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Message Board > Nicotine > Step One


Posted by: justjane June 3, 2009, 9:53 PM
I am starting out at step one tonight. For myself I am going to list the ways cigarettes rule my life.

It was suggested to me that I wrote my personal 'step one' down so that I could see it for what it really was!

Admitted we were powerless over N I C O T I N E and that our lives were unmanageable....



The fear it created. What if my second hand smokes kills my children, myself, or some randome person. I am afraid my other addictions killed one of my best friends if it wasn't for me introducing this to Misty she may still be alive to be a mother to Wyatt.

The guilt it created. I am embarassed that I smoke, that my children smell like smoke. That I may in some way influence them to smoke

The regret it created. What kind of condition might my teeth, my smile, my skin, my body be if I hadn't started this terrible addition

The harm I did to myself. In the future and now just like any addiction it has no good outcome The harm has started

The harm I did to other people. I am knowingly putting my children in harms way by smoking Shouldn't that be reason enough?

The financial damage. It is definately a financial strain/ black hole

The psychological damage. I am often embarassed about my smoking, it causes me to feel inferior, It causes some low self esteem

The relationship damage. Mr right might not like cigarettes, my kids hate it, my mom wishes I wouldn't, I don't like myself when smoking, who else may i be to ashamed to be friends with because I would have to let it out of the bag that I smoke

The mental damage. I can't think like a non smokere. I don't remember a time when I could do something without having a cigarette first. Scarey![B]

How it effected my working. [B]Every time I look for a new job smoking is an issue, I have to take breaks, I reek when i come back in, and sometimes I fall out of focus because I want one so badly


How it effected my self esteem.Again I do not like myself when I smoke. It makes me feel rebelious and hateful. I am ashamed that I smoke. It fluctuates between shame and rebelion F*** you ! I smoke, to sneaking behind a garbage can, building, back alley to "sneak a smoke" how twisted?

The “unmanageability”, I use cigarettes to cover up guilt, resentment, hatred, debt, anxiety, fear, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, depression, self loathing or covering up any emotions good or bad that I may have.

Though I am not gung hoe as I have ever been. I realize that right now cigarettes are making my life unmanagable. I have no control over my using. I am really letting that sink in. I do not want to live this way.


Posted by: MomNMore June 3, 2009, 10:22 PM
Hmmmmmm....Jane, I hate thinking about this...I wonder why...now why'd you have to go and stir me all up? I've been thinking about it for a long, long time...yuck...now I have to think about it more seriously. Very interesting post, thanks for sharing.

Peace and good luck~MomNMore

Posted by: justjane June 9, 2009, 7:20 PM
I am back to step one. I am no where near nicotine free. I am just tryng to cement in the unmanageability of this disease all the things I feel I cannot do with out a cigarette:
1. Wake up
2. Sleep
3. Drive
4.Drink Coffee
5. Drink soda
6. Eat
7. Be plesant
8. Relax
9. Find friends
10. Keep friends
11. Be social
12. Be me
13. Be cool
14. Have a small reward for myself (I just finished XXX I am gonna go smoke)
15. Sit for several hours (I can't sit here anymore I have got to go smoke)
16. Be bored (I'm bored, I am gonna go smoke)
17. Do housework (first I'll have a smoke then I will get up and get it done)
18. Let my fingernails dry
19. Wait for someone
20. Get incredible news/good or bad
21. Handle stress situations
I am sure I can come come up with more. After 23+ years smoking I am sure I am incapable of doing much without smoking. I am going to have to relearn alot. Right now my life is unmanageable. I hope I can come to belive. It's all I have.

Posted by: 12 stepper June 10, 2009, 8:14 AM
Having to wait for someone (which drives me crazy anyway) is my worst trigger. That and boredom. But I can relate to all the rest too.

Posted by: justjane March 22, 2011, 5:03 PM
BUMP for myself

Posted by: justjane March 26, 2012, 6:03 PM
Bump! Cause this time I did it! I kicked it.

I haven't smoked for a full year. Just goes to show. You never know when it is actually going to work. Keep trying.

I should bump the first time I tried back in 06-07. I was a wreck. OR the time after that, or the time after that.. Get it?



Posted by: 24Gordon March 27, 2012, 11:09 AM
That's so awesome.

