Just A Hell Of A Video
Posted: April 14, 2018, 10:51 PM


Posts: 971
Joined: May 14, 2015



Damn lynn...made me sad..but you write good. Thinking of you and hope it's a better day. I have no clue to know what it's like that you been through, but know both you and Jill are in my heart. I've said before I can hear your strength even if you don't feel it...
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Posted: May 27, 2018, 9:46 AM


Posts: 635
Joined: April 4, 2016



Hey MK . . . what's shaking??? How are you? What's happening?

Haven't been on here in a while. The roller coaster of emotions continues. It has gotten softer in some ways. On more days. But, I'm still pissed at addiction. I underestimated it. Jill underestimated it. But to keep getting out of bed MOST days, I guess I act like recovery from addiction doesn't exist. Ok. Ok. Sounds crazy, I know. But those FB posts on "my kid has been clean 6 months, 1 year, 3 years" really bother me. I think, "Why not me?" "Why not my daughter?" "Wasn't my Jill worthy of this, too."

You see??? Instant down-er!!! Pity party.

So . . . have been trying to focus on awareness. Reducing stigma. And dealing with other grieving moms of addicts. That's all when I'm not trying to avoid the reality that August will mark 2 years since my J took carfentanyl. Smile.

Hmmm . . . a song???

Deborah Cox

Sending much love!!
Lynn

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on May 27, 2018, 10:14 AM



--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
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Posted: June 8, 2018, 7:27 PM


Posts: 971
Joined: May 14, 2015



Lynn, you aren't a downer at all! It's totally natural with the Facebook thing. I hear people all the time say they get sick of it for..Well not similar, but sort of. The envious bit. And why wouldn't you feel that? I'm glad your surrounding yourself with other mom's. And sometimes just getting out of bed and dressed is an accomplishment itself. ❤

I been alright. I've been obsessesed with psychology for several months now. Been a good and bad thing. But reading up has given me more self insight. I just started seeing a therapist. I like him. And he has a sense of humor..a plus. We'll see. As of now I have four norcos in my pocket. Haven't had any opiates in posession in years. Long story but they are supposed to be GONE. If they aren't soon maybe I'll just throw em away. :/ cause everyone only has so much self control...ugh. Anyway I didn't listen to song yet...I'll get to it later. Sending you hugs...
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Posted: July 27, 2018, 1:59 PM


Posts: 971
Joined: May 14, 2015



Hey lady..just thinking about you. Hope you are alright 🌻🌸
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Posted: August 6, 2018, 7:28 AM


Posts: 635
Joined: April 4, 2016



Hey MK!!! How are you? How are things going?

Sorry I've been MIA. I was caring for my 80+ yo aunt who had 2 strokes. Was driving 180 miles round-trip 2-3 times per week to see about her and her affairs. Girl . . . family can be crazy. The only good thing about this situation is that it gave me an opportunity to express ALL my anger. They got cussed out many many times. LOL.

My therapist says THIS is my normal. Humph!!!!! Normal??? Let me tell you . . . "normal" is overrated. Way overrated!!!! LOL This is not what I expected "normal" to be. I'd call it being resigned. . . finding my way, or making my way in a dark deep cavern, through a horrible situation. Still praying that God helps me to accept His plan for Jill's life and trust His plan for mine. Here's the secret: THIS IS NOT WHAT I ENVISIONED OR WANTED!!!!! And I really can't wait to join Jill.

It will be 2 years on August 29th since Jill got her wings. I'm amazed that I've made it this far. My secret??? Lying to myself. LOL. Kept telling me to take it one breath, one moment, one step at a time . . and things will get better. Well . . . I've one breathed myself, one momented myself and one stepped myself into almost 24 months. Don't think things have gotten better.
But I've survived my 2nd Christmas, New Years and Mother's Day without her plus her 2nd bday in heaven was July 20th. The missing increases . . . the hate for addiction has increased . . . and my intolerance for ignorance and meanness towards addicts and addiction has increased. But, the tears have decreased. This is normal???!!

I'm still looking for answers. (Again . . . Normal??) The subject matter changes from time to time. Right now, I'm wondering how Jill got the carfentanyl, why her bf (who was also a opioid addict) didn't take some too, and why her bf has been ghost (his last 2 FB posts in May showed him extremely thin & smoking a crack pipe). I'm thinking that he knew carfentanyl was in the batch she took. That maybe he used her as a guinea pig to see how "good" this stuff was. And now his guilt is eating him up. Or . . . maybe, if he had nothing to do with this fatal OD, he has survivor guilt. I think that he has not moved on or forgotten. Wish he would contact me. For what??? The last time he called . . . which may have been a year ago . . . he needed me to pay for an Uber. And I did. My family think I'm crazy that I even think, no less care, about this boy. But I do. Truth be told, . . . sssshhhhh . . . I'd move his tail into our house. (Couldn't save my only child. But maybe . . . with everything I now know . . . ??)

