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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Hello, New Here

Posted by: Momtomethhead July 11, 2019, 6:25 PM
Have been reading posts of families who are dealing with the same thing my family has been. I knew I was not alone in this journey. I have a few friends dealing with it as well. It may be good for me to get strangers perceptives.
My son is a meth addict, has been for a few years now. He is in his 40’s, and was once a kind hearted, hard working person. I miss that person. He was living with us, was only suppose to be a temporary thing, until the economy took a dump. Turned into 10 years. No work and too much free time on his hands, he started doing drugs. He was a drinker for years, and stopped on his own, then turned to meth. Things came to a head when my husband and I went on a vacation. Came home to a mess. Our son sat in the house high on something more then meth. He was up the whole time we were gone, paranoid. He thought people were going to break in the house and hurt him. When we got home, we walked into a nightmare. Kicked in doors, broken windows. All done by him. He even called the police a few times. They came and checked the house, the third time, he was told he was tweeking and if he called again they would arrest him. He sat in the house scared to death. The hardest part was, he believed everything he was thinking. Heartbreaking when your child is trying so hard to make you believe. He become violent. His anger took over. After trying to reason with him, and get him help, and him denying he had a problem. We kicked him out. It got worse, him coming back and breaking everything he touched. We filed a restraining order and eviction notice. He became officially homeless. I read a post another mother wrote about seeing her homeless son on the streets. I saw mine, sleeping on a bus stop bench. I cried for days. Did not raise my son to be homeless, or an addict. We got him a storage unit and moved all his belongings in there. Gave him the key and told him to stay away. He got kicked out of that one, then another one. His stuff was moved into our back yard in the middle of the night. Gave him an excuse to come back, he needed his tools for work, mind you, there was no work. He did not pay attention to the restraining order, every time he showed up when we were home, we Filed reports. Last month he showed up in a fit of rage, yelling at our neighbors, they called the police. Having our reports too, the police took him into custody. We asked to have a psychiatric hold. They did not do it. he spend 15 days in jail. While he was gone, all his belongs went into another storage. I will not give him the unit location or key. His sisters intercepted him when he was realeased. They spend 2 days with him trying to get him to go into rehab. They offered him a car, job and place to live, out of state of course, if he went into rehab. They spend their time in his world. I learned that he is a survivor, he is not alone out there. The homeless stick together. Gave me peace of mind and took a lot of worry away. They got closure after trying. I came to the conclusion this is his choice and killing myself to try and help is destroying the rest of my family. So that is where I am today. He comes here early morning while we are sleeping, drops his tent, sleeping bag and back pack off in the backyard. Then comes back for it late at night. Have not seen or talked to him. I will turn him in again if I catch him here. Awful to say, but no change in him, I prefer him in jail so I can get some peace of mind. The fear I have been living with has caused me to lose 45 pounds, has pulled our family apart. Is it normal for me to just want to run, and not look back? He’s my son, I love him, but want my life back.
Thanks for listening..I am opened to any comments.

Posted by: Sallyanna July 11, 2019, 9:19 PM
Welcome Momtomethead, yes I think your feelings are normal and appropriate. Addiction destroys everything in its path plus all the collateral damage it does. Its very awful as you well know and heartbreaking to watch. For me I've learned I've had to let my daughter own her choices and all the consequences and she's pretty bad off. She used to go in for detox when she would get really bad and then to rehab. She did this many times and after discharge from rehab did not follow the discharge plans and was back to active addiction in a few days. In the past 8 months she has been totally messed up adding another drug to her already existing drug addiction. Now she's addicted to 2 drugs...I have very clear boundaries with her and as hard as it is try to stay consistent. I have learned years of trying to rescue her did nothing for her and it was destroying me. I love her very much and I worry about her, communicate with her, and tell her to go get help. The rest is up to her. She has to want it and she has to take the steps towards help and recovery. So sorry about your son and sorry you have to experience this too.

Posted by: AddictMomMerryGoRound July 11, 2019, 11:08 PM
Momtomethhead, thanks for sharing your story! There are many walking this same horrific path. I posted about my homeless son and I do believe that you are right that they stick together and just further push each other’s addictions. My son has been on the streets six weeks and I never thought he would last that long. I have also hoped for jail for my son as his five times in rehab did not make a difference. This is a hard journey that I would not wish on anyone. Take care of you!

Posted by: Momtomethhead July 12, 2019, 12:59 PM
Thank you for responding. Agree, this is the hardest most stressful thing I have ever had to deal with. You feel every emotion there is. The ups and downs, get your hopes up, just to get Squashed. Trying to function is a struggle. I have learned that I can not please everyone in my family. I understand the damage it has done to my family. The sad thing is, my son does not. My husband and I are a year from retiring. We plan on moving out of state. Something we should be looking forward to, but can’t. We have talked about me moving a year ahead of him. I have excepted that this is my sons choice. I could leave very easily. My choice is to step away. You know how you reach that point, we have all done everything we could do to help him. He does not want it.
As far as the homeless community, my daughters got a real eye opener. They have storage bins set up with bikes, probably stolen, free fast food coupons, tools and clothes. The people who run them are also homeless, and charge for services, or trade. The homeless encampments Have there own little governments set up. They charge taxes to sleep there. Have people you can pay to watch your stuff if you need to leave. A real racket going for them. Trading is also a huge thing. This is the life my son choose when offered a fresh start out of state. Crazy.
I am learning to put myself first, now I need to put my life back together.

