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Posted: August 19, 2005, 9:59 PM
I do not sell things and I rarely put myself in debt but I cant turn down cocaine if it becomes available. My old roomate still sells it and the worst thing is he doesnt always charge me, but I cant seem to cut ties with him without feeling cold. I am not sure if this is considered addiction but i am definitely scared because I have a precious little boy who is almost two and sometimes i hate myself cause fear of dying and leaving him or losing him to authorities scares me but not enough to still use once in a while. I can never seem to get away from it completely. Am I addicted? Please, someone help me with some perspective.
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Posted: August 19, 2005, 10:06 PM
http://www.ca.org/literature/selftest.htm
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Posts: 14839
Joined: June 21, 2005
Posted: August 19, 2005, 11:27 PM
i am 46 y/o and an iv cocaine addict...i have only used for about 3 years, but it got to the point where every spare penny was going into my arm...if you are doing that, then you most probably are an addict...you need to quit now, before the consequences catch up with you, you don't want to lose that baby...if you are using continuously, even if it's only once or twice a month, in my opinion you are addicted...
-------------------- Somedays it's just not worth chewing through the restraints. | ||
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Posted: August 20, 2005, 1:21 PM
I used to kid myself that since i put it up my nose and not in my arm, i was not a "real" drug user or at least not as bad but it seems i am having just as hard of a time turning it down as everyone else.
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Posts: 26
Joined: July 2, 2005
Posted: August 20, 2005, 2:05 PM
Hi there,
I started off putting it just up my nose and gradually it progressed to smoking crack, believe me it WILL get worse. Please stop before you take it to the next level, it is NOT WORTH IT. Oh, and don't think that you will NEVER try crack, I used to think that....God bless you and I hope this helps... -------------------- I Can Only Imagine................... | ||
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Posted: August 20, 2005, 3:26 PM
I dont know who i was fooling, after all, I do have addiction in the family. My father is addicted to sex, narcotics, and is an alcoholic. But he has recovered from all but one. The alcoholism is the only one he cant seem to shake. So I spent so much energy making sure i did not become an alcoholic, that coke just kinda snuck up on me. Butfrom what you guys are saying it sounds like I should approach this as an addiction, and i have to face the fact that I am just not one of those people who can use occassionally and its not a problem. So now that I am approaching it as an addiction I am confident I will find the strength in me to me the best i can be for my son and stay straight and clean. I think i was just kidding myself, i am so glad i found this sight.
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Posts: 26
Joined: July 2, 2005
Posted: August 20, 2005, 7:15 PM
God Bless, and I think that you are making the right decision....
-------------------- I Can Only Imagine................... | ||
Posts: 288
Joined: January 9, 2005
Posted: August 20, 2005, 7:32 PM
HELLO ! My name is, well Coco in here, and I am a RECOVERING ADDICT!
A greatful one! VERY GREATFUL that I am FREE FROM DRUG ADDICTION, especially THIS ONE...the NEEDLE and COCAINE! I will share a bit of E,S&H ( Experience, Strength & Hope ) And hopefully this will GIVE YOU HOPE AND HELP YOU TO FEEL BETTER! I used to DIE and wished I WAS DEAD and NEVER DID DIE...Icame OH SO CLOSE MANY TIMES by OVERDOSING MYSELF! I mean great OD! The siezures, the shakes and BIG TIME SHAKING! My WHOLE BODY...outta CONTROL, the numbness in my arms, wobbly legs, no sight, could not speak, MY heart felt as though it was gonna jump right outta my chest and I never had a PULSE and heart rate like that...MY eyes BULGED outta my head... I RAN SEVERAL TIMES as much and as fast as I could FROM the ambulance, I hid, I took off from the EMERGENCY, I un hooked myself and took off and went and DID another one...and THIS HAPPENED so many times...PLAIN AND SIMPLE - I WANTED TO DIE because I could not and would not handle the PAIN of life and the PAIN I CARRIED, EMOTIONALLY! I had been in the 12 Steps of AA and was SOBER for 7 years and NEVER TOUCHED DRUGS! I even WORKED with ALCOHOLICS and ADDICTS as MY JOB for almost 3-4 years...THEN MY LIFE TOOK A TURN... DRUGS...DRUGS...DRUGS...and I will not get into HOW AND WHAT HAPPENED AND ALL