| next > | post replypost new topic |
Posts: 11
Joined: September 18, 2017
Posted: September 18, 2017, 10:58 PM
I just happened upon this website on a desperate evening. My son has been miss using prescription drugs for 3 years now. He was that top of the class. handsome, funny guy in high school. So respectful of me and his family. He started abusing prescription meds and I do not even know who he is anymore. Last night was the end of my trust. He has no job, can't get back in to college, wrecked his car and now is homeless because he accused me of pushing him down the stairs so he could go to the hospital to get more pain meds. I am devasted. As soon as he got out of the hospital he called me and I did not answer so he called his step dad and he told him I do not want to talk to him. He was so sad I would not take his call. It breaks my heart. I am scared because he has no where to sleep and I worry he will die. I do not want him to come home but I can't stop worrying.
| ||
Posts: 6
Joined: August 30, 2017
Posted: September 19, 2017, 9:40 AM
Does he want to want to stop using? I put my family through the same stuff when I was in active addiction. You're strong for having boundaries, and I commend you for doing what is hard so you do not enable him.
| ||
|
Posts: 11
Joined: September 18, 2017
Posted: September 19, 2017, 11:24 AM
Currently he does not want to stop using. He does not think he has a problem. He thinks it is everyone else that has a problem. Last night he called us at 3:00 am and was scared. He said that I had called him around midnight and told him to get on a bus and meet me at a restaurant. I made no such call to him as he does not have a working cell phone. He went to the restaurant thinking I was going to pick him up and take him home. I told him he was not thinking straight and to go to a hospital. It was very hard knowing he was waiting for me to go get him. I did not go but knew he had no where to sleep so I stayed up all night out of guilt. The hardest part is the worry and guilt.
| ||
Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: September 19, 2017, 8:19 PM
Welcome. I'm sorry you had a need for our forum.
In my opinion, you're doing exactly what you need to be doing, it's important for both you and your son, that you have boundaries that you stick firm to. That puts the ball in his court. If he cannot abide by the boundaries that you put in place for yourself and your home, then he can't be around. It's completely typical that he thinks he doesn't have a problem. My 31 year old son is a heroin/opiate addict. He has been homeless almost as much as not in the past couple of years and he still didn't believe that it was because of him or his actions. Your son is a legal adult and can make his own decisions but those decisions have consequences, as they do for all of us. It's not easy and it hurts but just "going along" with his life won't make him want to make any changes. He has to know and learn that the path he's on will take everything from him. You take care of you and your life and let your son know that his life is up to him. I encourage you to check out Nar Anon. Hugs -------------------- Michelle | ||
|
Posts: 11
Joined: September 18, 2017
Posted: September 19, 2017, 9:32 PM
Thank you. I am amazed that I made it through the day. I spent most of my day reading this forum and gained a huge amount of strength. There are no meetings for Narcotics anonymous in my area but I called an Alanon and they said they have many family members dealing with drug addicted children. I have to wait until Monday for a meeting. I pray that I can stand strong . He is texting me tonight saying he will get robbed or hurt on the street. My heart hurts so bad but I know that he is tryong to manipulate me. He knows that I love him more than life itself. I realize from all of the posts on here that I am not crazy for loving my son so much but I am not helping him by letting him come home and continue to abuse his medications. Thank you to all of you for making me feel like I am normal and my thoughts and actions are legitimate. (I do realize that my enabling is not the answer)
| ||
Posts: 185
Joined: November 2, 2016
Posted: September 19, 2017, 10:28 PM
I'm really glad you found us and are reaching out to Al-anon.
We have a hard journey to navigate. We all 'showed up' here feeling crazy, desperate and panicked (at least, I did. : )) Because of this group, I feel much better/saner/able to be there for others, even though my situation has not changed. Welcome!! | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: September 19, 2017, 10:52 PM
sorry to hear you are on this website. thank you for sharing. it helps to have a place to unload some of those thoughts in your mind. we have been there... fear, sadness, heartbreak.
