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Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: January 6, 2017, 8:00 PM
I am feeling torn and really trying to not make this my responsibility.
My son gets out of rehab in two weeks. He's been there a month and a half and was in jail before that for 3 months. I talked to him today and he was really honest and I appreciate it but I also have no real words or advice to give him about his concerns. The number one concern is that he doesn't have a home to go to. He literally has some clothes and that's about it. His other concerns are that he won't be able to comply with the program requirements...his words "I couldn't comply with misdemeanor probation, how am I going to do this?" He says all this stress just makes him want to get high. There is a sober living facility on the rehab campus and I told him he really should try and get in there because that's going to be his best bet at this point. I also reminded him to not spend too much time looking at the big picture, just to take it a day at a time. The feelings that I'm dealing with are that I feel like if he has no home to go to, he'll fail and I'll feel like it's my fault for not offering my home to him. The reality is, I know that he lived with us before and that wasn't enough to keep him clean. Ugh...when am I going to stop this? He is 30 years old. He needs to figure this out, not me. I just don't want him to fail... Thanks for listening friends, Michelle -------------------- Michelle | ||
Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: January 6, 2017, 11:34 PM
Hi Shell, Have you heard if the sober living place is any good? Or do drugs get in there? If it's a secure place and will he not be offered drugs there then it probably will be easier for him to get around. But then look at how often on here we've read about sober living places...seems most aren't that good and drugs do get into them. How will he get to all the appointments if he lives with you? I know you said you live rural. Will it mean getting him a car? If you think he will behave then I guess you could try letting him come home. But I would lay down the law and any signs of a problem and he's out. It's hard I know. He will have to learn your routine and not get in your way. Clean up after himself. It will take a bit of getting use to again. Is your husband on board for this? You should take a drive by the sober living place and see if you can talk to someone who works there. It's great how these judges gives them all these things to do and complete without any idea of how they will be able to do them without a place to live, a car, money, etc. It's ridiculous! If you do decide to let him come home make sure he knows he has to live by your rules.I know you'll do good setting your boundaries if that's what you decide. But you know what Michelle no matter what you decide to do it will be the right choice. It's HIS life, HIS choice. He either lives it the way he's meant to or screws it up. It's all on him...not your fault if he fails. ((Hugs)) Mary💜
This post has been edited by Mandm on January 6, 2017, 11:41 PM | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: January 6, 2017, 11:39 PM
I have had those same thoughts. logically thinking my son can live at home, start over, etc...
but then I have the thought, same as you, he was home and he didn't stay clean, lied, didn't save $, didn't help around the house - wasn't home much to help with anything. So why would I think it would be different. I COULD be different, but will it?? We just don't know. I think the sober living is a good idea. even though it will be hard for him, if he wants to succeed, he should be able to do what he needs to - this is the part that is in their hands - when THEY really want it, they can do it. Keep finding info for help in the community, and keep suggesting helpful advice for your son. | ||
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Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: January 6, 2017, 11:56 PM
Sorry if I wasn't clear ladies. No, there is no way that he will be living with us. Even if we were ok with it, we live in the country and he would have no way to get to all these meetings and appointments. He is not eligible to even try to get a driver's license back until 2018.
Mary, I can't really check out the sober living house. His rehab is in northern Michigan and I'm about 4 hours south of where he's at. His court stuff is in my town but they work with this rehab. I know that if he wants to do the sober living there, the courts will agree to it. He would still have to attend his 5 NA meetings a week and get a job, etc... I just think it would be easier than him having to come back and probably get a studio apartment in the same area as his dealer. It definitely seems like they set them up to fail though. I'm not sure how someone with no home, no car, no anything is supposed to do all this stuff. I guess only the people that really want it will succeed. Thanks for your support. Michelle Oh, and I have heard it's a good sober living facility. This post has been edited by Shell2639 on January 6, 2017, 11:58 PM -------------------- Michelle | ||
Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: January 7, 2017, 12:06 AM
I vote for sober living Michelle! If he wants to get high then it doesn't matter what you do because he obviously will do just that! Again--it is all about his choices--not yours.
