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Posts: 15
Joined: February 7, 2019
Posted: May 2, 2019, 4:16 PM
hi. i wrote a couple months ago about my 24 year old nephew noah. he started inpatient rehab on 12/31/18. he just earned his 4 month chips. sounds good, right?
things appear to be falling apart. his clinic tried to start a sober living program but it has already failed after just 6 weeks or so. the clients were told last week that they had 30 days to find a new place to live and the sober living director was fired/let go. not sure which, but he is no longer there. noah had become friends with this director and looked up to him and confided in him quite a bit. he is devastated that this guy has been fired and that the sober living program is ending. he has no idea where to go next and the clinic does not appear to be helping him. he threatened suicide last sunday and the clinic social worker spoke to him and decided he was just really frustrated. they believe he is bipolar, as he cycles from semi-highs to serious lows every couple of weeks, even when he is not drinking or using drugs. he refuses meds for bipolar. he has blocked his parents’ phone numbers and refuses to answer calls/ texts from me, his uncle and his siblings. we have no idea if he is still in his sober living home (it’s 90 minutes away), if he is in jail, if he is in some drug house getting high, or if he is dead. after 6 years, i am soooo sick of all this. i am so angry at him. and i wish if something bad is going to happen, that it happens sooner rather than later. i no longer believe that if he is breathing there is a chance to make a good life for himself. this is going to kill my sister. and then her other son and daughter will be lost without her. and my 89 year old father-how will we tell him that noah is gone? it will probably kill him too. i am so angry i can’t see straight. i guess this is one way to detach but it is not with love. i am so ashamed of myself for feeling this way | ||
Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: May 2, 2019, 6:25 PM
Dear So Angry, all of your feelings are so justified & we have all felt the same way. It is so frustrating when the family tries to help the addict but they refuse, push us away & blame US for their bad decisions. (((hugs))) to your & family.
My family has set our bottom line regarding my 45 year old son. He's been an addict for 20+ years, has been to rehab several times but not once has he done one follow-up care process. He also will not take meds for depression/anxiety or other psychiatric issue. He just wants to use meth & abuse & manipulate his family for money. We are done! As he sits in jail right now, he keeps trying to call me. I know it's for bail $$ or attorney $$ or money for a private rehab on the beach or just to scream & curse me for being a POS family (his words). When I don't talk to him, my blood pressure is normal, I can sleep & I don't have to take anti-anxiety meds. But one phone call & my blood pressure soars and I am physically ill. I can't do it to myself anymore. I'm not throwing any more $$ at someone who lies constantly & berates & abuses his family & everyone he is involved with. Use this time to focus on yourself. You can't fix him nor can you help him if he doesn't care about getting well himself. My son has been ordered to rehab before, but he's never gone because he wanted to. We will always love our son & we will always worry about him, but after this many years - we did not cause his relapse, we can't control his relapse & we can't cure his relapse. This is on him. IF, after he completes rehab/sober living (if he chooses to) he wants try to work on our relationship & repair the wounds, we would be willing to WITH the help of a counselor. Not alone | ||
Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: May 2, 2019, 7:56 PM
Hi Aunt Worry I think what I've learned over the past 5 years is if they want sobriety they will make it a priority. I can't control what my daughter does or doesn't do. It has to come from them. He could find another sober living and keep working his sobriety if he chooses to. Life is unpredictable and we have to learn to be flexible. He could stay friends with the man even though he got fired. Its not the end of the world however they often don't have good coping skills. I care and love my daughter very much however I've had to leave her life and her behavior to her. Its very sad and hard to do but they have to own their consequences.
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Posts: 15
Joined: February 7, 2019
Posted: May 2, 2019, 8:32 PM
thank you both for replying! i am so sorry for you and the other posters on this site for having to go through this terrible journey with your kids but it does help to know i am not alone or weird for feeling the way i do
i initially thought/hoped noah would do well in rehab and use it as a springboard back to normal life. he is so smart and kind when he is not using. but he has no coping skills, like your kids! how does this happen? his siblings manage to roll with the bad stuff that happens to them and more importantly, learn from their mistakes. with noah, it’s the same mistake and the same horrible consequences over and over. i’m exhausted. and i still love him and i will never stop. but all this crazy-it’s too much! | ||
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Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: May 2, 2019, 9:36 PM
Yes Aunt Worry, addiction can be all consuming if you let it. Not only does it take over the life of our loved one, it will go after the family too. Its a parasite. Don't let it if you can help it. Its very insidious and you have to have strong convictions about what you will and won't tolerate. Its easy to become lost in it all if we are not aware and careful.