your son sounds like mine (many of us will say that). keep reading, try to go to meetings. Meetings were the highlight of my week at one time. my husband and I went to Naranon meetings for a year. we would discuss our problem of the week on the way there and discuss our new strategy on the way home. my husband does not like to talk about it and will not talk to friends or family, so it was good for him to be able to talk and listen. 2014 a year of Long Distance Hell. He did not change - drug use got worse. totaled car #1. 2015 car accident, totaled car #2, hospital, rehab, sober living - 4 months, relapse 6 months, totaled car #3. 2016 Rehab, sober living 5 months, relapse, living w relative sober or 4 months. 2017 came back home - relapse - working full time. driving our old car. drug use getting worse. It does not end until they want to stop. unfortunately, any bit of help, helps them keep using. the only time my son barely admitted that he had a problem was at times he was homeless. currently he says he does not have a problem. its every one else. he's a victim of circumstance. and so on. Start learning to save yourself! This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on September 19, 2017, 11:15 PM | ||
Posts: 79
Joined: April 11, 2017
Posted: September 19, 2017, 11:38 PM
Ijgneedhope,
I admire you for standing strong. It gives me strength as my son has worn out all his options for places to live and since he has no job, once he gets kicked out of this place (and trust me, he will because he's been kicked out of 6 places in the past 6 months due to his abusive, alcoholic behavior and has lost all his friends and most of his family members), I have no idea where he's going to go. Those texts you describe...I receive those as well. And they are heart wrenching. Do you ignore them? | ||
Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: September 20, 2017, 10:10 AM
helpmeplease--
yes-- I ignore the text or any communication if it is verbally abusive or pleading, begging, etc. If you don't they escalate into a conversation you don't want and just stress you out and cause you more pain and heartache. I look at it this way-- when I take his calls or answer his texts--does it change the outcome??? MY answer is NO! My son only gets worse when I respond. I took a 6 month break from him and told him I would have no contact with him until Jan.2018. He has tried several times to contact us through text and calls. I have not answered and he sends nasty texts and calls us names and bad parents and uses nasty language. Makes me even more determined and reminds me that this is not my son, but a person created by and living with drugs. I still have hope and I pray everyday for him, but I now know that all my years of so called "helping" him was only delaying what he needs to do and that is change his own life by himself! Stay strong! ((HUGS))Lori | ||
|
Posts: 11
Joined: September 18, 2017
Posted: September 20, 2017, 10:27 AM
My son showed up at my house this morning stating he needed to take a shower. I would not let him in. I told him to use the hose on the outside of the house. He then stated he just needed a drink of water. I gave him a gatorade and a bottle of water. He is curently sitting in a chair in my front lawn. It is 9:30 am. I refuse to let him in the house. I text him and told him he needs to find a hotel and he needs to pay for it and if he does not look high I will drop him off or he can find a
drug program and I will drop him off at the program. I told him he had to leave before noon. Just sitting here stressed out waiting for him to leave. He did not even know what day it is and he said he had to sleep in a parking lot. I would be lying if I said it wasn't a relief to see him. But I will not let him in the house. My husband is very angry and I understand but I do not want this to escalate into a volatile situation so I have aksed my husband to please not confront my son right now. Just not sure the right way to handle this situation. | ||
|
Posts: 79
Joined: April 11, 2017
Posted: September 20, 2017, 12:21 PM
Lori,
Thank you for your advice about responding to my son's texts. I'm in such a bad place emotionally I told him I need time to heal and don't want to hear from him unless he's letting me know he found a job or is seeking treatment. I need to also plan for long term as well and I don't anticipate him seeking treatment any time soon. Hearing how you told your son you don't want to hear from him for six months is very helpful because my husband is telling me not to speak to him ever again and my friends are telling me not to speak to him unless he's getting treatment. Setting a clear period of time such as six months sounds more like something I could live with. This setting boundaries is so necessary to my emotional health, but it is extremely difficult. Ijgneedhope, I experienced a similar situation as you last week when my son camped out in my backyard. He'd been kicked out of his 6th place (he has stayed with friends and family) in 6 months and had nowhere to go. He's been abusive and isn't allowed in our house. He refused to leave my backyard and started screaming obscenities. I felt the same as you for a long time, not wanting to antagonize him or escalate the situation, but I'd had it hearing him screaming in my back yard and seeing the holes he put in the stucco of my house from moving chairs in a drunken stupor. I finally called the police. Right now he's staying with my niece, but I imagine it will be a matter of time before he's kicked out of there too. We are thinking of selling the house and moving into a guarded high rise apartment so he doesn't know where we live. It's absolutely heartbreaking...this used to be my sweet, thoughtful, loving, generous son. Now I don't recognize him. | ||
|
Posts: 11
Joined: September 18, 2017
Posted: September 20, 2017, 12:41 PM
We found out we can file an eviction notice with the courts and he can be physically removed from our property by the police if he shows up once the eviction has been approved by the courts. It will cost us $250.00 but it is well worth the money spent. It may take up to 30 days to be approved but we just started the process today. My husband and I are about to drop him off at an emergency room as he has stated that is the only place he will go. He told us not to go in with him so I am sure he thinks he can get drugs there somehow. I hope the doctors and nurses there can see past his manipulative behavior and do not prescibe any medications for him. It is sad that he is able to keep getting all these controlled sbstances legally . I guess I should realize that he will find a way to get them no matter what. I just want to get him away from my house as we have a 14 year old daughter that has been through enough with her brother. I am sure he will keep showing up until I have to have the police enforce the eviction once it is approved. I never thougth I would be the mother that had to evict her own son.
