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Holy s*** I'm Sober...

Posts: 18
Joined: November 13, 2016

Posted: November 13, 2016, 9:42 PM
This seems rather enjoyable...

Let me tell you a story... or rather let me tell myself a story and you can follow along if you will. I am the "garden variety alcoholic" as I've seen and heard it referred to as. I am fighting the good fight on a day to day basis... So what, right? Big deal. Millions across the nation and around the world fight addiction and worse on a daily. I'm not special. I'm not different. I'm an a****** that chose to drink irresponsibly, gamble irresponsibly (which now I don't know if there is a responsible way to shove money into a machine and watch it go bye-bye), drink and drive, alienate my family members, alienate the list goes on. I don't need someone to pat me on the back this time and say "Oh everything is going to get better". Nope...nothing will get better, unless I care.

I went to Detox on October 21, 2016. Let me rewind, The 18th I was laid off from an amazing opportunity that was just given to me. Well, if I'm being honest I was chased for this position for a good couple of months. Why did they want me? I still have no f***ing clue. I'm an alcoholic....albeit I was very "High functioning" in my mind....I am an alcoholic. I don't really know how high I truly functioned I just know I kicked a** at my job and rarely had any issues caused by anything of my doing. (BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OK, so I see now that I just didn't think any of my problems were my fault)

I couldn't keep my mouth shut.... problem #1.

I found out the company was being sold... they finalized everything and then I start hearing that my comm center is being dissolved and I may possibly be laid off prior to the holidays this year. Well, that didn't sit so well with me so what do I do? I go confront the CFO... yeah I know I've got some pretty big balls.

I meet with her much like any other day and professionally and nicely asked for information regarding the comm center and it's end... she confirmed it to be set to be dissolved. She then states there may be a parts position in the hangar that one of the "agents" could do, in her words. So basically she wasn't including me in this. I went back to my office and spoke with the agent who was on duty and she tells me that the parts position has already been offered to another agent in our comm center. Hot damn that lit me up like a candle so I set to email to get some answers. big fat mouth and that EGO. Little Miss I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Pfft how naive I am.

Her response to my email in short (paraphrased like a mother trucker...); The parts position wasn't offered to her, she was informed about the job she will need to interview like anyone else. I heard you have an interview I thought you were going to the Dr.

Well, that just shows me A) She didn't want me to know about the parts position in order to apply and interview and B) She doesn't listen. I told her that morning I would be making a Dr appointment. More than likely that Dr appointment would have been a chance for me to have an extended away from the office to go Drink and gamble because my job was just too easy. Dammit I'm stupid. Anyways back to the story...

So, she found out about my interview. Oops? No, I'm not sure I really gave a f*** if she knew, hence my lack of tact while discussing it in the office. Anyways I digress, She finds out and flips out. She came down to the South building and begins telling me how I have no lunch break. An absurd disagreement follows including a moment in time she suffered severe memory loss and forgot that she had just told me not even 3 hours earlier that the Comm Center would be dissolved...because she tells me she didn't tell me that. Then she tells me I need to decide if I want my job or not (in my head I think yeah for what another 3 months? f*** you and your "Job") In reality I said "I love my job, I want to be here, but if you want to fire me that's your decision 100%" She sayid when I returned from my interview to give her an answer...

I'm not really sure that this has any baring in anything other than the fact that I'm still absurdly upset about how she laid me off. Long story longer; I go to my interview but not without first needing a mechanic from the hangar jump my car due to a dead battery.... after my interview I have to have my boyfriend come pick me up and return to the office. I called her while waiting for my boyfriend to show up and asked if I needed to come see her when I got back. I don't know if it was intuition or just the clipped way she said "yup" but I knew the end was near.

I walked into the office and was laid off.

I asked for it earlier in the day. Like I literally said out loud "How can I get fired but still be eligible for unemployment". It was taken as a joke the few in the office were just as butt hurt by the sale of the company because quite a few people got screwed on the ESOP program they ran. Very few people made out like bandits and will retire early....Those of us screwed commiserated quite well, while keeping our spirits at least off the ground.

Once I was laid off I gathered my belongings in a leisurely manner as I didn't see a threat until one of the employees came out and began using the "You need to collect your things and leave or I'm calling the police"....I hustled up after that. Only to forget multiple items...

