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Posted: September 3, 2009, 11:34 PM
Wow this is the first time im talking about my drug addiction, i dont know where to start.
I started starving myself, wen i was in Gr8, i had always had a problem with my weight, as long as i can remember. Ive always hated my body. I watched a film on bulimia and it planted a seed in my ever failing attemps to loose weight. Finally i decided this was what i was goin to do, out of desperation. I started taking thinz- weight loss tablets. i would take them for a week at a time and have uncontrollable binges in between. The family eventually foung out about my eating disorder, which was more anorexic than bullimic. I was put on meds - Lilly Fluoxitine, which im still on now.and had to see a psychologist every week. I hated it, i used to walk to her consultation rooms from school, which was about 3-4 km away, just to get some excersize in. The consultations carried on and the meds increased and i got worse, struggling to even cope with every day life. As a result of my bulimia, i fell pregnant. I was very insecure and very easily manipulated, and landed up sleeping with my best male friend at the time. We didnt practice safe sex and yet never had full intercourse, as i stopped it because i felt uncomfortable as he had just broken up with his girlfriend of 2 years. I took the morining after pill, but binged and puked the day i took the pilll. I ended up having an abortion, our friendship ended, and i started using cat to try loose the weight i had gained recently. I was using everyday during my preliminary and final exams. Eventually I met this guy who had recently been to rehab and was clean from drinking and drugs. I eventually stopped using because he meant alot to me and i felt ok with myself. I found out a couple months later that he was using behind my back. at this stage i was very anti drugs and we faught all the time. I eventually decided if u cant beat em join em. Which was the wrong thing to do. In short we dated for 3 years and he overdosed twice. It was an awfull experience and should have made me stop, but it didnt. I broke up with him after 3 years and became friends with my boss, as i started working in a cocktail bar. This led to me living the single life and partying for free as he always had more than enough money to supply the drugs for the night. It actually got too much, wen he wanted to keep goining and i knew i had had enough. I could say not then and stop myself. All the times i had used cat i could always say no wen i had had enough. The working environment involved drugs 24/7..... this is another story to get into but also not a great experience. I was also in my 3rd year of my degree and the work load was insane. I didnt have the energy to get things done, so i started using cat every now and again to get through my projects. I met this guy bradley who i fell head over heals for instantly, he was an old friend of my sisters back in the day, and we accidentally bumped into eachother at the bar i used to work at. we started seeing eachother on a very casual basis, I couldnt believe this guy was interested in me. I started using cat like i used to in matric, having a little everyday, to help me loose weight. I soon came to the realization that this thing we had goin on was not goin to develope into anything. I called the whole thing off and was a wreck for a couple days but got through it and told myself it was for the best. I still thought- wat if.... because we hadnt ended it on a bad note. One drunken night i decided to stop off at his house, and after that we started seeing eachother again, this time it was more official. We would do cat together. occasionally, but only 1 bag in a night. The sex was awesome and we grew closer. we are still together and happy. Been doing alot of drugs together lately and after our binges i would keep taking everyday just to get through a normal day. He doesnt know i do it as much as i do, but sometime i think he does know. Ive lost a great amount of weight - between 10 - 12 kg's and i cant stop taking cat because i know i'll put all the weight back on wen i stop. I know it sounds stupid, but if i stop for even a day i binge on junk food and im so self consious wen i see him. i dont want him to touch me and I act funny around him. Its also decensitised me, so i can enjoy sex wen im not high, I really want to stop but i cant im stuck in a rut. Ive been doing it for so long i dont think ill ever be able to stop | ||
Posts: 1828
Joined: September 22, 2008
Posted: September 5, 2009, 7:09 PM
First of all, welcome to the board. I am on the pain pills board but just popped in to check it out.
You took the first step and admitted that you have a problem. Now you need to ask for help. It is a sign of strength. Do you have any family you can go to? I'm quite sure that no one will be shocked. Sometimes we think no one knows but they usually do. They may not know exactly but usually know something is not right. Have you ever considered an inpatient facility? You have more than one big problem and both need professional help. It would probably be the best thing in the world for you. You do not have to live like this anymore. I had 11 months clean yesterday. My life was like paralysis. I couldn't go anywhere but down. In the meantime, check out the NA website or even AA. Both are very good for helping addicts. It's not easy but it works. You will learn to love yourself again. The first thing they will tell you is to stay away from people, places and things that trigger your using. Try telling your man that you want to quit and see his reaction. I highly recommend going to an NA meeting or pulling up some of their literature. Read through and see if anything sounds like you. It is not hopeless. You can change but you can't do it alone. Keep coming back and remember the pain pill board is very active. You can get some excellent feedback on there. They helped save my life. Good luck and remember you are worth it! | ||
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