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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: November 15, 2016, 8:00 AM
In my ranting & raving to the recent Philly Rehab snake oil post, I read the original post from 2005(?). I LOVE "What Not to Do." BUT this may be more positive, softer & easier to digest, especially for newbies. Your thoughts?
Smooches, Lynn (I didn't want to bump up. . .glorify. . .or otherwise call attention to that snake oil ish, so I copied & pasted the original post here. Thanks to CynicalOne for posting way back when!) ****************************************************************************************************************** 10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem By Ed Hughes, MPS The pain and suffering of addiction is not limited to the alcoholic or drug addict. Family members share a tremendous burden as well. Shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger, and frustration are common , Everyday feelings for family members concerned about a loved one�s drinking or drug use. In most cases, the family has endured the brunt of the consequences for the loved ones addiction, including the stress of worry, financial costs, and life adjustments made to accommodate the addicted person�s lifestyle. Addiction leads the addict away from positive influences of the family. The disease twists love, concern, and a willingness to be helpful into a host of enabling behaviors that only help to perpetuate the illness. Family and friends are usually very busy attempting to help the alcoholic or addict, but the help is of the wrong kind . If directed toward effective strategies and interventions, however, these people become powerful influences in helping the loved one �hit bottom� and seek professional help. At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful consequences of there loved one�s disease and cease their enabling behavior. Here are 10 ways family members can help there loved one and themselves: 1) Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction . Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA meetings, and Alanon/Naranon. Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial . Only when we understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to respond to its symptoms more effectively. Realizing that addiction is a progressive disease will assist the family members to accept there loved as a �sick person� rather than a �bad person.� This comprehension goes a long way toward helping overcome the associated shame and guilt. No one is to blame . The problem is not caused by bad parenting or any other family shortcoming. Attendance at open AA/NA meetings is important: families need to see that not only are they not alone in there experience, but also that there are many other families just like theirs involved in this struggle. Families will find a reason to be hopeful when they hear the riveting stories of recovery shared at these meetings. 2) Don�t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them experience the full consequence of their disease. Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be �loved� into recovery. Recovering people experience a ins�hitting bottom.� This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It has been said that �truth� and �consequences� are the foundations of insight and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing addicted persons from there consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realized. 3) Don�t support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict. Money is the lifeblood of addiction . Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use . Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help. 4) Don�t analyze the loved one�s drinking or drug use. Don�t try to figure it out or look for underlying causes. There are no underlying causes. Addiction is a disease. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others . This �paralysis by analysis� is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself. 5) Don�t make idle threats. Say what mean and mean what you say. Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or addict . Rather �actions speak louder than words� applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the addicted person. 6) Don�t extract promises. A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they don�t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments . Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one. 7) Don�t preach or lecture. Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person. A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation . If an alcoholic or addict could be �talked into� getting sober, many more people would get sober. 8) Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger. These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one. For a given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount-or more-of pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides. This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members�they get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack from those decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity . The family then does not follow through on their decision to not enable. 9) Don�t accommodate the disease. Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family�s home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting one�s work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning one�s day around events involving the alcoholic or addict. 10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities. Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one�s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned . Each of these suggestions should be approached separately as individual goals. No one can make an abrupt change or adjustment from the behaviors that formed while the disease of addiction progressed. I can not over-emphasize the need for support of family members as they attempt to make changes. Counseling agencies must provide family education and programs to share this information. They must offer opportunities for families to change their attitudes and behaviors. The most powerful influence in helping families make these changes is Al-Anon/Naranon . By facing their fears and weathering the emotional storms that will follow, they can commit to ending their enabling entanglements. The disease of addiction will fervently resist a family�s effort to say �no� and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited in an effort to get the family to resume �business as usual .� There will always be certain family members or friends who will resist the notion of not enabling, join forces with the sick person, and accuse the family of lacking love. This resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family to overcome. Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the alcoholic or addict. Being truly helpful is what these suggestions are really about. Only when the full weight of the natural consequences of addiction is experienced by the addict- rather than by the family- can there be reason for hope of recovery . This post has been edited by hurtingmom on November 15, 2016, 8:10 AM -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
Posts: 64
Joined: February 3, 2015
Posted: November 15, 2016, 9:10 AM
Thank you!
