict. I have used over 13 different types of opioids but became addicted to primarily oxycodone (sometimes hydrocodone and tramadol) and would also use methyphenidate (Ritalin) in conjunction. The year 2010 was a busy one that ushered in an era of self-destruction; My wife and I welcomed our first child in Feb 2010 while I was in the middle of my full time graduate education (Completed December 2010) and I continued to work full time through all of this. A recreational use and casual, hidden, love for pain pills became a raging addiction. When it was all said and done, I had spent over $35, 000 (now lingering in the form of consumer debt) on pain pills. My addiction was always separate from my family man and academic life. I thankfully managed to graduate with a 3.7 GPA with my Masters while taking 160-240 mg Oxycontin and about 100mg Ritalin each day. I fumbled through the beginnings of this new year... and the past 4 or 5 months with EXTREME guilt and self-loathing. The more I felt guilty meant the more I would use to try and cover it up. I began spending the money that was to go to the mortgage and other bills for drugs. About 4 weeks ago though I had a close call at work and it rattled my cage enough for me to KNOW i had to get straightened out. I weaned myself onto tramadol and kratom from oxycodone. Two weeks ago my caught me mixing kratom tea and found where I hid all my paraphenalia (pills cutters, crushers, lock box).
I assumed she would leave me and lied to myself for over a year that I had to "fix" the problem before I came to her with it.... She did not leave me! Exactly the opposite... She said with tears in her eyes "You need to get help Roger.... I cant give you the help you need; tell me what I can do to help you? I love you." I was unsure at the time what I needed for help... I was in awe and amazed that this woman who had been lied to for over a year just LOVED me and wanted to help me. The weight of all the worry about having to confess all my deceit and self destruction vanished; however, my guilt remained and so did the self-loathing. That evening, Valentines Day actually, there was a knock on my door which turned out to be both my parents. There inquiries about my odd behavior and personality changes had been resolved by my wife contacting them and telling them what she discovered. I suddenly went from being lonely, afraid, and fearful of consequences to having the support of the 3 most important people in my life (my son of course is a given though). Now I am on Suboxone therapy and plan to taper off that in 3-4 months. I have never done anything remotely "wrong" in my life. I married the girl I dated since I was 17 (married going on 5 years now), Ive gotten all As and Bs (all the way through graduate school), I was a son that made his parents proud, and was the son-in-law that my in-laws wished they could clone for their other two daughters. I received the prestigious Nurse of the Year Award for the Region and am a well-liked coworker and collegiate.I guess what I am getting at is that it only takes one second... One wrong move... One bad decision and you are wrapped up into something that does not let go until someone pulls you out. I am thankful that I was pulled out by my wife and parents. I KNOW in my heart that this is my one chance to straighten out the path that I worked SO SO hard to keep straight throughout my entire life. I risk losing my soul mate/best friend/wife along with my amazing little baby boy, who I could easily say was the sole reason for my existence on earth, UNLESS I recover and stay recovered. There isnt much of a choice and I know I will not betray my wife's trust again but understand that it will take time. When will she begin to KNOW that I am changed? I now know that I cant have a secret component of myself without it affecting my family (something I didnt know before until I was too addicted to stop). Any advice or tips on how to salvage whats left? Do I truly need an inpatient rehab even though Im on Suboxone and plan on doing counseling? Roger | ||||
Posts: 47
Joined: September 19, 2009
Posted: February 24, 2011, 2:12 PM
What a well written, heart felt story. I admire your courage.
I don't know if you can do this without inpatient care, I would say - give it a try. But be honest with yourself and if inpatient is necessary - DO IT! Good Luck and my God Bless you -------------------- Have kindness in anothers troubles an courage in your own... | ||||
Posts: 517
Joined: August 7, 2010
Posted: February 25, 2011, 1:22 AM
Here's the thing, friend.
