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Posts: 165
Joined: February 17, 2015
Posted: March 19, 2015, 3:18 AM
Hi Milliemac,
I completely understand where you are coming from regarding mood swings, uncontrolled emotions, and agitation, as well as problems with lack of control of impulses and compulsions. I can tell you I am not 100% better in that regard. I too still have little things that agitate me and make me angry inside. The key strategy for me that has been helping me is the counseling I have been receiving and the process of learning about myself and becoming much more self-aware about my emotions and mental state(s). These processes help us to learn about ourselves and to redirect and re-evaluate our thinking processes. I'm sure your significant-other will remain strong and support you through this process. It seems like you are dealing with this problem well and showing good progress which will be positive for your partner. I understand the tag of being a people-pleaser. I also have a tendency to be that way, but I am definitely learning that during recovery especially - we need to be selfish, selfish to ourselves to ensure we can become a functioning and contributing member to society. Don't worry about venting, continue to do so, it is completely healthy. Remember everyone is different, many people quit cold turkey and many people taper off medications and drugs as well. Each person's strategy that works individually for them is the right strategy for that person. Don't let anyone ever say that you need to do something a certain way because everyone is different and everyone requires a personalised plan that they can follow to achieve success. Keep on keeping on. Stay strong, stay calm, stay vigilant! Cheers, Cam. | ||
Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 19, 2015, 6:29 AM
Thanks Cam- words of great wisdom again ((:
I got up today and the sun is shining not only outside but in my heart too. I'm an feeling positive that I am doing something about this problem and trying so hard to take it one day at a time. Think that's my biggest problem ... I keep thinking about the next few weeks/months and start to panic . Yesterday I found myself thinking why did I say anything ? I could be carrying on with my pill popping and managing fine with daily life and then I gave myself a kick ! 30/40 pills a day isn't managing it's bloody killing yourself !!!! Personally I have become an expert at 'blocking' everything out and pretending all is well and I by coming clean I have no choice but to face up to the issues that I was trying to suppress in the first place . I felt completely over whelmed by it all yesterday- but today I am focusing on the fact I've came clean to my hubby , sought help from Overthecount, seen my GP , went to an addiction centre, and halved my intake in ten days so I've came along way! Today's to dos are: speak to my GP and find out what's going on re my health and sort out 1-1 counciling ( and sort the house (:) and give myself a pat on the back! Thanks so much again Cam, writing on here and reading your replies gives my mind a much needed diversion from thinking about the pills Millie x | ||
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Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 19, 2015, 4:03 PM
Thought I would let you know you were right Cam in relation to my tests. Unbelieveably I have no anemia , no mineral deficiencies and a completely healthily liver . I have a slightly raised EMR which is prob down to irritation in the lining of my stomach but abs nothing else to indicate real damage . I really feel like I've been given a second chance and I am not going to waste it . I know that if I continue down this path then it's only a matter of time before I face serious health implications or death .
I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I can go to bed tonight without worrying that I won't be here for my gorgeous girl in a year or less. I think it's worth mentioning that you and I Cam, have been very lucky in this regard . I've read through all the threads on here re N+ and there are a lot of people who have been left with life alternating health issues not to mention the fact that any pain relief does nothing as their tolerance is so high after years of abuse ): I wouldn't want anyone reading this to think it's not dangerous to continue taking huge amounts if this nasty pill . Thanks again for your support Cam , it's really helping. Millie x | ||
Posts: 351
Joined: January 25, 2014
Posted: March 19, 2015, 9:16 PM
Hey Milliemac, it is great to read that u are doing well.........I can understand how your feeling at the moment regarding the fatigue and the emotions u are feeling.........I found these things to be extremely difficult in the early days of recovery.........I still get days where my emotions are all over the place.........it certainly is a roller coaster ride.........all u need to do is just hang on my friend......
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Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 20, 2015, 3:30 AM
Thanks Aussie Girl for your kind words , you have done amazing !!! When I read your story I really admired your honestly and courage - you've got a lot of your plate and yet you've beating this - I really hope today is full of the highest points on this roller coaster for you .
I had a great day yesterday and then bam !!! I'll just keep reminding myself that just like the highs don't last neither will this low. Like most of the people on here I haven't had the easiest of lives but at the moment things are good. I really think when you have had a lot of stuff to deal with you basically find yourself almost unable to accept and fully enjoy the good times for the fear of what's next ).: This forum has been my saviour . Although my husband has been great , I feel really exposed I suppose now my dirty secret is out and it's great to have somewhere where I can share my thoughts with someone else. Sending lots of love and hugs down under to you and ur gorgeous girl Aussie girl xxxxx | ||
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Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 20, 2015, 9:54 PM
OMG !!! Just had the most horrific dream that is left my girl home at bedtime to go out and buy pills. In the dream no matter what I did I could find my way back for hours . When I got home her face was swollen from crying cos she was looking for me ))).: what a terrifying experience and I was so determined I was buying that box of pills no matter what.