THAT...it does not matter...I was so NIAVE and INNOCENT and NEVER KNEW MUCH AT ALL...BECAUSE I never did it and did not know people (directly) WHO DID Drugs other than those who shared with me from where I worked with those trying to RECOVER! So here I now sit...with a few months clean and HAPPY! I could NOT get a DAY in, two tops...I was SO HAPPY when I would make it 4 days and 5 days and 6 days and 7days. When I would make it to 2-3 days, I had a hard time and WOULD FALL HARD...same with around 5-6-7 I would fall in around or SHORTLY AFTER! I could NEVER imagine making ONE MONTH! I never did! I made 15 days a couple times and alomost one month also a couple times... NOW HERE I AM...with almost 5 MONTHS IN! Basically...A PERSON EITHER WANTS IT OR THEY DO NOT! WHAT EVER YOU WANT - THAT IS WHAT YOU WILL GET! I thought i was willing to go to any lengths to stay clean and change my life and I WAS NOT...I learned over time that i was NOT READY! I also learned that it takes MANY FAILURES in order to SUCCEED! At least for me it did. I am so GLAD THAT I FOUND AA...or that AA found me, whichever...because WITHOUT THAT and WITHOUT LEARNING AND STAYING SOBER - there is NO WSAY I WOULD BE HERE NOW! I thank God I did not ever find drugs then...because I DRANK TO ESCAPE PAIN THEN and really did not care and HAD NO HOPES or DREAMS and did not know what feelings and stuff were and all that. AA taught me HOW TO LIVE and HOW TO MANY THINGS...IT IS ALL THERE IN AA, THE 12 STPES, THE BIG BOOK...IT IS ALL THERE!!! I thought I WAS SO DIFFERENT and SPECIAL and I AM NOT! I am not any different than ANYONE ELSE IN THIS WORLD! I thought I was so ALIEN and I felt like it...sometimes I still do...but it is them...the others in this WORLD that DO NOT KNOW and DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LIVE! I AM SO GREATFUL I HAVE RECOVERY, THE 12 STEPS, MEETINGS, OTHERS TO TALK TO, A SPONSOR ( well a couple for sure ) and GOD! No I am NOT RELGIOUS...THIS IS A SPIRITUAL DISEASE not RELGIOUS. IT IS A "FEELINGS" Disease and A LIVING PROBLEM! The 12 Steps, God, AA, and all my SUPPORT taught me a NEW ANd BETTER WAY of LIFE! RELIGION IS FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE SCARED TO GO TO HELL AND SPIRITUALITY IS FOR THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN TO HELL AND DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK! Your ADDICTION...GUARENTEED will GET WORSE IF YOU DO NOT DO THINGS TO ARREST IT NOW! IT can ONLY GET WORSE and that is FACT! Over time...yes it will...MY addiction PROGRESSED VERY QUICKLY and for that I am GREATFUL! Some go through life all drunk or high and come in when most of their lives are gone and spent and THEN COME AND STRAIGHTEN OUT AND I I have heard is..."I wiish I was YOUNGER and did this LONG AGO!" Some have been in their 40's, 50's, 60's and even 70's or more...and when they come in they find a NEW WAY OF LIFE, a NEW FREEDOM, and a NEW HAPPINESS and this is WHAT I HAVE FOUND AGAIN! THANK GOD! SO if you have NOT DONE THIS OR THAT...all I will say is NEVER SAY NEVER...There is NO such thing as NEVER! In that world, in addiction...anything CAN HAPPEN...people and I am one...say I will not do that, or I won't become like that...or I would NEVER DO THAT! Or I will not DO IT THAT WAY...as I said NEVER SAY NEVER! In that WORLD...you are on DANGEROUS GROUNDS and OPEN FOR ANY THING TO HAPPEN TO YOU AT ANY GIVEN TIME! I myself have survived a couple ABDUCTIONS and SEVERE BEATINGS and many other undescribable things! And many other thngs I DO NOT WANT TO REPEAT...and NO I WAS NOT IN DEEP...or IN ANY GROUP OF PEOPLE OR IN ANY GANGS or ANYTHING LIKE IT...EVER. It was just me...by myself most of the time! There is ZERO CONTROL over this and that is what STEP ONE IS about..."WE Admitted we were powerless over ____ ( drugs/alcohol/others/whatever addiction) that OUR LIVES have becaome UN MANAGEABLE." Step 2 is "Came to believe in a POWER greater than OURSELVES could restore US TO SANITY." Step 3 is "Made a decisioin to turn our WILL AND OUR LIVES over to the care of GOD as we understood Him." There that is the first 3 Steps... Also the SERENTIY PRAYER... God, grant me the serenity to accept the THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, the courage to CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN and the WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! There say that a few times a DAY especailly when THINGS ARE A LITTLE ROUGH AND TOUGH...or cravings are happening or whatever...SAY IT ANYWAY...whether you believe in GOD or not...go to Church or not...YOU ARE STILL HERE and that is that...GOD IS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN THERE...I am sure you must believe in SOMETHING?!?! Also