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Posts: 42
Joined: February 22, 2015
Posted: February 22, 2015, 2:40 AM
I have been using opiates on and off for the past 7 years. Wow.. I can't believe it's been that long. My longest clean time is one year. I started with Vicodin when I was 22. I am now 29. I would buy 100 5mg pills for 100 dollars once a month. I always had a handful of Vicodin in my pocket. I had no idea how this would become the biggest nightmare of my life. My first withdrawal was so easy. I didn't even know I was going through withdrawal. I had no idea there was even such a thing! I remember now.. Looking back.. Suffering from restless leg syndrome. I had no idea this was opiate related. Getting "clean" was easy. Staying clean was easy. I spent one year in nursing school. It didn't take much time after graduating nursing school and passing my boards before I would start up again. I worked with narcotics. I liked being high. And I still had no idea how terrible w/d's would be. Throughout my dirty time I have had highs and lows. Bouts of clean time. Bouts of relapse time. At my heaviest use I was using 150mg per day of oxycodone. I have always been able to kick. Why is this time so hard? I decided about a year ago I was going to kick. A friend of mine gave me Suboxone. I cut the strip into a 14 day taper plan.. Except.. I never stopped. Some days I would use 2mg. Other days I would only use 0.25.. I was on a very small dose (0.25mg or less) for quite a few months before kicking. After reading what a nightmare Sub w/d's are and also experiencing some of them for myself.. I decided to do it diff this time. I would use a small dose of Oxycontin for a month after using Subs.. To help with the w/d process. Throughout the last 2 weeks before kicking all opiates I was always in a sl/ w/d. Just enough to function.. I have to work. No way around it. It has been 72+ hours since my last dose of MS Contin. 7.5mg. For the week previous to kicking I was using MS Contin every other day. I was exposed to the flu virus this year. I may or may not have the flu. I have every symptom imaginable. Every one of my systems is failing and I cannot sleep. I haven't slept more than 4 hours in the past 2 weeks. When is this going to end? I need to head back to work. Parts of me wants to use just to alleviate symptoms. The other part of me says this is a perfect opportunity to get clean. Flu season! I know I have to just tough it out.. I am just having a hard time understanding Sub w/d. And I am not sure if I actually do have the flu! My temp at its highest was 101.2 . I have been febrile on/off (mostly on) for the past 48 hours. I have all GI symptoms. Diarrhea. N/V. On top of the flu like symptoms. Chills and body aches. I have been sneezing in sets of 3. I also started with a cough that led to a sore throat. I have a headache and my ear is starting to fill with fluid creating even more pain. I am averaging 6-8 showers a day. It is the only place I feel somewhat comfortable. I feel so helpless.. I am wondering if I should go to my local hospital for fluids and an antiemetic. I wonder if I do actually have the flu and my w/d's are just happening as well. Amplifying. The thing toward the end I was using every other day and I wasn't nearly as sick. I felt like I would die waking up Fri AM when my last dose was Wed night. I have no support. I have been lying to everyone.. Or am I?
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Posts: 42
Joined: February 22, 2015
Posted: February 22, 2015, 8:09 AM
I slept! What a relief that was. I woke up today and there is little to no pain left in my joints.. Thank God! I have been up about a half hour and have gotten goosebumps once, but it doesn't help that it's extremely cold out. Nasal congestion, sore throat, and earache are all still present. N/V are gone. Today is going to be a good day. ODAAT. I'm ready to start my new life.. Again.. And I'm ready to be the wonderful GF my future wife deserves, and the caring step mother, and role model, her daughter deserves. Besides myself, they are some of the two biggest reasons I yearn for this clean time. My GF knows about my addiction in the past, but unfortunately I faced a relapse days before meeting her and was too embarrassed to tell her.. She doesn't even know what I am like fully sober. Good news for me, she's going to love me even more. Psychologically I'm going to be Ok. I have no desire to use. None. I crave this sober life. This time I'm doing it differently, though. I plan on reaching out to a friend of mine who I had considered dead from long term heroin use (I never went that route) and try to get into some NA meetings. I owe that to myself. I also want to share my story. I owe that to myself and to others. Like so many of you, the viscous cycle continued because I had to maintain my lifestyle.. Great job.. Wonderful GF and co parent, loving friend, spitfire nurse.. I'm ready to do all that sober. First time reaching out here. And I'm ready to take it to the streets. Maybe I'll go back into the in patient detox and help people there. One day at a time.. About to bump Macklemore and get myself together. I will see light today as a sober woman! I'm praying my anxiety doesn't act up, though if it does, I've managed to stash a couple of Valiums. Is anybody out there??