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Posted: November 16, 2016, 6:11 PM
I was feeling a little lost today again thinking what of should of could of. with the holidays approaching, and today losing a cousin I wish I could speak to my son. But he is lost to me forever I know this in my head my heart hurts so much so days and no one to tell it too. Burried deep inside.
Thank you for this keeps me strong.. xxxxxxx | ||
Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: November 16, 2016, 9:09 PM
Helplessness-
I have those days too. No matter how strong we are and how angry we get it still comes around every now and then that I will be missing the son I used to know. I really don't like or want to be around the son he became. I didn't even know that person. Today I lost a dear friend to a stroke at age 53 and I was sad and missing my son and what it could have been. He has been MIA for 5 months. Last I knew he was living in his truck with two chihuahuas and had nothing. He probably has sold his truck because his ex GF said he is no where around the town they lived in and his phone and FB is disconnected. I pray everyday for him to turn his life around and that he will give his life to God. He is so lost and only he can change his path. It is so hard for us moms to stop being enablers even though we know that is wrong,but also cut our kids out of our lives like they don't even exist. I struggle with that all the time. Feeling emotional today--Lori | ||
Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: November 16, 2016, 9:36 PM
Sue,
I'm sorry. I know how hard the holidays can be. Just know that deep in his heart, your son knows that you love him and he loves you too. I hope and pray for all of our addicts and for them to choose recovery. Enjoy the rest of your family. Hugs, Michelle -------------------- Michelle | ||
Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: November 16, 2016, 10:34 PM
Hi Sue and Lori, Just want you to know I'm thinking of you both and hope you hear from your sons soon. I'm sure it's hell what your going through. ((Hugs)) Mary💜
Shell..Hoping your son does good in the new drug rehab/ treatment program. How is his frame of mind about going? I hope he gets a new perspective on his life from time spent there and gets ready to fight like PapaBear to keep it once he gets out. Hope your doing good! ((Hugs)) Mary💜 This post has been edited by Mandm on November 16, 2016, 10:55 PM | ||
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Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: November 16, 2016, 11:25 PM
Mary,
My son is being released from jail on Monday and being taken to the rehab facility. I wish I could say that he has a good attitude but it's not quite that. He's already coming up with all the reasons that he will fail (of course none will be his fault). I'm sure some of it is fear of the unknown. Time will tell if he wants to chase recovery like he chased heroin. I'll keep you updated on how he does. I hope your daughter is still on track. Your friend, Michelle -------------------- Michelle | ||
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Posted: November 17, 2016, 7:46 AM
Girls,
You are like a life line, thank you all. Duchness sorry to hear about your friend, my cousin was 56 massive heart attack :(. God choses who he wants when he needs them. Some days it would be easier if my son was with god, but at the moment he is still riding that devil of addiction. Shell, Hoping for the best for your son. I hear you about the reason for failure. J always had an excuse every time he was in rehab.Use to get mom I am sober I am doing it. I am following the 12 steps, I am in anger management classes. I am keeping him in my prayers that he is stronger! Mary, how are you doing? your daughter? If I don't speak to you all before Happy Thanksgiving!!! xxxxx love and prayers.. Sue | ||
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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: November 17, 2016, 8:42 AM
Y'all have been more than a lifeline!!! I've come here & felt like Rose in the movie "Titanic". . .holding on to that door in the middle of the black, cold ocean. . in the middle of the night. You all have been more like that row boat that comes along! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Lori - I know in some ways how you feel re your son. It will be 3 months on the 29th since I've talked to Jill. Not hearing your child's voice is a special hell. I don't know any words to soothe your pain or ease your mind. I am sooooo sorry. Here's a hug. . . And here's another hug for Lori & Sue. I'm sorry for your losses. It's okay to be weepy and feel some-kinda-way. Everything we do to not enable/detach with love is contrary to our natural instincts as moms. This s**t hurts. Dreading the holidays? Dreading the holidays? Personally, I'd like to crawl in a hole & stay there until January 5th (by that time all the Xmas decorations should be down.) The words "merry" and "happy" weren't being used regularly since J's first OD in July. They've been wiped out of my vocabulary all together effective 8.29.16. I normally write a Xmas letter. It is light & comical but does tell you about our year as a family. Folks look forward to the letter. This year I decided it was going to be from the dog. I started to write it. . .I got to the 4th paragraph and realized everything was about J & her addiction. And I was talking about the period from January to May. And the letter wasn't light & happy; it was sober. So I scrapped it. No letter this year. "Nough said. . . Can y'all say a prayer for me . . .that I make it through the holidays? Please & Thanks!! Mwah Love & prayers, Lynn This post has been edited by hurtingmom on November 17, 2016, 8:43 AM -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
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Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: November 17, 2016, 9:39 AM
Oh Lynn, I can't even imagine how terrible the holidays will be for you. If I were you, I would say piss on it and not even go into a store or turn on the TV until after it was all over. I can barely tolerate all that jollyness as it is. Don't feel like you have to appease everyone else and do your holiday letter. If everyone can't understand, then they need to be taken off your list anyway. You just do whatever makes you feel ok. This year, it's about you.
