| post replypost new topic |
Posts: 2340
Joined: February 20, 2010
Posted: November 17, 2016, 9:54 AM
I'm an older memb here. Son drug addict (everything). Jail, prison etc, well he was paroled 7 months ago, since then he has violated some way or another 7 times and gone back to jail. He is 33 years old, and guess I'm here to say sometimes you just have to let go, period. Whether it's drugs or behavior, there is a component of just bad, destructive decisions my son makes. He came out of jail last week, first thing he did was cash a stolen check, then ripped us off of all narcotics in the house. We called parole officer and turned him in...so. HE IS MAD, yes read that again....I would like to say that I have hope, it's all drugs, there are miracles, but at a certain point there is also reality. Don't start enabling, that will be a lifetime of second guessing. Some will quit using, some will not and for those that don't, cut the dependence, it will only make you poor and sickly. I have been through all stages as a mother. Here, so I do understand, I also understand that I am only responsible for me.
| ||
Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: November 17, 2016, 11:11 AM
Momg--
You said it all! I have also been there and done all that! My son is 45 and has been an addict for 20+ yrs. Yes--I am probably the oldest one on this site--lol! We were slow learners, but we no longer have any contact with our son ,because he knows the game is over! He has been MIA now for 5 months. I pray for him everyday--that he will make changes before it is too late and although I have hope still, I feel he will probably end up being a statistic rather than a success story. I regret not having stopped the enabling craziness many years ago, but I can't go back--only forward. We didn't want to live like this anymore and didn't want to be "taking care" of this adult man until our dying breath! To all the enablers looking for support and guidance on this site--STOP now and make a plan to redirect, detach, and get off this horrible depressing merry-go-round before there is no reversing it! Read all the posts from families and addicts alike on this site. We all have the same pattern and it will destroy your life and your family if you don't put an end to your addiction--ENABLING!!! Lori | ||
Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016
Posted: November 17, 2016, 11:52 AM
Amen! I'm not very far behind you in age. Ready for some R&R.
-------------------- BUGS | ||
Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: November 17, 2016, 12:10 PM
Momg,
I'm not sure if you meant you're an older member because you joined back in 2010 or because of your age, lol. Anyway, if you've been a member here for over 6 years, I'm sure you've seen all of our stories over and over. I agree with you that sometimes it's just who they are and they'll never change. I've went to some community meetings in my town and they are adamant over the fact that heroin users start off by being prescribed opiates. Well, that was not the case with my son. He started out at 14 with weed and alcohol and then slowly progressed to whatever he could get his hands on. He is an addict through and through. He even had a short stint with scratch off lottery tickets. I know my son and truly, I don't know if he has it in him to change. I hope but I don't hold my breath. Thanks for sharing. It's helpful to hear others stories, even if they don't have happy endings. Michelle -------------------- Michelle | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: November 17, 2016, 10:44 PM
momg - thank you for sharing. sorry about your son. a friend of a friend's son had a similar track record - over a 10 year period spent about 8 in various jails, lived on the streets for a year, too.. a few months in between jail times. recently I heard he is out of jail, and getting a shot once a month and is doing well. I will update if I hear otherwise.
(I dont know what the shot (medicine) is called - does anyone know?) | ||
Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: November 18, 2016, 8:07 AM
If y'all want to have an age contest. . .I'm in. . .I may not be the winner. . .lol. . . but I bet I'll make the top 12. . . lmbo. . .i had J late in life. . .lol
Gentle hugs momg. I'm so sorry. Letting go and letting God is one of the hardest things to accept. It's even tougher to do. I know I wanted to feel useful. . .I wanted to stay connected to my child no matter how crazed she was or how crazy she was making me. And, I wondered and fretted whether I should have done more to support my girl's sobriety. . .during those time periods when she was sober. For me it came down to asking, "Self. . .what more can you do?" I think sometimes our addicts lies are their way to protect & love us. For example, J never told me she was literally homeless. I still don't know how long it was. But I think that she didn't tell me about this bc she didn't want to upset me or worry me. (She probably also knows if I knew I would have flown to FL & brought her tail back home quick, fast & in a hurry.) She also was MIA when she was on a run. Ok. . .the cynical jaded part of me says she didn't call then bc she didn't need me. But the softer side of me likes to believe she didnt reach out & touch me during these times to protect me from knowing she relapsed...or knowing how bad her addiction was. I am coming to believe that addiction is the bubonic plague of our time. Smh Lynn This post has been edited by hurtingmom on November 18, 2016, 8:33 AM -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
|
Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016
Posted: November 18, 2016, 9:50 AM
Momg - -
I know exactly what you mean. You hold onto the hopes and dreams for so many years but one day you have to accept the reality. Enabling becomes a habit that has to be broken when you realize that it isn’t helping anyone. That was what eventually helped me to detach completely. I had a vision in my mind of who my son was, maybe based on him as a child, what he told me, or the person I wanted him to be. (Love is blind?) I think it was a complete fantasy and my mind was playing tricks on me. For some reason, I thought he was nicer than he really is and maybe even believed things that happened were not his fault. The fact is that he is abusive, a criminal, a danger to others, and a really frightening person. I think he has permanent brain damage from using drugs and uses everyone to get what he wants. What I was seeing in my mind was not reality. Strangers would tell me things like "my son would never talk to me like that" and they would look at my son like he had two heads. I would just put up with it. I would see other people interacting with their grown sons and their children were so respectful and independent….so normal. They treated people with respect and kindness. One day I saw my son the way others saw him and realized that he really isn't very nice. Maybe it is because of the drugs and maybe not. Either way, he is not someone I would EVER choose to associate with if we were not related. I would immediately run the other way. I guess he had been this person for some time and my vision of him was not reality. I would like to think that the drugs changed him and he will morph into something better when he quits, but I am not so sure it works that way. I hope he gets his life together, but I can’t be part of the madness anymore. There is so much good in life that I should not be forced to endure the bad. I can choose happiness because my life is my responsibility. -------------------- BUGS | ||
|
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: November 18, 2016, 2:40 PM
bugginme - thanks for sharing, I hope it helps to get some of that off your mind... I understand how it is. I used to call it my "Rose Colored Glasses" seeing the good in the situation, overlooking the bad parts.... my son is not horrible, but I do have those thoughts cross my mind -- example when he neglects to pay his rent and then acts like its the landlords fault, and talks as though he does not owe the landlord rent -> "too bad, he cant kick me out. he's an a*hole... he doesnt need the money" etc.. what gives my son the thought that he signed a contract and lived in someone's home for 3 months and he does not think he should be obligated to pay rent? It is different thinking from mine and not a priority for him.
I think some of us are at a disadvantage when our kids start using. at first when I started wondering what was going on, spending too much money when he was working. I would voice to friends, but none of us had experienced this, so we did not know it was drug use. We were thinking gambling, parts for his car, stupidity, using too much gas driving friends around, we asked about drugs, he easily denied it and was beleivable - he was working 7 days a week, getting up at 4 am - how could he be on drugs.... I even asked if he was supporting a secret family some where... ! | ||
|
Posts: 2340
Joined: February 20, 2010
Posted: December 10, 2016, 12:29 PM
Couldn't find this post so I did a new one, then found this. Old? Old as in age and experience. Lol so I reposted basically the same thing
| ||
|
| post replypost new topic |