Thank God it wasn't real....think I'll go into bed with my girl now and thank god it never got that bad xxxxx | ||
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Posts: 165
Joined: February 17, 2015
Posted: March 21, 2015, 12:12 AM
Hi Milliemac, | ||
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Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 21, 2015, 4:10 AM
Hi Cam , just up and I was hoping you'd reply so thanks (:
My taper plan is a total of 27 weeks. Because I cut my intake down myself to 18 for two days before I received the plan I was basically on week 8 straight away . However , when I spoke to the drugs councillor he suggested staying on the 18 for 2/3 weeks to get my body used to the lower amount. It's basically then cutting down by one pill every 6/7 days till the final week where it alternates btwn 0 and 1 pill . I feel ( at the moment ) this was good advice. I know for sure I couldn't have done this on my own. My hubby gives me my pills every day but I haven't been really tempted to cheat other than the odd 'what if' moment . The physical withdrawal are really nothing to complain about and this is something that even with C/T doesn't worry me . I'd rather be physically sick than totally anxious and depressed ): So by doing it this way I am getting my mind ready for life without NP. A chemist run was like a job to me . I do it first thing then feel good it was out the way . Trouble was anytime I bought a few boxes so I didn't have to go out for a few days, I would always take even more because I had access to them !!! My GP has started the ball rolling re 1-1 coucilling another must I feel if I am to develop new ways of dealing with post pill life. I actually watched a couple of the cam support videos- I seen the one where he was talking about a great guy from Oz that had started writing for them - wow didn't realise that was you !! Your putting your all into this cam and should be so proud ! I'll watch more later , the one I watched talked about layers of addiction . For me that made real sense . I take my pills , have a coffee and sit and smoke too much. Next I'll call family or friends ( I live 500 miles away) and support them all through whatever they're going through . It makes me feel wanted ! I know I care about them all ( with or without the pills ) it's just part of my 'routine ' I have to break . This might sound silly but knowing you read my posts and care enough to respond gives me a lift. Have a great day Cam ...I am going to do my abs best to do the same . Millie xxx | ||
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Posts: 165
Joined: February 17, 2015
Posted: March 21, 2015, 7:17 PM
Hi Milliemac,
That sounds like a nice conservative taper, and if it is working with you well then continue the plan. The taper will decrease withdrawals significantly although there may be some slight discomfiture when you finish completely but I suspect this will be very minimal. That's excellent that you and your partner are doing this together. Him being in charge of the medicine is definitely the recommended approach during a taper process so well done! Yeah the chemist run and shopping around was certainly one of the most annoying processes with this addiction. For me in Sydney, there are chemists everywhere, and so I would go to plenty, pretty much most of them in Sydney. I was needing to take 4 boxes a day for a while there so I wasn't able to use just a few chemists, I had to ensure there was a network of chemists I could go to. Thinking about it now is just horrible. It certainly is one of the great 'weight-off-the-shoulders' feelings you get when you stop taking these pills, because there's no more running around and lying to people. That's great re the counselling, I also am having counselling and it is a great help I think, very much so. I am also on an anti-depressant SSRI and SNRI, and whilst they are not for everyone, they have helped me throughout the recovery process for sure. I totally understand what you are saying when you want to listen and help others with their problems, but please also remember that currently - you need to be a little bit selfish. This is your time to change and alter the way you live your life. You need to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. Just like when in a plane, your oxygen mask needs to be secured on you first before you can help others with their oxygen. Stay the course, you are doing great. Keep watching Ryan's videos, and also read his and my blog articles if any interest you, they may help you see things differently when you are feeling down or feeling that something is not right. Most of all, remember that right now and for a while, your brain and emotions are in 'recovery', so try not to pay too much attention to your thoughts and thinking patterns because these will change over time and eventually you will return to a normal or a baseline - kind of a reset or homeostasis. Hope that makes sense. Stay strong, stay calm, stay vigilant! Cheers, Cam. | ||
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Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 22, 2015, 6:52 AM
Well yesterday was a really good day - kept busy and fought through the tiredness. However , I still see these bloody pills as my crutch and find myself looking forward to when I can take them.
