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Posted: October 27, 2019, 9:16 AM
I don’t think I ever had a problem with drinking. I would have a few drinks when I would go out with friends. Maybe a few times a month.
Did not have anything to drink last night and actually felt better and did not miss her as much. I return to my house tomorrow night and she was supposed to go to a hotel. But now she is contemplating staying in the house when I am there. | ||
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Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: October 27, 2019, 11:12 AM
Hi Chicago - I'm sure you will figure this out. Your doing a good job of coping. When you are drinking less, you will be feeling better.
I see the 'drama of crazy land' sucking you in.... lol First she will go to her parents, then to a hotel, now she is staying at your house. every decision trickles down to the easiest path That is like rubbing salt in your wounds.... In addiction, everything becomes a shell game... who's on first.... idk if this is done on purpose or if it is just the inability to make and a decision... but this behavior ends up keeping you constantly in flux, not knowing what's going on and no concrete decision or rules or boundaries apply.... you stay on the hook waiting for something... Hopefully you can make this work out better for yourself instead of worse. A key is to take back your life asap, before other options that you are not OK with, creep in and become OK. insist she go else where. you need time to be back in your house and start getting your life back to normal. your home needs to be your 'safe zone' It is her right to live the way she wants, It is your right to decide that you do not want to live the way she wants you to. You don't have to divorce right away, you can definitely decide on a firm separation that will give both of you space. and you can get together, but not at your house or her place of residence. That gives you both a safe place without the intrusion of the other. PS - her belongings - It is OK for you to remove her stuff from your everyday sight and put in the garage. she can go to garage to get her stuff only if she lets you know she will be there. You can tell her to pack her stuff before she leaves or you will be doing it. Sometimes we are afraid to push or enforce our 'rules' or our wants. For some reason we are afraid to upset them... I have found when I have pushed my rule, my son responds better than I thought he would, and I end up thinking, wow I wish I did that sooner. I have seen others on the site who have done that too. when they really went outside of the box to keep their boundaries in place, the addicted person reacted better maybe they really cant make a decision and don't know what to do, and keep options open, so they actually Need Us to enforce the rules... This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on October 27, 2019, 11:21 AM | ||
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Posted: October 27, 2019, 12:49 PM
The biggest problem I have right now is that she is insistent that she does not have a problem and that she has it under control and it is something I can’t even talk to her about.
And she has poisoned my in-laws towards me. Said everything is my fault from stress I imposed on her. I actually love my in-laws and when I talked with my father in-law yesterday he blamed me for everything. This post has been edited by Chicagopilot on October 27, 2019, 12:51 PM | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: October 27, 2019, 3:33 PM
Hi Chicago -
I was reading posts and came across a post from Bryn: Bryn's quote "As a recovering addict I can tell you that part of the awful addiction process is us laying guilt on you. It's misplaced and plain c*ap." | ||
Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: October 27, 2019, 5:05 PM
Chicago she is in denial and she's controlling plus she's slandered you to her parents. She threatens to call the police and falsely accuse you of domestic violence. On top of ALL this, she censors you so you can't talk about her cocaine addiction.....These are ALL VERY serious issues.....and red flags
This post has been edited by Sallyanna on October 27, 2019, 7:04 PM | ||
Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: October 27, 2019, 8:35 PM
Chicago - I hope that talking to us here is helping you with the craziness surrounding you. Several of the parents here helped me SO MUCH when my son had relapsed & had sunk into a new level of insanity that no one in the family could understand or deal with!!! They helped me know I was doing the best I could & my son needed to help himself.
He is stable now..... I think. My heart skips a beat when he calls & I'm not sure I will ever be able to fully trust him again. I love him but I hate his addiction & what it has done to my beautiful son. My husband & I tried to be supportive of his good decisions and unfortunately spent a small mint "helping" him and every penny might as well been flushed down the toilet because not one single penny changed anything. It is definitely a crazy train & it is very easy to get sucked in & very hard to get off.... | ||
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Posted: October 27, 2019, 8:46 PM
Wow, that sounds so similar, the amount of money I have spent making her happy, diamonds, Rolex, boob job, Range Rover, big home, own business. All just a waste. In the end the addiction won.
