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Posts: 17
Joined: September 4, 2018
Posted: September 21, 2018, 10:21 PM
My son will complete his 30 day treatment this weekend. I am beyond scared and nervous for him to go back to his apartment alone. He calls every night and sometimes I get a different feeling but then others I feel he hasn't changed. We have tried suggesting going back to his apartment alone is not a good decision but he won't listen.
I am not sure how to set boundaries. It feels like when he gets angry it triggers him but he can't always have things his way. I can't always be picking up the tab on everything. He says he has made contacts and friends so that he can reach out to them to do things with.... but then when I ask if he will he doesn't answer.... I know this is his life, his choices and I have to let go. However, I know that I will be the one getting the call that he is miserable, lonely, slipping or relapsed. He can't go back down that road again because I don't think his work will put up with it again. He will start IOP the day after is discharged from the treatment center so at least he has that 3 nights a week for some support. Just really worried about Friday, Sat, and Sunday.... Praying that he will go to AA meetings and do things at sober gyms,etc. Any advice on setting boundaries, avoiding anger, etc. | ||
Posts: 29
Joined: August 13, 2018
Posted: September 22, 2018, 9:43 AM
I am sorry you are consumed with this. I think there's another thread where you express similar concerns. Might I ask what his age is? Is he, and has he been an independent adult? I am wondering as I am looking for some glimmer of hope in the picture you paint and to better offer up advice. The IOP should be a good thing...there are some good professionals there and it requires time and effort. I hope for the best for all. I am a parent and an alcoholic with extensive experience with drugs as well so I have thoughts on both. Addiction, for me, is never ending and there have been a number of "bottoms" for me, each lower than the last...a reality I never thought possible. Getting sober is hard, staying sober is harder, but it can be attained. Thinking of you all, for real
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Posts: 17
Joined: September 4, 2018
Posted: September 22, 2018, 2:44 PM
My son is 24. He has lived alone now since the girlfriend left for a few months. Has a full time job and pays his rent, etc. It is not easy since he is on his own income now. He is feeling a crunch but that never stopped him from racking up his credit cards with booze purchases.
I spoke to his counselor. She said he uses his verbal anger in an abusive way to get what he wants. I know we have caved so many times to his angry voice for fear he would relapse. I can't go on like this though. We have a pile of bills now from the treatment center, etc plus our own issues just from owning a home- things break down, cars don't pass inspection, etc. He never wants to spend his money. Always expects us to pay for his incidentals like the cost to board his pet or his medications since he is tight for money. Any advice would be helpful. He lives across many states so he has no family or friends. | ||
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Posts: 29
Joined: August 13, 2018
Posted: September 22, 2018, 3:31 PM
I am a parent of a 23 year old. I've always believed that respect is not ascribed; it's achieved. You have every right to demand it as a baseline for any discourse between you two. I'd advise that be the minimum you demand and are willing to reciprocate as well. Intimidation of any sort will not be tolerated. Don't allow for the displacement of power in the relationship to invert based on this, ever. It's insulting to you and he should be better than that. You are the parent. He is at a very difficult crossroads...one that will either establish a foundation for a healthy life or lead to complete destruction. If he's an alcoholic/junkie (term used with 0 moral judgement whatsoever), he will end up unemployed, in jail, or dead eventually. As for money, I'd reserve paying anything for a while....that's tricky, I know. As a parent, I wouldn't want any additional stressors especially where care is concerned to contribute to a relapse. You are not responsible for any relapses by the way. I think he's in a different state, but you have every right to trust, but verify if you choose to....somehow manage a urine/drug test through his IOP. That might get complicated as he is an adult, but a waiver might allow for this type of information to stream to you.
You deserve to be protected; the good news is that in doing that to the best of your ability, you are also doing the right thing by him. I'm a man with a son, but I have always tried to lavish love on him and explain why I make decisions that pertain to him rather than relying on the autocratic default that I'M THE PARENT. Again, rooting hard for all of you This post has been edited by Cordeliatolear on September 22, 2018, 3:33 PM | ||
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Posts: 29
Joined: August 13, 2018
Posted: September 24, 2018, 9:41 AM
Hoping it was a positive launch!
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Posts: 17
Joined: September 4, 2018
Posted: September 24, 2018, 7:19 PM
Well, he did get himself into a predicament with someone he knew that relapsed but he said he didn't drink and said that he felt strong and good spiritually that it didn't bother him to smell it,etc.
Also told me that he threw away all of his other paraphernalia. We did facetime later and he seemed pretty good. I sensed a little sadness but overall seemed good. Then this morning he text me that he was very very depressed and didn't go to the gym. I said that once he gets to work he should feel better. I talked with him a little bit ago. He said everyone at work was happy to see him back. He sounded like he was better. He was upset over the cost of his prescriptions and I reminded him that they are no where near the cost of his booze/weed. I know he wants us to pick that tab up but I feel he needs to pay something. We offered to pay for his transportation to and from his meetings and therapy. I know money is tight for him but it is a result of him charging his booze all these years. Money is tight for us as well due to paying for the treatment centers, etc. | ||
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Posts: 29
Joined: August 13, 2018
Posted: September 25, 2018, 5:55 PM
I'd be apoplectic that he was hours out and with someone who relapsed, mainly that he was in the perfectly wrong place. Glad he got through it. Sounds like everything else is going well. I hope he has some goals that he's passionate about....just about any can't be achieved by an alcoholic/junkie while using. Again, best with it all
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Posts: 17
Joined: September 4, 2018
Posted: September 25, 2018, 8:49 PM
Really nervous.... The last I heard from him was this morning. I sent a text about 2 hours ago and no reply. I don't want to be a nag. Usually when I received no answer, it meant relapse. Praying that didn't happen. He has IOP tomorrow night.
He sounded so strong on Sunday night after dealing with that person that relapsed. I hope he wasn't lying to me. He didn't look like he had been drinking when we facetimed. He was smiling and seemed to really be focused on recovery. I just don't know what to think. I have to let go but it is easier said than done | ||
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Posts: 29
Joined: August 13, 2018
Posted: September 26, 2018, 12:52 PM
Really rooting for some good news here. My wife KNEW, every time, if I'd even had one beer....even on the phone. That's not to say he doesn't simply need some space either. Keep us informed if you can.
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