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Posts: 674
Joined: August 17, 2014
Posted: February 22, 2015, 8:52 AM
Hi Armynurse- welcome- you have come to a good place for support- some really great people here and most of us have been where you are- your symptoms sound familliar- i quit pain pills last september -felt like i had the worse dose of flu ever for about a week- well done on getting clean-it will get better-day by day-reaching out for support is important-i found this site a great help when i was struggling early on(i still get bad days) take it one day at a time (cliche, but true) it wont all be great days-but the good days will soon outnumber the bad ones-again well done on quitting- keep posting and reaching out for support-stay strong-best of luck -
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Posts: 42
Joined: February 22, 2015
Posted: February 22, 2015, 9:11 AM
Thank you, T-man! I was starting to feel alone on the site.. There's someone out there! Lol. As my name suggests, as an addict, I couldn't have picked the worst two professions. I'm hoping St. Anthony will come through, and the big man upstairs will answer my prayers. Maybe I can get another Nursing job in the detox setting.. I'd like to work the steps with clients.. Think it'd be good for my recovery. Not-for-nothin', but I think with the amount of opiate related deaths (especially in my state), the state should put a program into place to help people like me. Maybe a stipend for money to pay bills during the w/d process. Having to work has been one of the huge reasons it's taken this long to get clean. I'd love to stay clean.. And just for today, I will. Thank you for your reply. ODAAT.
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Posts: 674
Joined: August 17, 2014
Posted: February 22, 2015, 10:35 AM
hey ARMYNURSE, there is no reason why you cant stay clean-certainly working with other addicts might be good for your own recovery- stay clean for today-control what you can control and let tommorow worry about itself, it will be here soon enough-
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Posted: February 22, 2015, 7:34 PM
Army... your life is almost identical to mine. Career, girlfriend, drug usage from beginning to end. Only difference is that you're brave enough to get clean, I haven't mustered up the courage yet. Keep us posted. Maybe there is hope for me too.
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Posts: 42
Joined: February 22, 2015
Posted: February 23, 2015, 9:30 AM
Good morning, dreams. And welcome! Most of my physical w/d's have subsided, and yesterday was my first productive day. I kept myself very busy and listened to Macklemore's album entirely through twice. If you don't know about it, you should def YouTube some of his music. It has proved vital through recovery. If you're interested, start with "Otherside". His music has touched my soul tremendously. It also helped that here in New England there is snow everywhere, and when I had some down time, I broke out the shovel and put in some physical work. I slept like a baby last night.. I truly needed that sleep. It had been weeks since I had a sound sleep and I feel pretty good. I downloaded an app on my phone that counts my sober time, and today is day number 5. One day at a time. I encourage that you take some time off work if at all possible, and start your journey. It is the perfect time to do it.. Flu season. I have found that as I get older, my w/d's are getting more severe with each relapse, and I honestly never thought I'd be here. I had tried to kick the Subs previous to this, but relapsed on day 4. The OxyContin def helped to pull that w/d down to a minimum time. And strong will. And the shower. And clear liquids. And someone at the ready to talk me up when the w/d's started back up and I just needed someone to talk to. She has proved to be a vital part of my recovery thusfar. Sometimes it's great to hear how "brave" I am when I don't feel brave at all, and talking keeps your mind off of the minor w/d's that may have otherwise forced me to relapse. One day at a time. I would love to help you on your journey. Please join me. We can do this together. I hope you have a great Monday, and that my story has inspired you enough to just take that last step of reclaiming your life before the drug leaves a permanent mark. I would be happy to help you taper and through the w/d's. I've become very good at w/d, but not good enough to want to try it again! Keep the faith, and good day. Godspeed!
This post has been edited by ARMYNURSE on February 23, 2015, 9:35 AM | ||
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Posted: February 25, 2015, 4:09 AM
I am researching the best way to get clean. An at home detox with maybe the help of elimidrol or withdrawal ease seems to be effective. I love music so I will definitely check out your music selections. I can't thank you enough for wanting to be with me through out my journey. And likewise I am very proud of you. You deserve the good stuff in life. We deserve the good stuff in life. Let me get my ducks in a row, and I will let you know when I'm ready, and when day one will begin. I definitely need to plan. I'm anxious just thinking about it. Take care of yourself and we will talk soon. Happy for you and being clean as a bean!!
