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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: February 26, 2017, 11:06 AM
Lord I don't know where to turn. My son went into detox on Thursday because he's homeless he claims. He called last night we played the blame game and had our screaming match. We to sleep felling like a piece of crap. I offered to help him with a room so he don't have to stay in the shelter but he declined cause he said he will not be able to find work and don't want to hear about it when loses it once again. We tried this before and he lost it to using per him. He wants to live with me and that's not an option since I lost trust in him for stealing and lieing. I used to sleep with my bag hide things that I couldn't remember where I put it. I don't want to have to do that again. Laptops iPads can't carry with me all the time I used to. I just can't no more. Of cause he always says I didn't do anything for him. I'm so scared. He says he's gonna kill himself in one breath and then tell me don't care about or worry about me. I'll be fine. He has lost all respect for me a long time ago. Feels he should have the same rights as everyone else that follows all the rules. Please help someone help. I don't know where to turn. I work and need my job can't stay home and be his doctor. He just want to do what he wants. Lost confused scared not able to function at times. 😣
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Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: February 26, 2017, 12:00 PM
Dee--
Have you tired Naranon or Alanon? Sounds like you need their support ASAP! They can give you support to get you through these tought times and have a lot of members in very similar situations. If calls are a screaming match and just wear you down then you need to either shut off your phone and stop them or tell him that--"this conversation is over and I will not talk to you when you are verbally abusive"--then hang up. As long as he can make you feel guilty and wear you down, he will continue on this path. You cannot change him--only you! Time to make those changes if you want your life back. You are wise to hold strong on not letting him move back home. That will only be a repeat of before and a disaster! Praying for both of you! Parenting an addict is not easy and certainly not what we ever thought we would be going through as parents! (((HUGS)))Lori | ||
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Posted: February 26, 2017, 2:02 PM
Dee I would agree with Lori. Seek out a support group meeting like Al Anon or Nar Anon. It's cheaper than counseling.
I'm so sorry that your son is being hateful with you. One thing that I used to say to myself when going through hard times with my addict was, "he is more resourceful than I know". He knows how to get drugs, if he needs a shelter and what their rules are. Have you ever seen the movie "The Basketball Diaries"? I can relate to the mother in the film. | ||
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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: February 26, 2017, 9:41 PM
Thank you guys for the hugs and support. It means the world to me.
Hugs Dee. | ||
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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: February 27, 2017, 9:26 AM
Here I am again. Not much sleep. My son is getting out of detox today after going in cause he's homeless. My son claims he nolong uses the drug of his choice but he has done Zanax and coke if I spelled that right. He is not allowed to live with me no more cause I don't trust him. Like I said earlier he has stole from me little things but I'm not gonna subject me and our family to hiding things sleeping with things. I have to work and him being home will just have me sleeping with one eye open. I was thinking about getting him a room and paying the rent for him so he don't have to go to that God awful shelter. Not quite sure that's the right thing to do. One minute I think he's doing better and then he say something like I'm depressed so I use. I'm homeless so I use. I'm totally losing my mind. Scared to death and worried all the time. What do you guys think. Thank God for this forum you are all I have. I have been unable to find a support group in my area for parents and families of addicts. I will continue to look. Any suggestions are welcomed and needed.
Dee | ||
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Posted: February 27, 2017, 9:45 AM
Dee,
I can remember the same situation with my son, and one memorable moment when he called me at work while he was in our house and he was angry about something. I distinctly remember hearing him walking on what sounded like broken glass. I couldn't get home fast enough. I found some treasured items broken. Remember, "not my monkey, not my circus." You have no control over his addiction. You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. You need to take care of you. As Lori once stated, do you want to be doing this until your last dying breath? Believe me when I say he is more resourceful than you realize. Even if you help him with his living arrangements you would probably be on the hook for co signing a lease. Are you sure you want to be enabling him this way? On the left of this message, under Most Popular Topics, is a post titled "Let me Fall All By Myself". I suggest you read it. It will help put things in perspective. This post has been edited by Mtgirl on February 27, 2017, 9:47 AM | ||
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Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: February 27, 2017, 10:33 AM
I agree with MTgirl --if you rent him a room you can be on the hook if you sign a lease and he defaults or trashes the place. Also, what happens when or if he gets kicked out ?? Are you going to get him another place cause he is homeless or you don't want him to go back to that awful shelter??
