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Posted: July 31, 2012, 9:48 PM
Today was much better, I actually had a pretty darn good day up until a second ago. Nothing big just had a phone call that stressed me out.
Stress is now my number 1 enemy. Things I would have blown off now hold an unrealistic gravity... I'm absolutely sure this is just the chemicals in my brain slowly working their way to equilibrium, I know I will be fine soon enough. It's like being on a boat, rocked my a massive wave. I'm up and happy one moment, down in the dumps the next. Luckily each time the boat rocks in another direction it's slightly less, I can feel the seas are calming. One day at a time... One day at a time... | ||
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Posted: July 31, 2012, 9:49 PM
Woo hoo, page 3!!!!!!
:D | ||
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Posted: August 1, 2012, 12:11 PM
Mornings are just terrible.
Im noticing a trend towards extremely high anxiety each morning the moment I wake up. I'm usually a "snooze button" guy, and this morning I noticed I was continually waking up in a panicked state thinking I slept in. I would be slightly relieved when I would look at the alarm, then exhaustedly go back to sleep for a few more minutes. I'm a zombie in the mornings, I always have been. This just makes it worse. As soon as I'm out of bed though my brain is racing with concern and worry, even over the most trivial things. Like if I had to send an email once I get to the office; even some trivial email that won't get a response, for some reason it's the first thing in my mind when I wake up. I could almost swear that I'm even dreaming about it (work, stress, etc.) WTF???? Once I get to the office and see that the world isn't ending I calm down... A bit. But then I'm just exhausted throughout the day. I won't use again, but perhaps I'm seeing the symptoms of WHY I originally convinced myself to use. I refuse to go on anti-depressants, that's treating the symptom, not the problem. I've had friends and loved ones who have gone on anti-depressants, and what ensues seems to be a constant game of imbalance as doctors prescribe one drug after another to keep counterbalancing, often making the original problem worse. I must confess I did watch the news again this morning... And at work... No good news there, just more doom and gloom. I have to stop watching the news! I also have to go to bed earlier, I still have yet to fall asleep before 1:00AM. I've always been a night owl and I see many others on this forum posting late as well. Here's my next plan: I'm going to record my favorite funny night time shows and watch them in the morning instead. I love late night TV, Conan, comedy central, etc. so I usually have been watching until about 11:30, then take a relaxing bath, read the bible, then read a novel some before going to sleep. That gets me to shutting my eyes by about 1:00 to 1:30-2:00 AM. Clearly that's just not sustainable for me in the long run. I just LOVE the night time, the outside world finally stops trying to "invade" and I can just have ME time. Decompression time. I will do my best to record my shows and start my reading earlier, I'll say 9:00PM. Go to sleep by 11:00, the. Wake up a little earlier knowing I've got Conan to watch in the morning instead of "doom and gloom". These politicians at each others throats and blaming each other for the worlds problems is just getting old anyways. In the end we must look to ourselves and God to make our lives better. One day at a time... One day at a time... | ||
Posts: 16
Joined: July 23, 2012
Posted: August 1, 2012, 3:59 PM
I totally agree about anti-depressants. Some people say they get relief from them, but most people I know seem to have bad experiences. I don't care for modern medicine's "a pill will cure anything" approach. Pharmaceuticals do not equal health, mental, physical or otherwise. If you want to work through depression it takes more effort than just popping a pill. You sound like a very self-aware person. I feel like being introspective and aware of your moods and aware of what works to balance yourself is very necessary for working through depression.
