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Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: March 23, 2018, 7:48 PM
Well has been awhile since I posted but the same scenario has happened once again! My 47 year old addicted son showed up on my front porch while we were away at our daughter's babysitting grandkids while she had surgery.
The dog sitter didn't know what to do with him and couldn't reach me as we were in a no phone service area. He let him sleep on the porch and gave my son a sandwich as he said he had walked 45 miles and took two days to get to our house and he hadn't eaten in 2 days or showered in 2 weeks. He had huge blisters on his feet and his two chihuahua dogs with him. they have fleas and have dug themselves raw! He finally reached me and I told him we would be home the next morning and to tell my son. When we arrived home he was waiting on the front porch. He had slept there in 45 degree weather with only a light coat except the dog sitter gave him a blanket. He said he couldn't go back to the leaking RV he was living in and the lady who owned the property it was on forbid him back. He said someone had stolen his phone and batteries out of the RV. We have heard these same scenes many times and always someone is ripping him off! We drove him back to the RV and he got two huge garbage bags of clothes and tattoo equipment and his papers and receipts. We said where do you want us to drop you off and he said he had nowhere to go and knew no one to call. After driving around he said just take me to this dojo house where they do drugs cause it is better than living in the woods. We stopped by this sleezy house and they said he couldn't stay there cause they were being watched and probably would get busted soon. Then after much driving he was becoming agitated and cussing at us. My husband said take him to a motel for one night only cause I want him out of our car and it was getting late. We did that and he didn't even thank us! This morning I have had 23 phone calls from him. He wants us to bankroll him once again. We will not! He said he will be sleeping in the park and it's cold out! I had previously offered to find a foster home or adoptive home for his two dogs so he could go to the salvation army for help. He refused and then this morning left a message that he would do it and he was sobbing. Said his dogs are his life and they keep him clean! He thought we could get the dogs a foster home in one day and I explained it could take weeks to find one. He wanted us to loan him money for a place and said he would get an income tax return and pay us back when it came. First off he only worked 4 months and won't get a refund. We said no. It is now night and he has called another 14 times. I have shut my phone off. I am so sad and depressed! I refuse to do any more than we have done which is way too much! I don't know what more can be done and I think he is not rehabilitatable. He has no future and has even said he would be better off dead. I have cried more tears than I ever thought possible and I can't even cry anymore. I am exhausted mentally! Lori | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: March 23, 2018, 8:42 PM
Hi Lori - so sorry to hear your son is in sad shape. It is heartbreaking. I know the situation is complicated and you have been thru so much and done so much that has not worked. I understand you don't want to throw more $$ at the situation. it just goes on and on.
about the dogs - I am surprised he has been able to keep them alive and safe for all of this time - although in rough condition... Sorry I do not have advice other than what you have already said. find foster care for the dogs and your son go to Salvation Army, and get into what ever amount of social services that is available to him. its really his only choice. he needs to see that he is disabled and can not work and needs to do what other disabled people do in order to have food and shelter. here's a few hugs for you: OxOxOxO | ||
Posts: 243
Joined: August 18, 2016
Posted: March 23, 2018, 10:43 PM
Hi, Lori! I saw your post and had to reply. You have been through a ton with your son, I know.