some people do not like the 12 Steps or the "program' etc...Well WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOOSE BY GIVING IT A GOOD HONEST TRY? THERE IS NO EXCUSE NOT TO GO TO MEETINGS...unless you enjoy YOUR MISERY and ADDICTION..that is your choice. ALSO MANY PEOPLE FORGET THIS and it is VIP...TAKE WHAT YOU LIKE AND LEAVE THE REST! And "PRINCIPLES BEFORE PERSONALITIES" These are as I said very important! Look up AA/NA/CA in your PHONE book under that...and PHONE AND FIND OUT WHERE AND WHEN THE MEETINGS ARE and GO! GO! GO! Do not HESITATE...yah sure you might be scared or feel anxious and what not...when you get there you will more than likely feel at HOME! And that you are NOT ALONE! And there will be people there WHO CAN HELP YOU and WILL HELP YOU IF YOU WANT IT! And WANT IT BAD ENOUGH...you will be AMAZED! Why will they help you and take the time out to HELP and LISTEN because this IS YOUR LIFE and A LIFE LINE and just as much as you feel HELPED IT WILL BE HELPING THEM JUST AS MUCH OR MORE THAN YOU! Anyway... BEST WISHES and THANKS for reading and LISTENING TO MY E,S&H! I am glad you REACHED OUT and asked for HELP...ypui helped me more than you may ever know! Smile! -------------------- Be true to Yourself! Stay in the moment and take it One Day at a Time, this is all we have - TODAY! IF YOU WANT IT BAD ENOUGH (to stay clean), YOU WILL DO WHAT IT TAKES TO GET IT! YOU EITHER WANT IT or YOU DON'T! Gratitude gives you a change of ATTITUDE Blessed to be here in RECOVERY Coco!!! | ||
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Posted: August 21, 2005, 12:26 PM
Thanx to everyone so much. Until now I never thought I would be understood, and always thought I would be judged.
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Posts: 288
Joined: January 9, 2005
Posted: August 21, 2005, 12:56 PM
As it says in the AA Big Book..."Before AA, I judged myself by my intentions, while the world was judging me by my actions." Pg 450 of the 3rd addition
-------------------- Be true to Yourself! Stay in the moment and take it One Day at a Time, this is all we have - TODAY! IF YOU WANT IT BAD ENOUGH (to stay clean), YOU WILL DO WHAT IT TAKES TO GET IT! YOU EITHER WANT IT or YOU DON'T! Gratitude gives you a change of ATTITUDE Blessed to be here in RECOVERY Coco!!! | ||
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Posted: August 22, 2005, 9:38 AM
I THINK YOU NEED A NEW ROOM MATE. EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T BUY IT STILL DOEN'T ANY EXCUSE FOR USING THIS DRUG. YOU HAVE A SMALL CHILD WHO NEEDS YOU. WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPEND TO YOUR CHILD AND YOU WAS HIGH. THE CPS CAN AND WILL TAKE YOUR CHILD IF YOU ARE GETTING HIGH. ALL IT TAKES IS FOR ONE PERSON TO REPORT YOU FOR GETTING HIGH. BELEAVE ME THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE WHO WOULD TURN YOU IN IF THEY KNEW YOU WAS GETTING HIGH. TRUST ME YOU NEED TO KICK YOUR ROOM MATEOUT OR EHTER TELL HIM TO STOP SELLING OR BRINGING DRUGS AROUND YOUR HOUSE. I AM NOT JUDGING YOU I TO AM A RECOVERING ADDICT WHO ALMOST LOST MY LITTLE BOY BECAUSE I WAS GETTING HIGH. AND MY NEICE DID LOSE HER 1 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER BECAUSE OF USING DRUGS. IT ISN'T WORHT LOSING ANYTHING OVER GETTING HIGH. EXSPECIALLY YOUR CHILD...ROBIN P.S IF YOU NEED A FRIEND TO TALK TO AND KNOW'S JUST HOW YOU FEEL EMAIL ME ANYTIME.....ROBINMDALLAS@AOL.COM
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Posts: 14839
Joined: June 21, 2005
Posted: August 22, 2005, 9:44 AM
great reply coco...you have me convinced!
-------------------- Somedays it's just not worth chewing through the restraints. | ||
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Posted: August 22, 2005, 7:41 PM
Thanx Robin, but I must set the record straight, he is no longer my roommate, i moved out as soon as I found out i was pregnant. I have never had him around drugs and i have never done it around him. But still I was high around him and that is terrible. So i am clean now and i dont blame anyone who would of called CSB on me before. Knowing that i could lose him is the biggest motivator of my life. I no longer talk to the roomate or anyone else that does.I am a full-time student and have been on Dean's List every semester so far. My son has never and will never meet my old roomate cause he is gone for good. Thanx for the advice Robin
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Posted: August 22, 2005, 7:43 PM
Also thanx cynical one for the website it was really helpful
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Posts: 14839
Joined: June 21, 2005
Posted: August 22, 2005, 8:12 PM
keep coming back mommy...lots of love and support here!
