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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: January 3, 2018, 11:29 AM
IDEAS:I have recently started reading about SMARTRecovery.org and CRAFT for family members. I started going to a recovery center that treats addiction and family members. My son sees different doctors at a mental health center - I am trying to get him to switch to the recovery center. He does take meds prescribed from dr's. but still something a little sketchy going on. maybe selling some or buying other stuff. He is working a new job, I think that might be motiving him a little. It is hard to tell. we just wait and watch. I started going to naranon meetings. my goal is for me to learn more while trying to steer my son in the right direction.
our goal is to keep gently pushing for his independence. But as we all know we can give and do a lot for them, but they have to dig down deep and do the work it takes. Some have said there is an level of maturity involved too. My son also will not fully admit that what he is doing is wrong, or that he has caused his own problems. just last night he stated " why has life always been so hard for me and looks easy for other people". I just said "idk, and gave him a hug" both of us are tired of saying the obvious. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Advice - This is for YOU and your spouse. You have done all you can for your son. It is time to batten down the hatches and do for yourselves. see if you can both get on the same page with how you are handling this. Go to meetings or counseling apart and together - see if you can find therapists who are experts in dealing w addiction counseling. While keeping things in check for your son, you need to look at YOUR future. I do still want to give my son a chance and support good decisions, but I do have to face reality and know that he may not change. Therefore, I recently took an inventory of my life and had to say "how do I want my life to look like for the next 30 years" How do I get myself there. Isnt it OK for me to have a life that I love. I started going to and finding recovery resources to help me figure out how to get out of my son's life and into mine. You and your spouse decide on boundaries - just one at a time. agree on one step towards your goals and then put it in place. remember boundaries and goals can be changed if they are not working out. | ||
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Posted: January 3, 2018, 8:37 PM
There's some great advice there and i really appreciate you taking the time to write.
My wife and i have never arranged counciling for ourselves and instead have (wrongly) just 'got on' with things. Unfortunately it's the English way. Maybe it's time we did this time before it destroys our life completely. Our son by the way has rarely ever engaged with anything arranged for him - as long as he has his substance of choice he is happy to carry on. As everyone says, if they don't want to help themselves then there's no helping them. One other thing, in the UK there is little mental health support for addicts as it is felt it's too difficult to confidently distinguish between any under lying medical issues and the effects of the drugs. There are some self referral options but no proper engagement or support from specialists. We were told the same thing some years ago when he was using 'speed' on top of cannabis which led to some self harming and suicide attempts and the mental health service did not want to know and just told him to come back when he had stopped the drugs. This post has been edited by Jet0912 on January 3, 2018, 8:53 PM | ||
Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: January 3, 2018, 10:46 PM
Hi Jet, In the USA it’s not easy to get help for addicts either. Even the methadone costs them if their working. Which is a lot off their paychecks and minimum wage here is $10 an hour. I believe methadone is $100 a week. There is no government housing for the young. Hotel rooms cost $250 a week in some seedy dump because apartments are $700 a month. Then the addicts have to travel distances relying on rides because there are no buses here in the rural areas. They all need cars and can’t afford them either. My daughter was 17 when she started on heroin. There was nowhere to take her. We were told they only had a place for adults 18 and older. We had a terrible time finding a detox place too and had to take her 60 miles away. They put her out early before her time was up because the insurance didn’t cover alot, they even withheld medicine from her because it was too expensive. We continued the detox at home without medicine. Then about 4 days later got her into a rehab 50 miles away thank goodness. Didn’t matter though....she’s 35 now and still takes drugs. There is no where for her to go get help here in my state. People wish their kids to get put in jail for a while so they will get help. I’ve wished it too. She is on methadone and has been trying to ween herself off it for a while now. We don’t have the answers over here anymore than you do in the U.K. But doesn’t the free healthcare at least help? In reference to not getting help with your son on drugs..it’s the same here as it is there...you get what you pay for unless you live in Hollywood. I wish you well. Here are three things that you should know to help kept your sanity. 1)You didn’t cause this. 2)You can’t control it 3)You cant cure it. He has to want to be clean himself. Take care of you and your wife like NY suggests. Thats what you can control. Take care. M
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: January 4, 2018, 12:19 PM
Jet - here is link to Smart Recovery Family and Friends Handbook: | ||
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Posted: January 6, 2018, 5:03 AM
Thanks for these, much appreciated!
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