Printable Version of Topic
Click here to view this topic in its original format
Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Let Me Fall All By Myself ...

Posted by: nytepassion September 19, 2005, 2:45 PM
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safty net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.


Posted by: KerrBear September 20, 2005, 1:33 AM
thanks for posting passion, this was really good.

Posted by: India September 20, 2005, 5:53 AM
made me cry... and think

Posted by: KerrBear November 26, 2005, 3:44 AM

Posted by: downbutnotdefeated November 26, 2005, 11:46 AM
That was awesome and really hits home.. Thank you for that confirmation.

Posted by: Myownperson November 26, 2005, 12:42 PM
How true!

Posted by: kizzie November 29, 2005, 10:30 PM

Posted by: HurtDad July 24, 2006, 4:58 PM
Bump for all of the new members struggling with an addict in their lives.

Posted by: just his sister July 24, 2006, 7:52 PM
I must print this off & let my Family read it!

Posted by: hermom July 25, 2006, 1:02 AM
Definatley worth a "bump" every now and again! :)


Posted by: tattooed lady July 29, 2006, 7:20 PM
This touched me so i ahve sat down and wrote itout-as my printer is not working i am going to post to my daughter who is almost 20 and an addict liar and she is in jail at the present time.this made some sense to me.real sense

Posted by: Cuzicare October 18, 2006, 10:46 PM

Posted by: Misty January 28, 2010, 1:06 PM

Posted by: lightacandle February 20, 2010, 9:45 AM

Posted by: Misty March 11, 2010, 10:20 PM

Posted by: rcmama September 20, 2010, 10:53 PM
wow, that is amazing. It is so hard to let the son are daughter fall. What if they never come back or they die... I wouldn't want to live with myself knowing I didn't go and tell them I love them and it would be ok if they got clean. I just tell you it hurts so bad. What makes a person use drugs like that ? I don't understand. I wish that I did. I pray that God will help me get through the day and that the drugs won't be what my son wants anymore. I pray that I can handle gods will. I know I feel like I don't know what to do at this point. Thank God for people who understand.. Peace & Love be with you.


Posted by: lightacandle September 21, 2010, 8:38 AM
RC I hope you will find & go to alanon meetings. There are also many books you can read about codependency, alot of good ones are by Melody Beattie. I've been where you are -- and you can let go with love & find a life for yourself no matter what the addict is doing or not doing. It's not easy but it can be done. I'm living proof. We cannot control them or make choices for them. Acceptance is the key. Keep telling your son you love him & encourage him to reach for recovery. I hope you will reach for recovery for yourself, too. Pray for yourself. You deserve to have a life, too.

Posted by: Jazwan September 24, 2010, 11:25 AM
You have to let them fall but that doesn't ever mean you don't tell them that you love them.
Why does a person use drugs? I've just opened up a can of worms by answering that question to someone else. Who accused me of promoting Heroin. Drugs make people feel good, drugs are pleasurable which is why they are so so dangerous and evil.

If we don't face up to that and start being honest and telling our kids that, then we can't ever prepare them against this. It is because drugs make you feel so good that you can never try them not even once, that's why there are so many addicts.

If you tell teenagers that sex is horrible then they don't understand why so many of their friends are doing it and they want to try it. Drugs aren't any different and no one takes drugs thinking they will get addicted that's all there is to understand.

Keep posting try to focus on you, in the end that is the only way that we can help them. Enjoy our lives stay healthy and at some point they might want a piece of that too.

Posted by: Taylor Made October 23, 2010, 3:19 AM
This is amazing, actually perfect.. I am a recovering first drug of choice was opiates (mostly oxy & heroine), then speed (adderall & Meth), but I didn't descriminate, I'd do whatever was in front of me. I am currently 64 days clean, after 5 years in heavy addiction. My parents enabeling me was what made me get so bad, I had the resources, so it took me way longer to hit the bottom. I have hit "rock bottom", or what I thought was the bottom, many times, each time I thought it couldn't get any worse, and I found out I was wrong!

