| < prev next > | post replypost new topic |
Posts: 30
Joined: March 25, 2015
Posted: March 26, 2015, 5:38 AM
Hi Millie/Cam,
Thanks so much to you both for your advice. I honestly believe this will help me more than anything else, talking to others in the same situation as me. You both have come so far and congratulations to you. Over the last few weeks my plan was to cut them completely with the help of the doc, maybe something to help me sleep or relax, as I did the cold turkey before and found that challenge too daunting for me but the doc advised against that and won't give me anything to sleep or relax ( which is probably a good thing). But yes, I do have my doubt's about the taper, will I mentally strong enough to be discipline enough to stick to the taper! I think you're idea sounds great Millie, about getting your husband to take control of your tabs, I'm a single parent and I would need my mam, dad, brother or sister to do that for me, and at the moment, I'm still so ashamed, that right now, I just can't ask them to that. My doc has referred me to a drug treatment program me, I'm expecting a call from them today, so hopefully I can get some good advice from them too. I think what we need to do, or at least what I need to do is, respect just how strong, mentally and physically, this addiction is! When I did cold turkey the last time, I was so cocky and so naive! On my first day leaving the house, I felt like a world beater, and it just took me to walk by one chemist, and I walked straight back to it and bought the N+. I didn't fully understand the struggle that came with these horrible things. I'm gonna stick to the taper, cutting by one a week, til I go back to my doc in 2weeks time, and then I'll discuss maybe speeding it up a little, maybe 2 a week then, but for now, we all just need to take one day at a time! Everyday clean day for you Cam, and everyday sticking to our taper Millie, is a victory! We can all do this, and go back to living our normal lives, free of this little monster xx This post has been edited by roro33 on March 26, 2015, 5:41 AM | ||
Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 26, 2015, 5:55 AM
Hi RORo,
I was hoping you would reply ((: I understand the shame involved in telling someone and I too felt humiliated both with my hubby and Doctor. But you said your mum n dad helped with the C/T . Sure they'll be disappointed to know your back on the pills but it will be a lot worse if a year down the line you are taking even more...... Being a single parent is hard work and it's not easy admitting when we need help - I know I never asked anyone . I lost both my parents when the were is their 50s and I've never really got over it . No one cares about you like your parents so try and take advantage of that and get their help. I know I couldn't do this on my own , it's just too easy to reach for the pills when things don't go well. I am no expert in any shape of form, I can only give you my opinion and what has been working so far for me. I too have thought about speeding the while taper thing up . However , like Cam said it's the mental addiction that's the real battle . Please keep posting and let us know how your doing - have a think about asking for help , I didn't expect my hubby to be so understanding believe me ! Lots of love Millie | ||
Posts: 165
Joined: February 17, 2015
Posted: March 26, 2015, 6:06 AM
Hi Roro,
Absolutely, talking about yourself, your struggles and your addiction is such an effective way to relieve yourself of your burdens. This is why I still like to post even now, because I know how powerful addiction is, and can be, and I know it is something to be continually worked at to ensure recovery is long-term. And don't second guess the power of over-the-counter codeine-based products. Codeine when ingested into the body is then metabolised and converted to Morphine. Morphine is used for strong pain, and whilst the amount of codeine is limited in Nurofen Plus, the simple act of consuming many pills, obviously increases the dosage amounts of codeine, and subsequently the conversion to morphine. N+ is definitely very addictive when taken for a length of time, and especially when the dosages are increased. Also, regarding the tapering process. It is of course helpful to consult with doctors and addiction specialists however always listen to your body and your brain. Only you can know what works for you best, and if you feel something isn't right, or something can be changed or altered, than don't be afraid to try something different. We are all unique in our physiology and what works for me, may not work for you, and what works for others may not work another group of people. Remember that! One final point of the sharing of our struggles and problems, including addiction with others. It was only when I decided to share my addiction with my family that I truly felt I had a chance to change my life. I had previously tried to quit on my own, twice, but both times failed, only lasting a few weeks. This time, everything has been different, including the developing of support frameworks, counselling, consultation with doctors and other physicians. My journey this time has been completely different because I chose to share my addiction instead of hiding it, which is critical, because the addiction itself causes us to be so secretive, deceitful and to do things we hate, such as lie. Consider your options, I understand not everyone can share these things with loved ones and family, if that is the case - consider other ways to share, through NA, counselling, other treatment programs, and of course, on here - this forum as well. As always - Stay strong, stay calm, stay vigilant! Cheers, Cam. | ||
|
Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 26, 2015, 11:26 AM
Hi Cam - I read through your blogs and they are really helpful (:
The one about depression/anxiety made complete sense to me in particular . I can't tell you enough how helpful you have been and I much I truly appreciate your time xxx | ||