And yes everyone here has been a big help. This post has been edited by Chicagopilot on October 27, 2019, 8:47 PM | ||
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Posted: November 7, 2019, 3:38 PM
Here is an update. While cocaine had been used a few times it turns out it was an alcohol problem. I moved back into the house and she went to a hotel, said she needed more time to sort things out in her head. Then Sunday morning at 1AM while she was driving back to the hotel she hit a curb, blew her tire out and got a DUI. I was of course who she called to come bail her out. She came back to the house with me and has been here ever since. She told me everything that was going on and that she wants to work things out with me. But she still seems distant. No affection being reciprocated. But she seems vulnerable. She got a bit crabby with me this morning and instead of arguing I just went upstairs and laid in bed. She made it a point to come upstairs and apologize to me and tell me how much she loves me. Something just feels off.
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Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: November 7, 2019, 4:46 PM
Chicago, go with your gut. Like some of us said before, she COULD be keeping you near as her "just in case" or "Plan B". I'm sure she's thinking you will hire an attorney for her, pay her fines & alcohol classes. And she'll need a ride to & from work while her license is suspended.
Again, it is so said that she is doing this to herself & you. Don't be surprised if drug WERE involved. Something the addict will only admit to the lesser of the evils. Keep your guard up & stay true to your instincts. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, sounds like a duck - it's a duck.... Addicts will not stop lying just because they feel bad. Oh, I'm sure she feels like sh** right now but don't fall for it. If she REALLY wants to work on your relationship, she will be more than willing to do whatever that means, including couples counseling, etc. Make HER make some decisions to see how truthful she is being. For example: Ask her WHAT exactly she wants to do to work on the relationship, don't make suggestions. Let HER make the suggestions Good luck!!! | ||
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Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: November 7, 2019, 9:12 PM
All I can think of is...wolf in sheep's clothing...I think your are right, somethings not right and I think she should go back to the hotel and don't bail her out anymore. I think she's using you and not in a good way. Sorry Chicagopilot I think Id 'fly off' from this relationship before there's a 'crash landing'.
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: November 8, 2019, 9:41 PM
Hi CP - we've been in the situation you are in with our son. take him back, brush him off, give him all the accessories he needs to go to work. then wait to see if he flies on his own. watch, wait, for imagined improvement. We have given another $20, another tank of gas, while he was 'trying to figure it out'..… we have known as were doing it, that we were being lied to, or we just didn't have the courage to say no. (what if we were wrong in our hunch that he wasn't clean) We would talk things out and hope for the best, and wait... he would come home early, do the dishes, watch a tv show with us.... you will come to terms with this in your own way.
either things will get better or they wont. only time will tell. our son has a lot of good qualities (like all of our kids here) we wanted to reward the good, but not the bad. sometimes it is hard to do both. even when I knew I was enabling, I hoped he would be able to stop the addiction on his own. I knew at some I would get to the point where I had to stop, but I had to get to that point. You will get to that point in your own time, which is different for all of us. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on November 8, 2019, 9:42 PM | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: November 8, 2019, 9:52 PM
A side topic. over the past year I have done more 'research' watching youtube video and reading about recovery. There was a common denominator for those who managed to stay sober for a few years. The points that stood out for me were that 1. they needed a passion, a reason to be sober 2. they needed to do the recovery program of their choice 100%, 80% does not count 3. in order to succeed at 1 and 2 they needed to stay in the program in some aspect by going to meetings, counselor, volunteering to help others in the program.