-------------------- Somedays it's just not worth chewing through the restraints. | ||
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Posted: August 23, 2005, 12:42 AM
vanderpyle@yahoo.com
The reason I am writing is because I started to see someone who has a drug addiction. when I first started seeing him, he told me that he was going to meeting for support on alcohol & drug abuse that he had a problem with in the past. so i didn't run away from him because i really liked him ,and decided that he is trying to do the right thing. So i seen him for about a month, and then things seemed to get shakey. he seemed to fall off the face of the earth. we had plans to go out one friday night, and he called me saying that he couldn't go out. So of course after having the plans for a while, I was very dissapointed. then i started to worry. I thought maybe he fell off the wagon and got himself into trouble, maybe he got mixed up with the wrong people, and something bad happened to him, because it was about a week or two before i spoke with him again. when I did, i found out that i was right, he had to go get help ,and he was embarressed about what he had done. i told him that he could talk to me , but he refused to talk about it. he was very upset and didn't really know what to do about his feelings he said, he didn't like himself, and all of his feelings were bothering him. I of course told him that he was a good person that just made some bad choices in his life ,and no one is perfect. and I told him that he needs to get his strength back ,and that i would support him. I had seen him once since then, and he said he was so alone, and he held me so tight that i could of cried. i feel so helpless and don;t know what to do to help him, i know he cares about me, and i know he wants to do the right thing for himself, but i think this is dragging him down. I don't want to lose him. he is the one person that i met in my life that made me feel alive, and really cared for. and all i want to do is show him iam here for him without scaring him away for good. please help me, i need to do the right thing for him ,and for our future, i would really appreciate it. thank you | ||
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Posted: August 23, 2005, 11:37 PM
I myself am a heroin addict and it didnt start off that way....all my friends were doing coke and pills i saw nothing wrong with that until my friends could stop and i couldnt. I thought they didn't know how to party and i wasn't a junkie because i had all those material things. Nobody knew I was self destructing inside. I suggest a meeting...give it a chance.
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Posted: September 5, 2005, 6:01 AM
Hey i am a recovering addict. i started on riddelin at 14. then i crushed them and snorted them, next i took large doses of them mixed with caffeine pills. pot, and alcohol followed and i swore that was all i would do. by 19 i had done lsd, xtc, mushrooms, all kinds of crazy pills, ketamine, heroin, coke, crack, mescelin, amt, either, meth, nitrous, anti-phsycotics, oxycotin, percaset, vicadin, and on and on. i was 18 when i got hooked on crack and 20 when i got off. i spent close to 10 thousand dollars on crack alone. i had an addiction to robotussin for probebly a year, and 2 little xtc runs each lasting about a month or two. i once took lsd 7 times in 7 days taking 1-3 hits at a time. i was an alcoholic and god knows what els. in short i am addicted to drugs period and always will have these tendencies.
i quit everything on my own and now have a girlfriend (rare for someone with a huge appitite for drugs) and i have been clean w/out craving for awile. i am 21 now. i hope someone can use this information. i have severely screwed up my brain and droped out of collage to smoke crack think, dont get caught up in the initial partying, because you will eventually be alone getting high in a corner of the room on the floor wishing you never smoked a cigarette or even drank a coffey, or were even born. | ||
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Posted: September 5, 2005, 12:54 PM
Thanx for sharing your story, that is definitely alot to keep straight. Congrats for taking charge good luck with u and ur girl.
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Posted: September 7, 2005, 11:29 PM
hello random addict. I guess if you could handle getting out of that with all that was going on in your life, anyone that put their mind to it could probobly get their head straight, my bf is in a bad way right now, he is in rehab, from alcohol to coc or crack? he has a low self esteem, and doesn't think that anyone finds him to be a good person. I took time to get to know the real him, and i found that he is a great man that made some bad choices. they had and still have a hold on him. it hurt him bad. he lost his job, his home, his mind is screwed up, and if he doesn't clean up, he could lose more than that, his life. it hurts me bad to see him like that. i have not been able to talk to him in a long time. i miss him and can't wait to see him..
again i think you can keep yourself clean, be strong and know that the crap can only cause bad in your life. and know that you are a good person. and set goals for yourself, come up w/ a hobbie or anything to keep ur self away from temptation.. good luck, and thanx for ur inspiring story.. | ||
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