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Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: May 2, 2019, 10:20 PM
Auntie - that's one thing I've learned in this group & it's helped me a lot too - addicts will go after every person in the family, they will fake the tears & beg for help until they get gas $$ or food or you let them see a chip in the armor or show a bit of kindness & then it's all on again. They'll act like they NEED YOU.... and then they'll flip out!
In the past 4 weeks, I've been called everything. We've offered to help in little way & as soon as he realizes that doesn't mean we are giving him money, he will flip out. He's threaten to go to the house his brother lives in & "beat his a**" & force his way in the house to live there! This group is great, just take your time - write your feelings out but never mail them. Try to take care of yourself & his parents/siblings. Unless you've gone thru it, no one knows how hard it is. | ||
Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016
Posted: May 3, 2019, 9:44 AM
Search for “How to Recognize Enabling Behaviors” on WikiHow. The article pretty much summarized just about everything we talk about here. Except the way it affects us all emotionally and mentally. It can be a love / hate relationship. Love the person but hate what they do. After awhile it gets harder to tell if what they do is really part of the person. Becomes harder to excuse and tolerate their actions. So sad for everyone.
This post has been edited by BugginMe on May 3, 2019, 10:12 AM -------------------- BUGS | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: May 3, 2019, 6:21 PM
Hello Auntie - when I read your post, I could say the exact same words. going thru this with my son for at least 6 years. too much. too exhausting. he is in treatment at a local hospital and will be discharged next week. he has no plan. my husband met w counselor today. I can not even deal with it anymore. it is the same cycle over and over. my son never admits that the drugs/meds are a problem. I have not talked to him in 2 months.
back to you. your nephew is probably OK. probably still among the living. so don't go there in your mind. my son was in recovery living at home last summer. did very well for 3 months. then a guy he met at a meeting and was working with, whom he bonded with was arrested for a probation violation (I think) and the anniversary of son's best friend's death came up, and son decided to relapse. we have been to hell again for the past 7 months. your right, they don't learn. don't learn coping skills, livings skills, he does not seem to want to step up and take care of himself or put himself in a sober environment in order to learn a better life. I feel like the drugs numb him down so much that he can not learn. it's like he's been asleep for the past 6 years. your nephew can go to another sober living. he just has to find a good one. unfortunately I have seen my son get 'attached' to people they are working with - counselors - etc. and become very angry when situations / people change / leave their job, etc. | ||
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Posted: May 4, 2019, 9:56 AM
The when they call you know they want a favor-normal. Good for you holding your ground.
I had to get the alkie out of jail after a dwi and they asked for money for an attorney. I told them I would pay xx amount for a consult only(was hoping this one was THE bottom). You would've thought I poured mud on their cereal. But necessity is the mother of all invention. He found his own attorney, called in favors and bilked an ex lady friend that stalked him for money. They'll find a way along with having to accept the consequences of not having family and friends provide for them. Independence and self sufficiency are just as important as being sober, never forget that. If it's a tough lesson to learn so be it. | ||
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Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: May 4, 2019, 2:48 PM
Hi Aunt all really great posts for you. I just wanted to add a few thoughts I have. When I used to enable, I thought I was helping but in reality I wasn't helping my daughter at all. I was actually accommodating her addiction. I had to learn to say 'no' and mean it. When I became consistent it stopped the cat and mouse game of enabling. The well became dry so you don't keep coming back to a well with no water. She has been left with the harsh reality of her choices. She knows what she needs to do to get help. She has on her own seeked help, which is good, however struggles afterwards.
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Posts: 15
Joined: February 7, 2019
Posted: May 4, 2019, 7:09 PM
thanks again for all the replies!
i ***think*** my sister, her husband, their other kids, and the rest of the extended family (me included) have FINALLY learned to not enable, at least so far as giving noah gas/food, money, a place to stay, etc... we are now struggling to step back and let HIM find a sober living place and figure out where to go from here. in december, i did soooo much research to find this rehab place for him. he’s 24. he’s not dumb or incompetent. it’s time for him to take these steps and figure it out. but oh it’s hard to stand back and watch him struggle! love the person but hate what they do. oh my-those are some powerful words and i will tell myself that every day from now on! i too feel like drugs numb down my addicted loved one. how else could they possibly tolerate the horrible consequences of their actions!?! good news is that noah is still at his sober living place (it closes in about 2 weeks), still going to NA meetings and going to his job (my sister spoke to his case manager-noah had signed an agreement for her to give my sister info when he was first admitted). so even though he is not speaking to any of the family at this point, he appears to be hanging on in some manner. she probably should not have called but it was killing her and the rest of the family not to know at least some of what is going on with him... thank you all again. your kindness in sharing your stories and advice is sooo much appreciated! | ||
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