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Posted: August 28, 2014, 3:39 PM
Hello everyone,
I really need some advice. I've been with my boyfriend a little over four years now, living together for 8months. When I met him he had a heroin addicted which I found out about 5 and a half months into our relationship, by the time I had found out he admitted it to me and had been enrolled on a methadone recovery program for a few weeks by then after trying to kick the heroin himself by buying street methadone (which he told me was weight gain stuff and I threw it away saying he didn't need it) He was an addict for only 6 months, and injecting for around 3-4 months. I went with him to every doctors appointment, every meeting and the doctor told him he was lucky he had realised the problem only 6 months into his addiction and that it is unusual for heroin users to make the decision to quit so soon after starting. He did weekly drug tests which were always negative then a few months later he went into rehab for 2 weeks to kick the small amount of methadone he couldn't seem to live without, he did it, and came out clean. But it seemed he did it all too soon and too quickly because not long after that he went back onto the methadone program. Since then there has been a few scary moments such as finding an a few of his old stashs and finding it so hard to believe that it was and 'old' stash of needles etc but he did a test which come back negative which I then thought he could have made up but he isn't at all computer literate. Then he ran into a few old dealers he owed money too on different occasions who he hadn't seen since he had been clean so I helped pay them off. so years later and after a scary moment and worrying he's relapsed we move into a flat together, the previous tenant it turns out was also a heroin user, that was arrested and dragged out of the flat. There is evidence to back this up, such as letters we get still from drug help clinics and the council warning us the found needles whist cleaning up. So one day about 3 months after we moved in we decided to fit a shower, we moved the bath panel off and found a stash of needles and old citric acid packets and tear offs and other drug related pharaphinalia, I accused him and he denied it, we threw all the stuff away, we had four cats at the time, two of which were very playful kittens, they would keep going under the bath and we would keep finding odd acid tear offs, needle caps etc It was the hardest 2-3 months of my life I didn't know weather to believe they wasn't his or not I just didn't know and I constantly worried I would check his arms check his eyes incase they were pinned everytime he came out of the bathroom. He has problems with using the toilet - probably due to the methadone making him constipated so he goes for walks sometimes takes the dog if we are dog sitting then he comes back and goes to the toilet locks himself in for ages at a time. Then it all stopped after we cleaned the bathroom out and the rest of the paraphinalia and the cats were rehomed. The bath panel is still off but now so is the side panel so you can see under the bath properly. I still check religiously. Nothing was found until the other day, I was emptying his pockets of his shorts and found a citric acid small tear off in his pocket, I also keep finding small pieces of thin plastic really small pieces, I confronted him again, he said he found it on the garden (which we have done in the past, and our neighbours also found things too when they first moved in) he said he was going to chuck it away and forgot as he was gardening at the time. I also found a piece of think plastic and sandy like grains of powder on the bathroom floor, again he said it has nothing to do with him, he has cuts all the time and there's always bits of blood in the bathroom or on the floor around the house, I say that those small cuts look like they are on a vein but he says they aren't and I need to calm down cos I'm constantly on about it to him. I've checked his groin for needle marks too and found nothing, I check his phone and found nothing apart from one text, once, to a guy who he very occasionally buys methadone off if he can't get his script cos he's working. He gives me money if I need it, there has been no noticeable stealing, no needle findings for at least 6 months now, he never has pinned eyes, he doesn't disappear all of the time like he used to (and now we live together obviously I can keep a close eye on him) he chills in front of the telly with him he cooks me dinner he cleans the house if I'm working and he isn't, he doesn't always have work on, he loves working, he buys me drinks if he's got the money, he pays our bills (well most of them I help out too though) he never nods off or drools or looked spaced out or doped up, he's had a cheque in his wallet for at least a week now cos he hasn't bothered to cash it in (I feel this is relevant as it shows that he isn't desperate for cash like he used to be back when we first met) He always shares his money with me, if he gets paid from a job we usually split his earnings 40-60 and I get the more amount because I earn more money more frequently so I help out with the bills sometimes quite often and I treat him