It took me about a year after my parents cut me off, I took off, they didn't know whether I was dead or alive, and I was using that to try to make them feel guilty! I was furious with them, at first, because I thought they loved me and I decided that they must not. They also had my two kids. They had tried multiple times to help me, pay for re-habs, put me on "lock-down", they financed my attempts to get back on my feet, and even paid off my debts. They did everything they thought was going to support and "fix" me. Only, it made it worse. More lying, more cheating, more stealing, and more bad feelings about myself and how I was failing and hurting everyone, so I kept using, cause it numbed the pain. What people can't understand about an addiction like that is that it's not about wanting to get high- it becomes about being able to function, both mentally and physically.

Please, if you want them to come back, before they fall too far, let them smack their face on the pavement, and want to change their lives, because that is the only way that it will happen, no-one can do it for you, you have to want it yourself. Then when they do come back, just give them love and support, and not judgement or critism. If you can help them to accept themselves, find themselves, and love themselves again, and have faith that God will show them the way as long as they have faith that they will figure it out eventually, that will be their best chance! At least in my experience.

I feel like I walked around deaf, dumb, and blind for the first 27 years of my life, now I can see!! And I am happier than I have ever been!! I have no regrets about where I've been, because it makes me who I am, and without it I wouldn't have found myself!! I feel that God put me through it, so that now I have the life experience for whats coming next. Thank God my parents let me battle my demons on my own, I take alot of pride in the fact that I am capable of surving, and I made it back!! I did that!! I can own every ounce of it!! I know I have a long road ahead, but I look forward to my next lesson, and meeting my next teacher, cause I am grateful for each new day and every person that God puts into my life, I know now that I will be okay, and I am loving it! Free at last, free at last, God almighty, I'm free at last!!

Posted by: lightacandle October 23, 2010, 8:54 AM
Taylor Made, Thank you so much for posting that. I hope the newbies & oldies read it.

Posted by: MomLoves October 23, 2010, 11:51 AM
I'm a newby - I read this. The face smack on the pavement scares me. You are a true happy ending story though I know it is ongoing process for you- I pray my son is enlightened soon.

Posted by: lightacandle October 30, 2010, 2:46 PM
bump up so new people can read this

Posted by: blackroses mum October 31, 2010, 2:25 PM
thanks for sharing its so true >>Blackroses mum

Posted by: laurahope January 18, 2012, 3:54 AM
To fall alone......I don't understand. Please explain.

Posted by: MomNMore January 18, 2012, 11:15 AM
Only the addict can decide to stop the free-fall and get clean. Every time someone steps in and does something for the addict that s/he can and should do for himself, we remove and opportunity to learn from the consequences of actions. For the codependent parents here it is essential that we stop rescuing and enabling...we cannot save them...we can only save ourselves. You can try a hundred ways, say a hundred things, pay hundreds of thousands of dollars and not one smidgen of it will change anything until the addict wants to get clean...pretty simple actually.

Peace ~ MomNMore

Posted by: 24Gordon January 18, 2012, 11:44 AM
but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well.

Speaking as an addict in recovery, this was huge for me, I needed to feel the pain, every bit of it and it had to hurt bad for me to want to change.

I love this poem, it is so dead on.

Posted by: Misty March 8, 2012, 10:13 PM
Bump for my friend who needs this right now.

Posted by: MomNMore April 4, 2012, 10:40 AM
bump for OPT

Posted by: Faith28 November 1, 2012, 6:34 AM
Hi all, I am brand new here and this post was exactly what I needed to hear today.

Ive been feeling like an absolute monster for taking my little sister's kid from her and putting it through court in order to make it legal. This was purely out of protection for the little one, and because while the little one is with her my family and I would continue enabling the drug use by supplying necessities, because we fear for the well-being of the little one.

So now that the little one is safe, my thoughts turned to my little sis. Where is she and how can I help (especially now that she in her life will not talk to me again as I did the worst thing possible). You see I know that I have my own dysfunction and that is to be the "rescuer" of everyone that I love. Thank you for sharing and now I know that she is in the Almighty's hands and I will pray, pray and with prayer and pettition bring her before the King each and every day! She still is His beloved too!

Posted by: 24Gordon November 1, 2012, 11:09 AM
Welcome Faith.

Glad you found us~

Posted by: onthehunt November 1, 2012, 1:41 PM
I find this hard to buy. We have just discovered that our 22 year old daughter with a love child of 3 is into this.

We immediately removed care of the child from her and it has broken hearts and tore a family apart, but if we left the child their with mama, she might have died.