I have a few suggestions..remember, these are just suggestions. They are based on my own path to recovery and some new insights I have gained along the way. Your son is still up to his old tricks, but you have to stay strong. I understand that your husband got him a hotel room for one night to get him out of the car so he wouldn't have to listen to him cursing, but even that small thing is going to set back the enabling clock. He has proven to himself, once again, if he screams long and loud enough, someone will do what he wants. After having nowhere to sleep or shower, you bet your booty he was doing a happy dance in his head. If the situation were to arise again, I would suggest, pulling the car over to the side of the road and letting him out. Once he disrespects you in ANY way, ALL BETS ARE OFF!!! It doesn't matter where you let him out. He is a grown up and can figure out how to get somewhere! He managed to walk 45 miles to you so am sure he could handle a mile or two if he was tossed out on the side of the road. If he would refuse to get out, take the keys, get out of the car and call the police for his removal. He needs to know that the minute he disrespects you, he gets NOTHING! This time, his behavior got him a free room. The number one rule in enabling (and coincidentally raising small children), is never reward bad behavior! I understand the dogs are a problem, but it is not up to you to find a foster hoe for them. He owns them and it is his responsibility. I personally would call your local ASPCA or animal control and report the condition of these dogs. They are, in fact, being neglected. They are flea infested with horrible skin condition, not eating regularly (one can only assume) and have not had any veterinary care or shots. The ASPCA will remove them for their own welfare and will find them good homes. Do not take on his doggy drama. It is just another excuse he uses for not doing what he should be doing. It is VERY telling that absolutely no one will let him stay. Usually , addicts take care of other addicts. We are notorious for sofa surfing at each other's places, borrowing cars to go on dope runs, sharing food etc. The fact that even his "using friends" won't let him stay means they have had enough of his abusive behavior, too! I can't imagine how hard all of this is on you, but please try to untangle yourself from this mess he has brought to your front porch. You deserve to live in peace! It might be a good idea to tell him that getting him the room was a knee jerk reaction and a mistake nd that the next time this scenario plays out, it will play out with him getting tossed out of the car by you or the police! I know it is hard, but stay strong! I know if my family hadn't stopped enabling me in my addiction, I would either be dead, or very close to it. Instead of coming up on five years of recovery, I would still be using, trampling over everyone's boundaries, demanding and getting my own way by throwing tantrums of gargantuan magnitude and basically making everyone's life a living hell. Their tough line in the sand really helped me to see what I was doing and how I was causing my own issues. Hopefully, if you continue to stick to your bottom line, there will be progress. Even if recovery always alludes him, it will allow you to no longer be the victim of his verbal abuse (yes, he absolutely is abusing you!) and you won't have to live in his drama. Remember what Con always says..his monkey, his circus! It's up to you not to buy a ticket and sit in the front row! Keep the faith! I am pulling for you all and sending all the positive vibes I can muster (and that is a LOT of vibes! lol) This post has been edited by lolleedee on March 23, 2018, 10:47 PM | ||
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Posted: March 24, 2018, 2:39 PM
Lori...Is it hard to change your phone number? Or to block his number?
I recently TOTALLY disconnected from my son as I believe that I deserve better than the c*** he kept shoveling my way, plus everytime my phone went off my heart would sink thinking it might be him. Yes, it sounds/is cold but I believe emotional enabling (always being there as a shoulder to cry on) can be just as bad as financial enablement. | ||
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Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: March 24, 2018, 7:17 PM
Yes-- Rich I agree and I will block him on my phone. He called 23 times last night. I didn't answer. Still tugs at your heartstrings when your phone rings and you see it is them. Apparently, he is getting desperate and has even contacted an old gf he lived with for three years. She is not a drug addict. She has not answered him as he assaulted her father when they split and hit him knocking him down.
He also even went to the parents of this gf home and asked them to take his dogs--one is sick. They refused as they don't want him to have any future contacts. He left on foot, but yesterday he showed up with two guys in a car at an old friends house. That person made him leave the property and said he was high on meth! I did not see that when I had him in my car so don't know if they can go in and out of behavior patterns on meth? I just wish he would take the dogs to Humane Society and go to get help at Salvation Army or other programs. That is what I am praying for! I agree with lolleedee advice and as usual she is right on target! I am so glad you responded and laid out that plan. You help me soooo much lollee! If he shows up here again I will call the police. Hard part is seeing him this way and realizing he may never reach his rock bottom. All I know is I have seen his rock bottom so many times and thought this was it --only to find out he continued on the same destructive life path! God help us!!! Lori | ||
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Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: March 25, 2018, 3:28 PM
My daughter got a phone call from my son saying his chihuahua was hit by a car. He can't reach me and I am sure he wants us to take them to the vet and pay the bills. I don't know how bad the dog is but, he is in this situation because of his bad choices re: the dogs and himself.