He is where he is by HIS choice and it isn't up to you to pay the price for his bad choices. Maybe if he is at that God awful shelter he will think more about changing? Regardless, it is up to your son and anything else you do to aid him is enabling. Praying for you both and for wise choices! Addiction is hard on everybody! (((HUGS)))Lori | ||
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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: February 27, 2017, 11:00 AM
Thank you Lori and Mtgirl
You are right and that's what my brain is saying. I still don't have trust in him. And the blame game is getting old. I did the best that I could with what I had raising him and I didn't chose drugs. You are both right and I thank you for your hugs and support. I'm so happy I found you all. | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: February 27, 2017, 8:39 PM
re: renting room - my son lives in another state - went to rehab and sober living there. last year when he wanted to leave sober living bc the rent was too high, he rented a room - luckily month to month. he still did not pay the rent and became a few months behind. he lived with two other guys - an older guy and a younger guy - neither were addicts. my son - eventually brought addicts to 'their home' to sleep on the couch and do their laundry. and put the other residents in danger. danger of unpredictable strangers and getting stuff stolen, etc.
my son came home for a week - for a funeral. the strangers were still using his room by using the window to come and go. !! the residents found strangers doing laundry !! my son thought this was "OK. not a problem. who cares. they're exaggerating" (What!!) conclusion - dont sign your son up for something he cant or wont do on his own. and dont sign yourself up to be responsible for his behavior (my son did rent the room on his own and paid the first few months rent - I did not talk to the land lord until the end months when things were falling apart.) This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 27, 2017, 8:43 PM | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: February 27, 2017, 8:46 PM
I once let my son and a used car sales man talk me into cosigning a loan. so my son could get to work... it was a royal night mare - his insurance was too high for him to pay bc of accidents, I was paying the loan, he was between jobs.... I was loosing sleep over it......
luckily, he crashed it and we had the gap insurance. I am still driving a 2002 with over 200K miles! learning experiences !! I wont set myself up for that again! Dee - Im glad your found us. you need this reinforcement. I did too, when I was alone with my thinking and didnt know what to do to change it. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 27, 2017, 8:48 PM | ||
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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: February 27, 2017, 9:57 PM
NYtoFlorida
Thank you so much for helping see things clearer. It's a big help. I did not rent the room I felt weird about putting money in a strange account. My trust for things and people are not strong at the moment. Plus I don't see my son doing and saying things towards helping himself. I hate the nights alone with my pain and thoughts. Afraid to sleep can't wait till the morning. Dee | ||
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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: February 28, 2017, 8:46 AM
What a long night not much sleep at all. My son came out of detox yesterday and I meet up with him to have a bagel. We talked about what his next step will be. He tries to get into another Rehab but because he was in one less than a month ago is coverage won't pay. I walked with him cause I didn't want to take him to my house. He talked for four hours straight. My day off drained I feel so bad about feeling that way. Am I so wrong for wanting my day off to myself to do what I want even tho it means cleaning having dinner done early or maybe taking a mid afternoon nap. He don't understand that he says I'm your son I love you I want to be with you. I love him too but I want him to look for work all day everyday to try to get a job so he can get out of the shelter. He has an answer for everything. He only want to come live with me again. Makes all kinds of promises, but we Tried that already a couple of time and I can't again. I never have peace of mind and it's not fair to make everyone feel my pain. I try to put on a smile so no one will blame him for making me sad, scared, broken hearted and unrested. I sleep 10 mins at a time. The min I open my eyes I start the same thinking process WHAT AM I GONNA DO? WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN? He came to the house this morning at 6Am talking talking talking. Already stressed and the day didn't truly begin. I am so lost!!! My brain hurts as much as my heart hurts. I don't have much of a support system beside you all. My family don't understand how I can leave my son in the street. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. God please help me.