The same with the daughter who is our next focus.

How can we just leave her on a path of self-destruction without at least trying some intervention?

Posted by: MomNMore November 1, 2012, 9:36 PM
Welcome Faith and Onthehunt.

I know that I have my own dysfunction and that is to be the "rescuer" of everyone that I love.

Me, too, that's how I landed here in 2007 after years of trying to rescue my daughter. The more I spent/did/fixed/helped, the deeper she fell...but when I finally got out of her way she saved herself. My story is here on these boards, as are hundreds of others...some have unhappy endings, such is the nature of addiction. We believe as parents we are supposed to step in front of every speeding train that threatens to run them down when the truth is that the more we shield, the less they learn and the longer the process draws itself out. There is much for them to learn from their addiction and its consequences and when we rescue the only learning is in better understanding how to manipulate us...that's what we teach.

onthehunt, the child needed rescuing because she cannot care for herself, your daughter is perfectly capable of doing so should she have to and choose to. Is this a new thing, this addiction? What is her drug of choice and how long has it been an issue? What have you done about it up to now? If you have already been involved in trying fix and rescue to no avail, time to step aside. If this is a first effort, you will find out whether or not she wants to get clean pretty quickly. Remember that there free resources out there for anyone who looks for them - NA/AA are everywhere, there are detoxes and sober houses and Salvation Army programs, and all manner of other resources should she seek them out. If on the other hand YOU seek them out and she goes to get you off her back, or if you pay for a designer rehab that she is not ready for and doesn't want, chances are good she will not stay clean. They need to work as hard on getting and staying clean as they did on getting and staying high. Addicts are pretty resourceful people, especially at getting those who love them to jump through hoops. Better she should fall now and pick herself up than she should still be struggling to learn this 10 or 15 years hence....remember this was written by an addict and plenty of our addicts-in-residence say it's right on...they should know. Now I'll bump up a thread for you called "Things That Don't Help"...see if you recognize yourself.

Peace ~ MomNMore

Posted by: smallhall May 17, 2013, 6:27 AM
This is awesome. As a former addicted, still very much in recovery, this hit home for me to remind me of where I came from. It does get better. I am now dealing with my husbands addiction to opiates. Not fun. It's so hard not to want to save him, but you reminded me that I had to go to the bottom and so will he.

Posted by: MomNMore July 5, 2013, 11:20 PM

Posted by: Swalke July 27, 2013, 1:21 PM
I ask myself many times how do I help the one that I love help themselves. I wrack my brain trying to figure it out, the answer is right here.

This is truely amazing.

Posted by: M7557 January 1, 2014, 10:11 AM
Amazing!!! Bump...

Posted by: Cstriona July 10, 2014, 9:32 AM
Hi I'm new to the site and have been enabling my son for 10 years. I like every other parent on hete love my son with all my heart. I feel so guilty gor his addiction and my biggest fear of all is that he is going to die. I have scenarios of his funeral play out in my mind it is absolute torturer.

I know in my heart what I now need to do but it scares me so much. My son is in prison more than he is out. And after doing a 15 month sentence and coming off his methadone (his own choice). However he couldnt cope on the outside and was back in prison within 9 days for being in possession of heroin.

Reading your letter confirms what I already know I must do but how do I find the strength to do it.

Cat (Scotland)

Posted by: YankeeGram July 10, 2014, 5:25 PM
I'm only a little embarrassed to admit that for me it wasn't about strength at all. It just finally hurt too much to keep doing it the way I had been. Like with my then addicted daughter, the consequences of my actions were more than I was willing to suffer, so I started acting differently. On that point, I think there was nothing I could do to get there, it just had to happen.
But I also had to come to believe, not say, but believe in my heart, that she might die and there was nothing I could do about it. For that, I worked on feeling one way and doing something else, like feeling afraid but doing things anyway. Feeling angry and acting calmly. Feeling disappointed, and acknowledging that, but not making it others' problem. I taught myself that my feelings didn't need to equal my behavior, I had choices. Baby steps led to bigger steps, and I got there. Counseling helped.
Good luck, write more if you want.

Posted by: daybyday123 July 16, 2014, 1:48 AM
What a beautiful sentiment, I am drenched in tears. I can no longer fault those who left me to my self, to read it as the poet states is just perfect to me.

