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Posted: July 27, 2015, 7:30 AM
4 days off this dreadful stuff. Gonna go get some in an hour or so. Praying for major failure like heart attack. Can't live like this. Did depression test online today, from 54=severe depression, I scored 74. Thinking of suicide 10 times a day. No way out. I have not a single person in this country,no one I could tell this,no one at all. Just imploding slowly and horribly on daylee basis.
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: July 27, 2015, 8:41 AM
You are exactly like me in 1989. Sitting with a gun to my head.
My recovery began in a 90 day treatment in a recovery home then straight into AA/NA. I commuted to the 12 Steps and began healing/growing/being restored to sanity. When you go to your first meeting of NA or AA you will find a room full of folks just like you. You will not be alone. You will not be hopeless. You will not be different. There are millions of us in meetings around the world. Look up Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous in the phone book or on-line. Call them ........ you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: July 27, 2015, 3:57 PM
What Papa Bear said.....
I could not stop. One time was too many, A thousand never enough.... I hated myself. I tried to stop by myself at least 1000 times but nothing worked. I didn't understand. I was terrified. I destroyed my world. I hurt everyone who loved me. I didn't Love myself anymore. I hated myself. I went to treatment. They told me about this program...... 10 years ago I found N.A. I did what was suggested to me by someone who had something I wanted. Sobriety and A better way of Life. I didn't understand anything they told me. I was scared. But I kept coming back. I did what they asked, even when I didn't want to. I stayed. It took time. I didn't have any better ideas. Mine never worked. I stayed. I surrendered. I surrounded myself with those who could love me until I could love myself. I followed suggestions. One day at a time. Sometimes....one minute at a time. The obsession has been lifted. Life is different now. I am clean!!!!! I have people who Love me for who I am today. I am functional. I am honest. I have integrity today. And....I Love myself again. It works. It Really works! For someone like me..... Its the only thing that worked for an addict Like me. It works for millions of addicts around the world. Today.... Life is good. I pray for you. I hope you make it. Its up to you. Reach out and ask for help. Then follow up. No matter what. One day at a time. | ||
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Posted: July 29, 2015, 9:45 AM
The addiction of mine have been somewhat six years now. I'm not to be special,set records. Just an average case. There have been many before and many will come. There are things I'm here for that I can percep and those that have to remain hidden in order to work best. Intelligence is not a cure. My favorite writer said that. Nor is knowledge. But there is a feeling. It can somewhat be described as homesickness and thirst.and I just want to go home. Is that really too much to ask? Is it?
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Posts: 1906
Joined: October 23, 2011
Posted: July 29, 2015, 11:32 AM
Alcoholics Anonymous describes it as a spiritual disease and I have come to see their point.
Will power and intelligence are not beneficial .. in fact they are detriments to what is required for an alcoholic as described in The Big Book (like me). It takes many of us decades of suffering to come to that simple truth. All the best. Bob R -------------------- Serenity Prayer God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line: Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf AA's HOW IT WORKS: Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf NA's HOW IT WORKS: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf ---------------------------------------------------------------- --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. ---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. ... I need AA more than it needs me. --- I fight recovery tooth and nail.... I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural. ...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know. ---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it. Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it. --- I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure am having a long one ! ---Dry since 1989 working daily on getting/staying SOBER. ---If you want to drink, that's your business ...If you want to quit, that's AA's business. ... Tell me, I'll forget; ... Show me, I'll remember; ... Engage me, I'll understand. ---Most problems are psychological. Most solutions are spiritual . "If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego." --Richard Rohr WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do) | ||
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Posted: September 8, 2015, 10:37 PM
I see this horrible, all-consuming disease through the perspective of a sister. I have seen what depression and addiction can do to a person. It is a black hole that suffocates you and turns off the switch that makes you you. Whether it is here in this forum or someone you walk by, talk to them. Share your story, in this you will find support.
Here is what I know: Throughout this past year, I have witnessed a person close to me downward spiral from depression and addiction. No one really understands how debilitating and harmful depression and addiction can be until you have seen through or by your own eyes. Until I saw the sliced arms from knives he hid, until I saw the empty bottles of cough syrup, until I saw the letter he wrote to us, until I saw the vacant look with such soul-crushing sorrow in his eyes when he was in the hospital, did I see how ugly these two diseases are. I see the daily struggle he goes through to maintain his sobriety even when his depression is so utterly powerful.It manipulates his thoughts so that he thinks he should not eat or function normally. Everything he does is so hard for him to do, with that voice telling him not to do things or to hurt himself. By taking codeine, he feels that he is normal. He can actually feel something instead of the darkness. Fight the horrible negative self-talk. Depression is more cruel than cancer. At least you know where the tumor is and what type of cells are betraying you by multiplying so quickly your body doesn't know what to do with itself. With depression and addiction, no one can see the neurotransmitters in your brain not working correctly or the self talk that wants you to hurt yourself or end you life. Your body is betraying you,that evil chemistry in your brain. While I know I am rambling, please understand and know that you are not alone in this battle. We are here for you and to be alongside you in your time of need. Even if you don't feel like you can continue on or even budge an inch, you feel like you are sinking in black tar, just hold on, it will get better. Depression and addiction are such horrible diseases. I wish no one had to go through with this. You may find this to be a load of crap, but try to find something that you can hold onto for dear life. I am here if you ever need someone to talk to. I am a good listener. | ||
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