Thank you again for eveyone's advise. My heart does not hurt so much today. | ||
|
Posts: 11
Joined: September 18, 2017
Posted: September 20, 2017, 9:38 PM
Today was a tough day. As I said my son wanted to go to the hospital. I thought maybe he was seeking drugs but I really do not know why he went. I took him and dropped him off just to get him out of my yard. We dropped him off at 1:00 . I warned him that the hospital he chose is not on a bus route. He didnt care. I am sure he chose it because it is one of the only hospitals in the area he has not been to and does not owe money to. At 3:00 I get a text from him saying " they didn't do anything for me" . I did not respond. He then text that he is stuck there. I told him that I warned him it was not on any bus route. At 5:30 I get a text from him saying the police came and told him he had to leave. I am not sure why he thought he could stay there as long as he wanted to with his bags and belongings. He is not only homeless, but he has not showered and looks terrible. Very sad to see. He text me and said " where can I go? " I told him that he will have ot figure that out becuase he is not allowed on our property. He proceeded to text me how horrible a parent I am, he said nobody evicts their own child. He said he hated his life. I did not know how to respond to that. I am worried becuase it is night time again and I am worried where he may sleep or if he will die tonight. Does anyone else experience the worst pain and worry once it gets dark? If so what advice can you give to try to not worry so much and actually be able to allow yourself to sleep at night?
| ||
|
Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015
Posted: September 20, 2017, 10:09 PM
Yes, when my son is on the streets, it's hard to feel ok about being in a nice comfortable bed when he may be cold or hungry. The things that make me feel ok are that he's never once went to the shelter (because he wouldn't be able to take his drugs in), it didn't happen overnight that he ended up homeless, if my husband or I acted the way our son does then we wouldn't have jobs or a house or a car either. Your son can go to a shelter, he can call the closest detox or addiction center and get help with his addiction. There are options for him but he's not going to like any of them. It's a lot more comfortable for him to be able to live with you, on your dime, and do what he wants. As far as him saying you're a terrible parent, that's typical. We've all heard it...and worse.
Try and get some sleep. It's not winter out, he'll be ok. Hugs -------------------- Michelle | ||
|
Posts: 11
Joined: September 18, 2017
Posted: September 20, 2017, 10:40 PM
Thank you for that. He is now texting me pictures of him on the street (literally on the pavement) with his stuff homeless at 9:45 PM. I said I wouldnt look at my phone tonight but I failed. All the shelters are full here due to the hurricane, but you are right he can go to a hospital say ye has lost everything due to drugs and get in a program. The saddest thing about this is that he has health insurance and has met his out of pocket max for this year and the treatment would be covered at 100%. but I am too scared to tell him he met his out of pocket max because last year then he found that out he started to doctor hop so he could get more meds which they freely prescribed.
| ||
|
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: September 21, 2017, 6:48 AM
You can tell him to go to treatment center without telling him all of the insurance details. If you want to help, call the treatment centers, find out the details, once you have the green light that a center will accept him, give him the info. "you can go here or stay on the street" a few times my son was open to that. after being homeless for a week or two he would be open to treatment. the last time, he was homeless a year ago we kept saying "go back to the sober living, they will help you" but he did not go back. We felt like we were helping bc we were able to give him a legit alternative to living on the street. It was his choice to stay on the street or go to treatment.
At this point my son is living near home. has a full time job. but is still using something. we don't know what, where, when, but we know he spends thru his $$ in less than a week after getting paycheck, and then in week two starts asking us for gas $$. we are also (unfortunately) letting him use our old car. he was supposed to register and pay his own insurance, but has not yet. One might read this and think - that's great - he has a job - but it is still the same dysfunctional problem. us trying to change his behavior and put out the fires without enabling, but we think it is important for him to work, so we don't want to cut that off - I know it is a result of HIS actions.... it is just more complicated when they are half in and half out of addiction. same problem, different worries. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on September 21, 2017, 6:57 AM | ||
|
Posts: 11
Joined: September 18, 2017
Posted: September 21, 2017, 9:03 PM
Thank you. That last post helped a lot. Of course every day there is something. He text me this morning at 10:30AM and asked if I could pick him up and get him something to eat, he said he hadnt eaton sonce yesterday. I told him "no" and gave him the address to a local church that feeds the homeless everyday. I think it upset me more than him to tell him that. I felt myself getting angry. I was angry at him for putting me in the postion of having to tell him "no" I would not feed him even though I knew he was hungry. It goes against every motherly instinct we are born with. I proceeded to tell him he was an addict and not the compassionate child and loving son I raised. I realized I was probably saying the wrong thing but I couldn't stop myself. I have blocked his number since that conversation just so I don't receive any text messages and I get out of control again. I am wondering if you have any suggestions on how I could have handled that conversation better.
| ||
Posts: 243
Joined: August 18, 2016
Posted: September 22, 2017, 2:34 PM
@needhelp. I am so sorry for the anguish you are going through with your son.
