| post replypost new topic |
Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016
Posted: June 11, 2017, 4:19 PM
My son (17) came to me a few days ago and said he had an epiphany. It seemed sincere. So, of course, I jumped into motion to help. I thought he was being very sincere. He wasn't perfect, of course, but seemed to be trying to move out of his bad spot. I tried to control my optimism, but off I went hook, line and sinker! It seemed like we started to have a small bond that had not been there for SO long.
I found out today (rather abruptly) that I was being played for a specific purpose. (Being really vague here on purpose.) It hurts so bad! The depth of the deception is shocking even for him. I feel like a wounded animal. On top of that, I feel like he is getting into trouble and not telling me...and, I feel like he is not even a competent adult at this point. It seems crazy he is considered competent. But, I sense his absolute refusal to be honest is leading him deeper into trouble. He is like a child mentally in some ways. I feel like he is played by friends and played by so many....and, the only ones who care and who won't play him...he shuts out or cons all the time. And, he is so SURE he knows everything and has it all under control. His age just eats at me sometimes. He is not an adult but not a child. In the eyes of the law, we have very little control at 17. Sometimes I think it would be easier if he was 30 or 40. Maybe not...But, he is so ignorant of life and just getting in deeper and deeper. And, he wants nothing to do with help. His dad spoke my thoughts-that he would not be surprised to find him dead. To hear his dad say this out loud kinda shattered me. He has always been much more positive about the future than me. And, guess what? I can do nothing about it and I know that!! Yet, seems like watching a barreling trail heading for a cliff. Standing there, watching it all unfold and powerless to do anything about it. Today was just a bad day where I totally gave into my depression about this situation. Honestly, this saddens me to my bones. I know I need to pull out of this and detach...But, today I just did not have the energy for it. At least I have a place where people UNDERSTAND. That means a lot!!!! | ||
Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: June 11, 2017, 6:48 PM
P,
I'm sorry you're going through another hard time with your son. Yes, it is hard with your son being 17 but you do have some control. You can call the police if you witness him committing any crimes. You always have control over how you act and react. I understand how hard it is, believe me but trust me, it's not any easier or better when they're 30. I've been there with my kid at 17 and at 30. You just need to stay strong in your convictions about what you'll accept in your life and how you'll let others treat you. You aren't stupid or anything for "falling for his epiphany". You're a mom and you listened and when you realized that it wasn't what it seemed, you changed your way of thinking. You aren't expected to be a mind reader. You aren't going to always know if he's being honest or not. Don't be so hard on yourself and it is perfectly ok to get depressed about this at times. Tomorrow's a new day. It'll be ok. Hugs -------------------- Michelle | ||
Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: June 11, 2017, 6:57 PM
Oh boy, do I know how you feel! My saga all started when Chris was 17 as well. Lies, deceit, having it all under control, user friends, and on and on.
We were in the same predicament and he wanted to be treated like an adult, but was still very immature and made horrible choices. Fast forward to today and we have a 46 y/o addicted son who is still full of lies, immature, makes poor choices,is deceitful, and has been in and out of jail and prison. There is no going back and having a redo. Years of counseling, rehabs, outward bound teen challenges, halfway houses, and you name it we have done it! We could have gone on an around the world cruise for the money we have spent to "help" him needless to say the stress, worry, and sleepless nights! It is really difficult to know what to do when we as parents think of them as kids and society calls them adults. They are so far from being adults or making adult choices! I am not trying to tell you what to do, but if you feel you have tried all the options like counseling and rehab, then you might want to prepare yourself for when he is legally of age and 18, because you truly won't have any legal control. I don't know your son or his mindset, but seems he is headed for disaster on this path and nothing you do or say will change it at this point. You know the three C's and you know from being on here the difficulty we all face in "letting go." Has he been in school? Has he had a job? Has he been in counseling or rehab? Has he been held accountable for his choices? Has anything you have done or said made a difference in his behavior or choices? If not, then you might want to try plan B , as difficult as it is, and when he turns 18 cut him loose. Hopefully, he won't be so excited about the real world if he has to pay for it himself with no help from you. Tough to do, but maybe necessary, and maybe a wake-up call for him???? Praying for you "parenting" cause you have been a good momma and need some respite from all of this! (((HUGS))) Lori | ||
|
Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016
Posted: June 11, 2017, 10:22 PM
Thank you so much!! I am soaking in all the words. This is one of the hardest things I have had to face. It is like a death. I had a nightmare about my brother's death last night and it was all tangled up in this mess with my son (in my dream). It is horrible. And, it is SO nice to talk to people who understand!! Sometimes I feel like I am falling into a dark pit.
