Things That Don't Help...
Posted: February 25, 2015, 2:32 PM


Posts: 9248
Joined: December 1, 2005



Wow, Gina, how great to see you~!

I changed phones a few times so I lost your number but I remember you like yesterday, you helped me so much in my early recovery.

Peace & love, Sista~! So good to see you~
Stacey

--------------------
Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you.
  Top
Posted: February 25, 2015, 3:23 PM


Posts: 3
Joined: February 25, 2015



Thank you so much MomNMore as I have struggled for more than 14 years with my sons addiction problems. His lying to everyone and hurting everyone all the time and I have always blamed myself even though my family kept telling me it was not my fault and that he was a grown man but I just kept saying to myself what did I do wrong.
All the things you wrote I've gone over a million times in my head over the last many many years thank you for putting them down for me for all of us to read.

--------------------
SGG
  Top
Posted: February 25, 2015, 9:14 PM


Posts: 1181
Joined: May 16, 2006



Stacey! Me too, I lost so many phone numbers through the years but not the people on the other end! You were such a God send to me too. This is such a special group, special forum and I thank God that I found it so many years ago...I think 9! And although the situation that brought me here so many years ago, is long over...there have been many other people in my life with addiction issues. My son, my dad, and even my husband now. Alcohol, drugs...but it seems alcohol is the drug of choice. Most of the time, I am okay and that is from what i learned here and in therapy and Al-Anon but like most anything, codependent behaviors sneak back in.
How are you Stacey? Would love to catch up if you would like to..

This post has been edited by moderator on February 25, 2015, 11:26 PM

--------------------
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau
  Top
Posted: February 26, 2015, 4:17 PM


Posts: 9248
Joined: December 1, 2005



I would love to catch up. Looks like the Mod's edited your post so I'm thinking you put personal info out, maybe?


((hugs))

This post has been edited by moderator on February 26, 2015, 9:10 PM

--------------------
Happiness is not in the bottom of a pill bottle. It's inside you.
  Top
Posted: February 26, 2015, 10:19 PM


Posts: 1181
Joined: May 16, 2006



LOL I did because I forgot the rule! I will message you through here or message me if you don't hear from me because I am not sure how this all works anymore!

--------------------
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau
  Top
Posted: March 1, 2015, 7:43 PM


Posts: 51
Joined: February 14, 2015



thanks for this post and I can see so much of myself doing these things with my son. He is constantly in my head. My other children complain all I talk about his him and either success for failures. I have learned to hide my emotions from husband and his siblings. I am not coping with his addiction. Its been almost 15 years , many close calls of OD and jail time. I am starting to thing I really need counselling myself how to deal with this. at the moment my son is on the streets and using blackmail on his family and friends.

He won't seek help he thinks we should do everything for him. He is trying to convince us all that he is doing the right thing but his past is holding him back.

Its time to let him go he is 34 a man and try to get my life back together.
  Top
Posted: March 1, 2015, 8:21 PM


Posts: 51
Joined: February 14, 2015



I am going to take this statement and learn it well thank you my motto. It's not my fault I didn't put the drugs in his hands.



Let him find his own halfway house or sober living facility...he will if he wants to. It's not your addiction, not your recovery, not for you to find him a situation. He will figure it out when he wants to, when he has to, when you let him. He is capable of doing this himself...believe that.
  Top
Posted: March 2, 2015, 9:30 PM


Posts: 12
Joined: January 20, 2015



MomNmore, my husband and i are laughing so hard as we read this. It is the first time in 10 years we have laughed at what we have done! He said he thinks someonw has been watching us. Thank you for sharing what not to do. I will try and figure out a way to print this as i am reading this from my phone. Thanks
  Top
Posted: March 3, 2015, 11:06 PM


Posts: 5
Joined: March 1, 2015



That is a great list!!! Number 11, expectations, is so very true. It's hard to let go and stop expecting anything positive from them.
  Top
Posted: March 5, 2015, 11:38 PM


Posts: 8675
Joined: April 24, 2007



Glad my words have helped, if only to make you laugh =)

Yep, I did'em all ad nauseum...talked about it until I couldn't stand the sound of my own voice. Things can get better if you let them...you can get off the crazy train any time you choose to...really. It's not your ride and you don't have to stay on it with them. My daughter and I actually talked about this the other day and she told me that the best thing I ever did was ask her to leave and not return until she was done. It was the ONLY thing that helped at all. True, she might not have survived, but that was always true anyway...let go, good people, let go...you can do it whenever you want to.

When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired you will stop.

And I would encourage you to seek help for yourself...AlAnon is free and pretty much everywhere...try it.

