On Methadone But Almost Home.
Posted: June 8, 2015, 3:54 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



ok so I'm on day eight of my cold turkey coming off 140mg a day. This is the second time around for me and it is much harder this time for some reason. I stayed off for about a year last time and it only took me 9 - 10 days to come good, but yeah judging by the way I'm feeling right now, this one is going to drag out a bit. My body feels like one big toothache, I'm not sleeping, and I keep getting that uncontrollable urge to stretch out really hard and that's not good when you hurting and trying not to vomit. Anyway I actually doing this at home with my wife and son and daughter (7 and 4) around which means inside I feel like crying and screaming and freaking out or even just complaining but I'm acting like it's all good and that I'm handling it like a boss for my babies. Despite all that I am not the least bit shook in my conviction and I know I'm going to beat this bud my god I really wish it would ease up! or just stop intensifying! So it's 5:50am (I'm in Australia) and after another endless sleepless night I'm ready to start feeling better now. and since my wife and kids are asleep and these words are silent - AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGHHHHHHHHAAAAAAANNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!! Wish me luck

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 8, 2015, 5:24 PM


Posts: 1059
Joined: August 29, 2011



wow!
You ARE a brave one. I would never try that. I knew a gal that was put on a financial detox (they should be illegal) and it nearly killed her.
I hope all goes well with you and your wife and kids. They need you.

good luck!

granny

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I NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH LOVE MY HEART COULD HOLD UNTIL SOMEONE CALLED ME GRANDMA.


STOP AND LISTEN TO THE BIRDS SINGING IN THE TREES. WHEN THE BIRDS ARE SINGING EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS OK.[FONT=Courier][FONT=Arial]
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Posted: June 8, 2015, 8:24 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



thankyou so much Granny23, it has to feel better soon surely. Im trying to work out what a financial detox is. So in my (muddled) mind either the bank sent an assassin after your friend or you meant something else. ;) Help me out

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 9, 2015, 1:24 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



ok so it's 3am day 9. Obviously sleep is dodging me, and only comes in bursts of like 30 minutes to 1 hour once or twice a night, but every time I wake up I feel worse than before I slept. Thankfully that only stays for an hour or so then I usually shake it off. I find that if I am distracted enough or in the shower I do feel better but as soon as I get my hopes up I start feeling horrible again. I've suffered from joint pain and fatigue for a long time before this little adventure so I know I'm not going to come out feeling perfect but that's ok. the yawning and stretching is wearing me down right now. Yawning and stretching sounds nice but if you have experienced this kind you know it's a kind of Chinese torture like when you drip water on someone's head until it feels like hammer blows. When I used to yawn and stretch, right after I would feel kind of warm, mellow and relaxed, but this is more like the yawn is trying to pull my bottom jaw off my head and the stretch is so hard and intense that it hurts like hell and I have to force myself to pull out of it. The more I do it the more my nose runs and eyes water, but that's more annoying than anything else. Each time I feel more tired but yeah, no sleep. Thankfully the overall feeling of HELP! MAKE IT STOP! is defo better than yesterday. even if it's only a little bit, it makes a huge difference coz now that it's not getting worse anymore I know each day will get easier than the one before from now on.

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 9, 2015, 7:42 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



ok 9:30am I got two hrs sleep last night or well this morning which is awesome, longest sleep yet. Again woke up feeling pretty bad but coming out of it now. The soul sucking horrible feeling is much less today, I'm still really tired but my mind is AWAKE! still got the back leg and joint pain but a lot of that I have had since before I started any opiates. I'm lucky not to have to work like al lot of people do through this and I have people who know what I'm up to that are checking on me but leaving me alone which is nice. I've been drinking powerade which is like Gatorade to help keep me hydrated coz I started getting headaches that I couldn't cope with so yeah panadol once or twice a day and tons of powerade. I've been jumping on the treadmill in short bursts too which feels good. I bent down yesterday to turn it on and immediately got this massive headache. As if someone grabbed me by the neck and said WHAT DO THINK YOUR DOIN. I was like ok ok s*** s*** hahaha. But yeah not out off the woods yet but feel like I'm up over the worst of it now and not feeling so desperate. Music is making me cry and and get pumped up and inspired again! I'm so happy about that, it's been so long.

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 9, 2015, 8:26 PM


Posts: 97
Joined: February 19, 2015



i'm on day 72 since quitting methadone myself and am glad that you sound like your doing better.