I did take some 5-htp and St. John's Wort some when I was pulling out of a bad depression a few years ago, which are both natural remedies, but the other stuff I was always very wary of. I guess it doesn't make sense to me that depression is a "chemical" disease that can just be cured with another chemical. It is an emotional/mental disease that needs to be treated by honestly facing and releasing emotions in healthy ways, and learning how to calm your mind. Our minds create a lot of unnecessary stress for us. In regards to my question about my sister not eating, I think she is taking some kind of Rx pill that has a speedy effect. This is based on some things she said as well as her behavior. Her best friend also said to me (without me mentioning my own suspicions) that she felt the same way. I think escapism is fine... getting lost in a book, getting lost in your own creativity or in a project, planting a garden, etc. There are a million ways to escape from worries and stress and most of them are not bad for us. It's just when it becomes obsessive that it is a problem, and it doesn't sound like that's what's happening for you. You have to replace the drug with something! Replace it with laughter! That's a great choice. :) I've been exercising and I know that helps me some with letting go of stress/worry also. it also helps me to get more energy, which is good as I'm a naturally low-energy person and this last visit with my sister made me feel like I had been hit by a truck. Literally there was one day last week when if I didn't have an appointment with a personal trainer I was so exhausted I could have slept all day... like well into the evening. | ||
Posts: 8683
Joined: April 24, 2007
Posted: August 1, 2012, 4:41 PM
It is both chemical and emotional, but often the chemical imbalance prevents the sufferer from being able to face and release those emotions. When the balance is wrong, there is no calming the mind. So it may not work for you, but it saves lives and sanity every day. -------------------- You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.  | ||
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Posted: August 1, 2012, 7:57 PM
While there are definitely people who need a pill to help balance themselves out as Momnmore said, (uncontrollable panic attacks, bi-polar, the list goes on) I think many people that are just "feeling down" such as myself go for the easy out and take the pill without figuring out WHY they feel that way. I think with some basic life changes like going to bed earlier, eating right and excercising I can be right as rain. At least it's worth giving an honest effort, worst case scenario is I'm healthier and still stressed :)
I also have to remember that I'm still recovering... although it feels like its been months since I used to be a using addict, the reality is that I quit only a few weeks ago. I'm positive that after two years of heavy use my mind and body will not be 100% after this short of a time. I'm very hopeful that like others who have recovered from this terrible drug, I'll get out of my "funk" after about a month. I'm sure part of this healing process is learning to cope with stress without reverting to drugs. I'm glad to hear from you that my desire to escape is normal as long as it doesn't become excessive, it's great to be able to bounce ideas off of you all and make sure I'm not falling into another rabbit hole. Thank you for your comment about me being self-aware :). I feel like if I can figure out WHY I do certain things and feel certain ways, I will be able to make real progress in my life. In a way I felt like this has been all part of a larger mid-life crisis, but also a time of introspection where I can really stop and decide what I really want out of life, not just surviving day to day. Why was I unhappy? What made me use? To be honest I think a majority of my problem was that I never stopped living like a college kid behind closed doors. In public and at work I am very responsible, but in my own home I just go for instant gratification. No cleaning, cooking, maintaining, laundry, nothing. Once Im at home I usually leave all my cares at the door and do what I want. The problem is that maintaining that lifestyle is impossible, or at least extremely undesirable. I've finally had enough, I need to build a routine, but a realistic one I will follow. I used to binge clean... Waiting until there was nothing clean then finally attacking the problem with dedication. Perhaps that's what I'm finally doing with my life. I just have to remember to have fun and still smell the roses!! Thank you all again for all of your care and support. | ||
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Posted: August 3, 2012, 5:28 AM
