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Posts: 9
Joined: October 15, 2007
Posted: October 15, 2007, 8:38 PM
Had my big appointment today. Blood work, EKG, interviews, the whole shebang, Met my doctor and found out all about the Suboxone program. I am feeling very strange about all of this. I want so badly to be released from my monster of addiction but my fear of my depression and anxiety is making me panic a bit. I hope that I can find the joy in my life again, that I can learn how to be human again, but I fear that I may be shooting too high with these wishes. I begin induction on Wed and I am seriously fighting the urge to get really really high because I know that it's over. I hope that I can make it through. I am so close now. I feel good knowing that I have, like, 5 people to call if I am having trouble, but I am still worried. The urge to lie and hide things is very strong, I have promised myself to be completely honest throughout this process but I keep worrying that I will decide to lie for no good reason. Old habits die hard, I guess. The countdown is on.
Edited to add my intro from the PP forum... an intro of sorts: I am a 30 year old mother of an 8yo girl and a 5yo boy. Full time student. Happily married for 11 years. For my entire life I have suffered from chronic depression, which after the birth of my children began to cycle at an increasingly rapid pace. I tried every antidepressant on the market, they all had tons of side effects, but my depression remained the same. As things got worse and worse I began to experiment with opiates. Amazing! I was feeling great, tons of energy, and life was great. For a while. And however many years later, here I am. Having the worst depression of my life. Doing waaay too many pills just not to get sick. At the end of my rope. My husband is fed up. My kids miss me. I am not doing well in school. I am ready to be done, but every time I quit I get suicidal. Panic Attacks. Nonstop crying for days on end. Puking. The bottom line is, I have been looking for help with my depression for so long, and I know that the depression is what led me to my opiate use/abuse. There is tons of research out there that says that Sub can have a tremendous effect on treatment resistant depression as well as helping me with my opiate problem. I kind of feel like this is my last chance or something. I have tried so many things. This feels like hope. The program consists of 3 visits a week; 3 urine tests, 2 counseling visits, and a treatment visit to assess medication issues and such. My program will be one year at minimum (with the counseling, urine tests, and treatment visits) and possibly lifetime maintenance (medication only), we'll just have to see how it goes, and how the suboxone affects my depression. If that can go away I will stay on forever! All of the people I have met so far at the clinic have been incredible, inspiring and hopeful. I didn't get any of the attitude that I was expecting (who knows why I thought that?) I am truly hopeful for the first time in a long long time. This post has been edited by solstice on October 15, 2007, 11:10 PM -------------------- I am ready to be well.  | ||
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Posts: 9
Joined: October 15, 2007
Posted: October 17, 2007, 12:47 AM
I have made a promise to myself to track my progression through this all here in this journal.
Today was my last day before induction. I took about 20 Vicoden (all I had) in the hopes to get high one last time. It didn't work, but at least I wasn't sick... My induction is tomorrow, as I said, and I am feeling really strange about it. So hopeful. So grateful for some help finally. But worried, too. What if it doesn't work for me? What if I didn't wait long enough and I get really sick? What if I dissapoint myself? My husband? My team? My kids? I am so worried about failing again. I am so ashamed at what I have done to my life and to his. I have made him lie for me, spend money that wasn't ours to support my habit. I never want to do that to him again. I really can't believe that we let things get this far out of hand. And how I had to search and search for help. It was unbelievable. I am apparently too poor, too rich, too white, too well, too sick, too whathef***ever for them to help me. I am really grateful for the place that I have found. They are so kind to me. I really feel like they might be able to help us. I want help. I want to be well so so badly. I can almost taste it. Please let this help me because if it doesn't I don't know what we will do. How we will manage. I know that I can't live like this forever. I am on the verge of loosing it all. Myself included. -------------------- I am ready to be well. | ||
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