Peace ~ M&M

This post has been edited by MomNMore on March 5, 2015, 11:46 PM

--------------------
You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

user posted image
  Top
Posted: March 6, 2015, 1:43 AM


Posts: 1
Joined: March 6, 2015



Hello All; this is my first visit into this (or any) blog. I have to admit, I am a bit shocked to see how similar/familiar many of your stories are to mine. It does not provide any peace or relief, but it may provide me some reassurance and, maybe even some guideance, as to how my role, as the mother of a drug addicted son, must change in order to allow him to (hopefully) "heal." So, here's the story: My son, Chris - now 20 yo, has always struggled socially; he was diagnosed as high functioning autistic at a very young age. His older brother, Josh, was his "hero." Josh had a very special ability to teach chris, talk with chris, convince chris, anything/everything :). In 2006, Josh was headed home when a drunk driver lost control of their vehicle and killed my son. Obviously, this was a major devastation to our family, especially Chris. Chris became extrememly reclusive and more introverted. I made every avaialable attempt to help Chris -- individual counseling, family counseling, grievance counseling, we went on vacations, we enrolled chris in a new private school, we moved into a new house, etc.. Unfortunately, Chris met a few other kids, in 2008, that introduced him to marijuana -- well, that started a spiral of absolute hell for us. Chris quickly became addicited and began using synthetics, alcohol, prescription meds, anything/everything he could get ahold of. He started stealing and lying. I "forced" Chris into a rehab center, where he resided and detoxed for 3 months (he was still a minor) an we continued rehabilitation as outpatient for an additional 6 months. Rehab helped some -- chris was convinced to stop the synthetics, but that was about all we got from that. I became obsessed -- following chris everywhere, reading his messages, installing cameras in his car and in our home, etc.. I was, and still am, so fearful of losing another son. Chris now has two DUI charges pending -- still no court date. I could definitely provide much more detail to this story, but it boils down to: I was obsessed and I was the enabler! I recently moved about 5 hours away from my son--leaving him to move in with his father (whom I have a very good relationship), and I have to admit, it is not becoming any easier. I still worry every day/every night that he is going to overdose, die, or end up in prison. Everytime the phone rings, my stomach feels sick -- this stinks, to be honest.
So, I guess what I need to know, from this experienced group: How do I quit obsessing and/or feeling so desperate and/or out of control. How can I move forward; should i move forward. I dont want to abandon him (i dont think i could, even if needed to) -- just need to know how i can feel at peace again.
thanks for reading this very long story and thanks, in advance, for any/all advice.
  Top
Posted: March 6, 2015, 9:34 AM


Posts: 1905
Joined: October 23, 2011



Joule said: "I am a bit shocked to see how similar/familiar many of your stories are to mine."

If you contact your local Al-Anon and Nar-Anon groups and attend a few meetings you will meet lots of folks in exactly the same situation as yourself.
The Al-Anon & Nar-Anon programs are for friends/family of addict/alcoholics who need to find a way to get their lives back. I think you will find it enlightening and helpful.

All the best.

Bob R

--------------------
Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.


Free copy of AA's Big Book on-line: http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoh...olics-anonymous

Free copy of NA's Big Book on-line:
Copy & Paste coastalcarolinaarea.org/literature/books/b_t.pdf


AA's HOW IT WORKS:
Copy & paste www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf


NA's HOW IT WORKS:
http://www.na.org/admin/include/spa...0it%20Works.pdf


----------------------------------------------------------------

--- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity.

---there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

... I need AA more than it needs me.

--- I fight recovery tooth and nail....
I'm not used to being sane, it just doesn't seem natural.


...... According to the great spiritual teachers, ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know.

---Some think that 2+2=5 and believe it.
Some know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it.


--- I didn't have a very happy childhood
but I sure am having a long one !


---Dry since 1989
working daily on getting/staying SOBER.


---If you want to drink, that's your business
...If you want to quit, that's AA's business.


... Tell me, I'll forget;
... Show me, I'll remember;
... Engage me, I'll understand.


---Most problems are psychological.
Most solutions are spiritual .


"If we try to change our ego with the help of our ego, we only have a better-disguised ego."
--Richard Rohr


WWBWD (What Would Bill W. Do)
  Top
Posted: March 9, 2015, 4:13 PM


Posts: 2
Joined: March 9, 2015



This list is very helpful and gives me insight into how to handle the situation, thank you!

We tell my brother in law we love him, we listen, we tell him we know it must be hard (what he's going through, feeling, anger, etc.). We do try to help him come up with ways to deal with my mother/father in law as they are extremely difficult. They don't seem to get it and my father in law even drank wine in front of him (my brother in law did meth, heroin, alcohol and gambling).

BUT, what are good messages to give an addict or what do we say? We are in his life because we are family and being supportive of his recovery. But, I often don't know what to say or don't say. Your list is helpful in what not to do and not to say.

He went through about 35 days of inpatient and now lives in a clean and sober house. He is not working yet and seems to be almost brain damaged from the drugs. Not sure if he can work, when or where.

Feeling lost and tired. But, he is on a good path.