Keep up the good work!!!🌠
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Posted: June 9, 2015, 9:52 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



pastcutter day 72! that's awesome so your reading this and goin yep I know exactly what that's like. Yes definately starting to feel a bit better and stay positive. It's hard to deal with the 'ok gotta move gotta do something' feelings I'm starting have again, partly because once I hop up and get busy I get weak real quick and just wanna hop back into bed, but mostly coz it's not that doped out mellow relaxed feeling I got so used to over the years on opiates. I gotta find stuff to do that doesn't burn me out but keeps my mind busy. Thanks for the feedback and encouragement, every bit helps. And full respect for racking up 72 days. When I hear that, it makes me want to prove that I can do it too!

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 10, 2015, 12:29 AM


Posts: 971
Joined: May 14, 2015



Hey, just got done reading on your other post bout what works for some doesn't work for others. I'm with you on the long drawn out taper. Tried it was miserable to say least only got down 5mg then year later dropped super fast and jumped from 10. Question for you, after quitting before and being off for year what made you start again? Just curious...psychologically been hell for me& I'm bout to hit year&half. I guess maybe that's why I'm wondering why. Anyway you sound super optimistic,considering you know. That's awesome. Hang in there..... -Mary
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Posted: June 10, 2015, 12:48 AM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



hey Mary, I have had mild but constant joint pain for a lot of years and I can handle it for a while but eventually it kind of wore me down. And believe me I barely even saw it creep back in. I just was feeling less than great and had no real plan to feel better or happier and I figured a bit of codeine won't hurt here and there if and when I needed it. I mean I beat METHADONE and barely broke a sweat (that wasn't true, I did sweat, a lot and it sucked) so I can handle codeine every now and again. But it just slowly turned into the same old story, I started taking it more and more regularly, my tolerance grew more and more, so being super practical I just took more! until I was up to 25 at a time 3 - 4 times a day. After a while a friend got worried and mentioned it to his doc who immediately sent an urgent note through him to come and see her ASAP before I developed a stomach ulcer, ruptured it, and bled to death! so she tried me on a few things and eventually had me on 10ml methadone pills eventually up to 14 a day. I think the main thing was that the first time around I stopped methadone thinking that once I did, all my troubles would be gone. I was wrong. I mean it wasn't anything I don't think I can handle, I just was not prepared for it so it snuck up on me. This time I'm expecting to feel crap and sore and I'm going to work at finding better ways to deal with it. I reckon it's normal to WANT to escape reality if your reality sucks, but it would be better to figure out a way to make that reality better, and that's my plan.

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 10, 2015, 12:54 AM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



I forgot to mention that I had a bunch of mild conditions all of which cause joint pain, the main one being Ross river fever. But it's not all that I don't think, I was unhappy and stressed and unsatisfied and needed not to feel like that at least sometimes

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 10, 2015, 3:49 AM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



Captains Log, star date blah blah can't remember how that goes. Still day 9, 5:30pm. Kids are home from school and my wife is next to me on the couch. I keep swinging back and forth between being really talkative and then, shutting down and hoping no-one will bother me. I don't want to wig out and worry them so I figure I'll post an update and get whatever off my chest. symptoms are still on the way down however slowly, and it gives me heart when I check myself to know that I'm moving forward. I keep coming back to the same thing, how do I manage down the road when things are not going the way I hoped and I'm feeling rough? I am already getting back into my guitar and muckin around singing in the shower (I'm in there a lot) but I'm more worried about the fact that the health issues I have don't have a cure, and of all the doctors I've seen they all say that they can't fix it, they can only try to help manage the symptoms but look at where that got me. I have tried a bunch of things but in the end it always comes back around. When I'm feeling upbeat and full of beans I feel like I can do anything and the pain doesn't shake me so much, but I just don't feel like that all the time, or even very much at all. The only thing I found that helps with that is pain meds but I can't do the side effects anymore. So I'm a bit stuck. I have a rotten headache and I'm starting feel twitchy and sore and exhausted again so I think am gonna go try to sing in the shower some more.

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 10, 2015, 6:55 AM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



runninah runninahhhh, runninah nah nana nahhhh, losin my s*** again, losin all my s*** again. Yep I'm losin it, no fear of relapse but yeah losin it a bit. I was rambling away makin the kids laugh and I was cracking myself up too, I did the whole belly laugh then stomp stomp clap hahahaaaa and was laughing so hard I had to bend down and put my hands on my knees, So I'm bent over laughing and I get this sudden dizzy rush and start blacking out. I started toppling forward but kept trying to get my feet under me so I ended up doing this weird staggering run across the lounge room into the couch with a freaked out look on my face. Yep full bum rush. It probably looked like I was trying to rugby tackle the furniture and run from a bear at the same time. Hahaha It's alright kids Daddy's just mucking around! It sounds funny but it freaked me out a bit and everyone got a bit worried. I'm probly just run down, lack of sleep and high stress for a prolonged period. My wife made me this mad juice, it was amazing! it was purple and it didn't even have any beetroot in it! I went to take a sip and it was so immediately fantastic that I just glugged the whole thing down and started having this insane burping and sneezing fit. My body is so weird right now. that's not even the half of it. I'm not even gonna mention all the other crazy s*** that's going on but suffice it to say, well... I dunno ITS JUST WEIRD!