Sometimes I wonder if doing a taper is somehow giving yourself permission to be an addict ? I feel my body has now adjusted to the lower dose so by cutting down 1 pull every 6-7 says really isn't going to have any physical downs. Cam , I watched a few more of the calmsupport videos and the guy really makes sense- in particular the one about eating well and exercise . It might be obvious but to know that he used these as a integral part of his recovery and is still clean gives me hope. I feel a bit overwhelmed today as I have a busy week ahead so instead of getting myself really worked up I've wrote a list of everything that needs doing . My hubby has never been great at helping out but then again I've never asked for help . So that's a major 'new' to me , ask for help when I need it! No more super women doing it all -( with a box of pills of course to help!) I love Ryan's idea of paying forward and helping others . When I look at the number of views my posts are getting but so few comments , I know there are so many people looking for help but maybe scared to face up to their problems like I was. Mille xxx | ||
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Posts: 165
Joined: February 17, 2015
Posted: March 22, 2015, 7:25 AM
Hi Milliemac,
Keep holding on, you are doing so well. Be proud of your efforts! It is so easy to just keep on taking pills, the fact you are taking positive steps to reduce your intake is huge. Keep reminding yourself of your efforts and what you are achieving. You know what, the pills are only a symptom or a by-product of your "real crutch". Your actual crutch is something much deeper, remember that! The pills do NOT own you, we always have a conscious choice and we can empower and strengthen our choices to make our recovery more effective. Your comments on the Calm-Support videos are spot-on. Keep watching Ryan's videos and be inspired from his many stories. He has been there in the toughest times, both alcohol addiction as well as opiate addiction, he has been to hell and back and he can help guide you through this journey just as he has helped me. Definitely don't be afraid to ask for help. If you need to, detail the tasks and activities you need to complete and achieve on here, and I will help to guide you on how you can achieve them. Remember, we are not alone. Even if it means you have one friend, or one person on the otherwise of the world who knows what you are going through, there is always someone who can lend a helping hand. Regarding the views of your posts they are definitely meaningful and valuable. Never underestimate the importance of what you are doing and saying, not only for yourself, but for others who are also struggling. Just think and imagine, about your experiences and posts helping others, that is so powerful. I hope it spurs you on to stay motivated and to continue along your recovery journey. Remember, do NOT discount the importance of your recovery because you are tapering. There are many ways to give up and stop taking drugs, cold turkey and tapering are just strategies to a long-term sober life. Taking 10 days or 20 weeks does not take away from the importance of the journey, they are both different methods but the end-result is the same goal. Keep reminding yourself that your journey is one that will lead to a better way of life, and that's what is truly important. As always - Stay strong, stay calm, stay vigilant! Cheers, Cam. | ||
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Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 23, 2015, 1:25 PM
Thanks Cam- I really needed to hear that (:
Yesterday was indeed a good day ! Got about this morning and decided to take 4 pills earlier than I normally would as I was going to be out most of the day. Well that caused an almighty row with my other half who then questioned the whole process ... I know he had every right but the fact that he then went on to get the pills ( incase I had been taking extra) infuriated me ! I guess I thought he was keeping a constant check and he wasn't . To me this is what I feel he should be doing as way of support . I completely get the fact that my recovery is ultimately down to me alone but what's the old saying about making a slip up as difficult for yourself as possible so you have time to really think about what your doing ? I have ,of course ,thought about what it would be like if I had just one extra card of pills ...... But haven't acted on it in any way. I suppose the child in me wants to be told how well I'm doing but the reality is I put myself on this path of disaster and have now taken him along for the ride ): I know for sure the pills are still my focus each day and I'm praying for the day that's it not the first thing I think off . I'm along way from the finishing line but trying so hard to focus on the good and take it one day at a time. Tomorrow I start reducing again , 1 pill at a time till I get to the day when I take the last one and thank god I've survived this and it's over . Rant over ((((: I can't thank you enough Cam for your constant support and wish you every joy in your recovery Millie x | ||
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Posts: 165
Joined: February 17, 2015
Posted: March 23, 2015, 7:41 PM
Hi Milliemac,