Posted by: mecourt3 September 2, 2014, 8:52 AM
but what happens if they do not fly, if they crash and die? I had my son at 16 years old and he is the reason I am where I am today. Without him, I have no reason to continue fighting and might as well jump with him

Posted by: Lily101 September 3, 2014, 4:08 PM
Thanks for the piece. 2 days clean today :)

And this piece just hit right on the spot. I came to realise by myself that I want my life to be different and not the way it was going. If anyone were to force me to stop I would've fought 10 times harder to stay in that state of mind.

Again thanks.

I'm not a parent but I can only imagine how hard it must be to let your children fly and if they get hurt or die it is sadly the way it was suppose to go then. Please don't put yourself through so much turmoil and hurt thinking that he might die and that is why you can't let him go. Believe that he will make the right choice and will decide on his own to get sober.


Posted by: 2WhiteDoves September 11, 2014, 8:26 PM
Painstakingly well written, so true and so sad. Thank you.

Posted by: girltoday September 18, 2014, 4:42 PM

Posted by: jasperts September 19, 2014, 11:51 AM
Thank you. I needed to read this as I have been struggling with my emotions. The only thing keeping my boyfriend and I apart is the addiction. Neither one of us want to leave. But I can not be in love with the drug. As hard as it is, I have to be strong. He made a very intimate and passionate night for us into a reason to get high behind my back. I do not blame him, I blame the addiction.
I will be upset and the pain will run deep, but he needs to do it for himself.

Thank you.

Posted by: Notagain!! October 13, 2014, 9:58 PM
I keep this note in my purse and I read it everyday several times a day!!

Posted by: Krista2000 October 19, 2014, 6:37 PM
Yes this is all very nice.
I woul love to let my so called addcit monster brother fall.
But is it always easy to let them fall.
What when you have a dangerous blackmailing dictator who does everything they can in order for them to use their drugs?
All your energyy is gone already trying to stand up to them, trying to pick up the broken pieces.
Then what?
You yourself have come to a point you feel suicidal.
Spend more time and energy in order to try and get lawyers, have the police come, kick the lunatic out so that he might take revenge on you.
I do not agree that it is always that easy to let the addict fall so that they can learn their lessons.
We have addicts and addicts.
Some are as dangerous as criminals and they would do everything not to let them fall.
Every situation is different.

Posted by: Notagain!! October 20, 2014, 10:15 AM
I keep it in my purse.

Posted by: hleo59 December 12, 2014, 4:35 PM
This tore me apart. But it's so true. I wish someone could tell me how you truly let them fall by themselves.

Posted by: beingme December 15, 2014, 9:19 PM
Made me cry. Only wish is my new daughter's mom to hit bottom and be who she can be someday.

Posted by: bodeni61 January 30, 2015, 12:21 PM
I should read this to my enabling husband. I know he does things for me and cleans up my messes because he loves me. I need to fall flat on my face with no one there to pick me up and learn to clean up my own messes. Thank you who ever shared that, it was beautiful.

Posted by: Fedup family February 8, 2015, 5:55 AM
RCMAMA : I am also the mother of an addict son! He has been on drugs since he was 16 he is now 31 years old! 15 years of HELL. I have protected him when he was in trouble, bailed him out of jail, given him endless supply of money! Fed him kept a roof over his head paid his bills sent him to rehabilitation programmes and made sure he never had to go without! In return he destroyed our family unit! He accused us abused us yelled and frightened us! Brought us all down to our knees in fear and pain for him! I have watched him get admitted to psych hospital by police intervention 6 times in the last 12 month due to psychotic behaviour all drug induced and going without ANY sleep 5-6 days in a row! We have beaten our heads against the wall trying to figure out why our beautiful child has done this to his life and come up empty handed every time! He has sisters and mother and father who love him so very much and we have been powerless in helping him to recover. I have finally excepted that there is not ONE single thing I can do to help my son. He can only be saved by the GRACE of GOD! Every day, sometimes all day I'm praying for my son! Praying that GOD will shelter him in his arms and save him from destruction, to open a door for him that leads to salvation, that he sends an ANGEL into his life to be his true friend and encourage him and give him HOPE and a future. I would get angry at GOD and ask him why he has allowed this to happen to my son and he spoke to my heart and I clearly heard him say " the pain that you feel my daughter is nothing compared to the pain I feel for your son! I knew him before he was born I formed him in your belly I gave him life and I will be the only one who will take it from him! I gave him to you to look after as a baby and child and now you need to hand him back over to me. I don't know the plans GOD has for my son, but I'm certain what ever they are it will be for his highest good. So I have let him fly! I don't know we're he's going I am terrified for him but I have to have faith that he will make his way back home again one day! So my advice to all you beautiful mums and dads brothers and sisters LET them FALL so GOD can take the reigns from you. The lesson I learned is that the more you give them and the more you shelter them the more they hold you at ransome! They will play mind games with you, manipulate you, threaten you, also threaten suicide and may even attempt it! the bottom line is they want you to feel as ugly as they do! Most days they succeed! So really you don't have a choice , you have to take the risk, you have to stop giving them an excuse to stay an addict!