You're an addict. Very much like the rest of us. I have a story very much like yours... I was the golden boy, could do no wrong, the world was my oyster. Then my penchant for opiates grabbed ahold of me and wouldn't let go until an outside force caused me to get clean. Like you. I was so glad to be clean and shed of that habit; the devil's own handiwork, I felt. I moved on with my life and stayed clean. That was in 1977. But I still liked the way opiates made me feel... That didn't go away. I know now that it never will. Over the years I indulged my predilection with pain pills whenever the opportunity arose. There are lots of times in life when pain pills just seem to pop up. Wisdom teeth extractions, etc. Heck, a doctor will send you home with Codeine in a bottle if you show up with a bad chest cold. Any one of these things can cause a relapse and a period of addiction of indeterminate length. I suffered through many relapses over the years. I finally resorted to Heroin... This disease is progressive - true that. Family, friends, career, our health... All of these things are good reasons to stay clean. With some counseling, one would think that these reasons would be enough to keep an intelligent person clean. As you have seen, those things are NOT enough. You have a ways to go yet before you can take a month off and go camping without bringing along any drugs. I wish you well. You can absolutely do it. You have good support, it sounds like, so I'm confident you will do it. You'd do well to remember this: You're an addict. Your love of opiates will not go away just because you get clean. Addiction is a cunning, baffling disease. If I had it to do over, I would have gotten LOTS of counseling back in 1977, and I would have gotten it from other addicts who have gotten clean and stayed clean. Book smarts are of limited value in this fight. Be well, my friend. And be careful. Mark | ||||
Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004
Posted: February 25, 2011, 3:08 PM
You're on sub therapy which is a good step in the right direction but what happens when you taper off? What kind of safety nets, tools do you have in place to help you avoid addictive behavior again? Is your sub dr requiring you to go to some kind of counseling? NA? Getting clean is the easy part, staying that way takes hard work. Are you willing to work hard? Do whatever it takes to stay clean and sober?
Your story is so much like all of ours. None of us are exactly the poster children for addiction. But we are no different than the addict on the street...there is no cure to this disease but there is a life of recovery, help, support and understanding. Here on this board is a good place to start. I had to be willing, willing to do whatever it took to get my life back. I abused pain meds for 26 years and because of the love, support and help from people on this board, my family and NA/AA, I've got 8 years coming up in April. So glad you're here.. -------------------- I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember. | ||||
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Posts: 6
Joined: February 24, 2011
Posted: February 26, 2011, 9:09 PM
Thanks everyone for the awesome responses and support. I am glad I found this message board and think it will definitely aid me in this large battle in a war that will, as was stated by Mark, neverending. I have had a love for opioids since my first Lortab at the age of 21; the euphoria was amazing. I was fascinated with opioids and wanted to know everything about them. I learned about them in college, in small amounts with other drugs, but I studied them on my own. I worked in the hospital in Surgical critical care as a CNA and then as a nurse. I was fascinated with the relief patients received from opioid medications; it was also rewarding to administer these powerful substances that soothed patients nearly instantly if IV or soon if tablets. (Never diverted or took anything from patients while saying I administered them because I see that as cruel if they were truly in pain). So, I guess what im trying to say is that the more I knew about these drugs; the more I wanted to "try" them. I was arrogant and cocky and read some addiction stories but didnt believe I would ever be writing one.
I had no clear reason why I started experimenting except maybe to learn more about the drugs; to learn the ultimate last bits of information, which was the subjective reports. The experimentation ruined my brain because it seems to have changed the wiring. I instantly began searching for a way to buy them when I ran out of a bottle of 30 Tylenol #3 my wife never took for her sciatica while she was pregnant. When she asked about a year later while trying to find something for her sisters migraine, I lied and told her I threw them out by mistake. I was in my first semester of my Masters program and enjoyed the "escape" and stress relief they gave me. So I found my supplier online and kept it casual, only bought when had extra cash. When the most stress I had ever experienced came in June 2010, my brain knew what relieved stress and I began my descent into the pit. I am an addict, I agree. I know I need to get help and am going to setup a counseling appointment ASAP. My wife thinks that if I were giving it my "all" I would have already set up an appointment, but I am trying my hardest... I simply cannot cope with many things at once because I cant go and chew up a quarter of an oxycontin 80mg and make any call I want. Now its having to hear the tone of the person's voice on the other end of the line change when they hear I need substance abuse counseling that makes me procrastinate. Just like you see the pharmacy tech's and pharmacist's facial expressions change drastically when they see what prescription I want to fill (Suboxone) and then are very matter-of-fact and short with me while I pay an arm and a leg for the medicine. I suppose I am ashamed of letting anyone know that I am an addict even though I feel I have accepted the fact that I am. I didnt want my brothers to know because I didnt want two more people to look at me with pitty and