An ever present question . . . which I try to push out of my mind . . . is exactly what pains was J trying to soothe or escape with dope. I still have her cell phone and read her pain, depression, loneliness, frustration, despair in her FB, Intagram and other posts and writings. I didn't know at the time that what she was feeling was more than teenage growing pains. Ok. Ok. What can I do now that I have bits & pieces of information??? I know . . . nothing . . . but punish myself for not seeing it sooner. But I need to know.

I think one of the things that hurts the most is not having, and not being able to get, answers to my questions. Why my child? Why my family? Could I have done anything different? How can I help another parent not go through this, or support them if they are?

Normal???? Hmmmm . . . is this what we all strive for???

'Nough said.

This was one of Jill's favorite songs. Enjoy!


Best In Me

Sending hugs,
Lynn xoxo

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on August 6, 2018, 7:45 AM



--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
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Posted: August 12, 2018, 1:32 AM


Posts: 971
Joined: May 14, 2015



Hey Lynn..was so happy to hear from you the other day..I put off responding for a minute cause got super emotional reading. Then had some s*** go on and got distracted..but didn't forget! Yeah you got that right about how family can be crazy!! It's good you are able to help.

I've been ok. At least in the staying sober department. It never fails where I go..I'll meet someone. Earlier today met a guy at quick stop and he was trying to get me to do a line with him. He was being so (annoyingly) persistent. We talked for awhile. It wasn't really hard to decline...it was AFTER that it gets left in my head. And after going on four hours of sleep and few days till my period I put too much energy thinking about. But that's just today and over with.

Ok..So I DO NOT think you are crazy for still trying to stay in touch and help etc Jill's bf. Infact to me I think that's 'normal'. Healthy? Not sure..but yeah normal. I would imagine it would feel like you are keeping her close to you through him. Whatever the reasoning, it makes absolute sense to me. As far as how she ended up with carfentynal and he didn't. Well...yeah I could sit and tell you my theories but I know that wouldn't be helpful. What I will say is how often s*** is being cut with and people not knowing. Though I know you already know. I know I asked you before if you write? Well...if you ever wanna talk one on one...even just to vent or anything I have that line account (lostkat80) thought I'd mention again. Beautiful song btw. I'll post some meditation thing someone sent me. I'll be honest wasn't anything magical for me....but then I didn't give much of a chance. https://youtu.be/fD5d8Q-Kzew if you don't like maybe if someone else finds they will get some use of.
Talk to you later ❤

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Posted: August 12, 2018, 1:38 AM


Posts: 971
Joined: May 14, 2015



P.s. when I said theories, that was wrong choice of words...as I don't have any. I guess I meant coming up with different scenarios. Not sure why I felt the need to clarify that. (overthinking!) also I guess this site isn't a fan of the heart emoji.. I'll try a flower and pretend a heart ;) 🌸
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Posted: August 12, 2018, 3:28 PM


Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008



Doesnt matter how long you go...its' always with you...and you find yourself waking up ...walking down a street...In the middle of anything. ..and it comes screaming back....Most times...You can shake it...Sometimes. ..You can't. ...Never gets easier...Never goes away...monkey always wants to play...

sending wry smiles out to all

https://youtu.be/GvMcfb57MjA

Con

This post has been edited by constantine on August 12, 2018, 3:37 PM

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Posted: August 21, 2018, 6:57 AM


Posts: 635
Joined: April 4, 2016



MK . . . would love to hear your scenarios. Just need to know the realm of possibilities. Can't have this conversation with hubby. Hubby hates this boy and believes that Mr. Wonderful played a role in J's death both directly and indirectly.

Hey Con!!! Good to "see" you here.

In my head . . . not real talkative. Bracing for the angelversary. But was smart enough to plan a vacation . . . one from our bucket list . . . during the same time. Guess that was smart . . .having something positive and happy to look forward to at a dark time.

Song?? Nothing is coming to mind right now. Hmmmmm . . . .

Lynn
xoxo

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
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Posted: September 2, 2018, 2:01 PM


Posts: 635
Joined: April 4, 2016



We survived the 2nd angelversary. Didn't commit any homicides. And didn't try to commit suicide. So I think on a 1-10 scale, I get a 10. Smile.

Trying to make sense of this "new" life. Because I had so many questions, bc her bf has cut me off, and just bc . . . I contacted a medium. Long story made short . . . the medium (let's call her Susie) said that the bf is feeling super super guilty and responsible for what happened that night to my J. The bf got the carfentanyl & coke and was told that the stuff was strong, but he did not know how "strong." The person who sold or gave it to him, tho, knew. Susie also said that the bf warned J not to take too much bc of its strength and the fact that they had been in remission for a minute. Susie said the bf has been using crack as a way to escape his feelings. Susie said that my J knows that she had every reason to be here and should have worked harder on sobriety. Susie also said that J is embarrassed as to what happened. And J is working on some things now.