Posts: 1
Joined: March 26, 2015
Posted: March 26, 2015, 11:07 PM
Millemac-
I have read the entire thread and you are in a pivotal point. The drugs are a symptom of what you're going through. You are definitely on the right track and that in itself is a miracle because many of those who try to stop using don't survive. Right now, today, it's a life or death issue. If medical issues are scary for you (as they are for many), why wouldn't the end result of death be the most important issue. My best ideas got me to a place of desperation and destruction. It was life or death for me. Yet I had all these 'concerns' and 'issues' that made the treatments I was being offered insufficient for what I felt I needed. What I needed was to not use. I tried time and again and was unsuccessful. I finally acknowledged that I wouldn't be self-destructing if my way worked. This did not make me happy. However, for one moment, I heard what someone said. I needed help, I asked for help. I went about finding help yet I wouldn't let the help help me. It was life or death but only on my terms. After years of doing it my way, I did it someone else's way and I stopped using and learned to live. It's been 10 years and life is still life. I'm not in a mental hospital, jail or in a coffin. My life is so far beyond anything I ever anticipated. I believe whole heartedly that you are in the process already. It's wonderful to read about. I wanted you to know that I truly understand what you are going through, so many people do. but when we come together in the spirit of helping and caring something incredible happens...we learn to live. If you run into people you know at a 12 step mtg, just remember that they are there for the exact same reason you are. My prayers are out there for your success at a new way of life. When you get to the other side of this challenge there will be someone put in your path that will need to hear how you did it, how you got clean. Some person out there needs you and will look to you for help. Stay determined and vigilant. You can do this. My one suggestion is DO NOT USE METHADONE! Suboxone is very different from methadone. I work in a detox facility and methadone detox is not only lengthy, it is horrifically painful. Suboxone, although it is also a narcotic, is a great way to ease withdrawal and very simple to taper and stop using when used correctly. | ||
|
Posts: 165
Joined: February 17, 2015
Posted: March 26, 2015, 11:13 PM
Hi Millie,
Oh cool, did you read them all, as I have about 14 posts up there now. If not, just go to page 2 and 3 and you can read more. Ryan's posts are good too, lots of content on there so check it out when you have some spare time. Hope you are doing well, stay focused on your recovery, and let me know if you have any questions about anything. Wise words from Pugthug, good post. As always - Stay strong, stay calm, stay vigilant! Cheers, Cam. | ||
|
Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 27, 2015, 9:43 AM
Hi Cam - I'll have another look , read about 6/7 so plenty more to go (:
Pugthug-thanks for your advice . To be honest I wouldn't even consider methadone or was I ever offered it. I've read cases where suboxone has worked but I've started on the taper and I'm determined to see it through. Congratulations on your ten years clean . It's encouraging to hear that you've got your life back at and are happier than ever . I have been visualising myself bringing in the new year when I'll have six months clean under my belt and how great I will feel to have won this battle. Your point about sharing our stories and helping others is sooo true. If you've read through all this thread you'll have seen what an amazing support cam has been for me. I post daily because it helps me gather my thoughts but also in the hope that when my journey is successful it will be here to help others . I read a great point on here ...As mothers we all say we would die for our kids but we have to decide to live for them ... I'm a choosing to live because my girl is my world and she and I, deserve the best me I can be. Lots of love Millie RORo - how are you doing ? Xxx | ||
|
Posts: 30
Joined: March 25, 2015
Posted: March 27, 2015, 10:16 AM
Hi MillieMac,
I'm doing ok. Not really feeling any change yet as I'm still on just one less than I was. Just feel generally low today. I do suffer from depression and have been on anti -D's in the past, I think I should be on them now probably, but doc won't give me any meds while I'm tapering. Like you said in your last post, about ringing in the New Year clean, I'm like that too, just want to fast forward a few months and see some real progress! But I know I have to be patient and vigilant, my thoughts are filled with this situation, I keep doubting myself "will I be able to stick to the taper" "will I just try CT" I'm chopping and changing with the wind! I'm so indecisive about what's best. I had a long talk with my family and I'm gonna give them control of the pills ( thanks for that advice MillieMac :)). I suppose for now just take one day at a time, trying to eat well and drink lots of water. How are doing today? Xx Hope you're doing well too Cam and thanks so much for all the advice :) This post has been edited by roro33 on March 27, 2015, 10:17 AM | ||
|
Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 27, 2015, 10:30 AM
Hi RORo,