I am not even sure he is telling the truth and not just trying to get me to come over and pick him up. He told his ex GF parents that the one chihuahua was sick before the call that she was hit by a car. As much as it is killing me I am not going to respond. I pray that little dog is ok and can get taken to a shelter after the vet helps her so she can get adopted! Maybe then my son will go to get help for himself! Man-- I am really hurting with all this and can't sleep. I must stay strong and maybe he will finally figure it out without parents to the rescue! Lori | ||
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Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: March 25, 2018, 6:30 PM
Rich--
What are your plans if he shows up at your front door? Everyone says to call police if he won't leave??? What if they say they want to go to rehab or to Salvation Army and get help? Should we take them there? I don't think my son will since last time he walked so far to get here and didn't get what he thought which was to be put up in motel for while and given money. I think he will blame us for the dog getting hit or being sick as well. He is never responsible--however the dog wouldn't have been in that position had my son done what he needed to do regarding the dogs. Advice?? Lori | ||
Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016
Posted: March 25, 2018, 9:28 PM
Lori, again I am amazed at how alike our situations are. I have called the police when our son has shown up unexpected. They actually took our son to a shelter once. I don’t think that happens often. Another time he was arrested with his animals and they took them to a shelter.
It makes me so sad to hear what is going on with you. It is hard not to help them because their living conditions are so terrible. Mine finally remembered my email address after not hearing from him in 6+ months. His phone broke at some point. No job and living on the street. Has been sick and injured multiple times. Walked an unbelievable amount of miles from one town to other towns in the area. In jail for minor things. The stories are hard to believe but I know his life isn’t good. He is begging for money because he is hungry and needs for us to help him get into a place to live or wants to live with us. Can’t stay in the shelters anymore but not sure why. Starts out saying he is concerned about how we are but ends up wanting money and help. I had to laugh, he wanted my new phone number so he could call in case he went to jail and needs for me to call his job ... the one he doesn’t have! Of course that is a collect call from jail we would have to pay for. I am hoping our son doesn’t show up at our door. I understand it is so hard to stay strong and be objective. Especially when they are so desperate. I don’t understand how they can get help if the only people that will be around them are other drug addicts. Mine has lost most of his friends. My first thought is to remove them from that influence but then they get comfortable and go right back to using again. Vicious circle and nothing seems to get better. We just get poorer the more money we throw at their problems. I wish I had advice but I have to force myself to watch and do nothing. I stay awake many nights alone with my thoughts and have cried a million years. Right there with ya’ sister! ☹️ - You get them in your car and then you are stuck. I try to avoid opportunities for them to get inside. - I have found that they are rarely just trying to manipulate you and no one else. They are usually working on several people at once. Usually family and friends .. just hoping someone gives in. - They always swear they have been sober for ‘x’ amount of time which is usually a completely impossible time period and you know it to be untrue. - When they tell you one falsehood it is hard to believe anything else they say. Everything sounds true or possible but your mind is crying BS! - They blame us for everything no matter what we do. Do a little and they only want more. This post has been edited by BugginMe on March 25, 2018, 9:48 PM -------------------- BUGS | ||
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Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: March 26, 2018, 4:39 PM
Thanks for all the feedback and support! I so rely on my cyber friends to help me survive these crises!
It always helps to talk to people who have walked the walk and understand the things we endure! Today has been quiet--no phone calls so far. I have been praying for my son to figure out what to do to change his life and for peace of mind for us. No word on the dog getting hit and her condition. I hope she is ok. Hugs to all! Lori | ||
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Posted: March 26, 2018, 9:26 PM
"Today has been quiet--no phone calls so far"
I kinda thought you said you blocked his number? If so, doesn't his calling still show up on your phone that he called? If so, I'd seriously consider totally changing your number for much greater peace of mind. It can be just as nerve-wracking to see that he called as much as if he had gotten thru. I know I got sick of being a slave to phone-fear so I changed my number...sounds cold, but I deserve a life too! | ||
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Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: March 27, 2018, 9:21 AM
Rich--
Yes-- he is blocked and it doesn't show up --I meant on my daughter's phone and I have told her not to answer him or tell me he called. I need some peace! Still, as a mom, I am always left wondering when he will show up again or if I will get that call no one wants! Can't turn off the worry button--don't know how to do that! Lori | ||
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Posted: March 27, 2018, 12:52 PM
"Can't turn off the worry button--don't know how to do that!"