Posted by: Travelin man February 8, 2015, 1:29 PM
Hi Fedup , that was very well put, very insightful-one thing you forgot-its now time for you to look after you- and your family-best of luck- i hope and pray your son finds his way home-

Posted by: yve babe February 24, 2015, 9:05 PM
This is my first ever post.I have been reading post,s and heart wrenching story,s,from,mother,s of crack addicted son,s and daughter,s.I was desperately,looking for someone,to say to me"a mother of an adult addicted crack addict"do not worry,this is what you need to do,to make your son better,or this is what you need,if you wish to wake up,from this hell on earth nightmare.Week after week,month after month,year after year,i spent looking for answers.I am 63 year,s old,divorced for the past 10 year,s.I am content in my little flat.My "addicted"son is 38 and has a daughter of 7 year year,s daughter is 45,and has a son,whom is 20 year,s old .My daughter is very anti drug, son married at 29 year,s old,but only lasted 2 year,s"owing to his addiction".I am a mother,whom has a very open mind ,streetwise,and have never judged anyone"and always
encouraged my kid,s,to be open and honest with me.when my son was in his early teen,s,it was the rave times,he was honest,and had no problem with telling me,that he took ecstasy.It was,and still is,"in my opinion"to know the truth"regarding your child,s drug of choice,.This gives you an opportunity,to talk openly,warn them, of the danger,s,advice them,and do all that you can possibly do,to keep them safe.As the year,s past,my son went to college,to learn his trade,and progressed with flying colour,s.He is indeed,a very clever boy,and his income,was higher,than most"of his age"and i was a very proud mum.My daughter,also,was dealing with her partner,whom had a cocaine habit.She decided,to take herself and her young son,out of there familly home,to a hostal,where they would live in one small room for over a year,until she was offered a 2 bed flat.At this time,my son had progressed in his drug of choice.cocaine"sniffed up his nose,as well as alcohol.I new that my son,was in big trouble by now.Would go missing for day,s.I would drive the streets,looking for him.He stopped talking to me.Would spend most day,s n nights in his room.After year,s of heartache,and a weekend,spent ,"as i thought"binging on his drug of choice,he came home,looking like death,dirty.He fell into my bed,begging for help.It was then,that he told me,he was addicted to crack.I held him in my arms,and reassured him,that we would get through this together,and that everything would be ok.I could not let him see,that my world ,was colapsing and falling from under my i told him to rest,whilst i made tea.On reaching the bottom of the stairs,i fell to the floor,my leg,s were not able to hold me up.I new that my son was in trouble,but did not dream of this.After about six month of attending rehab,i beleived all was well.He took many steps backwards,over the coming year,s.I completely believed that crack, would never be a part of his life,ever again.As time past,and moved out of the family home,i was shocked,to be told,he had never stopped using crack.And that he would go to work,only for the money to fund his crack addiction.So many lies,owed so much money,and the one thing, he had always managed to do,was to be a good dad and love his daughter,more than the world,he let her down,and was not able to see her.She is now 7.I am ashamed to say,that i also had an addiction,many years ago.This started with a slimming pill"dosspan"at that time,it was legal for a doctor to prescribe these pills.These tablets contained anphetamine,and were highly addictive.When these tablets were banned,i started to take speed.It was very hard for me to withdraw from my addiction,maybe that is why i have always been there for my son.My grandson is now 20,and it has been a real struggle,for my daughter 2 work hard,to give her son a good life,and made sure, he never wanted for anything.But at the age of 16,my grandson became addicted to gambling.He looks much older than his age,so no one"who owns these betting offices"ask for his I D,"as required by law"so he would play on these roulette machines.He now 20,and has stolen from his mum,and is a compolsive liar.My daughter and i,could not,continue to suffer any longer.We had no choice,but to give tough love.It was indeed the hardest decision of our lives.But my daughter is now at peace,but has a very heavy heart.So time will tell.As for my son,i text him for the last time,some weeks ago now.The message was the words of"recommended reading"on this recovery web site.TITLE:LET ME FALL ALL BY MYSELF.There is so much truth in this writing,and will never be able to thank,the writer enough.It took 4 or 5 weeks for my son to reply.The longest time of my life.The message said as follows___.Mum i hope you are well.I wanted for you no know,that i am safe and clean at this moment in time.I am not working,as i am on a full time recovery program and must attend every day.I was not able to stop my addiction on my own.This is going to take a long time mum,many months,or maybe a year.I am 100% comitted this time mum.But i need time and space to do this,.I will come and see you,when i feel strong enough,but until then,i have to be left alone.I love you more than words can say mum.Your son ?????.Time can only tell,if my son comes back to me.BUT I HAVE HOPE.NOW MY WISH,IS FOR MY DAUGHTER ,TO BE given some hope.NO ONE DESERVES HOPE MORE THAN HER.MY KIDS ARE MY LIFE.THANK YOU FOR REDING THIS.AND I WILL PRAY FOR ALL THE MOTHERS OUT THERE,WITH THERE BELOVED SON OR DAUGHTER FIGHTING THIS DEVIL OF ADDICTION.