hi i have a problem with this synthetic weed and i feel i really messed myself up by smokeing it with 5 bowls of it and its been 8 months and i still feel not myself anymore and im trying to find some answers for how am i gonna get rid of this damage i done and im only 17 years and idk this stuff was new to me i never heard of this in my life until i found out it was synthetic i smoked and i thought it was real marijuana but i was wrong i get anixiady almost everyday i couldnt go outside, drive and go into stores. is this permit??? if it is. is there any medication i can take????? please help i hate this reaction :'( my email is markoarchos@gmail.com
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Posted: August 3, 2012, 5:32 AM
please email me for some answers
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Posted: August 3, 2012, 6:34 PM
Marko,
Welcome to recovery! First off, I'd like to keep any discussion on recovery from this drug on this anonymous forum, I'm just not comfortable using my e-mail address. Also many other addicts trying to recover will come here with the same problems and questions as we have, it will benefit everyone if we keep in on this forum. As it is anonymous please feel free to ask any questions you want, this is the place to do it. I might need some clarifications on how you started... Did you smoke 5 bowls at once? Or was this done over an extended of time... Have you stopped smoking it? It sounds like you have and are worried about possible long term affects. If that's the case all I can tell you is that most who quit do feel like themselves again after a month or two, according to other forums. I can tell you that I feel a bit better everyday, a little more centered and able to control my emotions. This is after quitting a few weeks ago. What you also have to take into consideration is that your 17.... No matter what your going to feel like your emotions and anxiety are out of whack. It's because they are, and it's natural. I think I felt anxious and stressed until my mid 20's, and I would bet most adults agree. Could this be natural (hormonal)? Or is this definitely a side affect from the drug? I've never heard of long term side affects but would love to hear what you think. Are you using any other drugs currently, including medications? Keep your head up, 17 is a haaaard age to be. I hated it to be honest, but I promise your 20s will be better. All the things you desire at 17 you can achieve in your 20s (girls, money, popularity, car, respect, etc.). You just have to work for it. Good luck and keep us posted! | ||
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Posted: August 4, 2012, 5:25 AM
well i thought it was real marijuana cause i got it from this kid i knew and i smoked 1 joint and 5 bowls at once and after the joint i started to have anixiaty and the next day i was still stoned when i woke up early to go to school and everything went well but when i came home i felt really sick and i started to have anixiaty attack again and now its been 8 months and my anixiaty attacks are gone but now i feel diffrent now like i feel like im dreaming but im actually awake and its scary and i wish theres a way to get rid of this effect and i hope not i damaged the hell out of my self do i need medication for this?
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Posted: August 4, 2012, 5:27 AM
and i dont smoke weed or any fake stuff anymore because what i discovered of this effect and its really effecting my life right now and its not fun
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Posts: 11
Joined: August 4, 2012
Posted: August 4, 2012, 6:55 AM
Just burned through almost 9 grams of this horrible demonic drug in a week...9 grams that I intended to make last for several months, but then I just kept smoking it and smoking it and haven't been able to stop since I bought it. These are the strongest urges I've ever had to do anything, and this is the heaviest I've ever smoked it before. It started out with much less, and a lower tolerance, but now it's like I have to have it most of the time I'm awake.
This stuff is such bad news; I think it's wrecking my life. I started smoking it after failing to get a job with a company that had interviewed me twice. For some reason, I took that loss really hard and have been on a binge with this stuff since. Can't seem to give up the last bit I have; I'm hoping I can just stop buying any more. I'm willing to use any alternatives during the withdrawal so long as they're all-natural and legal. What I'm really worried about are the emotional and mental withdrawals that I never seem to be able to overcome. I always caved in a week or two after trying to stay away from it. I really wish synthetic weed wasn't so easy to find and buy. This crap just needs to disappear, now...but I can't wait for that to happen before I quit, so I'm quitting as soon as