Posted by: sad eyes July 13, 2019, 8:00 AM
I think it's very normal of ypu just wanting to run away, think a lot of us often feel that way, we all love are children, but I think at some stage we cannot do any more for them, and to try and save areselves, if moving away is the answer at the time to help you well so be it do it, it's a roller coaster, never know what the next day brings, sorry haven't got to much advice to give just good to know there is a support for us here take care

Posted by: Anauj July 13, 2019, 8:17 AM
Welcome and I commend you for taking an important step in posting. We can all relate to your struggles. I too used to be relieved when my son was in jail. Knew where he was at least. Sorry I don't have something more profound to say at this time... my son is 26 and I've been on this horrific journey called "addiction" for 10 years. So important to have a strong support system and this while I'm relatively new to this site, it has been a life saver. Hang in there and welcome!

Posted by: NyToFlorida July 13, 2019, 8:59 AM
MTMH - my husband and I are close to retirement. We don’t have a plan. Would like to move south. In the past year I have felt like moving sooner rather than later. My husband is not ready to leave yet. And even though we have options, he does not want to feel like he is forced to leave bc of son. I feel like I would be able to relax and be able to focus on other things if I moved sooner. I have not done much to pack up house. We work full time and most of our mental focus has been on whatever our son is doing. So much time spent on thinking and doing over ther years. Idk what it would be like to not think about it.

Posted by: Sallyanna July 13, 2019, 9:22 AM
At some point, adult children are suppose to 'launch' and become self reliant and live independently. Often this doesn't happen with addiction. Its living going downhill (like my daughter) or living sideways and really not moving forward. Most of us have other children who have 'launched' just fine and are moving forward in life. This doesn't happen with addiction.

Posted by: Momtomethhead July 13, 2019, 11:42 AM
Thank you for the support. Sorry to say, do not get much of it at home. My husband has hit his limit, and with him, sometimes it is easier on me when he steps away. He does not handle stress well. I have a good friend who has been dealing with this for years, with her daughter and now grand daughter. She has been somewhat of a help, but, she has a whole different set of problems because there are great grand kids and courts involved.
We have 3 daughters, who until recently have stayed out of it. My choice, no reason to disrupt their life’s. They stepped in because they are worried about my health. Our youngest moved out of the house last year. Our sons violence was too much for her. She is in college and was not ready to move out. But for her safety we needed for her to. Oldest 2 are married and very successful in life.
The drugs have only been a issue for a few years in my family. A few years too many. My son has always had problems. He is ADHD, the drugs have made it worse. Has always had issues with his temper. The anger is frightening. My husband says he is a lot of talk, and to be honest, he has never acted on anything he threatens, but my fear is one day he will. The police are aware of all this. I work part time and he shows up here when I am at work. Have told the neighbors he is an addict and to call if they see him in the area. Some are understanding, some are not.
We are retiring next year. Our plan has always been to move out of state. We have not spend our nest egg on our son. He has cost us material things, and our sanity, but we are ok financially. Maybe if he were younger it would have been different. We wanted to do what we could to our house, to make more money from Sale, But are considering just selling it, husband staying with one of our daughters for his remaining year and me moving. Right now, going through everything and downsizing. Have to do something to reach our goal. I have absolutely no problem walking away from this mess Like I said earlier, he was offered a roof over his head, a car, and a decent job, he turned it down, because rehab was what he had to do. He seriously does not think he has a problem. Nothing more we can do for him. He does not want it. When and if he is ready, he can contact us and we will help. Don’t know if the offer from his sisters will still be there, but we will all help him get into rehab.
God bless all you who have been dealing with this for years.

Posted by: mtnmom July 16, 2019, 8:30 PM
Mom - I, too, found comfort & support in this group!!! My son was married & employed so he was a somewhat functional addict. But then meth caused so many personality changes that he got divorced but was still working. He didn't make his addiction "OUR" problem until he was fired from his job for failing a mandatory drug test. Now he has no job, no wife, no one but his parents & brothers. Last year he conned his father out of a LARGE sum of money for a business venture, every fiber of my being was screaming that this was a mistake but hubby INSISTED he WANTED to do this to help him (at that time we didn't yet realized he had relapsed). Within 2 weeks he lost his job & it's been a horrible downhill spiral since.... In & out of jail, girlfriend breaks up but can't get him to leave her house, she gets a restraining order against him to get him out, he violates it over & over & over & over again..... Just got out of jail AGAIN (4th arrest & conviction since the end of April) He's suck the life out of all of us - his brothers will not speak to him, we barely speak, he calls when he's lying to get more money....

Posted by: NyToFlorida July 16, 2019, 9:00 PM
Duchesschama - posted similar stories. She gave her son a NO contact rule for 6 months or a year. As soon as the time was up he began the same old phone calls and demands. Read her posts by searching for duchess in the search box at bottom of page.

Posted by: Momtomethhead July 16, 2019, 9:06 PM
I just posted to your other post. I have learned never ever give my son the idea he can pull something over on me. He wants me to give him money for shoes, nope, I take him to get shoes. He needs food, I buy him a gift card for the market. I did give into the money thing when we bought him a truck, so he had gas money, in hind site, I should of put gas in it myself. Even if he has no money, addicts like to share. He is homeless, and I hate to think of the things he has done for his high. The meth has given him some pretty severe mental issues, and right now there is no reasoning with him. He gets upset because I come back with rational reasons why things are happening to him. I’m his mom, am suppose to believe him. He is very unpredictable now and boy, his temper is bad. I did buy him yet another cell phone, cheap pay as you go plan. It’s the only way to communicate with him, in the court order I am allowed that. My hope of course being he will call or text that he is ready for help.
His sisters have been trying to help, but this is just recently. It has forced our youngest to move out. None of them come here anymore. I can not remember the last time we had any company. Friends do not have a clue, and the ones I have told try to give advice. Unless they have walked in my shoes, they don’t know. This board has helped me tremendously. My husband is not as understanding as yours seems to be.