This wasn't the beginning of my drinking problem but the beginning of my bottom. I've been drinking for the last 10 years pretty much every day. 10 years of my life and I'm not even 30 yet.... I have 25 days sober today. f*** I'm sober...not in the sense where I am devastated that I'm sober. Actually, today it's the opposite. I'm shocked and in aw of myself for the last 25 days. Yes 4 of those days were in a facility....but yes that facility was also a very OPEN and UNLOCKED door I could have walked out of and returned to drinking as I had been. 10+ shots on a very regular basis...

After I was laid off I went off....waaaaaay off the handlebars. I went to drink the rest of the day I lost my job away. Then I took myself to the bar the next day to nurse a hangover and ended up losing most of the day in a drunken stupor/blackout. I deposited my final pay check but don't remember driving to the bank. I returned to the bar after depositing my checks and I don't know if I got kicked out or if I just left because I was drunk enough or what....I just don't remember. BUT I do remember going to KFC....the Fat girl in me remembers that. I got home, ate, and passed out for 4 hours or so until my boyfriend got home from work. Panic set in. I couldn't remember where my car had been parked.

I remembered blips of what happened that afternoon. Not very many blips...but a few.

The next day I decided I needed to be institutionalized....

I made some calls and found a facility that would take me.
(I had not yet been signed up for insurance for my job because it was actually sold twice.... once after I came on about 4 months after I was hired and then again a month and a half after the first sale.)

Off to the Welfare office I went. I was horrified.... but all I had to do was apply to be accepted by this detox facility. Even if I was denied coverage I would not be held responsible for the bill. In my alcoholic brain free is better than anything else.

I applied...the next day I took myself to the facility and checked in. A scared and horrifying looking MA student came out to take my pre-screen information. "Oh I really have to let this guy touch me. Shut up Serenity just let them help you...ok ok me."

He gathered the required information and then said "I'm going to take this to the nurse and then..." Nervously trails off and leaves.

Panic built up.... "AND THEN WHAT?!!?? I swear if you don't take me in I'm going straight to the bar and drowning my sorrows and hopefully myself."

Right as I began thinking I could just leave and act like it never happened and save myself the pain of being rejected by a place for rejects. The caseworker came out and he nonchalantly picked up conversation. One thing led to the next and suddenly I'm sobbing begging for help and he's telling me even though I don't need exactly what they offer he was willing to talk to the nurse and see about getting me the help. He came back rather quickly saying "Let's do this"... It was the highlight of my life, as I see it now. I was accepted. I was wanted....I needed help and they wanted to help me.

Detox was a difficult/scary/fun/traumatic/humbling/energizing/hopeful experience....there are so many emotions about it.

I can tell you this...2 girls both younger than me, but not by much, have horrible and serious health conditions due to their drinking. When I think "I'm not that bad...." I can also think...."Do you really want to be that bad? IF you could keep drinking."

Detox was a version of scared straight for me. At least so far it has. I saw people that were still functional, I saw people who look and talk just like me....then I saw the people who have reached the level of insanity only alcohol and addiction can drive one to meet. It terrified me....

I don't want to be that person.

I've been through so much that I PUT MYSELF THROUGH. No one else is to blame. No one else fed me that drink after drink after drink after drink. Now, I'm the one who has to clean up the mess.

Only me....

Posts: 18
Joined: November 13, 2016

Posted: December 14, 2016, 6:06 PM
Holy s***, I'm still sober. 55 days today. WOOT go me....

That's really the only praise I want. Is praise from myself. I secretly need affirmation that I'm doing the right thing for myself. Ok not so secretly. I'm just learning that I don't want PRAISE....praise for what? Praise for not being an a****** any more like I have been for the last 10 years? No thank you. I'm just happy I'm not a drunk in the casino blowing every dime I make.

I was able to save about 500$ in the last 55 days. I'm pretty happy about this. Now, I blew every time I made in the last 10 years, gambled away. I won $16,000 in May....I was in a position most people dream of. Bag of money sitting in my closet waiting for me to spend it. Which I did.... I could have spent it on necessities like paying my bankruptcy payment but there were so many things that were more important to me at the time. Some things I don't regret, blowing a grand at a spa....first time ever in my life was I able to just say I want to add this service and this service to my massage and no I don't care how much it costs. It felt good to be able to do whatever I wanted. I also took my mom on a trip to see my Great Aunt before she got sick. She subsequently passed away in October. I was able to see her before all of that. Praise God.... I couldn't get to her before she passed, in fact...we thought she was getting better. The next day it turned for the worst and she went to be with Jesus. Man that hurt...but I got to see her. I got to tell her I love her and she got to make me laugh by saying "Thanks..." ahaha I'll never forget that. The next day when I told her I loved her before we left to return home I got a "Well I love you too sweetheart. Oh MY God she reminded me of my Grams so so much. Well, duh...they were sisters but anyways now their together dancing in Heaven and I'm here....under their ever watchful eye, beginning to make them proud. Making myself proud...