Well done for involving your family ....I know that for me anyway involving my hubby was the only way (: I completely understand the constant ' changing your mind'. After initially halving my dose which was hard , cutting down by one hasn't had much of a negative affect so I have thoughts too that I'm kind of kidding myself about the whole thing! Like you I've always suffered from anxiety and depression and I found taking the n+ helped with both ...but as we now know the pills were only masking the problem. The sun is shinning today and I feel really good but I still have that nagging doubt in my mind constantly - should I just go cold turkey ???? BUT I talk it over with my hubby and his opinion is it's working so why change it ?? I know he's right in a way. For me it's it's the full blown bout of depression that comes with c/t for many that I fear the most . So.... I'm going keep going . Yeah it's going to takes a while but I didn't get into this mess overnight so I can't expect to fix it in a week or so. I'm a stay at home mum so I don't have the pressure of work but filling my days and thoughts can be an issue. So I'm taking steps to have a positive routine firmly in place to help my recovery and get these bloody pills out of my head. I'm so glad your posting , it really helps to know you know exactly what I mean ! I've been trying really hard not to worry about next week but just thinking that today I must stick to the taper ... Not easy but I try . Big Hugs RORo - we can do this together for ourselves and our girls Xxxxx | ||
|
Posts: 165
Joined: February 17, 2015
Posted: March 27, 2015, 10:05 PM
Hi Millie/Roro,
Day by day is definitely an excellent mental approach when managing your withdrawal and recovery process. Having small victories and making little achievements can also help your mental health and give you some much needed positive sense of purpose and direction. Keep reminding yourself that what you are doing right now is laying the new foundation for building "the house" (your new life) for the future. You want that concrete foundation to be nice and flat, strong, high quality, and most of all you want it to be set in the best possible way. These same properties are transferable to your recovery process. You want your recovery process to be stable and to develop into the perfect new springboard for the changes you are going to make in your life. Once you have built a strong and resilient foundation throughout your recovery journey, you are less vulnerable to challenges, and facing stress in your life. This does not mean you are bullet proof, but it does mean you have the strength to be able to dodge bullets a lot more effectively than you would have previously. I hope I'm not being confusing or losing you both with these metaphors and analogies, but sometimes they are a powerful way to convey the challenges and issues we face in our lives, including our addiction and recovery process. Also, one final point with your taper process. Try not to view your taper process in a negative way or as any different than tapering off another medication. Many people taper off anti-depressants, anxiety medication, and plenty of other medications that require reducing the dosage levels in the body. The reason for the differences in medications are meaningless in a way. What counts is that each medication can affect how a person reacts to that medication if they cease taking the medication abruptly. So the process of tapering any medication is to help the body adjust to the reduction in medication and the 'taking-away' of the medicine, in a controlled manner. Your process is exactly the same, reducing the dosage so the body can slowly adjust and rebuild back what it has lost since being on the medication. Don't forget that! As Always - Stay Strong, Stay Calm, Stay Vigilant! Cheers, Cam. This post has been edited by circa_85 on March 27, 2015, 10:10 PM | ||
|
Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 28, 2015, 2:37 PM
Hi Cam/RORO,
Cam, great post as always . The metaphors didn't lose me, but as you say it's a great way if looking at the process as a whole (: a foundation for a new life without pills . If I am being totally honest , I was a bit offended by the other post telling me not to take methodone . I actually read it a couple of times thinking that pugthug had meant it for someone else ....me methodone ??? I'm not a heroin addict on the street robbing people . It actually kept going over in my head last nite . I know I'm an addict but somehow had it in my head that this crept up on me and that heroin was more of a choice ... Well you have to choose to stick a needle in your arm right ? Well I actually feel ashamed of myself ....the fact is I'm lucky my life hasn't taken me down that path . An addict is an addict whether in a big house or in the streets . The fact that I had money at my disposal and didn't have to steal definitely doesn't make me any less sick or any less of an addict . Anyway , I'm still sticking to the taper and last nite was really the first nite I had trouble sleeping . Not sure if it's my body adjusting to the taper or my conscious for the thoughts above troubling me. On a positive the supplements I'm taking seems to be helping with the chronic fatigue during the day along with the fact that I'm in less than half the n+ I was taking . Not been a great day today , weather awful so been in the house a lot . I had a moment this afternoon when I thought . I" I'll take the rest of my pills now and just go to bed early ' thankfully I didn't do that . For me the key is definitely keeping myself busy. and my mind occupied . Even calling a friend for a chat about everyday life helps take my mind off the pills . I've had a couple of days where I felt really good and now I don't . That's life I guess , with or without pills . I'm not what I would call really depressed ( I know how that feels too well) I'm just low so I'm concentrating on the fact that just like the highs this won't last . RORo , let us know how you are doing please . Even if it's a bad day , we've all had plenty of those (: Cam , thanks again for caring. Love Millie x | ||
Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: March 28, 2015, 4:53 PM
Not all heroin addicts rob people, nor do they stick a needle in their arm. I never robbed anyone and the heroin worked when the pills stopped working. I never stuck a needle in my arm. It was be dope sick like you will get when you stop taking your pills, or get my fix. My body made the choice for me. Please don't be so quick to judge others decisions.
