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Posts: 2
Joined: April 5, 2017
Posted: April 5, 2017, 2:34 AM
It wasn't supposed to be so hard of a life, he wasn't a junkie...he was so much more than this. When we met, I never once entertained him possibly being some opioid addict. I remember one time 6months into things, he dozed off mid-sentence after working out in the sun one july afternoon. I asked if he was okay and if he was under the influence of something....he said he was exhausted from working, nothing more. I didnt question it either, just accepted the answer.
Now,i know better, by the time i was due to have our son in 2012- he was no longer able to even try fooling me with bullsh*t lies about percocet or xanax he had misused- he was addicted to heroin and i had accumulated a plethora of evidence he had carelessly left in his path down to actually finding heroin itself he had dropped or misplaced during his drug high. Now With six years of lying- relapsing- withdraw- apologizing- lying- relapsing- withdraw apologizing-later today, I sit here watching over him sick after a two day binge on H. A binge he justified because he had to use so he didnt get sick after missing a Suboxone refill outpatient appt...appts which have consumed much of his life for the last 9months since his near dead and gone but revived in time OD occurred. Suboxone- like a devils advocate to addiction, entrapped him in his habit like a noose around his neck he gets to loosen here and there to still get a fix then tighten back up and use Suboxone so he avoids sickness. Ive said "get out" more than I love in the last two years, Ive made more threats to turn him away and sent him home to his folks more than 5times for him to detox there cuz i wasnt able to hold his hand and run a three kid household another time... Ive watched years of my life stolen by his addiction. Holidays, bdays, opportunities for joy or memories to be made, all pass with no more than regret to look back on- and yet ive still gotten no closer to seeing a day where this cycle of abuse/hurt/loss/and sickness finally will end. After losing our business and every bit of capital we had in equipment or savings, he begged to be saved. I bought into it and he left for his initial round with rehab at a pricey rapid detox cinic out of state , he was clean 30days- on day 31the vivitrol shot he was given wore off and he went diving back into the dope use...his 12months worth of naltrexole prescriptions still sit -full bottles I saved thinking soon we will need these. but we havent needed them because he needed H more. untill Suboxone scripts became his main monthly crutch. only he isnt better, he is only getting his fix from a doctor instead of daily dealing with dope dealers on the street. I have prayed for strength, prayed for a miracle, and begged for mercy but none of that has yet come for me. Our son is now 5, he adores his dad-but he wouldnt if he was older like my oldest two kids. They hate him- he has stolen time and life from them as well and they arent as forgiving as me. I feel as if i finally realize how responsible i am for his drug addiction as he is due to my enablement and i need to figure out how to remove him from our home and lives untimately for as long as i have to. and I need to know how to explain to his son where daddy is, why daddy left home- one day i may have to explain how daddy died if he keeps using. lord give me guidance to finally do the right thing and keep to my word! Thanks for a place to feel like Im not alone and I can find a way, like many of you all have done. | ||
Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: April 5, 2017, 8:40 AM
Thank you for sharing. That was very moving and you definitely know the heroin game. I feel bad for all the kids involved in having heroin addicted parents. They suffer so much.
You seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders and that you don't buy into any of your husband's BS. Are you prepared to actually tell him to leave? I know it can't be easy when there is a kid involved who won't understand why dad isn't there but you know that it's the best thing. These kids shouldn't have to pay the price of addiction and you, as their mother, need to set an example of what you are not willing to tolerate. I feel like you are a good mother and will look out for your children's best interests. I wish you luck. Reach out to any resources in your community to help you deal with this. Nar anon and Al anon are good places to start. Hugs! -------------------- Michelle | ||
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Posted: April 6, 2017, 2:36 PM
Hi. I'm a user and am almost off subs. In my opinion he needs to hit rock bottom. Maybe that will give him the wake up call that he needs. And off the subs too.
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Posts: 60
Joined: March 13, 2017
Posted: April 6, 2017, 4:35 PM
Hi hisaddiction..
I'm so sorry for you. My advice for you is to run. Take what you can, take your kids and run. You don't deserve this. Your kids do not deserve this. Gather up your courage, push down the fear and run away. Start a life of calm, peacefulness and serenity.. You and your kids do not deserve a another minute of this chaos, nightmare. You can not fix him. I know I tried to fix my son for 14 years. Tried everything. Been through an unbelievable nightmare. I'm done. He can never ruin mine or my husbands life again. We simply won't allow it. It's so hard cuz he's my only child, my baby. But I deserve to be happy. So does my husband. Our 14 year nightmare has been extreme. I'm sure you and I share similar stories. It seems all us moms wives do here on this board. Your children deserve not to live in a house with an active addict. I feel for you. Your letter really touched my heart. I wish I could say it will get better, hang in there, try harder blah blah, but I won't cuz it won't get better. Run, and reclaim your life. I know some people on this board won't agree, I could care less. Take care and I will keep you in my prayers | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: April 6, 2017, 8:56 PM
definitely start separating your stuff from his stuff. distance yourself from his addiction. start saving yourself and kids. Get yourself into a good financial situation so you can do what you need to do with the kids. send him off to his parents house to detox whenever he is high or binging.
Read the other postings: Ways Family Members can Help, What Not to do, Let me fall all by myself, Will you learn to say No don't do for your husband what he should be doing for himself. Hope this helps! This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on April 6, 2017, 8:59 PM | ||
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Posted: April 7, 2017, 12:31 AM
Just curious what's the longest he has been away from the family? The longer away the worse you feel getting to rock bottom. I hope you 2 can work it out. Going to be some tough love. I didn't start drugs till after my divorce and it's a lonely life for a addict. I don't understand how a guy can have an addiction while living with his loved ones. Is there a men's shelter he can go too? If so send him there till he can prove he's clean and employed!
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