Ok rambling done for the day. Hopefully I'll be back before another 25 days passes. I forget how therapeutic it is to just ramble on and on and onnnnnnnn ya!

xoxo Thanks for reading. Be well....Don't drink, no matter what!

Posts: 18
Joined: November 13, 2016

Posted: January 11, 2017, 12:35 PM
Holy s***...I'm still sober!

So I'm at 83 days today. Crazy to me to think that I've made it this far and that it's anything like an accomplishment. I feel like I've found an understanding of my previous self that I never had. I wanted to blot out the conciseness of my existence and now I don't want to. I see that the drink never fixed anything. Gambling never helped anything and FINALLY at long last I see that weed...isn't an anti depressant and no longer is needed as I have prescribed medications that DO help me.

I did have some crazy dreams last night, as I do with this medication sometimes.

One of them I kept having to let this raccoon back was deformed in some way it had a long skinny snout and apparently everyone was terrified of it. Several times I grabbed it by the snout and tossed it outside as hard as I could... it would come right back in the dog door. So I had a friend take a small crate and kill it. Although this time as I put it in the crate I severely broke it's snout as I was afraid it would bite me. So it was gone....but another one came!!!! AHHHHH so I repeated the craziness... it attacked me several times. Then I woke up. Crackers and cheese seemed like a good idea. Back to sleep I went. 5 am rolls around and I'm dreaming again. This time about getting out of some place I was being held against my will with some other people. We kept going through door after door trying to find the way outside. We finally made it...I was wearing a janitor's uniform that seemed to be a good disguise. we're in this sporty little car on our way up I 5 from what looked like a rock quarry. What....the....f*** is going on in my brain.

I guess I'll take crazy raccoons over drunk dreams any day. Last week I had a dream that I can't remember much about except for the fact that I wanted to kill myself. I either couldn't stop drinking or gambling. I was done. I just couldn't quit so I wanted and planned a way to kill myself. Thank God when I woke up that day I got my a** to a meeting. It took all day for my head to follow the positive direction I was taking it but that just proves...if you bring your a** your head will follow. Sometimes quickly....sometimes slowly.

Today I have therapy and group therapy. I'm hoping to get my a** to the gym. I'm not liking how much weight I've gained and I NEED to do something about it!

Posts: 18
Joined: November 13, 2016

Posted: November 6, 2017, 7:01 PM
Well.... It's now been 382 days and... holy s*** I'm still sober.

It's been a whirlwind of a year. I got heavily into the program of AA, Celebrate Recovery and an intensive outpatient program for Gambling. It's changed my life. The way I handle life today is completely different from a over a year ago... It's crazy. I can't believe that I have the opportunities I have today. I can't believe I have the mental clarity. I can't believe I have the confidence in myself I've longed for since I started drinking... wait... yes I can. I can believe all of these things because this is my life today.

I am blessed beyond measure. Life is moving along in the most pleasant way. I have road bumps, sure, even this morning I have been quietly imploding. I went to therapy and now I'm feeling better. I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes. However, there is NOTHING that has made me drink. I have considered it...many times. I've considered gambling many times... I refrained. I held onto my new way of life by the skin of my teeth sometimes...but I did.

I have so much support and so much love in my life. Not romantic...that's still a little sucky but... the love I have is so big that it blinds the need for any other kind of love. It just is. It's beautiful. My relationships with my family have begun the road of recovery. It has taken a lot of tear, loud conversations, and quiet reflection. It's taken work. I have been working towards this life I have and I will keep working.

I just logged in after 10 months and saw this post has had over 4 thousand views. That's insane.. I surely hope that when you read this... something has helped you. Something has touched you in a way that gives you strength and hope. There is hope... there's a new way of life. No matter how far down you've gone, it takes 12 steps to get out... take each one thoughtfully.. don't lose hope, don't lose balance.


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