Sleeping Pills Ruined Me
Posted: April 28, 2016, 8:34 AM

hi everyone..
this is my first time using any sort of forum so I apologize if it is posted in the wrong place.
The events that have happened to me over recent years and childhood have sent me into a spiral of self pity and depression, ultimately causing me to attempt suicide twice by way of overdose.

as a child I was emotionally and physically abused by my father.. this was on and off till my early twenties.. the abuse was also inflicted on my mother and sister... none the less my parents have stayed together and are okay now.. my dad has somewhat chilled out in his old age (62)

at the age of 28 I still did not have much direction in my life and was working at a gym earning peanuts.. at this gym I met my soon to be wife... she was a divorced single mom with a beautiful little girl (7).. she took a liking to me but for a while i was not that keen on her but as time went on i developed feelings for her.. the thought of taking on a child scared me but the kid stole my heart and soon I had two loves in my life.. we dated for a while but then I was unexpectedly fired from that job..
I was jobless for a while but managed to find work in personal training and eventually was employed by a large gym franchise, the salary was not great but it was better than nothing... at this stage I still lived with my parents in an outside house on the property which I brought a bed for my girlfriends daughter.. we continued to date, we were best friends, we did not fight at all.. the child took a long time to accept me as her dad was emotinally abusive towards her mom during there 3 month mairrage... she still saw her dad every second night but was petrified of him although she felt obliged to spend time with him.
2.5 years had passed and these girls became a huge part of my life, I was bessotted with them...

October 2013 I had to have my second spine operation... one of the screws from a previous op had broken and was ment to be removed, the op was a failure, the lamencamty was done but for some unknown reason (according to the surgeons) I almost bled to death and they had to abort leaving the broken screw in me.
during revovery I fell into a deep depression and started to questin every life decision I had ever made.. My girlfriend suppourted me through all of this.. once I could walk again we had booked a month holiday away for the 3 of us... I proposed to my girlfrend and she said yes.. the three of us were so happy..

as i began to recover I decided that I had to go into work on my own so I could build a life for the three of us.. I opened my own gym which became very successfull... then life really took off, I had moved home 3 times with my fiance and stepchild.. we got married in may 2015 and were living in a large home.. everytning felt perfect, I was content but then the wheels came off.. I felt pressure to provide, pressure to keep the money coming in so we could afford this lifestyle, the stress of moving 3 times, the wedding, the responsibility through me into a wicked game of insomnia... which ultimately led me to my life being ruined.

I was getting sleeping pills from the doctor, the calmed me, helped me sleep.. I felt rested but it soon turned to a severe addiction.

A very attractive woman started training with me and we became friends... she was a CA , very successful, young, ambitious and we had so much in common...

she also had trouble sleeping so I suggested she try sleeping pills, she did... I confided in her about the pressure I was feeling in the mairage regarding providing, being a stepdad, my inlaws had a good relationship with my wife's ex husband which I could not stand, they went fishing with him, I had to have coffee with the lot of them all the time, I couldnt handle seeing them all together knowing what he had done to my wife... things like breaking into her house after she left him and smashing her car to pieces, breaking her nose, kidnapping the child whilst she was at a friends house, he hid in the garden and ran and stole her..

this woman saw how unhappy I was and took the oppurtunity to lure me in.. she was getting pills from a dodge pharmcacy that would sell sleeping pills to anyone.. she provided me boxes and the point i had a constant supply of my fix.. she would bring them to gym, put them in my post box, meet me at random places to give them to me. \
This woman became obsessed with me, she preteneded to be everything I wanted. I played guitar, she brought herself a guitar, I game, she brought herself a ps4.
it got to a point I was taking 10 pills a day, going through a box every 3 days.. she just kept providing them..
she then declared her feelings for me and said she can no longer train with me, I was petrified because I was not going to be able to get my pills.. I snapped and told her I have feelings for her... which ultimately lead me to sleeping with her...
I was disgusted in myself, the guilt consumed me and only made me take more pills which she gladly provided.. I was up to about 13 a day.. this carried on for months to the point I knew I needed help but didnt know where to go or who to turn to.. the pills changed me, I was a horrible person, depressed, irritable, sad and angry... I knew I had to get rid of this girl but I just couldnt let the pills go...

eventually my wife caught me out, she was devestated, it was the early hours of the morning, she told me it was over... I tried to explain to her what had been going on but she refused to hear it... I overdosed and woke up in icu and a few days later I was taken to rehab for 3 weeks..

I am now off pills but lost my home, my child and my beautiful wife... my business has taken a knock... I live between friends and family...
my wife wants nothing to do with me and I am pretty much waiting for divorce papers.. I would give anything for another chance at my marraige,,
Posted: April 28, 2016, 7:43 PM

Posts: 6299
Joined: May 27, 2005

OK You quit pills but what have you done to change your thinking? Do you go to meetings? Are you in therapy? Getting off the dope is only half the battle.

This post has been edited by 12 stepper on April 28, 2016, 7:44 PM


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