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Posts: 6
Joined: December 16, 2014
Posted: January 11, 2015, 11:50 AM
Hubby's mom paid for several week at a nice rehab. He came home a few days after Xmas. He did really well in rehab, getting counseling and going to groups all day long. I spoke to his counselor who said my hubby really worked hard. I was so proud and hopeful. He came out of rehab a different man-- awesome changes! He was even better than before the addiction mess began! When he got home, he searched our storage trailer in case there were any drugs or paraphernalia left out there. He found drug stuff and threw it all away. He wanted to be sure he didn't have anything on the property, and I thought that was great and he was making a positive effort to create a clean environment.
Flash forward to last Thurs. He did his "disappearing act" again and got high. Unfortunately he knew there was a tracking device on his phone. I tried to install it secretly, but he found out. I said it was an anti-theft measure, which it is, but he knew what was up.... During his disappearing act, he removed the battery from his phone so I couldn't track his whereabouts. He came home with a very "up" mood, and then fed me the ridiculous lies which just got more and more stupid as one was needed to support the previous one. The lying pisses me off more than anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even more than him relapsing-- which I've been studying since he entered rehab so I'd know what to look for, and what things I could do to help prevent a relapse (there aren't many, but I did them) and how to help the addict (and myself) in case of relapse. Prior to his rehab, I was so depressed and my self-esteem was in the toilet. I cried often. I considered antidepressants, but realized it was my situation that was the issue-- not a brain chemistry problem. I needed to change my circumstances. I worked on myself while he was gone and am much stronger now, although I feel a little down and discouraged right now but I think that's normal for the situation. Prior to rehab, my daughter started cutting herself-- it was BAD. She was so stressed out at home and had no way to vent it properly, hence the cutting. She also started counseling while he's gone and is doing really well. I'm really proud of her. So, the relapse thing..... Any advice on how to reduce the anger/hurt/resentment/frustration? I don't want to be the one to break the news to his parents, especially his mom who plunked down the $9,000 for that rehab, but am thinking that helping him hide his return to addictive behaviors is codependednt. At the same time, "tattling" on him might be a bad move. I'm sort of stuck in limbo right now because I think they should know so they can help support him, and perhaps prod him, to get sober again. I don't know that them prodding him will do any good, but I think he'd listen to his dad. This post has been edited by Mulligans on January 11, 2015, 11:54 AM | ||
Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: January 11, 2015, 12:02 PM
Is he going to NA meetings regularly?
A rehab will spin you clean/dry and get you on your feet. The work isn't over at that point .. it is just beginning. Regular attendance at NA meetings and commitment to The 12 Step program will save his life. It is up to him to confess, if he doesn't he will have to suffer more before he surrenders. All the best. Bob R This post has been edited by Papa Bear on January 11, 2015, 12:03 PM -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: January 11, 2015, 8:41 PM
Dear Mulligans,
I am surprised that the treatment center did not offer you a family support program. I suggest that you attend a family support program such as Al Anon or NAR Anon. The first step toward recovering codependent is that you are powerless over someone else's addiction. They are in the telephone book, a directly online, and usually man a hotline. It sounds like you are attempting to be his treatment center post rehab. This is not your job and will only lead to a swirl of bad. I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how welcome and understood you will be in an Al Anon meeting. There are a lot of people who share a similar problem. You can learn to love with detachment. It takes some work on your part, but the journey is well worth it. I hope this helps and good luck. Fly | ||
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Posts: 6
Joined: December 16, 2014
Posted: January 12, 2015, 7:18 AM
Thank you all for your good suggestions. He won't go to meetings because a counselor at the rehab said they weren't for everyone, despite all the other counselors telling him he should get into meetings. He's waiting for the court to order him to go. I guess the plan is to stay high until the judge orders the treatment plan? He got a felony drug charge (there were two but the DA dropped one case as part of the plea agreement), hence the court thing. Al/NA-anon meetings are pretty far from here. We live in the boonies :-( But I'm researching them so I can make plans for trips up to the city to attend the meetings. Even if I can only afford the trip once a week or every other week, I think it's worth it. Also checking into costs for counseling with a therapist. Gotta do something to get my head back where it needs to be, right? Thanks again for the good suggestions!
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: January 12, 2015, 8:57 AM
Let him find the meetings.... it won't work if you keep enabling him.
He could find a drink or a hit in no time if he wanted it. He can find the meetings. You get with the Al-Anon & Nar-Anon folks, they will teach you how to detach from this in a healthy positive way. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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