Dee | ||
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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: March 2, 2017, 8:32 PM
Some days I feel like I have a handle on things and sometimes I feel like I don't. I guess it's gonna be like this for a while. Thank God for you guys. Thanks so much for everything
XOXO Dee | ||
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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: March 4, 2017, 9:02 AM
Good morning all. Sorry to come here and bother you all and I feel like I'm bothering you guys. I just feel like I'm losing my grip. I can't help but worry about how cold it is out there. Where did he sleep? Did he eat? Did he survive the night? I can't beleive what's going on in my life right now. And I know his is much harder. I just keep thinking he blew his chances for help. But he didn't think or care about it. He knows he just came out of detox. He knows the program says he has to be clean to be in there. But he's been doing whatever it is since he got out of detox. I'm so scared. I have no one to turn to. Don't know what my day will be like. God help us all.
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Posts: 20
Joined: March 5, 2017
Posted: March 5, 2017, 4:36 AM
I am different from most other people I am seeing reply to you... I have been where he is, haven't been there now for almost 12 years... AND I have been where you are now... first with my first husband and now with my 24 year old daughter. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!!!!
I would like to share a few things I have learned through my journey.... 1. Make boundaries and do not deviate. This is both for you and for him! Discuss your boundaries once and then stick to them, some of mine with my daughter were "don't ask me for money, I will not give it to you, I don't care the reason or excuse. 2. Do not blame me for where you are, no matter how you were raised, you are an adult now and make your own decisions, if I made mistakes and you are aware of it then it's your responsibility to change it. 3. Unless you are clean, in outpatient treatment, have a job and a car do not ask to live with me... once again this is not my responsibility. You get the picture.... I wrote mine down, posted on my refrigerator so I always saw them, and emailed my daughter a copy. If she brought up something on the list I would reply that she needed to read the boundaries list and eventually she stopped asking. 2. Get into counseling or ALANON for support. 3. Educate yourself... the internet is your best friend. 4. Do not blame yourself. (See #2 on my boundaries list) 5. This is a hard one to say to you, And you may hate me for it, but prepare yourself as much as possible for the unthinkable to happen. My 1st husband died of a drug overdose. My daughter finally got help when I told her I had taken out a life insurance policy on her to pay for her funeral and had reserved one of our family burial plots in her name. She didn't get mad, she got help, because I think that for the first time she realized if she continued her lifestyle then she was going to die. BTW, I really did do those things, and I am so hopeful I will never have to use them. I hope this helps you a little. If not then I am sorry I took so much of your time. I will pray for you both tonight. Be strong and keep faith and hope alive. | ||
Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008
Posted: March 5, 2017, 4:47 AM
Dee....you gotta stop...understand we play with death every day..and we know this......understand you cannot fix it...cure it...control it...get to a meeting like all of us have said...you are way too involved...told you before. ..we're addicts. ..not morans...we can find the money ...find the dope...find a place to use...we can find a way to stay warm if we want...we take care of our own at times...detach Dee...your driving yourself crazy...addicted to the drama....as insane as we are...you got to cut him loose...
This post has been edited by constantine on March 5, 2017, 5:18 AM | ||
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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: March 6, 2017, 6:05 PM
Hi Con.
I have a question how is it my fault that he steals cause he's homeless and, hungry and he don't have any money. I used to give him some money to eat and he would do other things with it. I used to buy him all kinds of things to try to make things easier for him. He has nothing to show for it. I need help with this Delema. Why does he need to steal why can't he look for a job?? Is this my fault?? Thanks in advance Dee | ||
Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: March 6, 2017, 7:17 PM
Dee . . .this is only your fault if you put a gun to his head & told him he had to become an addict. I'm sure you did not do this. I'm sure you raised him well. But, as Scared said, he is now an adult. It is not your fault that he chose this lifestyle. And, it is not your responsibility to fix him. Did you have anything to do with the reasons that he is homeless and hungry?
