| post replypost new topic |
Posts: 3
Joined: September 10, 2016
Posted: September 10, 2016, 10:32 PM
Hello, this is my first time ever posting in something like this but I feel I need to talk to someone. I have been with my husband for almost 10 years since we were kids we now have two young children and another on the way due in just a couple of months. My husband has had a problem for years but the thing is it comes and goes everything in our lives is so perfect when hes not using or drinking for many years. But every time things really start to look up he gets a good job and starts bringing money in he gets drunk and goes on a binge. Im so over sitting at home taking care of our children crying and praying wondering where he is the last time he did this though was the worst time ever he lost our house and car all in a day so I really thought that he had finally realized how bad it was and really decided to stop but here we are months later I am a stay at home mom and student looking for a job as well and he just landed a good job and the day before he was going to be promoted to manager and we were going to look at a place and a vehicle he did it again hes been gone for days took the money out of the safe at work and disappeared ruined everything again for $180 I just dont understand how he he can keep doing this to us and yet I always stay so he just keeps doing it hes been to rehab he missed our 2nd childs birth because of it and things were so amazing for a few months and then he just gave up on aa and hasnt been back since I love him so much but I dont know what to do Im trying so hard to make our lives and our family work and everything as simple as possible I just dont understand why. I know its not the case but to me I feel like we cant mean much to him if he continues to take money from our life that we need to take care of our children and ruin everything for them over and over again. And its not even the same problem it used to be crack and this time its Meth and I always stand up for him and he finally called me and talked to me for a few minutes and admitted he f***ed up again what am I supposed to feel or do. I just want him to get help and to be a family but Im so over living this way! I trying my best and I do nothing but take care of my children and go to school why does someone who can be fine for months at a time do this everytime. And why do I keep putting my faith and trust in him when he keeps proving Im wrong. Idk what exactly I expect to come from this post and sorry its long and ranting but i just dont know who else to turn to my uncle and dog died in the two days since hes been gone and these have bee pretty much the worst couple days of my life and I just dont know what to do he always disappoints me when I need him most yet when things are good they are so great and our children love him greatly and as I grew up with a s***ty father and then none for a long time I dont want that for them but I cant change him obviously and if three children and a loving wife who takes care of everything isnt enough what ever will be???
please reply This post has been edited by Mommy_Stressed on September 11, 2016, 12:03 AM | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: September 11, 2016, 9:25 AM
My short advice is to start thinking in terms of "what is good for me and the kids". You have to get into "every man for himself" mode. Great if your husband turns around and joins you someday, but you have to start learning how to survive on your own to take care of you and the children.
so you don't have to depend on someone else's income or actions in order to put food on the table. you have to be sef sufficient . this means keeping your assets separate from your husbands. If you have a car, he can not drive it.... etc.... his poor decisions can not be allowed to impact your life. from a bird's eye view, this may look like living a parelle life for a while - a few years until he is successfully clean and living and mananging life on his own. My son is in this situation. on the road to recovery. where he needs to successfully learn to pay rent and bills, and "get his life back" to where it was before addiction. It is like he lost all motivation and ability to pay a bill. he cant successfully manage a bank account, or any thing with out being overdrafted, behind in payments, etc.... he has always been a dedicated worker, and always able to get a job. but at 26 yrs old that window is closing.... the addiction was catching up to him to the point that he lost everything. now he has to start over and actually manage his life at the level that he is capable of managing. In the past we (mom and dad) would constantly help with things - mostly financial - to keep him a float... this just enabled him to stay in the life style of addictions. The day to day details of every individual is different. Get your husband to understand that you are not leaving him, but financially you need to live separately ..... etc.... this will be very hard at first, and may take a year to fully make the change.... be creative to figure out what will work for your situation. maybe you and the kids living w relatives until you can be working, etc.... that would give your husband less of a chance to mooch off you -- he needs to feel the pain financially in order to want to make the change to quit doing drugs.... it may take a long time. get prepared | ||
Posts: 41
Joined: July 3, 2016
Posted: September 11, 2016, 9:50 AM
Hi, I'm sorry.
I'm trying to write something but I don't know what to say... Go to Nar anon, you'll find support there. You know you can't change him, the addiction is controlling him and it has nothing to do with you and the kids. You have to take care of yourself and your codependency to be able to look after three kids, they need you. Leaving your lives in his hands is insane. Be brave and ask for help, we can't do it alone. 💜 | ||
Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: September 11, 2016, 10:27 AM
Mommy_Stressed--
As NY said--we too enabled our son for over 20 years and all it did was allow him to continue his addictions and live in a world we don't understand at all! By doing what you are doing you are allowing your husband to keep falling off the tracks and he will take you all down with him. As NY said --you need to start taking care of and thinking in terms of yourself and the kids. He chooses not to be a part of that and you can't change him--only he can change himself if he chooses to do so. He can't do it for you or for the kids. He can only change for himself or it won't work! Separate your finances and belongings if you want to have anything. Separate your lives if you have to, as well ,and hopefully he will turn his life around and go to rehab, etc. It won't be easy and it will take time ,but if you continue with things the way they are, your kids and you stand to lose a whole lot more and they won't grow up to thank you for keeping them in this dysfunctional relationship! | ||
|
| post replypost new topic |