Relapse
Posted: December 6, 2019, 6:03 PM


Posts: 12
Joined: November 30, 2019



I’m getting there... slowly but the more I think about what he says and does the more I can see he manipulates me. He even throws up that if he goes back to jail that he will kill himself because he knows that his life means more to me than anything in this world. But it slowly getting easier for me to say no and go on as best as I can with my life. I have so much I have worked for.. a successful business and marriage that I’m so proud of. I don’t talk to people anymore about having a son because it only brings up hurt and I won’t hide his addiction. I did for too long in the past and that didn’t solve anything. I really don’t like when I run into people that I know that has kids the same age or went to school with my son and they tell me how well their kids are doing and then turn around and ask about my son. I usually say something like “he is going through some challenges or has some growing pains” but I’m starting to just tell people he has a drug problem.

No more hiding.... I’m going to really start living my life again.

HopeMom with Hope!!!
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Posted: December 6, 2019, 8:57 PM


Posts: 1622
Joined: June 27, 2016



Hello Hopemom - a few bits about your recent posts:
Read my Crisis Update, around March 29th, I had left home for a few weeks to avoid being trapped into enabling. I came home overnight to go to a job interview. My son showed up. we had a brief conversation, I gave him $20. he left. reminded me of your conversation - WE all Need a Break! At that time I stopped 'doing', stopped being the middle man. I let my husband handle communication w our son.

One of My turning point was when I was having a brief conversation w son. I said something like , 'I cant believe you don't know how to pay a simple credit card bill' He said 'Its not that I don't know how, I choose not to" (my brain went -- WHOAA! WHAT! - my next thought was - if he chooses not to... Then I choose not to! ) (I had been paying $25 a month on his CCard. ) It was Dec 2018 I stopped paying his CCard - it was a small amount I was paying down until he charged it up and got a second one and charged that up in a week! ($500 limits) I know he does not care, so why should I. I have not paid them at all. Some day they will go to collections and he will pay them or not .

In that post Buggs posted a nice poem and good insight.

Your son is 24 still young enough to change. My son turned 30 a month ago. His addiction started when he was about 21 - during/after college. This was another motivation - 30 years old - were not doing this anymore - he is old enough to take care of himself! I understand the motivation to help them when they are in their early 20's - thinking it is a blip that they will get past.

Also reminded me of a post 'She Just Stopped' - I will try to bump up to the top of the posts.

regarding court details and rehab - in our experience the social worker at rehab works with the client (your son) and the court system to post pone or bring him to appointments.

Story time: at some point last spring we were trying to get our son to go to rehab at the hospital, he was in for two week but was still on 'medications' bc he went in as psyc patient bc of trying to exit the car and saying he'd kill himself. so they gave him medication - which was same that he was abusing. then he did not want to do the rehab program so they discharged him w 5 prescriptions! he did not come home but husband tried to get him to go back to the hospital, (here's my point) my husband kept calling the hospital manager of the rehab. she was helpful at first and said he could come back, but after a few weeks of calling -- saying he's going to go in, asking if he went in... the woman basically told husband to 'call me when you know he is here in the building'. he also tried calling attorney's office , and court office... the people on the other end of the phone responded -- WHO are you? WHY are you calling. he quickly realized NO One wanted to talk to DAD!










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Posted: December 6, 2019, 9:06 PM


Posts: 1622
Joined: June 27, 2016



Another thing about letting them deal with their own court issues is that its one less thing that you bailed him out of. one less thing to hold against him, even if it is not said out loud. It is liberating to NOT spend more time and $$ on a situation that you are not responsible for creating.

It took our son months to get to a point where he was not angry with his situation and took ownership. He did want to take care of the court stuff himself. even while in addiction he kept going to the court dates, didn't want us involved. In heinsight, I think he kept showing up, but postponing it to the next month bc he was avoiding the consequenses of DUI - license suspended, fees to DMV, jail or probation. (when he got arrested for stealing chips, the court rolled the past offense into the mix. that is what he ended up staying in jail for.

back to the main point... early on his phone calls were angry. when I said we would not bail him out or agree to take him home, he said ' then we have nothing to talk about'

(oh - nothing to talk about until he wanted me to put $$ on his commissary account for snacks)

It is hard to let them 'fend for themselves' but it is necessary for them to grow.

Recently, my son called from NYC, after he got out of the rehab. (he is with another person who was discharged on the same day) He is staying at a night time shelter, meaning he has to leave it in the morning. there is some kind of program associated w the shelter, he has applied for social services and might have guidance to get a job or housing.

during the conversation he said he wants to do this on his own.
I said it is not punishment that we cant have you live with us. He said he knows that. I said when dad yells it is not that he is angry at you.. He said " I know, he is angry at my situation, I know he loves me, I want to figure this out on my own."
He wants to have the feeling of doing it on his own. When we do it for him he does not feel the consequences and he also does not feel the pride or success or responsibility.

Just hoping the progress continues, even if it is slow. At least once a day I feel awful that my son is struggling, I know it can not be easy even when he does want to do this on his own. I would be nice if it were spring instead of the beginning of winter!

I'm glad our stories help you!

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on December 6, 2019, 10:10 PM
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Posted: December 7, 2019, 3:17 AM


Posts: 78
Joined: November 10, 2019



I think too, we, as parents/spouses start to change too, the more we learn and experience. This forum and the sharing helps to speed up the process and the learning curve. I think handling our emotions while trying to not be enabling is really difficult. Addiction hits just about every emotion. I think we all are trying to do the best we can. I know we all love our adult children/spouses otherwise we wouldn't be here.
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Posted: December 7, 2019, 10:50 AM


Posts: 1622
Joined: June 27, 2016



sallyanna - Yes! That's what I was trying to say!
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Posted: December 7, 2019, 11:04 AM


Posts: 78
Joined: November 10, 2019



Your posts are spot on NTF ....I get so much from them and I'm sure we all do....Bless you sister!!!!
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Posted: December 7, 2019, 11:49 AM


Posts: 12
Joined: November 30, 2019



I could agree more with both of you!!
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Posted: December 13, 2019, 11:37 PM


Posts: 246
Joined: December 23, 2018



HopeMom!! Enjoy the peace as long as you can, take a break from enabling your son's bad behavior & let him figure it out or pay the consequences. It is ABSOLUTELY OK to allow yourself some peace and for your son, he does need to decide WHO in his life is bad for him & better for him. As I frequently told myself "I DIDN'T CAUSE THIS, I CAN'T CONTROL THIS & I CAN'T CURE THIS". Your son caused it, he can't control it but is the only one who can when he decides to get help & he has to figure what works to "cure" (we know it isn't cured...") his situation & addiction

Good luck Momma!
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Posted: December 15, 2019, 12:35 PM


Posts: 67
Joined: June 14, 2012



My daughter, 26 was sober for 6 years and then relapsed last summer. We are struggling since then. Same pattern as you are describing....
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Posted: December 15, 2019, 1:27 PM


Posts: 1622
Joined: June 27, 2016



Axor - so sorry to hear that. 6 years sober! Life is such an emotional roller coaster. Wanting the best for our children, seeing them succeed, and then relapse. It is not an easy time. Wishing you strength to get thru the holidays, control what you can, avoid what you cant. Thank you for sharing.
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Posted: December 15, 2019, 7:48 PM


Posts: 67
Joined: June 14, 2012



Thank you NyTOFlorida
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Posted: December 17, 2019, 12:06 PM


Posts: 358
Joined: November 16, 2017



Wow! I am really sorry to hear that. That has to be devastating. Keeping you in my thoughts. I hope she works it out to get back to recovery.
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