I know that you send money and things in the hopes that he will not turn to crime or sell his body to make ends meet. We did this for our daughter, too. I get it!!! We didn't want her to be so desperate for money that she would throw her morals & values out the window. Even tho we paid the rent, bought food, paid for Uber & bus cards, and sent an allowance, it wasn't enough. She still was out there doing God-awful things. Con is absolutely correct. Our kids can and will figure out how to meet their needs on their own without our help. Right now your baby has you wrapped around his finger . . .he is counting on guilt-ing you into giving him something. Help him become independent . . .I know I couldn't cut my daughter off cold turkey . . .I felt if she went from being supported by us to no money overnight, she'd have no alternative but to resort to crime. .. and I also felt we were abandoning her. So we told her that she had 4 more weeks of allowance and that she needed to get & keep a job because she would be cut off in 4 weeks. If she had gotten a job, we probably would have continued sending her allowance for a few more weeks . . .until she had a few paychecks under her belt. But we didn't tell her this. Long story short . . .she didn't exert one ounce of energy to get or keep a job and we cut her off as promised in 4 weeks. This was her choice . . .not mine. I'm not going to say I didn't worry . . .or that it didn't hurt . . . but I gave her an opportunity and she blew it. What more was I supposed to do for a grown woman? To stop me from worrying, I stopped asking questions re anything that could lead to her wrapping her lips around asking me for money. She tried many times to get me to reopen my purse. . .she tested my new boundaries (She knew I was the soft one and would give in. Her father was the strong stead-fast one.) I learned to say, No. At first I entertained the stories & cried long and hard that I didn't "help" my only child. . .and I was not perfect (Sssshh . . .sometimes I gave in) . . .but as I grew stronger, as soon as I saw she was getting ready to purse her lips to ask . . .I shut her down quick, fast and in a hurry. Let me flip the script & ask it this way . . .you are giving him some money or things he can sell/pawn to get money, right? How will you feel if he uses some or all the money you gave him and OD'd, died or became a vegetable? Trust & believe, this WILL happen if you continue loving him the way you are. All of us parents of addicts know how you feel. We've all been where you are. So, here's a huge bear hug!!!! The choir -- addicts and loved ones of addicts on this board -- are all suggesting the same things. Can we all be wrong? Lynn xoxo BTW . . .have you been to your doctor lately? For you!!! All of this stress and worry can play havoc on your body. I don't want you to be sick or have a stroke or get an ulcer. Is your blood pressure ok? If you are not sleeping well, can he suggest something to help? Have you lost weight? Perhaps it is time for a physical? This post has been edited by hurtingmom on March 6, 2017, 7:21 PM -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
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Posts: 106
Joined: February 20, 2017
Posted: March 6, 2017, 8:05 PM
Hurtingmom,
Thank you for such kind words. I know you are right. It's not a lot of money but it was enough to get food and some snacks I stop with the money because it was to much already. He tells me he has to steal to eat. Ugg. But your not the only one my boss said the same thing if he wants drugs don't let it be your buck cause if something happens I'll never live it down. You guys are right. I'm ok I do have high blood pressure and it's never under control. I've lost like 18 lbs in 3 weeks no appetite. I eat finally when I feel nauseous I know not good. I have to stay sane I have to work. My son know I'm soft but I'm gonna start being really hard. I try so hard not to upset him so he don't take pills, but he upsets me every day almost. Funny how he'll say I need these meds cause I'm scared sleeping on the train then he say I need the money to survive with those meds. Ugg I pray for his life that God will keep him safe. It truly brakes my heart. He's just so entitled he thinks. I say why do you deserve my money I work hard for ? He reponce your my mother. He tells me I would never put my children in the street ever. I told him I hope you never have to!!!God be with us all. Sending hugs back Dee | ||
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Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008
Posted: March 7, 2017, 2:48 AM
Dee...why are you listening to a street junkie ? If it was anyone but your kid you wouldn't ask those questions. .listen to HM ....listen to the family members and your pastor. ..stop engaging in pointless conversations with your son...he's in active addiction. ..I was a street junkie. ..believe me...your an easy mark at this point. ..go to the mtgs...learn how to detach with love. ..get some face to face support. ..
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