He does have a job that he has managed to keep. Just 1 day a week. Very part time. That is a positive that he still keeps going. I have tried everything but forcibly making him go to rehab or mental health ward. Honestly, we are considering that if needed just to get him a safe place for awhile. Basically, I paid for counseling for years with different people. He scams and lies. The last counselor, he blatantly lied to for almost a year. I had no idea until I asked to meet for another update. It amazes me that people don't check in with the parent of teens. Police included! I mean, yes, I understand he needs some privacy, but how far can a troubled teen be considered independent?? He doesn't know yet that I am onto his recent scam. Once he does know this (tonight when he gets home), I am afraid he is going to get hostile. He is going to realize his goal will not be met and that generally makes him crazy. In the past, I have called the police, but also sometimes have not called because of his age. You know---save them from permanent records (as the rest of us suffer). I am determined tonight I have to call them if he does anything inappropriate. In the past, I have foolishly thought I needed to give him a warning-you know-how many warnings has he had?? He knows it is not appropriate. So, I cannot start off saying, "If you---then I will". It seems so enabling and stupid that I do that. Like, "gosh, here is a news flash...If you threaten to kill me, I will have to call the police you know. So, don't do that". Ugh. I feel trapped by own stupidity sometimes. I know I cannot be so hard on myself and appreciate the realistic kind words. It is not stupid of me, just a difficult situation. So, thank you for the support. You really have no idea how much it helps. This is just such a nightmare. I think he has advanced in his drug choice recently, also. THANK YOU. Hugs to all of you!! | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: June 12, 2017, 1:39 PM
Parenting - maybe you do not need to tell him what you recently found out. do not need to confront him - you know where it will lead. use the knowledge to keep you strong and determined to detach. He is not honest w you, why should you be honest w him?
just a thought. let the therapist confront him, if he wants. stop sending him to therapy - if you are paying for it. you dont need a reason other than ---- this is not working out ... stop participating in the dance. draw a line in the sand.... his side, your side with each decision ask your self: Did I cause this situation in front of me? No - then I do not need to fix it. It is not mine to fix. | ||
|
Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: June 12, 2017, 4:36 PM
P,
It sounds like you've got a plan in your head for if things go awry. That's good. Isn't it enlightening when you finally take a step back and realize, for instance, that you shouldn't have to warn him you'll call the police if he threatens to kill you? We have put up with so much from our son too...things we would never ever have tolerated from anyone. You're getting there. You're getting stronger and smarter. You're learning to recognize old behaviors for what they are (enabling) and you're trying to do things differently. That's all we can ask of ourselves. Hugs -------------------- Michelle | ||
|
Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016
Posted: June 12, 2017, 6:41 PM
Thanks all. He had to know I found out because he did not get what he wanted. He actually was very calm, which makes me think he was already scamming someone else. I know him well enough to know that he had to have a back up plan if he was so calm.
I do feel stronger. It is so hard to detach. I like all the comments, it really helps me. I think the hardest thing is that he just makes no sense. He quite frankly seems to have a brain problem. Which makes it hard to just let it go. Kind of like if a developmentally disabled adult were doing something harmful. Yet, I really do know...no matter what...He is on the train and driving full speed ahead. I am trying to make time for myself and cut down on other commitments these next 2-3 weeks. At least I am starting to acknowledge that this is stressful and give myself permission to take care of myself. I don't think other people realize how draining this can be. I am still baffled, shocked, frustrated at his level of sheer ignorance or stupidity or whatever it is. Shocking! He is smiling, waving, flooring that train right over the edge of the cliff. But, again, the 3 Cs. Line in the sand. Detach!! Thanks all. | ||
|
Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: June 12, 2017, 7:42 PM
I hear you Parenting and I am drained too. Even being strong and detaching is wearing especially at my age--lol!!
(((HUGS))) Lori | ||
|
Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016
Posted: June 12, 2017, 11:36 PM
These last couple days have been crazy. Tonight, I started feeling totally crazy! I kept having these thoughts that life is only getting worse and I cannot deal with it anymore. Reading posts here, I kept telling myself i had to take care of myself, but so hard to get myself going.
I ended up telling people who needed to know that I was turning my phone off. I went on a little adventure for 3 hours-hiking, driving to a preserve. I gave myself permission to check-out and be unavailable!! It was wonderful!!! I loved it. And, I went from thinking life was so blah to feeling at peace & actually a glimmer of feeling free. I need to give myself these breaks a lot more often. Hugs to all. | ||
|
Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: June 13, 2017, 10:35 AM
Parenting--
Those breaks are lifesavers and I need to do that more as well. Take care of you! (((HUGS)))Lori | ||
Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: June 13, 2017, 1:37 PM
Hi P, Having a cell phone is a blessing to many people but to us mothers it's an easy way for our kids to torture us. I got so sick of the nasty texts that I just changed my number. The peace was great! What a difference it made. I also went on my house phone and blocked my daughter's phone number, her boyfriends phone number and his mothers phone number. Then if I didn't recognize a local number calling in I didn't answer it. This is what I did and it was so peaceful. She had my husbands cell number but things didn't bother him like they did me. Before I done this I told my daughter I was going to do it, because I was sick of her nasty texts etc. I let it go on like this for about 6 weeks then I gave her my new number and unblocked her. But she got the message and knew I'd do it again if the cursing and flipping out started up again. You could try this and let him call your husbands phone. Their not as smart mouthed on there.Take care, Mary
| ||
|
Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016
Posted: June 13, 2017, 9:20 PM
Yes! When I took my little break, I thought about the not-so-long ago days when no one could reach you until you got home to hear your message!
There is no reason for me to be available 24/7 when it is not normal conversation! I am going to try the blocking plan. I have already started not responding, but, of course, it still gets to me. It would be nice to have a shield that blocks the arrows totally. | ||
|
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: June 13, 2017, 10:22 PM
I keep my phone on silent and sometimes forget about it and leave it in another room.
Parenting - you want to detach your energy from his. It takes two to tango.... if you are not a willing participant, he will have to play his games elsewhere. It may actually help him when your energy is not part of the game. I know it is difficult to detach when the person is living in the same house. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on June 14, 2017, 9:58 AM | ||
|
| post replypost new topic |