| ||
|
Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 28, 2015, 5:28 PM
Hi Girltoday
I'm sorry if I offended you or anyone else that certainly wasn't my intention . If I can refer you back to one of the paragraphs in my post please. Well I actually feel ashamed of myself ....the fact is I'm lucky my life hasn't taken me down that path . An addict is an addict whether in a big house or in the streets . The fact that I had money at my disposal and didn't have to steal definitely doesn't make me any less sick or any less of an addict . The main point I was trying to make was that I guess I didn't want to face up to how bad my situation is ... I certainly don't have anything but admiration for everyone on here who is trying to get well no matter what the drug . I am truly devastated at the thought of offending you . I hope you accept my apology and know now that it was not intended nor do I judge ,or feel I'm in a position to judge anyone. Love Millie xx | ||
|
Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 28, 2015, 5:39 PM
I would also like to clarify the point I made about choosing to stick a needle in your arm .
Just to be clear I'm am using these posts to records my feelings and thoughts throughout this process and to be honest they are a over the place ):What I was trying to say is , in my head I justified my own addiction by thinking that I never made a decision to take a huge amount of pills and become an addict it crept up on me. I was trying to explain that I now realise that it was my choice to take the pills just the same as if I had chosen to inject or snort and why I put a question mark at the end of my statement . Thanks for bringing it to my attention and allowing me the opportunity to clarify. Love Millie x | ||
|
Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: March 28, 2015, 6:41 PM
I'm not offended. Iv'e been called a low life junkie so much that that kind of stuff rolls off my shoulders. But other people might be hurt. After a while I felt like I didn't have a choice. I started taking pain pills for the same reason you did. They stop getting me high after time. Then I moved on to heroin. Then that didn't work any more. Then I went on methadone. Then I wanted out! Kinda like you do now. But thinking about the choices I had, I did have a choice and you'll know what I mean when you stop taking the pills. Withdraws suck! I never, never, never, could stop on my own. I tried, I would make it to like 3 days and cave. So I felt like to function I had no choice. I always had a billion excuses to get high and a million more to stay high. I had to pick my self up off the ground to get to where I am today. I had help. Lots of help from NA. Tapering never work for me cause I would always take more. What you doing seems to be working for you so far, so if that's your path, I wish you luck. Keep posting your thoughts cause it help soooo much to have a safe place to vent and you can help other people by telling your story. You are just beginning your recovery journey, you'll have a lot more s*** to deal with so get ready. Your gonna be tested by a powerful disease telling you to feed it. It's hard but can be done. You will need back up!
| ||
|
Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 28, 2015, 7:00 PM
Thanks for your reply girltoday ...I was literally in tears thinking that I had upset you or someone else on here .)),:
We all need each other . I read through your story and you should be so proud of what you've achieved , I can only hope that I am as brave. I've been praying every day . I know I need to really work on my thoughts ... I take everything so personally and destroy myself with negative thoughts . For example , your comment about my post . The sensible side of me knows that you were merely pointing out what I said could be taken as offensive but the negative side is screaming ... No one likes you ... Even on a faceless forum !!! Arghhh .....it's so easy to take things the wrong way and it's very easily done when we are not face to face and you can't see the emotion behind it. I really appreciate any advice from someone , like you , who has fought this devil and won . Lots of love Millie I | ||
|
Posts: 1059
Joined: August 11, 2012
Posted: March 28, 2015, 7:41 PM
Your true self hasn't been reviled in a long time cause the drugs mask your true self. Your gonna have lots of times where you think your not worthy and that the disease talking to you. It so powerful, taking over the mind and the body. Crazy how far it can take you. And if you piss a few people off so be it. Iv'e made more than one person mad on here and it's because I told them what they needed to hear and not what they wanted to here. I'm not here to give pats on the back. I'm here cause I can share my experance,strength, and hope. I share what worked for me and what works for me today. Don't ever give up trying to get your life back you are worth it!