too. I've told him how I feel,but now it's ruining our relationship because I can't b happy when I'm constantly paranoid and accusing him and going on and on at him he's sick of it, and who can blame him. It's not always like this, but obviously with finding things the paranoia and worry is high right now,but it isn't always and we settle down into everyday life happy and he tells me sometimes if he's craved heroin that day as it's so rare he craves it now- so he says anyway I wouldn't know I've never taken drugs in my life I only know about it now because of him. He tells me he would never go back to that life because he hated it and he wouldn't risk what we have now. He tries to calm me down and say the right things but what can he say I always think he could be lying as addicts are good liars. I'm so sorry this is so long but I wanted you to get the full picture I love him so much I don't wanna leave him I wanna help him but I can't go on like this so thank you so much for reading your advice would be so much appreciated xx | ||
Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014
Posted: August 28, 2014, 4:29 PM
Welcome to the site
I'm talking as a recovering addict but there is a lot of people on here that will be able to help you with good advice. Here is mine: any addict can lie as good as the next person that are sober. You have the right to be paranoid but its sounds like he is really trying to stay clean and be the best he can be for you and him. Maybe it is best if you can go to one of the NA meeting for Addict families. They would be able to help you deal with the pain your bf caused as well as the distrust in him. you can almost make it a joined thing. It is possible that the guy that lived there found numerous places to hide everything. I was dumbstruck when my friend pulled stuff out of places I didn't even think of hiding when I was using. Take day by day, step by step and try to be there for each other. Good luck for both of you x | ||
Posts: 12
Joined: August 28, 2014
Posted: August 28, 2014, 4:56 PM
Hi Lily,
Thank you so much for your kind welcome and for taking the time out to read my story, your response means a lot to me as you are on the other side of things to me so your opinion is interesting as it's unbiased obviously my boyfriend is biased when he tells me he's not using lol. I'm glad to have seemingly found a website that seems helpful as the last one I went on (back when we first made the discovery in the new house) made me feel worse and although I wanted honesty it was quite cruel honesty. Anyway, yes I'm going to look round for meetings in my area as it might do me good. I'm trying so hard to think if he has relapsed then it's not the complete end of the world (it's how I see the situation most of the time) I don't sleep for worrying over it I sometimes think it affects me more than it ever affects him and more often! | ||
Posts: 11
Joined: August 28, 2014
Posted: August 28, 2014, 5:19 PM
I think in some ways you are doing the right thing. If my ex-wife had expressed concerns when I was trying to relapse instead of taking me to get heroin maybe I would have quit sooner, though maybe not. I think it is all in how you approach the situation. If you come across as "nagging" and paranoid it is harder to deal with on his end I am sure. If you can voice your concerns calmly when you find things like that and encourage him to discuss how you are feeling then you will probably find him more receptive and understanding. Understand that he probably hates that he broke your trust ant any point and any accusation makes a recovering addict feel like we still aren't doing a good enough job(or it can for me). Just know that it sounds like he is serious about his recovery and having you be a part of it. Also realize that he is very lucky to be with someone who is trying to be with him thru what I have to admit is a terrifying part of our life as addicts. Stay strong and be there for each other, and I am sure you will make it thru this with him clean and you happy:}. Good luck and God Bless you both:}
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Posts: 12
Joined: August 28, 2014
Posted: August 28, 2014, 6:09 PM
Thank you so much Caliban. Your words are inspiring. I know I shouldn't nag and moan and get paranoid but sometimes it's the only way I can express my emotions. When I find things I don't scream or shout I tell him calmly but I do accuse when I probably shouldn't. Sometimes I feel that it seems so obvious I don't want to fall for the lies again like I did when I first met him. I've done so much research and read books upon books on this drug now that I would be so angry at
Myself if I missed the signs. But on the other hand I often wonder if the signs are there but I am ignoring them because I don't want to believe it. This is what made me post my story on here. God bless to you too, you are doing amazing stay clean and stay strong x | ||
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Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014
Posted: August 29, 2014, 1:20 AM
Hi hi