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 10, 2015, 9:40 AM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



Every time I find myself freaking out and getting frazzled I either hit the shower or write another post, and its really helping right now. I keep reading over other people's struggles and successes and it keeps me focused on what is important right now. I can't even remember what that weird s*** at the start of my last post sounded like in my head when I typed it anymore but the feeling stands. My mind is so acutely clear at times and then reeling at others. Keep thinking about that Bob Dylan song from the bowling montage at the start of The Big Lebowski, and that line, Storm clouds are raging, all around my door, I think to myself I myself I might not take it anymore, It takes a woman like your kind, to find, the man in me. But ohhhh, what a wonderful feelin. I'm still waiting on the wonderful feeling, but I'm getting glimpses of something better than what I have been settling for, and forcing my wife, my kids to settle for, for so long now, and it's making me feel both excited, but at the same time I'm sad or regretful that I tossed away so much time, being absent from the wonderful things happening around me. Unfortunately when you start devouring your own soul(taking opiates), that's a bit dramatic, you don't get to pick and choose which parts of your heart and soul you get to keep. No. You have to give it all away. I have been here in the same place with my wife the whole time. We are close we hang out we share everything, but throughout this whole thing the one thing she kept saying was that she misses me and wants me back. I will always regret smothering my spirit, SO MUCH, that I was right here but the love of my life couldn't even feel me for YEARS. Thank god she loves me anyway. I don't know what I would do without her. well... get her back probably

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 10, 2015, 2:41 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



3:30 am, got another mammoth 2hr snooze in. had the usual yuck feeling of waking up feeling totally unrested and gross. my 4 year old daughter has crawled into bed next to me at some point, and just as I'm laying there feeling sorry for myself, she blissfully starts kicking me in the spine, in her sleep all moaning and growling and talking sleepy s***. It's cute but there was that agitated little demon in me thinking ohhh how cute, I bet if I throttled her she would barely make a sound. Of course I never would but nobody likes being kicked in the spine when they're coming of opiates, even by a sweet little girl. It's probably that same little demon that say things like 'dude we should go out and take something and feel awesome for a while, it would be totally worth it and would never happen again' thankfully that little b****** doesn't have a lot of clout around these parts anymore. I mean it was only ever a matter of time before somebody pulled him aside and asked him if he was deliberately trying to sink the ship. But you know, it's all fun and games coming up with stories about nasty little weirdos giving me bad ideas but the fact is. When I really start to feel crap I start looking for a way out. It used to be to grab my wallet and guitar and go spend a hundred bux and then embark on a 'live at the lounge room' tour of my friends houses. I mean it's great fun but then you see those same people 2 days later and you can barely make eye contact coz you feel so crap. It's awkward and embarrassing. And It's my own fault. I just don't know how to maintain a bearable physical reality. So it's almost like my normal clean life is a kind of mild but never ending version of a cold turkey kick. I have a few tricks that help momentarily, but in the end I have to just accept that I'm gonna feel crappy and just stick with it. But no-one can do that s***! I mean if I truly believed that there was no way to get better (when I'm clean), I honestly think it would only be a matter of time before I but a bullet in my head or something! You just can't white knuckle your normal everyday life until your 90 years old. But seriously, when my physical health became so unbearable that I realised my once in a while drink and drug use had become a way to somehow cope, I stopped everything and saw no less than 12 different doctors. I told them everything that was happening and everything that I was doing wrong to try to 'survive', and they had nothing for me. I only found one doctor who was willing to take me at my word and try to help find what was wrong. So I was in and out of places seeing specialists and getting scans and blood tests done, and she did manage to find out that I had Ross river fever among a few other things. But the thing about that is, you get varying levels of fatigue and joint pain for varying lengths of time. Some people are over it in 3 weeks but most have it licked in 3-6 months. The scary part is there are known cases where people have suffered for up to 15 years. 15 YEARS!!! I was a bit put off but having been like that for a number of years already I was relieved to finally know what the flip was wrong with me, and certain that it had to be over soon. Well that was years ago. I'm up to 7 nearly 8 years now and the the only difference since it began is that I noticed, after the first two years (I was still trying to work 6 days a week after a year) it got slightly and I mean slightly better. And it's not like I was at work feeling a little under the weather and thinking it would be nice to feel better, I woke up every day next to my wonderful pregnant wife, and wanted to die the minute no, the second my eyes opened. Sometimes I would get halfway through the day and have to clock off and curl up in the back of my van. I couldn't even drive myself home. plus I was moonlighting at pubs and clubs and such singing with my guitar. when I finally accepted that I had to stop working, I spent the next year in bed, like 80 percent of the time. if anyone came over or I had to do something I would drag myself out of bed and just try to stay on my feet till it was done. so yeah it got old after a while. There were bouts of speed and things like that trying to recapture the feeling of being my old energetic talkative, singing dancing self, but as I said somewhere before, once it started making me feel worse overall I gave it the boot. Mostly it was the painkillers. I didn't want to get high, I just wanted to feel human, but yeah I definately started enjoying the "accidental" (totally deliberate) highs I would get when I took a little extra. Anyway this one is dragging out so I'm gonna end it and try to find something to do with myself until the sun comes up. Day 10 yeehaw!