disappointment. Now, to make matters worse, my wife is taking prednisone for an eye problem and it is at a good level in her system which has made me closer to relapse than I have ever been because she is labile emotionally and sometimes says things that nearly push me back to the pills but... She does have a right to be angry and upset and if she doesnt express it then she will likely explode at some point, right? We both need counseling I believe. Tell me what you guys think. Also, I wanna say thanks again for all your comments and concerns. I am doing well on Suboxone, it seems to be a great drug for reducing cravings and withdrawal but it doesnt fill that "Somethings missing" feeling which is likely due to behaviors that I have become habituated to. I am in this for the long haul though... I am prepared to hurt badly after any procedure/operation or cough my head off without cough syrup OR have my wife control the narcotics. I am hoping that inpatient can be avoided with Suboxone AND counseling (he requires some counseling and has group meetings at his Family Practice clinic for his Sub patients). I am hoping Suboxone will allow me to form new habits and build my self-discipline back instead of having the "I dont care what I have to do or spend to get the drugs but I have to get them. I will feel fine after I take them and deal with the consequences then." This habit has made me a more compulsive person and also made it to where I HAVE to have something in my pocket for "emergency" situations of stress, awkwardness, or boredness. I know I need counseling and I know I need this discussion board, so THANK YOU guys for your great thoughts and concerns. I look forward to more. Roger | ||||
Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: February 26, 2011, 9:33 PM
I'll state the obvious which is that thousands upon thousands of medical practioners learn about the 'subjective' effects of the drugs by reading and researching medical literature and interviewing patients. Sounds like so much pretension to me.
Wow...I've seen this before but it always astounds me that anyone blames someone else when they pick up...actually even set themselves up with a convenient excuse to pick up. That is wonderfully convenient. I don't know what you've got in your pocket, but I'd get rid of it if it isn't suboxone. Peace ~ MomNMore -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.  | ||||
Posts: 2606
Joined: July 13, 2007
Posted: February 26, 2011, 10:46 PM
Now, now Mom...you know it's not our fault if someone does or says something that makes us use! LOL
I used that one the first time I got clean. Hubby thought I should've been better than I was a week into recovery and was fighting with me. I had to take the pills again to feel better and get him off my back. Now, tell me how that was in any way my fault? lol Seriously, Roger....welcome to the board and recovery. Sub is a great tool if used in combination with group meetings to help you learn recovery tools. One on one counseling is also very beneficial. I wish you the best! -------------------- Me & Rob.......(bad pic but it's treasure to me)  Faith, Hope, And, Love And The Greatest Of These is Love...... xoxoxo Rhonda | ||||
Posts: 562
Joined: August 3, 2009
Posted: February 27, 2011, 7:21 AM
I wear my addiction like a badge of honor bro. I am alive, Just for today, which is all I got man. I fought the God dam drug war for along time, it takes it toll, I kept going back for another tour of duty.
I say that as surviving veteran of the war, a war with more cost in lives and dollars than all the other wars combined, addiction touches everyone in some fashion, to think you would have gone through life unaffected by it, well we see that was wrong thinking. You could get on that train, now and quit using. Or like the dude at the end of Hurt Locker, you can get clean, look around at what you have and decide you like the drug war more. Your life, but those thoughts that other people, with the possible exception of your wife, remotely care what script your filling, or that your an addict, may be somewhat exgarrated by the irrational impulses the brain creates during dependency and withdrawal. welcome to the old VFW if you will, it is nice to meet you, and thanks for the tales of your tour in the war, will you be going back for another tour? anyway, It has been my experience in life, that most people got a lot going on man. Peace....Keep Coming back | ||||
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Posts: 6
Joined: February 24, 2011
Posted: February 28, 2011, 2:19 AM
Thanks for the responses. MomsNMore, I appreciate your responses, but please realize that referencing small pieces of my post out of context does not equate to what you've "seen before" so don't be astounded just yet... I have used nothing now but Suboxone since Feb 20th (and had tapered myself from oxy/hydro-codone down to tramadol even then). Yes, I know that 7 days clean ("buprenorphine clean" anyway) is not anything to go and write a book about, but it is a start. I obviously did not use any "wonderfully convenient excuse" to grab some pills and chomp. Nothing about hidden addiction was convenient for my wife... I think about it every minute of every hour of every day. I know in my heart that I deserve nothing to be convenient or easy in my recovery. My amazing wife, however, has made this FAR easier than I could have imagined; her concern and support makes me realize that I am important and my recovery does matter. She helps me realize my self-worth which provides me the strength to be a better husband and father. Yes, she had a brief anger period (which is absolutely justified) that made me inquire, in a way on the board, as to whether or not my response to anger from a support person was normal. I would never use my wife (or anyone) as an excuse to relapse and undo all that Ive worked towards for myself and my family. I got myself into this situation, was helped to realize my addictions gravity step out of it by my wife and family, but realize that it is me, ONLY me, that has to keep myself clean and FREE of that monstrous addiction.