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Posts: 42
Joined: February 22, 2015
Posted: February 25, 2015, 10:55 AM
Today I am still clean. Today. And only for today. I will not use. One day at a time. It is rounding the middle of day six.. 10A and I have been up early every day since kicking. Anxiety is through the roof.. So excited for you! I used Benadryl. Tylenol. That is all. Valium helps the restless legs. The excruciating sickness.. Showers. My blow dryer (to eliminate chills) and a good support system. I was laid up for a couple days before I was able to start back on my journey. Today is going to be a good day. Today I am an addict in control of her disease. Today. And only for today. I do not have to drug seek. I do not have to hide. Today and for only today I am proud of my achievements and invite you on my journey with me. Good day dreams!
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Posts: 674
Joined: August 17, 2014
Posted: February 25, 2015, 1:43 PM
Hey Dream - dont wait till you think you have all your ducks in a row- they have a habit of flying away- go for it- you can do this- reach out here for support and use whatever else you need -to get clean - go for it- ............. Hey ArmyNurse sounds like you are doing ok today - glad to hear it - you should be proud of yourself- keep posting - stay clean - best of luck -
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Posts: 42
Joined: February 22, 2015
Posted: February 25, 2015, 5:50 PM
I have such a feeling of "impending doom". You know that feeling you get in your chest? Anxiety. Sweats. That has been me the entire day. I want to use in the worst way... One day at a time. Ugh.
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Posted: February 25, 2015, 11:59 PM
Army Nurse , Congrats on ridding yourself of the ball and chain the medical profession call PAIN MEDICATION . 212 days clean after several years of addiction and nearly loosing everything and I mean everything including my life . But I didn't and I'm slowly getting my life back ODAAT. You got it . This is a great site full of great advise . Maybe it's enough for some people and if it is going to keep you clean than God bless , if you find its not working alone seek out AA or NA it has saved my life and thousands of others . Best of luck and keep fighting it's not going to be easy but it'll be worth it
Best Regards Gus V | ||
Posts: 22
Joined: February 25, 2015
Posted: February 26, 2015, 2:25 AM
Hey Armynurse this is my third day here but I wanted to let you know just hold the course these feelings will pass. When I was in rehab and I got nothing to help with my withdrawls from opiets. After about the 5th day I felt better. Find something todo to take your mind off those agonizing feelings , anything. I went to classes because I said I can be miserable in my room or I can be miserable learning skills to fight for my sobriety. Army you will win just hang out here It seems like a awesome place
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Posts: 674
Joined: August 17, 2014
Posted: February 26, 2015, 8:57 AM
Hi Army N ... hang in there it will get better, i know its easier said than done, the anxiety in early recovery can be a real threat..... realise what it is and name it for what it is- an irational fear,, caused by our disease..... it will use any trick to get you to take that first pill..... DO NOT USE TODAY... tommorow will look after itself ... you can beat this ... stay strong-stay clean - keep posting -
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Posts: 42
Joined: February 22, 2015
Posted: February 26, 2015, 10:04 AM
Last night was my first night back to work since detox. I am a traveling nurse.. Which served me well while using, for one reason - nobody ever got to know my baseline, so on bad days, it wouldn't be as "obvious" to someone who barely knew me. There were many opportunities to pinch narcotics, there always are, and more so at night when you are entirely alone. I found myself really having a hard time not giving into that temptation, and the only thought that kept me clean is that I really NEED this clean time. I will not be able to do the things I yearn to do, using. I'm anxious and slowly getting depressed.. I guess it didn't take long. Thank you all for your kind words. Today, and only for today, I will not use. Today I have been sober for one week. Back to work tonight.. Hanging by a thread. This part is worse than the physical w/d.. Ones mind can be a scary place. Especially an addicts. Peace and love. One day at a time...