  Top
Posted: March 10, 2015, 1:32 PM


Posts: 2
Joined: February 7, 2015



I needed this post today. I'm currently resisting helping my homeless, heroin-addicted brother. Our family has collectively decided yesterday was the final stop on the crazy train. It's the hardest choice, but the right one. Haven't heard from him in nearing 24 hours, and I'm realizing contacting him to see if he's alive is only a reflection of my own guilt. And like you said, in using they're risking their lives anyway. Thank you.
  Top
Posted: March 15, 2015, 10:56 AM


Posts: 8675
Joined: April 24, 2007



There's nothing wrong with contacting him to see if he's alive, just know that this often results in manipulation on their part...'why do you care? you cut me out of your life'...or no response at all in an attempt to guilt you...or no reply because they are angry...there's no end to the possibilities. When my daughter was out there I simply texted, "We love you, and we have faith in your ability to take care of yourself and do the next right thing." No reply required.

Peace ~ M&M

--------------------
You will not change what you are willing to tolerate.

user posted image
  Top
Posted: June 3, 2015, 10:59 AM


Posts: 8675
Joined: April 24, 2007



BUMP for getmeofftherollercoaster.
  Top
Posted: June 4, 2015, 2:09 PM


Posts: 5
Joined: May 11, 2015



This list is such a gift, especially today. My 39 yo son has in jail for 2 months. He had a court date today which I didn't attend nor have I heard the outcome. His bail is $2,500 and nobody has stepped forward to bail him out as he has no where to go and nobody who cares. My ex has informed me he plans on posting bail in a couple of weeks and dropping him at my house although the offer to live here has never been made. My ex is newly sober and I can't even imagine what his agenda is... I am sober 30 years and remarried 25+ years. As part of my recovery I walked away from everything affiliated with alcohol. Including to some degree, my addict son. I got drawn into this recent round of crisis because everyone else has walked, specifically my son has run out of enabling girlfriends and found himself facing homelessness. These relationships, such as they are, last about 5 years and #3 just gave him the boot. My son is a convicted felon (2006) in addition to his current charges. Knowing he was about to hit a wall I sent him to a private rehab for 2 months last fall at the cost of $20,000... A lot of money in my world. I seem to be more paralyzed this round, I can't see any good endings for him. I watched my brother drink himself to death at age 36 and this looks and feels very similar. I have to clearly tell my son he cannot live with me, I thought I had done so already but apparently it went unheard. Saying no feels awful but saying yes would kill him, me and my marriage... I feel like I'm taking away his only reason for being...jail is dismal and the outside world is totally done with him. There are so many addicts, the system is over loaded. Sadly, Jail is as good as it gets for him. I have no control over my ex's action and know my son living with him is not an option... I do not want to involve the law with restraining orders, it will only make things worse.
  Top
Posted: June 5, 2015, 8:07 AM


Posts: 26
Joined: May 18, 2015



Great post!
But I am curious about your backstory... who is G? and your addicted loved one? husband? child?

I, too, am practicing all of these, It took me almost a decade to figure out what I really need to be doing. My son is an addict and is living in sober living at the present time. I have his daughter, 4 years. I, too, have done all the "don'ts" you listed. Which only harmed my heart and soul, and my son's.

Stopping the invading thoughts of how to help is the hardest for me. I am his mother, "It's my job".
Right now, I am sure he feels as if I don't care. I have avoided calls from him for the past week, other than one. I didn't go to drug court with him, and didn't run to him when he needed money for his mandated drug test ($15.00). He asked for cigarettes and deoderant. I didn't do it. I feel guilty, mainly because all I have ever wanted is to make him feel loved.

BUT, I feel better too! The invading thoughts are lessening, I am focusing more on his daughter (whom he should be providing for), and what she needs, and what the 4 younger brother and sisters need more and more. Giving myself permission to keep living and to find joy again, is a biggie for me. I have allowed him to impact all his younger siblings lives, for basically their whole lives. They really can't remember when he wasn't such a source of concern.

so, I would add something to that list....Find JOY again, allow yourself to laugh and live life.
To love them through Recovery

Every time I talk to him, I tell him I will help him in his recovery, ONLY.

With love to you and all that need prayers.

My son is an addict, but most of all he is my son.
  Top
Posted: June 5, 2015, 9:24 AM


Posts: 5
Joined: May 11, 2015



Sad momma

My 39 year old son is the one in jail. My ex husband, sober under a year, is bailing him out. My brother died of addiction at age 36, and on and on it goes. Same song and dance...different performers. The genetic factor is undeniable ...

Enjoy your granddaughter and other children, some how we overlook their good behavior when we get focussed on the addict.

Zanne

This post has been edited by Zanne on June 5, 2015, 9:34 AM
  Top
Posted: June 9, 2015, 4:45 AM


Posts: 33
Joined: March 10, 2015



bump for rwright1984
  top of page  Top