MomsNMore, I am not justifying an addiction by saying that I was trying to understand medicine; if anything I was making fun of my silly, at that time young adult, brain that justified experimenting with substances.I was trying to make sense of the "why" I did it with speculation. It was the experimentation that primed the receptors in my brain for the addiction that I later LET MYSELF SLIP into for reasons that I could have helped in hindsight. Yes, I am very aware of the research and studies that medical practitioners do on a DAILY basis. I have spent entire days in my studies researching and writing and I am thankful for those days. I know more about the patient experience from those days than I ever learned with drug use. I love the practice of medicine with a passion that is indescribable and would never suggest substance abuse helps anyone be a better provider (referring to when you assumed that I chose drug use over medical literature). Understand that I fit into no mold you may have cast. I am unique, just as you are. I am also the same as almost everyone here in that we all struggle with addiction or know someone who struggles with it. Being jaded is much more dangerous than being pretentious. I make no excuses for slipping into addiction and will make no excuses that will make it easier for me to go back into it. And thank you deadhead for the welcome, I will not be returning for another tour. Roger | ||||
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Posts: 562
Joined: August 3, 2009
Posted: February 28, 2011, 5:46 AM
Hey now,
I just wanted to say, you are a well written fellow. Your responses and posts are very eloquent, I enjoy the read. I hope you keep coming around. I also hope you simplify this whole thing. pills bad for me No pills good for me Now that is a simple place to start, in only took me 30 hell filled years to digest that simple fact in MY life Or if you really feel the need for something more sophisticated you can try, One is to many and a thousand never enough. Peace be with you | ||||
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Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: February 28, 2011, 9:29 AM
I cast no mold...just responded to what you wrote, your words formed that response. "Jaded" perhaps...I prefer "experienced. What makes you think pretension is somehow better than jaded? I cannot even find a way to equate the two as they are such diverse concepts.
I never impugne anyone's clean time...every day is a blessing and a step in the right direction and I have no idea how you took that from my post. Like DH said, it's a simple idea...drugs bad, clean good. Good luck ~ MomNMore | ||||
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Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004
Posted: February 28, 2011, 1:19 PM
The thing is Roger..you're not unique. None of us are. We like to think we and that our situation is different from everyone else. Couldn't be further from the truth. We are addicts. Just like the guy on the street.
With all of your medical knowledge this may be a bit harder for you to understand. Maybe it's time to let all of that go and start thinking in steps. Steps to get clean and sober the way it's been done for a long time now. Have you ever been to an NA or AA meeting? Check one out..I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. I sure was. So glad you're here. -------------------- I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember. | ||||
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Posts: 6
Joined: February 24, 2011
Posted: February 28, 2011, 11:33 PM
Thanks everyone for the concern and the responses. Deadhead, thank you for the simple advice and even the more complex option :) . I want to be clean from this point forward and want no further tours in this war.
Cowgirl, I have not been a part of a NA meeting (as a patient)/have not joined. It is something I will take into consideration in addition to counseling and my required suboxone meetings. However, I have viewed the NA as a cookie cutter approach to recovery. This is fine for many and might even be great for me but I am simply stating that those who fail or do not seem to "click" with these program should explore other options. I, too, am thankful for each day I have clean and agree it is a blessing. I appreciate all of your diverse opinions and guidance. Roger | ||||
Posts: 5418
Joined: September 12, 2004
Posted: March 1, 2011, 11:26 AM
Hello,
Try to set aside anything you think you know about NA or any other recovery tool. Your brain has been on drugs and is not functioning on all cylinders yet. Open mindedness is the key in this journey. -------------------- Meditation: It's is not what you think. | ||||
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Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004
Posted: March 1, 2011, 1:27 PM
NA or AA is what you make of it. It's worked just fine for alot of people. Myself included for a lot of years now. I abused pain meds for 26 years before finally putting my a** in one of those meetings chairs. I would be dead by now had I not.