I'm out. There's really no alternative at this point. I have to stop smoking it. I've wasted so much money on it, I can't afford any more. I started getting obsessive thoughts about ways to acquire money for more...started contemplating selling some of my old stuff (some of it quite valuable) just to buy more! That was my first significant alarm-bell...I realized this is an addiction and have been calling it one ever since I had that thought. Since that thought, it's just gotten worse. I don't think I've ever encountered something as addicting as this is for me. What's scary is I know I haven't really "hit bottom" yet, and keep hearing I need to do that before I can quit? I don't want to hit bottom with this stuff, what's it's done to me already is bad enough! Bottom could be a heart attack, as some nights I've smoked enough to get some worrisome chest pains. I have thought I was dying a few times after possibly ODing on the stuff. Once, my vision almost blacked out completely; this was a night when I threw out everything. I flushed the bag, put my pipe in the dumpster, and said "it's over". But, a few weeks later I was back at it again, smoking even more than before. That won't happen again, I swear I will find any alternative I can to replace it, even if it's just regular cannabis and/or alcohol. I have to swear off of this particular substance forever. I have had and still do have several other addictions, but this is the worst one by far. I don't think anything has ever impacted my life so negatively, and I'm comparing it to alcohol, tobacco, self-injury (cutting myself), and my past version of an eating disorder. Not to say it's worse than all of those other addictions/problems for others, but this stuff seems to have a particularly strong hold on me, and makes me feel sicker (mentally, emotionally, physically) than when I was cutting, drinking all the time, and starving myself. It's really strange to think it has been worse for me than all that, and writing that down in this thread is making it impossible to ignore the weight and severity of such a statement. I mean, obviously...what I was doing before wasn't healthy, but I think it made more sense than the synthetic cannibinoids have, at least for me... And I've never felt stomach pains like this before, ever...in all my ED history have I felt stomach pain like this. Headaches are getting bad, too. I think I've went past my limits here. This post has been edited by thirst on August 4, 2012, 7:16 AM | ||
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Posted: August 4, 2012, 10:53 AM
I've been smoking spice for a year and a half now. In simply trying to pass drug tests, I've gotten sucked into this horrible beast. I get that same "have to have it, NOW" feeling. When I'm without, I feel sick. I cant eat, I get horrible headaches, & I just feel like I've been hit by a bus. My chest gets tight & I get super nervous. I'm going on 3 days clean. I need a way to beat this, to be over it. It's become such a part of my daily life though. I am a fully functioning full-time worker & have an incredible amount of friends and a supportive family that hates to see me going down this road. I have tried to hint at loved ones that rehab is basically all that will fix this. I am starting college soon though, & I need to get my head straight. ADVICE!!
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Posted: August 4, 2012, 10:57 AM
& to Thirst,
your story sounds alot like mine. I have horrible stomach pain also. Obsessive thoughts. Selling old things and making regular trips to the pawn shop when payday is still two days away. I try to make the 5g bags last also, and end up going through them in like 2 days. I use smoking spice for everything. To help me sleep, calm me down, hype me up, just whatever. It's becoming a crutch. And I'm tired of the addiction also. I cant even go to the store to buy cigs without the guy behind the counter trying to GIVE me a bag & let me pay him back later. It's way too easy to access. | ||
Posts: 175
Joined: June 26, 2012
Posted: August 4, 2012, 11:48 AM
I think addiction to ANYTHING has the same withdrawal problems (worse, obviously, for some things) but you will have to have about two weeks before the obsession is not there all the time.
Help yourself by finding an NA meeting and talking about this (do speak up so people know you are new). Having a group of addicts to relate to is huge. For that matter AA also has people I know who have been hooked on this stuff. You've done 3 days, take it an hour at a time if you have to, and the time will add up. You can't control the thoughts that come into your mind, but you CAN control how long they stay there! Post here a lot; it helps. | ||
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Posted: August 4, 2012, 12:20 PM
Thank you.
