Fighting My Liar Brain Day In And Out
Posted: December 8, 2014, 3:19 PM


Posts: 20
Joined: December 8, 2014



I am P addict for 16 long years ............. with a long history of relapse again again. Every time I hit the ground, hurt and try again to bounce back. Being complacent is my biggest enemy. I lost hope many times but I have only one choice in life to fight back. I lost almost everything in my life. The list is so long that I even couldnt remember. You name it and I lost that, love and trust of my father and mother, my brother, my gf, finance, carrier, friends, everything.....I dont remember a thing that I dont loose and still loosing.
I know I can't fix everything at once, it took 16 long years to loose all. I am 32 years now. I can't get back in one day. Its impossible, but I want to start now to gain one thing at a time. First I want back my family and its financial security. I know my brain will lie to me again and never worth my trust. But I have only one brain and nothing else. I cant substitute it. I have to make it trustworthy, obedient and responsible, but how, I really don't know. There is constant pain in head any time. I keep on ignoring. The urge is very strong when I am alone at night. Giving so many excuses as ' Just once last time and then never' ' I want it at any cost' "Do it you are so tired, it will relax you" The whole world enjoyment lies in it" "YOu can't live without it". Come on, nobody is around just do it, enjoy. ......................... My own Brain is lying and illuring me with so false logics. how to say it, Just shut up u liar, u killer, u self distructor. Please leave me alone................ I decided to beat the demon inside me every day. I will never be complacent at any cost. ............. Please help me once friends to fight myself.
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Posted: December 14, 2014, 1:39 PM


Posts: 20
Joined: December 8, 2014



I am clean since the day I last posted. Yesterday I was working in my lab 5 am, throughout night, not slept well for last 3 days. I was continuosly in lab working in lab for 3 days, tiredness of my body and brain was shouting for my addiction, I am just thinking and getting weaker. I was about to give my commitment and staring hard to take it. My will power made very strong decision to leave and not ot take it at any any cost even if I die and went home and slept. I was not getting the sleep, my mind is crying for the addiction to take. I was just closing my eyes with whole body and brain tired and burning in pain, impossible to get sleep. Everything inside me is on fire for addiction to take. I was very tired to stop them, feeling the real hell. My brain knows it is one tick to death, still for my whole body it is the only life. My brain delusion was stopping myself is only death, and free to be addicted is life. Every part of my body was crying and shouting for it like water to a dying man in desert. I have created for myself Death on both side, what to do. Its very true "An addict is an addict for life time". But still I am clean and sober, I have improved alot in my work. Just last week my wife was crying to leave me to survive. But now she is very happy with me, Shower her love on me day and night with kisses. She behaves as if I am like angel for her. Truely speaking till last weak I was worst devil for her. In frustration with my addiction, I used to abuse her with all sorts of words, beat her, threaten her to throw her out of house. I was nothing more than a beast. I am always feelinf extreame depression , complete darkness, no way out. My one decision would have let me death. She knows and feels everything with me and keep questioning why god has made her life so hellish, keep crying day and night. She share her dreams with me " She want to live happily with me, loving me, working hard, secured future, enjoying atmosphere and simple life" but she got whole atmosphere of pain, depression, day in and out crying husband (fighting inside) who has nothing except pain, depression, cry, insult and hell of all sort to share with her.
I was really surprised that I can change so quickly. My wife was really happy, I am really happy, Everybody around me feeling some motivation. I swear I ll beat this hell permanently and forever, I have the right to be happy, I have the right to laugh, I have the right to live, and I will not allow any addiction to snatch my life from myself and my family, I will not allow any addiction to torture me, enslave me, bully me or kill me. I got the truth of addiction and fight with it with all my life left inside me.
My mummy and boss was really happy after a very long time. I feel sorry for everybody who have suffered because of me, My mom, My boss, My wife, My friends, My ex gf, My teachers, My Dad, My Family and Myself. I was the real hell for them, living with me and dealing with me.
I am really enjoying my clean and soberity. It is like new life. Please god dont take it back.




With addicton death seems to be much beautiful and worthy than worse life of 24X7 severe pain, extreame depression, hallucination, bad dreams, motivating to commit suicide every second of life, lifes worthlessness, heaviness on other, cause of everybodies sorrow and tears of family, even who has given you birth, your mother wants you would have died before this hell creation on earth for others........................ Never become addict....... I pray to you.... even who has given you birth will pray for your death............... I suffered this and still on verge of this relapse.

This post has been edited by Tiger Raj on December 14, 2014, 2:04 PM
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Posted: December 23, 2014, 9:01 AM


Posts: 20
Joined: December 8, 2014



My brain is a hell to live in.............. Somebody plz kill me. I am dying for a blow.............I am feeling so tired, so depressed, so messed up............ I hate this life............ yakk.......
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Posted: December 28, 2014, 2:59 AM


Posts: 20
Joined: December 8, 2014



Relapse

Relapse

Relapse


Feeling so depressed that I cannot control myself and fell into darkness of my addiction. I am fully dipped in my addiction............... I am in hell again.............. depressed........ broken.............. guilty................ I killed my family again......... I am addict............ I took pity on myself...........
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Posted: December 29, 2014, 4:44 AM


Posts: 20
Joined: December 8, 2014



Day 1
Yesterday night was too bad, I was not getting the sleep feeling restless, for my high. At last I gave up and taken up mild dose and relaxed and went to sleep easily.

I am ashamed of myself that I lost the battle against the demon inside me............ I am feeling down and sad.......... I am back into darkness............
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