It's amazing, isn't it, to not smoke anymore? I had a gal tell me the other night she couldn't picture me smoking. Interesting since I smoked for so many years.

I'm about two weeks away from 2 years smoke free. Not only am I healthier but the freedom from it is undescribable.

xoxo

Posted by: MomNMore March 27, 2012, 1:02 PM
It's awesome, isn't it?

I love not smelling like an ashtray. I cannot for the life of me imagine how grossed out my non-smoker husband must've been a year and half ago...for the full 28 years we had been married at that time. A smoker for 37 years...what was I thinking?

Go Jane! Go Stacey!

QUOTE
It's easy to quit smoking. I've done it hundreds of times. ~Mark Twain


Posted by: justjane March 28, 2012, 10:21 AM
LOL! Stacey thats great. You are the reason I stopped. When I read that you had done it I thought I could probably do it too. And you were right!>
Good job MOMn aren't we an amazing bunch?! Doin all this stuff I thought I could never do.

XOXOs

Posted by: cowgirl March 28, 2012, 12:27 PM
yea, this helps..feel like a total loser.

While I'm so happy for you three and you have so much to proud of and toot your own horns, I hate you too. Why is this so hard for me?

This thread is like the guilt trip from hell. Why can't I do it? What is WRONG with me?

Whatever..

You guys rock and are my heros, that's just a given.

Posted by: justjane March 28, 2012, 2:11 PM
You can and will when your ready CG. We all have been hanging around this board for a long time. You have seen me try and fail MANY times. The trick is to keep trying. The truth seems to me though that if your not ready, the trying is just that Trying instead of doing ya know?

Posted by: cowgirl March 29, 2012, 11:29 AM
I try to talk myself into believing that I'm ready, that I want this so bad. But I don't believe myself. I know, don't stop trying and I won't. I haven't given up. I just feel like such a loser, seriously depresses the hell out of me. I want so badly to be like you 3. Being a smoker is so not cool. It's just gross. I hide it now. I immediatly wash my hands and when I do go out to smoke, I put a shower cap on so that my hair won't stink. My family knows I'm still smoking I just don't want them to see it. I hardly ever smoke in public, just at home.

Oh my God, is this drug behavior or what!

lol My birthday is the 27th of April. I want to be done by that day. Give myself the greatest gift of all.. I haven't smoked this morning yet, reading this is keeping me from running outside in the rain to do so. Getting out the nicotrol inhaler now...

Posted by: cowgirl April 4, 2012, 12:13 PM
Wow..I made it 7 days. I didn't smoke that day of my last post, detiremend and inspired by this thread... I come back here and read it every morning just before I sign off. It's my reminder and my kick in the butt.

Amazing how much better I feel.

Posted by: MomNMore April 4, 2012, 2:35 PM
Go you =)

Posted by: lynnette November 17, 2012, 8:51 PM
I'm a smoker too and it's awful .. thanks for posting this; it's where I'm at now and with a younger daughter and an older one .. I feel guilt Everytime I look at them and yep it's very hard to face me in my own addiction .. smoking has been my constant companion through grief, loss, you name it for as far back as I can remember .. what's worse is there are days when i think it's been so long, what's the point now ?

not sure where to turn but i am truly struggling with even the desire to quit .. good reading though .. thanks again ..

Posted by: MomNMore November 17, 2012, 10:10 PM
I used to say, next month, the first of the year, on my birthday, when I turn 50...you name, I made an excuse for it, including the one you just mentioned that it had been so long already why bother. But after 37 years I quit by using the e-cigarettes and Lisa has been smoke free for several months the same way and Kat has a couple of years as well...it worked for us, it can work for you.

Peace, Lynette...good to see you ~ M&M

Posted by: Lynnette November 19, 2012, 1:35 AM
did you just smoke the e-cigarrette ? i do have one of those .. I haven't faithfully tried it yet .. Maybe I will at least pull it out and see .. It's always good to see you Mom .. thanks for the encouragement .. i feel like such a loser too .. when i look at others i have this secret fear .. wow, it's hard to imagine my life without them ..

Posted by: Lynnette November 19, 2012, 1:36 AM
I will say it's an addiction that's not about love .. i feel like what is the matter with me .. i have kids i cherish and still it's rough ..

I also see a ton of shame in me as I wrote the above what is the matter with "Me" .. definition of shame at best ..

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