Posted: September 15, 2017, 3:03 AM

Posts: 20
Joined: August 29, 2017

ello, I am new here. Not sure where to start so here it goes. In the spring of 2016, my husband admitted to stealing my sister in law's prescription Oxycodone medication that she takes for severe Lupus. She had recently had an amputation. He took it while we were visiting at her home. I had no knowledge of this but had noticed that he had been nodding off recently. My brother confronted him after he reailzed that 17 oxycodone pills were missing. At first he denied it but then returned 12 of the 17 pills. At the time I was pregnant with our second child. My brother insisted that he tell me. My husband then confessed to me that he had been self medicating with Percocet and Vicodin pills that he got from "other people" and thinks he became dependent on them. I was humiliated, angry, embarrassed, scared, but stood by him and offered my love and support. My parents found out about it and they were supportive as well as my brother.
He was not honest or straightforward about how long this had been going on. He began seeing a doctor for suboxone. He was also already prescribed xanax and paxil from his primary care doctor. Since the summer of 2016 he had shown the following unusual symptoms: muscle aches, constipation, excessive sweating, among others. He would go in the bathroom for lengthy periods of time. At one point he even fell down the stairs while I was giving the children a bath. He also began receiving testosterone injections form an urologist. I read that low testosterone is very common in patients taking opioids. One night he passed out in the car while it was parked in the driveway. In April of 2017, we were arguing and under a lot of stress with an infant and a 2 year old. We had gotten in an argument the night before. The next day, my husband was cursing in front of our sons. He knows it bothers me. WHile holding our infant son, he began to curse. When I remarked about it he hurled his glass mug of coffee across the kitchen while holding our infant son. THe mug was completely smashed and shattered in view of our two children. He also called me a C*n*. That same day he was visibilly impaired at a gathering at my brothers house. My nieces, nephews, grandparents, parents, and children were all there. Everyone took notice. When we got back to my house, I alerted his mother and aunt and we had a mini intervention. Several nights later he was nodding off on the couch and acting, incoherent, illogical, very odd. He held out his arm and there was a large bruise (about 4-5 inches) with a puncture mark. I left the house with our two children and the next day had some of his relatives over to make him leave our home. I felt he and the kids were at risk. He smashed a bench on the front porch before leaving. He kept coming back to the house demanding to see the kids. At one point he got in an argument with my parents and kicked our garbage can across the room. I went to court and got an order of protection. Social services came to the house and after speaking with him about the allegations, filed neglect charges. Now he has supervised visitation and is enrolled in an outpatient program. I filed for a divorce. I also found out that his friend, our next door neighboor, was fired from her job at a pharmacy for stealing pills. I am sick over this. I searched the house and found muscle relaxers, lyrica, a small bottle of advil with 7 vicodins, and one prescription for xanax and one for paxil. Everything is such a mess. He says we are making a mistake getting a divorce. I just have had enough with the lies, betayal, unpredictable behavior. He thinks we can fix things. He still denies that he injected anything into his arm, but I will never forget what I saw. My feelings have changed. I am horrified. I don't abuse drugs. I am just trying to protect my children and myself. If I took him back I would always have to worry about a relapse. I don't trust him anymore. He has been testing clean with the court ordered drug tests so they are gradually increasing visitation. He admitted to me that he took his father's pain medications after he passed away from cancer 4 years ago. I was horrified. I know my husband suffers from pain from sports injuries from gymnastics. He also worked in construction growing up. I understand this is not easy but I almost feel as if the painkillers made the pain worse. He says he was using them medicinally but part of me feels as if he was also numbing emotional pain. I dont know what to believe anymore. I feel like such a cold hearted person for leaving him. He's done a lot for me over the years but I just think this is too much for me to handle. It's not what I signed up for when I got married. So much heartache and pain. Now we have trust issues. He is in an outpatient program now and he is clean. I just don't want to have to go through a relapse with him. Wish I had a crystal ball to tell the future. Please advise.
Posted: September 15, 2017, 10:29 AM

Posts: 1691
Joined: June 27, 2016

hi - my son is an addict, a somewhat functioning one. at the moment, his life is going down hill again. I can relate to all you are saying, the heartbreak, horrors, fear, undependable, lies, etc. It would be great if we had a crystal ball - to see what they are doing, etc. we would probably see worse things than we could imagine.

about getting a divorce, go for it. You have seen that you need to be independent from his actions. you cant control it, cure it and you didnt cause it. You dont have to live in chaos. You need a safe, stable home for your boys.

he also needs to stand on his own to come to terms w his issues.

You are doing the right thing. you did not sign up for this mess. not your problem to solve. let his family take care of it. It will be a rough year while the divorce goes thru. stay tough and firm on your decisions and boundaries.

you might want to invest in a security system for the house.

This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on September 15, 2017, 10:34 AM
Posted: September 17, 2017, 9:35 AM

Posts: 454
Joined: August 4, 2015

I commend you for doing the right thing. It's not easy but you did what was best for your children and yourself. It's great that your husband is in an outpatient program but the realities of the situation are that he'll probably relapse at some point...maybe a one time thing, maybe not. From all the stories I've heard and read, the odds are against staying clean. My 31 year old son is a heroin/opiate addict but is currently clean because he's in jail. In the past 5 years, the only times he's been clean are when he's incarcerated and the month and a half that he was in rehab. He's been homeless and living on the streets and that still wasn't enough to make him want to give up heroin. The point I'm making is that it's a really hard thing to overcome and you made a good decision to not wait around to see if he gets better. Keep looking out for you and your kids and let him get well or not, it's all up to him.

Posted: September 18, 2017, 2:11 PM

Posts: 3
Joined: September 18, 2017

Honestly, I think the best thing we can do for an addict is to leave them be. Let them be an addict by themselves. It will allow them to hit a bottom faster. They have a God, and it is not us. I think when there is someone "helping" them, they rebel. When there is no on there pushing them to get help, they hit bottom faster and seek help on their own. I believe most people do not appreciate things they don't earn. They will take for granted. When they have to work for something they appreciate it much more. Cherish it, so to speak.
So in short, best way to help them is to leave. If it's mean to be, you will reconnect in the future when they are clean.
I wish you the best.
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