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Message Board > Heroin > Fentanyl/newbie

Posted by: POI March 29, 2018, 7:24 PM
Can't say I know why I'm posting. Resistant to talking, therapy and meetings, even if I go. It feels like zero movement up or forward, just maintaining one day in one day out. Stopped benzos a week after oxy/fent whatever else. Still taking ritalin, adderall and smoking weed. I guess I'm in the H thread because opiates were my best good love. Injured last year, started taking fentanyl/carfentanyl/cyclopropylfentanyl/furanylfentanyl straight up, when I couldn't afford oxy. I had been stockpiling a s***load of drugs a few years back, with my use gradually picking up over time. Wasn't snorting the oxy, but went straight away to snorting the fent. f*** me right? Had a couple serious nods, and a few serious nights that were questionable before I came out the other side.

My life has been f***ed over many times, by things beyond my control. So still sitting in the dilligaf camp right now, but definitely not wanting the damn drugs. Of course I'm riding the stims I have till' they are gone, but riding that train with a pretty high heart rate. Just on here to have someone to talk to and check in with I guess, if folks are around for that purpose here.

Posted by: hurtingmom March 29, 2018, 10:33 PM
Loving Welcome POI!! Folks come on at different times . . . on different days . . . all depends. So, you may get a delay in a reply. But, we are with you. We are listening to you. We care about you. You came to the right place to share without shame. Sending hugs!!!

I hear you re being resistant to talking, therapy and meetings. They aren't fun. I prefer writing myself. Writing how I feel . . . what I am thinking . . . observations . . . goals . . . hopes . . . dreams . . . nightmares. Yes, I keep a journal. . . where I express my pain, struggles, and emptiness. Have you thought of keeping one . . . whether on here or some place else?

Sometimes I think being in a group and feeling compelled to share is one of the hardest parts of meetings/group therapy. Sometimes it feels like the spotlight is on me if I DO NOT speak in these settings. I found comfort in online meetings . . . where you are typing rather than talking. You may want to check out Smart Recovery bc it has online meetings. I also think there are online AA/NA meetings. And, this site is invaluable . . . priceless. I found a lot of comfort in writing here . . . where I could get advice, feedback, encouragement, support and hugs. Perhaps not in real time . . . but what I received was always right on time!

Living one moment at a time . . . remembering to breathe . . . are all fine. Hang in there!!! Remind yourself of all the times life has thrown too much at you . . . all the times you felt anxious and overwhelmed . . . all the difficult times. And, remind yourself that you've survived. Breathe and trust that you can survive whatever life is throwing at you now, too. And trust that as long as you don't give up and keep pushing forward, no matter what, you will make it!!!!

Sending more hugs,

Posted by: POI March 29, 2018, 11:14 PM
thanks for the kind words HM. I may like the idea of keeping a journal in online format here...if people would have me. I'm going to look up this online na meetings. I like the sound of that. Just being here is part of my effort to work out of this run of addiction. I haven't messed with opiates in 13+ years...then last year just took off. Never thought I'd be snorting elephant tranquilizers by the time i came out of it. thanks for the tip though, I'm going to go looking for those online meetings you referenced.

Posted by: hurtingmom March 30, 2018, 4:57 AM
This is a safe place. Use this site as it suits you. We are here to make sure that you are not on this path by yourself. Before I started officially keeping a journal, my posts here were my entries. Then when I started (I keep it in Word), I copied and pasted many of my posts from here to there.

Any and all steps that you take or thoughts that you have to battle your monkey are wonderful. Keep up this hard work. Have you thought of medically assisted treatment? Holistic methods? At the top of this page are tabs for Programs & Resources, Addiction Medication, and Treatment and Holistic Approaches. Most information is broken down by State. Scroll through and see if anything strikes your fancy.

Sending loving hugs,

Posted by: POI March 30, 2018, 8:53 PM
The thing is despite being close to family it sure seems as though I am alone on this. 100% isolated now except for my wife. stuck in super sick mode right now it seems. all in less than 2 years time. screwy thing was i quit drinking, then took up kratom for pain then moved to a place where I had access to every drug conceivable and it went to tramadol daily, then adding oxycodone at the end of the days, add benzos, then gone-oxycodone, hydro, and after losing everything, just went all out. at my age, mid 30s, it feels like no coming back from this one. careers have been shut out, and having to restart career after losing the one i had just finished training for-heavy trucking industry. pretty convinced of my hopelessness right now. have been for some time.

Posted by: POI March 30, 2018, 9:01 PM
I had been doing really good before, after I quit drinking in 2014. Had 2 solid years until I discovered the DNMs. The selfishness through those two years astounds me. No sooner had I quit drinking than I got picked up by the poison devil that was the markets. It didn't kill me-just left me penniless and ashamed. The selfishness-torments me.

Posted by: NyToFlorida March 30, 2018, 11:30 PM
POI in your story I hear a lot of strength and perseverance to quit the medications, etc. you quit and pick up something else, and have long periods of no meds. sounds like you have weathered struggles that some people never face - such as starting new careers over and over. that takes determination. I am not an expert but you seem to have a lot of good in you, you need to stay on track, and may need help in doing so. might be a good start - lots of information and motivation, on line meetings, they focus on reward instead of punishment - I think.... also see if you can find a local therapist that specializes in addiction and recovery. someone to talk and vent and bounce things off of... Good Luck, You can do this!

I am the mom of a son in recovery. I found information at SmartRecovery to help family members and I found a local recovery center where family members can see a therapist.

re: isolation - it is part of the addiction - the meds do it to you. effects from the meds and the fact that you have to hide them and that causes emotions and causes you to hide and isolate. (maybe)

Posted by: marykat80 March 31, 2018, 12:14 AM
I second what NY said. you aren't in your mid sixties you're in you mid thirties. I KNOW it feels stuck...believe me I know. When I got off methadone I lost my job of almost 10 years...but in a way I was kinda stuck in it wasn't a great one. Lost house I was renting..a house I loved. And housing where I'm at is through the freaking roof. I don't say this to discourage people coming off. Just being honest. Point is the ONLY thing that has stopped me from bettering anything career wise is ME. Now knowing this and taking action are two different things. I'm your age..well probably a bit older as 37 is 'late thirties'. But seriously.....not old, not to late. We gotta keep a good state of mind and positveness for anything positive to come. Getting clean is the first. Don't dwell...easier said than done, I know.

Posted by: POI March 31, 2018, 9:00 PM
dear God marykat. I don't think I can't dwell. my story is so friggin...weird. I'm awfully tired out-try after try, not with getting clean but getting success from life. every door slammed in my face-and I've looked at alot of doors. drugs came out (a resurgence I guess) after all the suck parts hit hard. maybe that is predictable human behavior-I dunno. I guess for now I'm just gonna be checking in here until I square away the time to GO to a few meetings in a row, not just one in a month. It probably doesnt help that I am still burning reefer and taking speed...

Posted by: marykat80 April 14, 2018, 10:46 PM
Hey poi.. Checkin to see if you are around/doing ok?

Posted by: Addictedtimes July 19, 2018, 1:28 AM
I have a hard time believing you are taking Carfentanil? Just saying...

Posted by: hurtingmom August 7, 2018, 7:43 AM
Hey POI . . . how are you doing? Can you give us an update?


PS . . . AddictedTimes . . . perhaps your post came out ( . . . well . . . how can I say this???? . . . ) "harsh" because you were being cryptic and terse. An error of the head and not the heart, I'm sure. I get the question (especially since my daughter got her wings due to carfentanyl poisoning). But . . . . maybe I'm being more sensitive than I should. Seemed like you were being judgmental. IJS