Who Am I, Really?
Posted: May 23, 2011, 8:58 AM

Posts: 274
Joined: May 20, 2011

Im not sure what I want to write about, I just know I have so much inside of me I feel like I will explode if I dont find some release. I am tormented by memories. I know I have PTSD and I guess its all supposed to fade eventually, but for now I keep my mind busy all the time. Mostly I just read. I try to keep my head stuck in a book. In stories so I dont have to deal with my memories. I wish I could have that peaceful time before falling asleep, but I watch TV until Im out. If I let down my guard I will be attacked by flashbacks, so scary and I will have nightmares. Its exhausting. Its not just the memories of what was done to me but of things I have done. Or things I allowed to happen. I was a bad person. Really bad. I always thought (before the end) that I was a pretty good person. Yes, an addict but not evil. I was in 2 very abusive relationships. I was with my husband for 12 years. He did some horrible things and I was a part of it. So did the other guy. I cant forgive myself. I want to. I know the only way to get healthy is to get past this. I cant and I cant talk to anybody. I was a bad person. So I wonder now was I ever good? Am I good now? Im kind now. All my kids friends love me. I give them love and understanding. I bake them cakes on their b days and I dont have to try to be this way its just who I am now...but what about that other person. Is she still a part of me too? The memories are. Sometimes I just want to give up. Go back to what I know. None of these memories haunt me when Im high....I wont go back. Ive been home for 4 years. Completely sober for 7 months. I dont ever want to leave my kids again, and I know I would die this time. Im HIV positive and my numbers are low. I would die. I was almost dead last time I got off the street 4 years ago. I dont want to die. I want to live. I want to be here for my kids. I helped my daughter pick out a dress for junior prom and I was here to help her get ready. I felt so lucky and blessed to be apart of it. I was gone for most of their childhood. I have the best family in the world. Well, no not really. We are all crazy but loving and forgiving. I never want to miss another moment.
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