There will be ups and downs, there is no doubt about this. The journey and the pathway is your focus though. Little speed bumps are normal, and that is the same in all aspects of our lives. The fact that you are experiencing them is a good thing, as it teaches us and helps us to learn more about ourselves and how we handle things. I know your significant other is concerned, and perhaps he is not completely aware of the elements of addiction and recovery and this can make it difficult sometimes for those close to us to understand. I would encourage him to do some reading up on the process, it will help him learn about the challenges and what his role can be in the process. That's great that your close to another reduction in your taper. I realise your taper is incredibly conservative which is both good and bad. Don't feel that you cannot re-discuss the taper with the specialist or your doctor to determine how it is going and whether you may be able to increase the reducing process. For example, with the appropriate consultation, you may be able to reduce a pill every 3-5 days, instead of every 7. Remember there are no rules here, it is what is best for you and what works for you. If your body and mind can handle a slightly quicker taper, than consider this possibility if appropriate. Nothing is set in stone and sometimes trial and error with these things is warranted. Regarding the pills and your thinking patterns, this will improve over time definitely. Of course you still think of them as you are going through the taper process, that is completely normal. As you reduce and reduce and get closer to your goal, you will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel is truly brighter and whiter than ever before. Start visualising the finish line and the beginning of your recovery without the pills. Think about the freedom, the empowerment it will give you and your partner. Keep that focus on a daily basis as you walk towards your recovery and continue the journey. In the end, this is only one small aspect of your life. It does not define who we are, and it is not all we are - we are much more than our addiction and your new lifestyle changes made over time will show you that is true. As always - Stay strong, Stay Calm, Stay Vigilant! Cheers, Cam. | ||
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Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 24, 2015, 3:16 AM
Hi Cam
I had a long think last nite . I completely agree this taper is very conservative. I did a lot if research before I started it and the guy has over 20 years experience and about 80% success rate IF you follow the plan. It very tempting to 'get it over with ' and begin to rush through it . However , if I'm completely honest I was kinda backed into a corner initially . By that I mean deep down I wanted help but trying to get the pills with my husbands suspicions so high would have been near impossible . So I had little choice but to admit I had a problem , albeit I'm proud that I was honest about the extent of it. My hubby thought I was taking 4-5 pills a day . Again being honest , I've always suffered from depression / anxiety and although taking 30/40 pills a day numbed this in some ways . It never really went away so it's nothing new to me. I know my thoughts are all over the place with this taper but I suppose the one thing that I know for sure to be true is that so far it's working and I am managing to do this with no impact on daily life with my gorgeous girl . So .... My plan ( for today ) is to stay focused and keep following it . When I look at the end of the plan where it's 0, 1, 0 etc for the last week I think to myself why would you even bother taking such a small amount . I'll place my trust in the fact this guy knows what he's doing and more importantly I'll keep praying . I'll envisage myself on here , telling everyone this taper was a success and give others hope that there is another way to beat this. I've had a look on calmsupport and freefromhell.com but I can't see your blogs Cam, only general topics from Ryan . Perhaps you could send me another link ? I used the one before but couldn't see any from you and I'd really like to read them . Your advice is my first read every morning Cam , it's a good positive start to my day (: Millie xxx | ||
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Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 25, 2015, 3:46 AM
Another day done ...down to 17 now . Wasn't the best day yesterday but that was due to outside stresses and being very busy , really don't think it was anything to do with taking one pill less. It is a struggle not having a huge amount of pills to grab when I feel stressed but I guess I'll need to get used to it . I honestly don't know if this taper plan is what works best and there are a lot of cases on here where taper wasn't successful ): But I know I can't go back ... It scares me sooooo much when I read how people get clean and then find themselves back on the pills but taking even more than they were before. I can completely understand how this could happen . The guilt of failing would be another reason to 'numb' everything out . I'm still having really bad mood swings , although not as bad as the first week. I originally read through some post on here in December and it scared me so much . But I someone managed again to block what I was doing out and continued to take the pills . Sometime I feel kinda stupid writing on here every day but it helps me focus and the support has been great . Although my hubby knows about my addiction , I like the fact I can share my thoughts 'privately ' . Any advice, as always , warmly received . Love Mille. | ||
Posts: 30
Joined: March 25, 2015
Posted: March 25, 2015, 7:51 AM
Well done to everyone on their battle with your recoveries! My addiction is Nurofen plus. I started taking them about 3 and a half years ago, I had just started taking anti-d's and took some N+ for pain relief, but found they made me feel calm and content, so I stopped taking the anti depressant and started regularly using N+. Just 4 a day at the start, but very quickly went to 6, then 9, then 12. I carried on like this for more than 2 years, til I became so lethargic and no motivation, then I gave up work. A few weeks after I gave up work, I decided to come clean to my mam and dad and with their help I tried cold turkey. To me, it was extremely hard, flu like symptoms, no sleep, diarrhea, crying fits, complete insomnia, headaches and nausea, but worst of all was the low mood! It got a bit better after a full week in bed, then on day 9 I caved and went back on them, I didn't tell anyone though!