Looking back, for years we saw the good 80% our son was doing and thought that was good enough. 80% clean is better than 60% clean. soon he would be doing 100% - so we didn't want to rock the boat and get on his case and give him a reason to use drugs and alcohol.... "you don't see the good I'm doing, only the bad"... The fact is that they need to be sober 100% in order to become the responsible adult they are supposed to be. its a tough place being the loved one of an addict. we weave a large and thick safety net. Its big and heavy. hard to move out of the way. we have been weaving it for years. we all know its there. we all grow to depend on it. | ||
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Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: November 9, 2019, 4:51 AM
Great posts NTF....thank you
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Posted: November 24, 2019, 9:44 PM
So crazy. Everything seems fine now. Things are back to normal and we just seemed to have moved past it.
She is not using, she is not drinking, and she acts like everything is fine. I don’t really know what to make of it. We booked a three week trip to Maui over Christmas, I am just so confused. | ||
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Joined: November 10, 2019
Posted: November 25, 2019, 12:14 AM
I think it's classic manipulation and denial. Something did happen and you must know things are NOT normal, right? Then she gets rewarded with a trip to Maui for 3 weeks after all she has put you through??? I'm confused....
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Posted: November 25, 2019, 6:08 PM
We do Maui twice a year for the last 5 years. Always over Christmas and again at the end of March, so not so much like a reward just returning life back to normal.
I am trying to make my marriage work and at the same time help her get herself to a better place. She is working hard in therapy and meetings to make things in her life better. I feel like I need to be supportive. | ||
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Posted: November 25, 2019, 10:58 PM
Hi CP - Yup, its complicated.
We have taken our son back a number of times. Each time, if he had turned himself around, we would have said it was worth it and right for us to do. Unfortunately, after many years, we could not keep taking him back with the same poor results. dealing with our children is different than dealing with a spouse. As they say, Time Will Tell. Live like everything is back to normal, but clean up a bit of (financial) loose ends and keep your guard up a bit. A blip is a blip, maybe things will be OK. On the other hand, if your not comfortable, see a therapist to talk it out. It will take time. (the relative I talked about tried to rebuild the marriage for a few years, but she was not participating as an equal, so after much grief over the situation, he had to leave) Best Wishes for a Happy Holiday! | ||
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Posted: November 26, 2019, 12:04 AM
I think like NTF stated in her post keep one eye open. I'm sure you are happy things are okay right now and you must be relieved. I guess I see some concern when you stated in your post "I don't know what to make of it" and "I'm just so confused". These statements indicate some uncertainty on your part and rightfully so. I just would hate for this pattern or cycle of her behavior to keep repeating itself. Its not fair to you to have the rug pulled out. My concern is for your well being and happiness which takes mutual respect and trust in any relationship.
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Posted: November 27, 2019, 12:25 PM
That's just super out of the norm. Who knows?? It sounds like a sound plan to move forward as normal without getting your hopes too high. I would still recommend that you seek out a support group and/or counseling to make sure YOU are being taken care of & that your needs are equally important in this relationship.
I would ask yourself these questions or something similar (and, no need to post the answers, as they are for you. : ) ) I had a counselor share this exercise with me WAY back in the day when I was in college. I was in an okay relationship but something did not seem right to me. I have used this ongoing with relationships at work, at home, etc. Negative answers don't necessarily mean you need to leave the relationship-just that it is not equal or healthy in the current state. Adjustments may need to be made. How do I feel after being with this person? Do they make me feel good about myself; a stronger person; a more balanced person? Do I feel safe and worthy in this relationship? Do I feel taken advantage of; feel worse about myself; feel weaker or more unsure of my worth? Do I feel uneasy or down after spending time with the person? Just an honest opinion and you can take it for what it is worth. You are spending a lot of money on her. If I was her, this would make me feel uncomfortable because I wouldn't feel right taking that type of money/gifts. But, I am kinda a feminist, so there you go. : ) Just make sure it is balanced for you. Take care of yourself. Good luck and keep us posted. I hope it works out and she continues staying clean. | ||
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Posted: November 28, 2019, 12:30 PM
P2 I really like the questions you shared with us, very helpful. I wish you and everyone in our forum a Happy Thanksgiving!
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