I am an addict in recovery so I just wanted to share with you what my family did when they stopped enabling me. Keep in mind that they never once, not even one time, slipped back into enabling behavior once they drew that final line in the sand. It still took me over a year to even begin to move toward recovery! This is definitely a marathon, not a sprint! Anyway, once they made the decision to stop enabling, the one thing they were very good at was holding the bottom line, bt doing it with love and positivity. If I called and had no place to go or was hungry, they would simply say "I'm sorry you are going through a hard time, but I know you can figure this out!" If I asked them advice about what I should do to get out of the mess I was in, thry would reflct back with "what do YOU think would be a good first step to solve the problem." They never asked if I was clean nor do I really think they cared. They were much more concerned with me not causing chaos, speaking to everyone with respect and taking responsibioty for my actions. Thinking back, I really have to hand it to them...it must have been hard to repeat these things over and over for a year, but somehow, some way, I started to hear them. Do not ever feel guilty for saying no, especially to an adult child. I remember those initaial "no" lessons witth my own daughter when she turned about two. No is not a owrd meant to hurt...it is a word used so our kids do not get hurt and do not hurt others. NO, do not touch the stove...No, do not hit your friends, NO, we do not call people names etc are all about teaching appropriate behavior. Saying no to an adult addict is about making them take responsibility for their actions and not hurting others. NO, you may not stay here because of past behaviors, NO, you will not curse at us or we will hang up, NO, you have to find your own food because you were unable to follow the rules..etc...just examples. Do not feel guilty for the NO's!!!!! You also have the right to live a life that is not focused on your addicted adult child. When my family stopeed enabling me, all of sudden they had no time for my drama. They were too busy going out to dinner, discovering new hobbies and taking vacations...It was then that I felt left out and alone enough that I started to invite change into my life. These are just some examples. Recovery is always posible, but it has to be up to the one addicted. Doing what my family did might not do anything for the addict in your life but it will give you some peace...peace you deserve! | ||
|
Posts: 521
Joined: August 28, 2016
Posted: September 22, 2017, 9:25 PM
lolleedee is right again as usual! Since disconnecting from my son and setting a 6 month break and only will I connect with him in Jan.2018 if he is in rehab or getting his life together and can demonstrate it, have I been able to have my life back and breathe again.
When he has tried to connect with us via text we have not responded because that is what I told him was the boundaries we had set! Yes-- it is hard to do but once you relent or bend or give in after setting your limits--then you have to start all over again because they resort back to their old tactics and it is just to emotionally draining and wears you down. Stay strong and once you say what your boundaries are and set your limits don't give in! Like lolleedee said it may take a year, but then what do you have to lose? Everything you have done in the past for however long has not worked or you wouldn't be on this site and in this situation!!!! Nothing changes if nothing changes!!! Best saying ever! (((HUGS)))Lori | ||
Posts: 1
Joined: September 23, 2017
Posted: September 23, 2017, 12:47 AM
Lolleedee and everyone, thank you so much for your wise words of strength. I just started reading these posts and I've really needed motivation to stand firm. Four weeks ago I told my 29 year old daughter she needed to find a new place to live. When she was high on meth she brought a strange man (another user) into our home to use the shower. She's relapsed before, but she's never brought someone here. I didn't feel safe in my own place after that so I asked her to leave. I'm thankful she left willingly, but now she is homeless and unemployed. I even changed the locks so she has no way in when I'm not home. It's hard to think of her struggling like that when I have a warm bed myself.
On the bright side, I feel freer than I have in years. I am not spending my energy trying to figure out a way to change her behavior, I'm not bargaining with her to get her to stay clean. She gets to decide herself what she wants to do, it's her responsibility now, I have passed that baton to her. I do notice though, that I usually only have one day's worth of resolve and then the next day I start to stress again. All her life I've been there for her, it is so hard to stop. That's where reading these posts helps me to not lose heart. Thank you. | ||
|
| post replypost new topic |