Posted by: yve babe February 25, 2015, 9:13 AM

Posted by: heartsickMOM March 10, 2015, 5:33 PM
What a heartbreaking BUT real reminder of how I need to Let Go!!
Thank You, I will print this and have it close by <3

Posted by: girltoday March 20, 2015, 3:19 PM

Posted by: SpiritLady71121 April 8, 2015, 6:43 PM
What a story that gives someone like me support. One of the hardest things I have ever done in my life was to turn away my own grandson whom I adopted after he became a drug addict. I do not want to lose hope, and with comments like yours, I can again breath hope, by letting go.

Posted by: girltoday May 12, 2015, 8:13 AM

Posted by: rebecca4954 June 10, 2015, 10:42 PM
This is beautiful! I don't think I am ready to let my son fall all on his own I am so full of fear at this point that he will die. He is my entire life, him and his 2 year old daughter, I was looking around for advice and help for my son who won't admit he has a problem and I came across this, I don't understand all the hurt in my heart yet but I am glad to know I am not alone.

Posted by: 24Gordon June 11, 2015, 12:52 PM

You're not alone, there are so many of us out in the world that are affected by a loved ones drug use and/or alcoholism. There is help & there is a way to be free from all that fear. People helping people heal and change.

Find a local Alanon meeting and go ( It saved my life and gave me a freedom I never knew existed, I always thought I couldn't live my life, I felt guilty, while my son battled his addiction. I learned through this site and the Alanon program that his addiction is his, my life is mine to live.

Glad you found us. It's not by coincidence that you wound up here.


Keep coming back~

Posted by: girltoday June 17, 2015, 10:48 AM

Posted by: Debra Templeton July 24, 2015, 4:35 PM
My daughter is 26. She has been addicted to cocaine and adderall. She has gone to rehab but never completed a total course. She has a masters degree and she is bipolar and has disordered eating. Currently she is living with my husband and I. She has been clean for several months. She quit her job (too stressful and not a good fit) yesterday. She used last night and is now back home. We have said that she can't live in our home and use. I'm terrified to throw her out. She is on many medications for bipolar disorder and they are working. If she doesn't take her medications appropriately she will spin out of control. It is not so easy to say let her find her bottom because in her case most likely her bottom will be fatal. We are so tired of all of it but also terrified to throw her out. I don't think I could live with her death.