Let go and let God-- I am praying for you and your son! (((HUGS))) Lori | ||
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Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: January 7, 2017, 12:07 AM
Then the sober living is where he needs to go. They certainly do make things hard for people trying to start again. He's been away from drugs 4 1/2 months now? That's really great!! Maybe him being clean this long will make him want to stay clean. Has he ever been clean this long before? ((Hugs)) Mary💜
This post has been edited by Mandm on January 7, 2017, 12:10 AM | ||
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Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: January 7, 2017, 12:27 AM
I do hope he goes for sober living. Yes, almost 5 months clean Mary. It's the longest sober time in many years. He has a good attitude but just doesn't think he can do it. Unfortunately, statistics say he can't but I hope he's in the minority. Take care
Michelle -------------------- Michelle | ||
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Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: January 7, 2017, 12:34 AM
Hi again Michelle, It does sound promising! My daughter has never been clean more than a month!! So he stands a good chance of making it. Mary 💜
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Posted: January 7, 2017, 4:25 AM
Hi Mary,
I read your first few sentences and I remember feeling my gut getting tied in knots when my son was about to be released. Good for your son in being honest with you. It sounds like he is as anxious as you. Poor guy. Does your son have a sponsor or has he been going to meetings? How does he feel about the sober living place? My son went to went to detox, then residential, then sober living. The sober living place was close to public transportation and the case managers (with this program) helped the guys find jobs. A lot of the people in this program were from out of town or out of state, but they stayed in the sober living apartments. Some had their own cars and others used public transportation. My son got a lot out of sober living because he was with the same group who went through the rehab program with him and they provided peer support. He really should have stayed longer in sober living but that's another story for another time. To me, if he has no where else to go then the sober living place might be the best thing. He has no need or ties to go back to where he used to be, especially if he has a sponsor or other support where he is right now. I hope this is a fresh beginning for him. This post has been edited by Mtgirl on January 7, 2017, 4:38 AM | ||
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Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: January 7, 2017, 9:54 AM
Mtgirl,
My son is a little hesitant about the sober living. He's saying he's sick of living with a bunch of guys. I don't think that's the real reason and if he digs deep he'll figure it out. I do think it's the best decision for him too. He'll continue to have sober support and resources. He is attending meetings but doesn't have a sponsor yet. The rehab he's at is 12 step based. I hope he makes a good decision for himself. I've made it clear to him that he isn't going to be living with us so he really has nowhere else to go and he has no girlfriend or wife, no kids, no ties at all here except for us (his parents). Thanks for your input. I appreciate it. Hearing from everyone helps keep things in perspective. Michelle -------------------- Michelle | ||
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Posted: January 7, 2017, 2:42 PM
Hi Michelle,
I realized that I addressed my previous post to Mary (hi Mary!) instead of you. My apologies. I can say that my son was also a little hesitant about the sober living place before he went there. He had heard that people were sleeping around (it's a coed program but they have separate living facilities) and relapsing left and right. His wife didn't want him to go to sober living b/c she was concerned about other women being around there and she was trying to talk him out of the sober living portion of the program. The case manager asked him to give it a chance and that didn't sit well with his wife who then felt like she was blindsided by the case manager and ticked at my son because of her perception that he threw her under the bus, so to speak. He stayed in sober living for about two or three weeks then went back to his home. I retrospect he says he wished he stayed at sober living (and so does she) for a while longer. I hope your son will try it. Here's to hoping he will at least give it a try. This post has been edited by Mtgirl on January 7, 2017, 2:53 PM | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: January 7, 2017, 2:46 PM
just wanted to jump back in. current thoughts - I read this statement somewhere years ago -> your job in successful parenting is to raise your child to be independent.
Tell your son this. as we have seen our children ARE capable of doing things for them selves. it just isnt what WE want them to do...lol... Tell your son that your job is to give him guidance in becoming independent. you will not be around forever. he will have to continue living after you die. tell him that he needs to learn to do that before you die. stick to the What not to do rules. help him find solutions in the community. but he has to do the leg work, phone calls, etc. say to him IF mom was not here, what would you do. tell him it will take a long time, but every good month leads to a good year. try to change the thinking pattern for both of you. Jot down some notes to look at when he is on the phone so you remember what to say and how to say it and not get off track. when he hears you saying it over and over, he will start doing it or stop calling. It is fair to do research and give him phone number, locations, organization names, etc. but not to go to the organizations or make the phone calls or fill out the paperwork, unless he is really all in and needs you to do it. He has to live independently. he has to learn it. the possibility of drug use is everywhere. at sober living he has resources and support to do as much or as little as he wants to. narrow down his choices he has two : live as a homeless person or get into sober living, choice 3 - mom's house is not an option at this time. you need to be able t afford and deal w your own housing and financial planning. which might change over the next few years. PS my son also lived at a rehab/residential/sober living for 5 months - as soon as he left, he relapsed. he really needed to stay for 6 month more would have been good. 5 months was just enough time to get his head clear. he still needed to change the life style impulses. he thought he could handle it - NOT! he also did had excuses. 3 guys in a room, food issues, privacy, can't have a friend over, curfew etc... but hey - to us its like - so what - sobriety is first.... our sons have to get to that point. it is our goal to help them see that. on the top of your "phone call cheat sheet" write STOP! DONT PANIC! lol Good Luck in the new year.... This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on January 7, 2017, 2:55 PM | ||
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Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: January 7, 2017, 6:44 PM
Hi Michelle, Wish I could help but unfortunately my daughter has never done sober living places before. She did detox and rehab but that was for a month one time way back when she was 17. Never would go back. I didn't know your sons rehab was 4 hours away. Is that where the jail is too? That's a hellava drive! I hope and pray things work out for him and you get peace of mind. Take care! Mary.💛
Mtgirl... Hi, I knew what you meant. Nice seeing you! Hope all is good with you. Mary.💛 | ||
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Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: January 8, 2017, 12:16 AM
Thanks for your advice NY. He's definitely not ready to be homeless again so I'm thinking he might try the sober living. I'll keep you all informed.
Mtgirl, I knew you were talking to me, even though you wrote Mary, lol. Mary, No, the jail is in my town. They have a couple different rehabs they use for recovery court and this one is the farthest away from me (of course). One more reason that I hope he chooses the sober living...new environment. I'll keep you updated. Thanks, Michelle -------------------- Michelle | ||
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