I have continued to take 12 sometimes 15 a day ever since. The guilt and shame was eating me up and I've been full of fear and anxiety that I'm going to kill myself and leave my beautiful 6 yr old daughter without a mother. I knew something had to give, so I went to see my doctor yesterday and told her everything, she was very supportive and has come up with a plan to do a slow taper. Cutting down one tab a week for 12 weeks starting from today. I've also told my family, who are incredibly supportive. I'm not sure if the taper will work, it seems so little to cut and slowly to cut down, than I'm afraid that I'll throw in the towel half way through and go back to my full dirty little secret addiction. I know my intake isn't as high as most of you guys, but nonetheless, this horrible addiction is controlling and ruining my life, and my bond with my daughter. I'm hoping all you brave guys can give me some inspiration and strength along this tough journey and hoping we can all help and lean on each other xx | ||
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Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 25, 2015, 4:39 PM
Hi RORo,
Your taper is a similar pace to mine....I'm on week 3 and I have stuck to it so far. I feel , for me anyway , it's the physiological part that's the hardest. I'm going that by doing it this way I will be mentally ready for life without pills . Like you , I have a daughter who is my world but continued to risk leaving her due to my addiction without a mum. I am really pleased you decided to share your journey and it would be great to hear from you daily so we can help each other ! After reading other posts I too thought my addiction compared to some wasn't that bad. I was taking 30/40 pills a day . But those pills have a hold on you whether it's 12 or 100- they take over your life )): Let's do this together - you'll get there a lot quicker than me. My end date isn't till July but on day at a time . Imagine how good we will free bringing in 2016 with this behind us (((: Lots of love Mille Ps Cam , I hope your doing ok ? I missed your post today xxx | ||
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Posts: 165
Joined: February 17, 2015
Posted: March 25, 2015, 8:31 PM
Hi Milliemac/Roro, | ||
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Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 26, 2015, 3:52 AM
Hi Cam
I was so relieved to see a post from you today - I was worried about you . Sorry if I'm putting you under pressure . I completely understand life goes on and you'll have plenty of things to do , other than respond to me (((: Without going into too much detail ( guess I'm a bit worried someone I know May read my post and recognise me ). My hubby is now laid up and on codeine sulphate for pain. He's been helping me out ESP on my low days. Good news I'm not tempted to go near the pills and mess up my taper (: Roro, regarding my taper . My husband keeps a check on the pills , so although I have daily access to them, he would know if I took more than I should. I've also agreed to always use a card for transactions so again he would know if I went to a chemist . I believe being accountable to him has really made me stick to this taper. I've tried on my own many times and I always ended up failing. If you have someone who can take control for you , let them. I know that it's down to me and if I really wanted to cheat believe me I would find a way ! The other thing I've been doing is taking a lot of vitamins and supplements - and eating well. This has helped a lot with the fatigue. The first week when I halved my intake I could hardly move. I'll read your blog later this morning Cam ... And YOU should be sooo proud on your 40+ days that's some achievement xxx | ||
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Posts: 165
Joined: February 17, 2015
Posted: March 26, 2015, 4:54 AM
Hi Milliemac,
Don't be worried, and of course not, no pressure. This process of posting is as much as helpful for you as it is for me during my own recovery, so thank you. I truly believe the more we share and open ourselves up during our recovery journey the better people we can become and potentially - the better chance we have with staying clean and sober. Remember, if you Millie or Roro need to chat to someone you can email me - I get notifications on my phone, so it is likely I can respond a lot faster to an email if you need a sounding board for anything. Having said that, I do try and check this forum every few hours to see if there has been updates and then do try and respond accordingly. I know I have said this previously, but for both of your sake's, this time in your early recovery you need to be selfish - to yourself as much as you can. Of course, you need to do your best to manage your responsibilities and obviously care for your children however everything else must be focused and centred on your recovery. You need to come first, before friends and some members of your family if they are independent and not dependent on yourself. This is your time, and without being too dramatic - it could be your last chance to make a change in your life, an everlasting positive change. Another tip, at least this helps for me. I know that I still have to go into chemists here and there, to buy vitamins, supplements and sometimes other medications etc. When I go into chemists and see the pain pills behind the counters (Nurofen Plus etc) I visualise those pills as being "literally poison". I've been doing this over the past month ,each time I go into a chemist and it has truly helped me to detach myself from the pills. Some still may see the pills as attractive or they fantasize about the pills, this technique has truly made it possible for me to create a barrier, a mental wall between those addictive pills and myself. I hope this helps, these are some of the things I have picked up in my own recovery and may also help you. I have more tips and advice, and will try to disseminate tips and advice each post. As always - Stay strong, Stay Calm, Stay Vigilant! Cheers, Cam. This post has been edited by moderator on March 26, 2015, 4:12 PM | ||
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