i'm very much in shame about my addiction though, not sure AA meetings are all me. Furthermore I'm very shy and quite embarassed about exactly how much I have smoked. I'm a bit afraid to disclose exactly how deep my obsession has gotten. This is the most I've ever confessed. Honestly the first time I've ever acknowledged my problem out loud. I need a way to beat this without it progressing to another addiction and reliance upon other substances. The first day I just drank to forget about it. The day after I realized how absolutely ridiculous that was. Transferring my addiction to a different substance isn't what I want either. This morning was hard. It was my immediate first thought. I smoked a cig & cooked breakfast to try and free my mind of it. When I sat down to eat, I nearly threw up just trying to eat. I have no appetite whatsoever. Which is VERY unlike me. Then i start feeling like whats the point in even trying? if i get high, i'll eat. That's so unhealthy. When that reality hit me, I automatically wanted to get high so I wouldn't think about it. :/ It's just so hard!! I've cleaned house, top to bottom. Done work outside. Cooked like crazy. There are absolutely 0 dirty clothes in my house. & I'm working 50+ hours a week. I figured that would get my mind off of it, but I think I may be overwhelming myself and making it worse. Ahh, the cycle. ^ just those cycle of thoughts make it so hard not to go three miles down the rd & get a $10 bag. :/ | ||
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Posts: 11
Joined: August 4, 2012
Posted: August 4, 2012, 7:04 PM
Wow, this stuff is much more expensive where I live. I am promising myself not to buy anymore, as it is like $50 for a smaller bag. I cannot afford this escalating habit. Ugh...it's terrible. I will not smoke it ever again. I have some down time where I can just deal with withdrawal and no one will notice if I get sick. I am hoping they won't be too bad, but whatever the case I just can't put this stuff in my body anymore. What's crazy is how afraid I've become of withdrawals, I don't want to deal with the pain. But, it's getting more painful to keep smoking it.
I can't believe I was ever naive enough to pick up this habit. I feel like I was tricked it, or tricked myself somehow, into believing it was a safer drug than it has turned out to be. | ||
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Posts: 11
Joined: August 4, 2012
Posted: August 4, 2012, 7:10 PM
The 'high' is very unpleasant now, and consists mainly of me worrying whether it'll do major damage to me. I mean, how can that possibly be fun? But, it's compelling to just keep smoking it, despite all the contrary knowledge. I feel really stupid for even wanting to get high from it.
Anyway, I finally concur that it is an absolutely terrible substance and wish to be free of it. I am beginning to get small nosebleeds, and other strange symptoms. I don't know if it's just dry nasal passages (from smoking so much in such a short time) or if I'm really just killing myself slowly. Both are probably true. I've never taken anything prone to giving me nosebleeds, and then continued after getting them. That is one of those major lines I crossed a few months ago that should have been a serious warning sign, but I was too hooked by then. | ||
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Posts: 11
Joined: August 4, 2012
Posted: August 4, 2012, 7:16 PM
I'm likewise shy and AA hasn't really worked for me. I have went a few times as a stranger to meetings, and then never showed up again. I even spoke out once, but after that I didn't return for months. This was long before this had revealed itself to be such a problem.
I think I need to spend more time outside during the day, and I have tried to, but the weather is so humid and hot this summer that it's miserable and dangerous to be out there for too long. I have to stay indoors when I would rather go outside, because the weather has been so extreme here and I am very sensitive to it. If I could get outside more, I'd have something to distract...but it might be difficult if my withdrawl symptoms are too much. I will just have to sit around by myself fighting off the urge. Maybe I'll write on the computer and distract myself that way. I used to write short stories and poetry, but now all my creativity is gone and I may not get it back thanks to this crap. I don't know how that will effect me in the long-term. That's really frightening. | ||
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Posted: August 4, 2012, 10:03 PM
Thirst,
I feel your pain. I will have to find all new friends. Can't go to the only convience store close to my house or I'll end up with it. I have sat at the house, staring at the walls, arguing with my own self. My body says yes. & the short-term WANT often overwhelms me. My mind says no though. I have stared at the TV & computer for like 30 minutes, just arguing with myself in my head. I can't say much as far as the withdrawl goes. When it gets bad for me, I seem to have turned to other substances to take the edge off. I've been physically sick. I am so scared to even be in this horrible cycle. Yet, it's like a maze. Alot harder to get out of once your in deep and don't know where the end is. How long will these withdrawls last? How long will I wake up sweating and sick? How long until my memory sharpens up? Ahh, I'm just feeling stuck. | ||
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