| ||
|
Posts: 165
Joined: February 17, 2015
Posted: March 28, 2015, 7:51 PM
Hi Millie/GirlToday,
I see your point regarding pug although I see it more of providing an advice on a cautionary tale. It is difficult for you Millie right now to properly see things with the clarity and the right perspective, but that's all down to your withdrawal and recovery process. It is clear to me from our interaction that your heart and intentions are completely in the right place, there is no malice or judgement behind you, I can see that. Your point about an addict being an addict is too true. Whether your a high-flying executive with a daily cocaine habit or a part-time worker struggling with heroin, or amphetamines. The principle is the same, very much so. Some people in society do not see it that way though, and that is unfortunate. But despite this fact, this is why places such as Addiction Recovery Guide are wonderful, full of understanding addicts and recovering addicts who know all too well where we are, and where we have come from. And that is the beauty of this place. The process of sharing our troubles, our problems, and our addiction/recovery journey through discussion via counselling, via NA groups, on here, is in my opinion - a vital and critical requirement for long-term recovery. There is no mistaking the therapeutic benefits of freeing our feelings, emotions, and our thoughts. It is so powerful it cannot really be measured in some ways. Girltoday's point about being tested is truly correct. We are all tested on a daily basis, most of the time we pass these tests without thought, but every once in a while there are tests that are harder than we may have judged them to be - such as cravings, triggers, and feeling positive associations or fantasies about taking pills again or using again. It is in these times that we must prepare ourselves for, by building that foundation, that strategy to defend ourselves from walking down that path again. As Always - Stay Strong, Stay Calm, Stay Vigilant! Cheers, Cam. | ||
|
Posts: 30
Joined: March 25, 2015
Posted: March 28, 2015, 8:33 PM
Hey guys,
Just logging on for a minute with sleepy eyes before I nod off. Had a really busy good day out today with my daughter. I'll chat to you tomorrow. Hope you are all keeping well. Night xx This post has been edited by roro33 on March 28, 2015, 8:33 PM | ||
|
Posts: 312
Joined: March 10, 2015
Posted: March 29, 2015, 8:35 AM
Hi All,
I got up through the night and read your post Cam. I honestly can't out it into words how much I needed your reassurance . I keep re- reading it (: Anyway ... I respect girltoday and the fact she's made it so much but I do believe we all need different forms of help at different stages. For me, at the moment , I'm feeling really vulnerable - almost child like , and I need to believe and be reassured I'm doing the right thing. That being said I know if my brother knew about this it would be a firm kick up the a** approach which I understand too. This honestly feels like I'm sitting with a mass of entangled wool in front of my and each time I unravel a piece I make more of a mess in another part ! I'm looking forward to seeing a councillor and boy will they earn their money with me- lol. No matter what anyone say being an addict is not something any of us are proud of or there wouldn't be any need for the anonymity of AA , NA or this forum. People judge especially where there's kids involved ....which is I understand . If I was well and found out one of my daughters friends mums were pill popping like me , would I let her stay over ? Probably not is the honest answer. Cam/RORo when you were taking your pills , did you take them all at once ? I would usually take 8 at a time . Although sometimes I would take another 6 half an hour later . Then spread the rest out throughout the day . I never really felt 'out of it ' just calm . I don't feel like they masked the real me but what they did to was allow me to suppress feelings of anger/ hurt rather than facing up to why I was feeling like that in the first place. Getting to the route of all this is scary stuff and almost reliving it. Cam, I read your post about losing your brother and the pain must have been unimaginable at such a young age. My mum was an alcoholic and I feel almost disloyal to her memory even writing that down. I loved her with all my heart and I always knew from a young age it was a disease and not her that was doing the things that hurt myself and siblings emotionally so much . Even at 6/7 I would stick up for her when I over heard the adults say ' how could she do that ? Why won't she just stop ?' Hope none fell asleep reading this !!!!! RORo glad you had a good day with your girl yesterday , we are so lucky to have them (: Cam - your amazing !! Love Millie x | ||
|
| post replypost new topic |