Posted by: helpnessmother July 29, 2015, 6:02 PM
thank you for the encouragement that there is hope if the addict wants it.

this is so true this is what my son has said to me many times, ( I take drugs to function, both mentally and physically) I've tried to tell him there is a better way but you have to asked for it. They he denies he is using or he will joke around or right mom I smoke crack today.

This is my second day of walking away from my son. I had to. He is in a really bad place. He used a bad needle and he has already had 5 surgeries they weren't sure they were going to save his arm.

He keeps going back to the hospital saying he is so much pain to get pain meds or morphine.
Eventually the hospital will stop believing his 'pain' threshold and give him aspirin. That's when I fear that he will do something stupid to get drugs. My biggest fear is that he will hurt someone or kill someone else child to get drugs. Or hurt an elderly person.
I pray to god, my mother or any other angel in heaven to help him see the light and get help
thank you for sharing your story it helps me keep my distant from my son

Posted by: Shannivia August 17, 2015, 2:11 PM
Thank u so much for the wisdom that have been spoken I finally got a view of what an addict faces and how he feels when it comes to his mother enabling him. I have searched the Internet for some type of wisdom thank god I found it. Now I'll know how I can help my son I realize that my love is actually killing him I get it now. Thanks again you might have saved my sons life And mine

Posted by: Bridgebuilder123 October 25, 2015, 3:43 PM
OMG!! I was really struggling with even telling my son that he had to leave if he does not agree to go into a drug recovery program, until I read this poem. Awesome!!! I will read it ad often ad I need it or when I get the notion to tell my son that he can continue to live at our home knowing he need help with his addiction.

Posted by: ShanesMom November 12, 2015, 1:00 PM
I dont know what brought me to this today. Utter heartbrokenness for my son I'm sure!ME reaching for SOMETHING to hold on too. BUT i truely feel this was intended for me to read and let it soak in, I pray that this is right! I pray that its correct wisdom for us out here dealing with loved ones with addiction.

Posted by: elliemae100 December 27, 2015, 5:47 AM
.... and what if he dies

Posted by: themom December 27, 2015, 4:38 PM
elliemae, an addict faces death every time he puts that needle in his arm, or pops that pill in his mouth and it doesn't matter whether he's living in cushy surroundings or under a bridge. It's a chance they willingly take every time they use.

Posted by: Sosad December 29, 2015, 7:56 PM
Thank you so much for posting this. I have read and re read this many times and it answers many questions. Gives me hope and gave me permission to let go without feeling so much guilt. My our prayers be answered and our children, partners and loved ones be returned to us if not in the here in now but later when all will be at peace.

Posted by: helplessinmass April 22, 2016, 12:02 PM
That's where I am at. I am having the hardest time letting him fall. He calls and I come running. I take him to detox, he signs himself out in 3 days. Says he's good. Then he takes from us again. He takes cash, electronic items, tools, etc. He's done this many times. AND I STILL HELP HIM! Why? My family is so upset with me. I always think something really bad is going to happen to him. Find him dead somewhere. I know I need to let go. I need the strength. How does a mother let her child fall.

Posted by: tpascalli April 22, 2016, 4:05 PM
thank you for posting that.

Posted by: bearybad May 1, 2016, 2:06 PM
I'm showing your post to my husband, passion. He needs to read it. Thanks so much!

Posted by: constantine September 10, 2016, 12:34 PM

Posted by: Papa Bear September 10, 2016, 12:42 PM
And after you hit bottom

It's there in most every village, town and city. It works ! It's FREE !

I wish everyone the best.

Bob R

Posted by: KAYKAY74 November 20, 2016, 4:40 AM
wonderfully written

Posted by: Juliet317 December 11, 2016, 2:38 AM
It's not the same for everyone. What about those you let have their rock bottom and that was it? I'd rather a million years of enabling than this devastating loss.

Posted by: constantine December 11, 2016, 12:40 PM
How do you know anyone's rock bottom? Your perception of what rock bottom is...may not be someone else's....??

Posted by: duchesschama December 11, 2016, 8:28 PM
Con--absolutely! My son should have hit what I perceived as rock bottom 20 yrs. ago, but his is at a totally different level!

He isn't me and I am not him! We battle different beasts!



Posted by: cully January 1, 2017, 6:55 PM
FANTASTIC. Your words completely blow me away. They say everything I wanted to convey the people I have long since drank away. But my head was far too befuddled and jumbled
17 yrs sober now, and you just cannot turn the clock back. Yet if I could, I would plagiarise every word. THANK YOU.