Love and hugs, Michelle -------------------- Michelle | ||
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Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: November 17, 2016, 10:26 AM
Hi Lynn, I agree with Michelle! I wouldn't even send cards, to hell with how people will feel about it. If anyone expects anything from you then their not true friends to begin with. Christmas and Thanksgiving will be very hard for you. My mother died on the 15th Dec some years ago. I remember I went through Christmas in a daze. I'm sure you will be much worse. Don't put pressure on yourself to do anything. Sit this one out and let people do for you. ((Hugs)) Mary🌺
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Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: November 17, 2016, 11:21 AM
Lynn-- yup the Christmas time is difficult and I have my 15 y/o in a wheelchair to help over the holiday. Really difficult because I feel like I am wearing a fake smile when I am dying on the inside but I will make it special for him no matter what.
I am sending you a BIG HUG and praying for some peace over these next few months. Do whatever makes it easier for you and your hubby! You are always in my thoughts! Shell--I am praying your son wakes up and gets it right when he gets out of jail. No more excuses--as Nike motto says--JUST DO IT! lol Yes--holidays are tough but we are stronger and we moms can do this! Hugs to ya all!!! ( I live in Florida and that's how we talk haha!) | ||
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Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: November 17, 2016, 11:33 AM
Lori,
Yes, I really hope my son sees this as a chance to make his life different. I wonder though, because it's still court involved, if he doesn't just see it as a different form of jail. Well, he has the opportunity to do this and have no felonies on his record or he can fail this at any time in the next year and he'll go right back to jail. Either way, it's a win win for me (at least temporarily). I'll keep you all updated on him. Thanks, Michelle -------------------- Michelle | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: November 17, 2016, 11:07 PM
Ladies, LOL - You make me laugh, even through our sadness.... and the dumb holidays we are about to face... I found myself chuckling... I have Always disliked the holidays... always wished I could go to sleep in November and wake up in January... Like Lynn said - january 5th sounds like a good date. one year I took vacation from work during the week After Jan 1st --- best week ever - husband at work, kids were at school - had the whole week to put the decorations away and clean up the house. Had to laugh about the letter.... sorry.... no one would expect you to write a letter about this past year. maybe a sweet card will do... (or nothing at all - thats fine!)
Reminded me of this year's thanksgiving pot luck lunch at work... one of our chief officers said she asked an elderly board member who has retired, he is about 80 yrs old, to write a thanksgiving blessing she could read at the lunch. he used to write inspirational blessings and even has written a book of blessings. She said the blessing turned out to be too sad and uninspirational... she was unable to read it to us! LOL ! I am having a small amount of people over for Thanksgiving, but going away for Christmas!! Yah - probably wont even decorate!! mwahhaha. | ||
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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: January 18, 2017, 7:22 AM
It seems like I've been reading a lot of posts from spouses, parents, loved ones looking for ways to help their addict. So, I thought I'd bump this in the hopes it may help.
Sending hugs to all! Lynn -------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
Posts: 58
Joined: January 9, 2017
Posted: January 18, 2017, 11:39 AM
yes, this is a must read . Sharing it with family.
Thank You * Week two of pregnant daughter on suboxone. Snail pace but still looks positive .... jeff | ||
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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: February 6, 2017, 7:47 AM
Bump . . .
-------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: March 17, 2017, 8:25 AM
Bumping this too
-------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
Posts: 243
Joined: August 18, 2016
Posted: March 17, 2017, 8:47 AM
You beat me to the bump!!!!! Lol
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Posts: 640
Joined: April 4, 2016
Posted: April 12, 2017, 9:25 PM
Bumping this up.....
-------------------- I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun. I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair. But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more. In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved | ||
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