You are welcome. I can't start to imagine how you feel and what you are going through. I am glad you will look into the meetings. I personally haven't gone to meetings as its difficult with my work shifts. But I know talking to someone that can help you through it will definitely help you. Sometimes reading up a lot can't always be such a good thing. It's good to understand it and sometimes you get an insight to why some prefer that drug. But again all of the best and keep strong. Caliban its good to hear that you are on the road of recovery. All of the best for both of you x | ||
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Posts: 12
Joined: August 28, 2014
Posted: August 29, 2014, 4:50 AM
Yes lily you are so right sometimes reading up makes me believe things that might not be true, my boyfriend works building housing and other maintenance work so he always has tools and bits that are to do with that as does my dad so sometimes reading up make me believe things such as finding a bit of a plastic bag is a baggy when it might be. And sometimes reading the books I read other peoples battles with heroin make me paranoid cos it's on my mind a lot more. Xx
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Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014
Posted: August 29, 2014, 2:01 PM
Hi hi
May it would do you both good to go away for a couple of days and open up a bit towards each other. This might just be something that can make you both stronger in the longer run. You have done good so far and he has done excellent for giving you the space to question him frequently. If he was using it would've been a whole different story. Now is the time to build on your trust towards each other. Keep on writing on here or at least keep popping in Let me know if you want to talk more and I will drop you an e-mail address where you can contact me directly x | ||
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Posts: 11
Joined: August 28, 2014
Posted: August 29, 2014, 5:09 PM
I am glad something I said could be helpful:}. You are an amazing lady to stick thru this with him. You never need to feel bad about worrying for relapse, and when you continually find items that are used by heroin addicts there is only a certain amount of "coincidence". If it continues then yes I would say he is probably relapsing. Just encourage him to remain open with you about his cravings so you and he can learn his triggers and find activities that he can do to avoid them. If he is dedicated to his recovery and you then you should do well together. God Bless and stay in touch we are always happy to help support you while you are going thru this.
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Posts: 12
Joined: August 28, 2014
Posted: August 29, 2014, 5:53 PM
Lily I would love that, I need to talk and it's quite often so I don't want to annoy you, because I annoyed people on the last forum I was on, i found another piece of plastic that could be what it comes in in the bathroom just after he had been in there a while. He's going mad at me he can't take any more of my accusations and my constant talk about it he says I keep putting him down he said he try's so hard, I can't do this lily I'm at such a low point I need help badly I try and tell him if he's relapsed I'm here for him but he is getting sick of my accusations :(
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Posts: 12
Joined: August 28, 2014
Posted: August 29, 2014, 5:55 PM
Caliban please see my recent last post to lily. I am finding it so hard to cope right now. When does it stop! Four years. I've never done drugs in my life yet I am haunted by heroin. X
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Posts: 90
Joined: August 12, 2014
Posted: August 30, 2014, 3:47 AM
Hi hi
Here's the e-mail address lily202@outlook.com You can bug me as much as you like, I have a lot of patience ;) I think you both need to take to days and go stay somewhere even if its not far out of town. Then talk to him and say that you don't mean the accusations but you want to get through this with him. Just like caliban said you need to talk to him about his triggers and how you can help so that the triggers don't pop up. It's not just him that needs to recover but you too. You can send me as many mails as possible, I will always answer ;) Good luck x | ||
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Posts: 11
Joined: August 28, 2014
Posted: August 30, 2014, 6:33 PM
Same here feel free to mail me at Caliban1214@aol.com. As far as him not being able to deal with it you have to make him understand that it is his fault you have these concerns not yours and if he wants this relationship to work than he has to take the bad with the good. As for finding things that can be related to drug use, as I said before there is only so much coincidence in the world. Is he still taking drug tests? Does he offer to take a test when you are feeling uncomfortable to reassure. My child's mother has full access to my methadone clinic records so she can be reassured that I am maintaining my sobriety and it was my idea so that there would remain honesty between us. Don't feel like you are doing anything wrong because you did not choose the heroin he did, and if he loves you then he has to live with the fallout just like you did. Stay strong, god bless and feel free to mail me ok:} Much love to you both.
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