Hmmm . . . . this sounds like it could have happened. It sounds like a likely scenario of the events of 8.29.2016. But it still doesn't explain why he didn't use, too. I can't believe that a fellow opioid addict would let his gf indulge by herself and just watch. That does NOT sound plausible. Basically, this is like telling me that my ice cream loving hubby (If there was ice cream anonymous he would be an officer) and I go to an off-the-hook ice cream store; he encourages, lets or tells me to eat this rich, cream-made ice cream; but, he says, "I pass." This sounds suspect to me. I'd still love to hear any of ya'lls thoughts.

I know the bf is hurting. Hurting badly. I know that he feels responsible in some shape, form or fashion. One side of me wants to reach out to the bf and say, "I forgive you." (Guess I'm still a believer that with enough love you can do anything or heal anyone. Silly me.) I don't want J's death to fuel his use. But I have no way of reaching out to him. J's friends pre-FL treatment thought he was "sketchy" and haven't kept in contact with him. I don't know their FL treatment friends. Then . . . there is the other side of me. And it is thinking, "Are you ^$%)'ing crazy??? How can you EVER forgive him?" This side is grateful that I cannot contact him.

As for me . . . I'm still relying upon all of my bad habits. Thought I'd quit smoking cigs over the vacay. Ha Ha. WTH. Individually and/or collectively, my bad behavior is either a reward for navigating through & surviving a day, or a way of escape, or a way of self-soothing. What is it that Lolle always says??? The substances may be different but the way we see ourselves and the way we cope with the world is the same. I feel very uncomfortable in my skin. I've always felt that way. I'm just more comfy with admitting it.

Here's my song . . . I'm hoping that it is not a repeat. But it does describe my current mood. Sending hugs to all . . .

Danni & Liz

Lynn
xoxo

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on September 2, 2018, 2:15 PM

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
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Posted: September 3, 2018, 9:05 AM


Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008



https://youtu.be/jVxFqPncc94


Con
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Posted: December 1, 2018, 1:34 AM


Posts: 971
Joined: May 14, 2015



I feel horrible Lynn.. I didn't realize it's been three months that I didn't respond to your last message. I suck:/
I just wanted to drop in and say hi.. I hope your doing ok. Also hi Con.. And Marilyn Manson? Smh..lol. I'll say it's payback with whatever I injured your with in past 😂 hope your good
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Posted: December 1, 2018, 1:35 AM


Posts: 971
Joined: May 14, 2015



The missing word would be *ears* I think quicker than I type
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Posted: January 10, 2019, 7:55 AM


Posts: 635
Joined: April 4, 2016



Hey MK!! No Worries re the delay. I've been in a mood since beginning of November. Didn't even notice that it's been a minute. Best way to describe my mood is: I was holding my breath . . . waiting for January 2nd to get here. You'd think that on this 3rd holiday season without J Merry, Happy & Joy would be regular parts of my life. . . . or at least my vocabulary. Well . . . I can say I've made progress. Or I fake it better. LOL. This year I was able to say, "Merry Christmas" or "Happy New Year" and not look like Scrooge or burst into tears. Progress. LOL

How are you doing? How were your holidays? What's new? Don't skimp on the scoops.

Here's a song that I've grown to like (well . . . the clean version). We are living the best lives we can. And we need to stop wiling out. And . . . SMILE!!!

Livin'My Best Life

Sending hugs!!!
Lynn

--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
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Posted: March 27, 2019, 4:07 PM


Posts: 2616
Joined: January 4, 2008



Still making it....One day at a time

https://youtu.be/S5mcMvDjfd8


Con
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Posted: April 14, 2019, 5:44 PM


Posts: 635
Joined: April 4, 2016



Still on an emotional roller coaster. Was waiting to check-in until I got off. Guess there is no getting off. And, Lord knows, there is no managing it. Have to admit, tho, I slept the most peacefully and felt the most relaxed & at ease in almost 3.5 years this week. I know it is because the doctors gave me fentanyl and propofol for a medical procedure. (Thank God, I'm a chicken sh*t when it comes to buying anything (including bottled water) off the street.) These blissful moments in la-la land this week reminded me of how much I miss my pre-heroin addiction life. . . and how I will never return there no matter how I try. This is MY new normal. And, I hate it!

Emotional Roller Coaster


Hugs,
Lynn


--------------------

I forgot to read the fine print, when i signed up to be your Mom. I thought it would be smiles & hugs and quite a lot of fun.

I didn’t see the part about addiction, mental illness, pain, hopelessness or despair. I didn’t know life could be so flipping unfair.

But I now see something in the fine print that I didn’t see before. It also says to survive your addiction, I must love me more.


In Loving Memory of my angel, J. #forever21 #ihateaddiction #foreverloved
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Posted: September 29, 2019, 8:48 AM


Posts: 635
Joined: April 4, 2016



I’m so ready for the hole in my soul to be healed. Bc all I seem to do is hurt me. I NEED to be rescued from me. I’m looking for ... searching for...that lifeline. That crazy glue.

Deliver Me

Hugs from my broken soul to yours,
Lynn

This post has been edited by hurtingmom on September 29, 2019, 8:55 AM
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