Posted by: going out of my mind January 22, 2017, 4:22 AM
thank you for posting - you have no idea what it means to me to read this - I am going out of my mind right now - I want to scream - help - someone please help - and then I saw your words - and they comforted me. I never ever believed it would happen to one of my children - and even now he's an adult but he is my baby - and it's so hard to know what to do. Thank you.

Posted by: MagdaHope January 26, 2017, 12:54 PM
Thank you! This helped me to see this in a different light.

I discovered this site by looking for some advice as I am very new to parenting a child with drug addiction. After reading - I know I am an enabler. Between this letter and some other post on this site, and reading todays message in Jesus is Calling. I realize that our hope is not in problem solving but to looking at the promise of an eternity of a problem free life in heaven. We can not seek perfection in this fallen world, God does not promise us a problem free life. He says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

It is possible to enjoy God and glorify Him in the midst of adverse circumstances. In fact, His light shines most brightly through believers who trust Him in the darkest of times.
This is by far the darkest time in my life, assumably the darkest time in my daughters. Letting go and letting God - HARD - but necessary.

Posted by: constantine February 6, 2017, 4:04 AM

Posted by: Bonnie5 February 21, 2017, 10:05 AM

Posted by: cozpta February 26, 2017, 12:51 AM
"Let me fall by myself"...what a powerful post..... I found this yesterday on this wonderful website.... I read it many times and cried.... what a powerful message... to the author, thank you so much for finally giving us insight to how addicts really feel and need....

I went to the VA Hospital today to pick up my 37 year old son from a 4 day detox (he has been in and out of rehab / detox for the past 20 years)...he checked himself out and said he was ready to really change...I told him after supporting him financially, paying all of his bills, catching him up and trying to help I had read "Let me fall by myself" and realized I had been enabling him and because I love him, I am not going to do it anymore.... He told me he knew I had been enabling him and yes, he needed to fall by himself, I was shocked... He has never asked me for anything, he never had to... I always gave him everything every time because I thought I was doing everything in my power to help him, little did I know I only made him worse and cost him valuable time to really "hit the bottom".... I am so relieved that we both understand what "enabling" means....

He is a father of two and a very smart man... he has all of the potential and ability to do anything he wants with his life... I pray that this is the time that he is going to follow through with the most important thing he can do in his life by letting go and let God.....I give him to God and have moved out of the way.....

I have read the many different situations and can feel your broken hearts and helplessness, I am one of you....we have to remember, "we didn't cause it", "we can't control it" and "we can't fix it"... our only hope is "just let go and let God"!

Posted by: hurtingmom March 17, 2017, 8:26 AM

Posted by: MyNameIsStrong March 21, 2017, 8:59 AM
Wow....absolutely beautiful writing. Wow....WOW Im kinda speechless.....or post-less if you will. Its about me. I certain all of us addicts feel this way to a degree at some point or another but its how Ive felt since it became clear to me that I was an addict. I love it..LOVE IT> Keep writing. Thanks YOU

Posted by: NyToFlorida March 21, 2017, 7:48 PM
You dont know how strong you are, until Strong is all you've got. peace. bless you.

Posted by: NyToFlorida May 4, 2017, 6:54 PM

Posted by: hurtingmom July 7, 2017, 11:17 PM

Posted by: Joy4Angel August 5, 2017, 3:00 AM
Well said! I am trying my best to do just that for my 23 yo. AD. *Deep breathe*

Posted by: hurtingmom December 21, 2017, 6:56 AM
Excellent words

Posted by: hurtingmom March 14, 2018, 8:23 PM

Posted by: Starbud April 26, 2018, 8:46 PM
I just read this post and am about to end my enabling behaviour towards my adult son. Tomorrow he will be leaving our home and most likely be out on the streets. Your post just reconfirmed that this is the right thing to do. Thank you for sharing

Posted by: Paul101 March 16, 2020, 10:30 PM
With that in my heart i will read before my next attempt too end it again ,everyone who carries the weight of addiction. One-day someday anyday . Pull me out of this pit its so deep ???

Posted by: Strong-n-faith August 22, 2020, 2:56 AM