I know what you mean...but you can ramp down the negative input What to do if he shows up on your door?...call the police to report a trespasser. As cold as it sounds jail might be the safest place for him. Before doing so you might want to visit your local police station and tell them your situation and ask them what your options are before calling them. At least knowing them will give you some peace of mind as to not get caught by surprise when they show. Also, I would start calling your local social services and start asking questions as to some of your options, find the local homeless shelter, the local rehab center...they frequently have some great resources. Unfortunately, HE needs to want them. There's power in knowledge and greater peace of mind. Still, jail might be the best place for him, at least he'll have a roof...and DON'T bail him out! | ||
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Posted: March 27, 2018, 1:02 PM
Don't enable until he is a changed man-literally. I've seen the "pity party" playout too many times. Adult children are like predators in which they frequently time a request after telling their stories of whoa or manufacturing urgency/emergency. The know what might trigger a parent emotionally or simply go straight to the 'weak' one.
By him listing his fears or saying/empasizing it's cold are nothing but attempts to drum up sympathy. Don't enable no matter how minor, temporary or benign the request is. Because those small requests can/will turn into big issues. Stay tough! | ||
Posts: 79
Joined: April 11, 2017
Posted: March 28, 2018, 8:51 AM
Hi Lori. (((Lori)))
I didn't ever want to call the police on my son, but before he went into rehab, he had been kicked out of 5 homes in 6 months and had nowhere left to turn. He hopped my back wall and set up camp in my back yard to use my wireless and outlets to charge his devices. I asked him to leave and when he would not, I called the police. He ended up being released and left. A few weeks later, he was arrested. I did not bail him out. I did not visit him. I did not hire a lawyer. He didn't call, but I would not have taken his calls. It was hard and I cried -- it was probably worse for me than it was for him. When he was released, he chose rehab over being homeless. It's painful because we hear about addicts hitting bottom, but sometimes we are certain they've hit their bottom, but they keep digging. You asked what if he wants to go to rehab or the Salvation Army? I can only speak for me, but I will support my son in seeking recovery. I will not be part of anything else (other than maybe to tell him about homeless resources). Take care of yourself. Wishing you peace and strength. | ||
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Posted: April 22, 2018, 4:42 AM
Lori, so sorry to hear about your situation. I am at a cross roads myself with our own son who has now chosen to live on the streets. Part of me hates him for what he has done to himself, his children and of course us as his parents but the father in me refuses to abandon him completely.
You have lived this far longer than we have but for what its worth i think we all owe it to ourselves to try and live our own lives as best we can. None of us chose or caused this so we should live our lives guilt free as much as our parental instincts will allow us. The sad fact is that until we discover the antidote medication - and we will one day - then we have to accept that whatever else we try and do for them is not going to work unless they chose it and this substance does all it can to stop them from making that choice. | ||
Posts: 56
Joined: June 25, 2017
Posted: April 28, 2018, 6:49 PM
You should of de-fled the dogs feel bad for the dogs..sad all around.your son needs rehab sorry man I feel bad for them dogs.gezz
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Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: April 28, 2018, 8:39 PM
Jet....I just read your last post and what you wrote is so true. It was like reading what I was thinking. It’s sad for us parents watching our kids destroy the best years of their lives. In my case from teenage years into middle thirties now. Their looked on as outcasts from society and finding help for them when people treat them with disdain is so hard to accept. I’m sorry to read about your son Duchess. All I can say is God help him and the rest of our addicted to find their way out of this hell their in. I’m sure there will be a cure found but I wish it had been found already. So many years wasted and time has went by so quickly. I look back and it doesn’t seem like it’s been 18 yrs. Sometimes I think I must have been in a daze or in shock or something. But the years have flown in......does anyone else feel like the years have flown by? Take care all. Mary.
This post has been edited by Mandm on April 28, 2018, 8:40 PM | ||
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