If you don't think it'll work, it probably won't. If you do like the previous poster said, clear your mind of all preconceptions and just be willing, the miracle could happen. -------------------- I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember. | ||||
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Posts: 517
Joined: August 7, 2010
Posted: March 1, 2011, 8:11 PM
I just have to say that the "cookie cutter approach" when referring to NA made me laugh.
At least you have an opinion about it, which is more than I had when I first walked through those doors to a meeting at age 55. Those rooms are full of an amazingly diverse mixture of people, each of them taking their own path to recovery. NA may be a lot of things, but cookie cutter it is not. At the very least, it's a place where one can hear insights into the why's and what's of our disease and pick-up tips on the pitfalls to watch for and tricks our minds play on us. Any addict that is serious about recovery owes it to themself to just attend a meeting or two. That goes for you. I must ask, did you try to quit on your own? I mean just lay the drugs down and deal with the withdrawals? I ask because suboxone is a powerful narcotic as I'm sure you know. You've traded an addiction to short-acting opiates for an addiction to a fairly long-acting opiate. That's not necessarily a bad thing. If you are seeing a competent addiction specialist and he tapers you down fairly rapidly, I've heard of great success stories from suboxone therapy. I suspect that it depends to a large degree on your dedication to the process and your willingness to do whatever it takes to get clean. Getting clean is the first step. That can be measured in days and even minutes at times. Recovery is measured in months and years. We get there one day at a time. If you indeed have the willingness to do whatever it takes, you'll swallow your pride and get yourself to an NA meeting. Or overcome your fear, or ego, or whatever it is that is keeping you from accessing help that is free for the taking. Anyone here can vouch for the fact that this disease is progressive and ultimately deadly. Don't kid yourself. While you are a unique individual, this disease does not care about your individuality any more than smallpox cares who it infects. | ||||
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Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: March 2, 2011, 9:14 AM
Mark, it's awesome to see how much you've grown :-)
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Posts: 6235
Joined: May 31, 2005
Posted: March 7, 2011, 9:12 AM
Rachel unfortunately knocked the cards down and set this back to reality...what you learned,or supposedly l learned under the inflluence of amphetamines,cocaine and in my case incredibly powerful mescaline was simply a pubescent fantasy.My real learing came with logging into a power greater than myself who I discovered was a simple walk in a park with tha vibrant colors of orange and yellow announcing to he world life has given us another 24 hours to be incredibly happy or miserable.What coice to do you want to make? We do have a choice.
I often think of sweet Sammy.She made a choice to be happy and I will never forget her.In spite of her many ailments she shined brighter than the sun and lived each day with such glorious gratitude it made my problems asinine and irrelevant.I often think of Jeff and others on here and how they persevere. Life is amazing. --------------------  "Sometimes the biggest catch will bite you in the a**" | ||||
Posts: 95
Joined: November 18, 2005
Posted: March 7, 2011, 12:57 PM
The key to success with suboxone is not not not tapering off fairly quickly. I realize that sub is a narcotic, and that NA / AA does not recognize people who take suboxone as being "clean" but that is neither here nor there for a suboxone patient unless he or she chooses to make it so, and surely has nothing to do with the sound practice of medicine. Getting on suboxone with the idea of getting off as quickly as possible sounds great, but it has been fairly conclusively established that doing so offers no greater chance of successful recovery than cold turkey detox, not if success if defined by staying off illicits for more than a period of a few days or weeks following cessation of meds.
Taking suboxone is no more an addiction than taking insulin for diabetes. The whole point of taking suboxone is to eliminate the behaviors that define addiction, and where the medication is successful (and I understand that that is not 100% of the time) there is no addiction. The patient is dependent just like an insulin-dependent diabetic needs that medication to live and function, but not addicted. Addiction is characterized by secrecy, lies, compulsive over-use, inability to establish and maintain healthy relationships, and just generally a life that revolves around and is infected by the cycle of substance use and withdrawal in every way. That is not an accurate picture of a successful suboxone patient at all. | ||||
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Posts: 20396
Joined: February 12, 2004
Posted: March 7, 2011, 1:20 PM
Very well said Cecily
-------------------- I used Drugs to forget, I got clean to remember. | ||||
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