Tiffany | ||
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Posts: 674
Joined: August 17, 2014
Posted: February 26, 2015, 12:10 PM
hi , Tiffany , your right our minds are the last place where we want to spend any time -i had terrible anxiety and deppression when i quit last september- i put it down to PAWS- it was bad but did pass - slowly it got better- you gotta get through this next few days-hang in there-use what ever works for you - keep posting - you can do this- keep your mind on the prize - free from this c...p - we are all rooting for you - stay strong -
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Posted: February 26, 2015, 2:30 PM
I have read your story and feel it need to respond. I am 31 and started using at 20 I have been clean since last October 21 2013 I still from time to time will visit this site to remind me of who I was than and who I am now. I know that there is a lot of ups and downs being sober. Keep strong and I promise it will get easier, we never forget but we try to learn from our mistakes. I wish you well and hope you stay strong.
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Posts: 42
Joined: February 22, 2015
Posted: February 26, 2015, 3:35 PM
Thank you, T-man! Thank you, Mrs. Clean. Y'all have been so wonderful. Today my anxiety seems to have let up a bit, so for that I am grateful. I've had some rebound pain, especially in my neck where it was previously sprained years ago during a hospitalization. I was able to take a Flexiril and alleviate some of that pain, as other medications (Ibuprofen and Tylenol) only eat away at my stomach. I'm extremely tired, as I've only slept 4 hours, but w/d really doesn't have much to do with the lack of sleep.. More there is just a sheer exhaustion that comes along with early sobriety as I'm sure y'all know. I have read the first 90 days of recovery are the worst. Previously I have substituted one drug for another (usually alcohol), but I've found my success rate is non existent when that is done. I really need to look into some NA meetings, as I think sharing my story may help me feel more like I'm not alone, though you all have been wonderful. Tonight is another work night, and the struggle to hold onto my identity as a nurse, and maintain my sobriety is proving to be hard. It is very easy to divert medication from the med cart, as some of you may be aware, and in the past this is normally how I relapse. "I can take just one". This time I was sicker than I've ever been during w/d, even running a temp through most of the first couple days. I think for me that was a true eye opener as to what I've done to my body after so many years of using. My girlfriend and I have been arguing, and though it's not her fault, sometimes I just wish she knew my struggles. Macklemore's chorus in "Neon Cathedral" is resonating with me today.. Especially the line, "underneath this precious frame lives a battle between pride and shame". I've heard it does get easier, but I've almost forgot what sobriety feels like. ODAAT. I will maintain my sobriety. Thank you all for the kind words, and I hope everyone is enjoying their day. Whether it's day 7 or day 212, it's a good day to be sober. This I do know!
This post has been edited by ARMYNURSE on February 26, 2015, 3:38 PM | ||
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Posts: 42
Joined: February 22, 2015
Posted: February 26, 2015, 3:44 PM
I have seen this number over and over since day one of recovery. I believe in the universe, numerology, and astrology. Karma. Hopefully this means I will continue on the uprise.. ODAAT.
ANGEL NUMBER 212 Number 212 is made up of the influences and attributes of the numbers 2 and 1, with number 2 appearing twice, intensifying its energies. Number 2 lends its vibrations of duality, balance and adaptability, diplomacy and co-operation, relationships and partnerships, faith and trust and your Divine life purpose and soul mission. It is also the number of partnerships, love and family. Number 1 carries the energy of striving forward and pursuing goals, and promotes changes, new beginnings and ventures, ambition and tenacity, self-leadership and assertiveness, initiative, instinct and intuition. Number 1 also relates to creating our own realities by our thoughts, beliefs and actions. Angel Number 212 is a message that your angels are sending you guidance and assistance. Listen to your intuition and have faith in yourself and your ideas and beliefs. The more you believe that all turns out well, the more that turns out well. When the Angel Number 212 appears it may be telling you to look to different ways to enhance your home, garden and surrounds. This includes matters within the house and family arena. Use the art of Feng Shui to usher more positive energies into your life and your environment. The angels encourage you to surround yourself with love and gaiety. The repeating Angel Number 212 tells you to ensure that what you put out to the Universe is of a positive nature. You are asked to stay on a positive path and use your natural skills, talents and abilities to their utmost for the benefit of yourself and others. The actions you take will serve as an example for others to follow. | ||
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Posts: 22
Joined: February 25, 2015
Posted: February 28, 2015, 3:27 AM
Hi tiffany when I was in rehab they pounded appoint home "try to make 90 meetings in 90 days I don't know if that's realistic for you I made 89 and I feel it laid the foundation for a succesfull recovery . Don't know if this helps also know you are NEVER ALONE in a short time Ive seen that this place is full of hope and help
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