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 10, 2015, 4:06 PM


Posts: 971
Joined: May 14, 2015



I'm trying to register everything, um not sure what the rivers thing you mentioned is...but got gist of joint issues. I remember sitting in dark for hours just waiting for my friend to wake up or someone to talk too. Especially round day 10. I would sit chain smoking listening to music in my laundry room constantly, I guess to escape my Mind as music soothes all. As far as your kids go,they are young & being silly getting them to laugh is ok you know? Your present! Myself I couldn't be for a while, felt detached& didn't want him to see me in state I was in. Luckily had good friend staying with me and couldn't have done without,helped so much with son,(7 at time). But yeah isn't that gut wrenching laughter awesome,aside from stomach pains....but nothing in comparison to the rest,so yeah worth it. I appreciate my humor back soooo much, yeah found stuff funny on methadone but so different now, and yeah I'll say stuff crack myself up when others aren't laughing (they do sometimes cause I am funny) point is if you only make yourself laugh that's all that matters! Day 10! Keep it up. -Mary
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Posted: June 10, 2015, 4:30 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



I so no what you mean, it's not like you don't laugh on methadone but it's not the same experience at all. But yeah I'm in Australia and where I live there are tons of wallabies and mosquitoes. apparently the mozzie bites the wallaby that has the virus and then bites the person and voila! s*** town! no soup for you! I know you didn't ask for details but I thought f#%k it. And yeah I'm happy to be around my babies as long as I'm keeping my s*** nailed down, but as soon as I start to get sideways I just lock myself in the bedroom till I get it together again. Just so lucky to have my wife covering everything here while I sort this out, and thanks for the feedback, telling my tale and reading other peoples is making the difference right now

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 10, 2015, 4:40 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



I was reading somewhere that I would feel a lot better if I wasn't drinking coffee and smoking ciggies, I'm sure that's true but honestly I think if someone actually had a go at taking my smokes right now I think it would have to be a trade like say your eyeballs for my smokes hahaha but yeah one thing at a time dag stabbit!

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 10, 2015, 5:07 PM


Posts: 281
Joined: January 14, 2015



Thank god for coffee and smokes, im a reformed smoker (the worst kind)lol and im a mad coffee drinker, probably why sleep eludes me! Hope your day is a good one almost! My hubby gets home this evening☺ for 4 days, so if im a little quiet, thats why!



shell
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Posted: June 10, 2015, 7:21 PM


Posts: 681
Joined: June 8, 2015



oh no, so you like, can't stop yourself from waxing lyrical about the joys of a tobacco free existence even if you don't want to and know you are doing it? and can even see that they don't want to hear it? hahaha. Ok truthfully Thats totally been me in the past. And I'm fairly sure that if I wasn't so freaked out by people's judgement, I'd be walking around town raving on about how good it is to be off methadone. Or at a job interview, what are your strengths? well, I'm a quick learner, I work well in a team, and I am the BOSS at getting of methadone. The guy starts involuntarily checking whether I took his wallet yet or not...

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'considerate people don't trash bars'
Jost Sauer - Rebels Guide to Recovery
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Posted: June 10, 2015, 7:41 PM


Posts: 281
Joined: January 14, 2015



Haha...yep, geez i love your posts! But really my hubby smokes and i dont telling him to "wash your damn mouth out before coming near me cause that s*** is nasty" Im the one out there with all the smokers blabbin on how horrid this is..cough cough! Id love to shout at the top of my lungs YEAH 5 DAY OFF N+ AFTER 3 YEARS THATS ME THATS MINE I OWN THAT!!! Cause im pretty proud of how far ive come..but to the non drug addicts id just look stoopid right, or worse, id be shunned..Me this normal mum who takes her kids to sports and school and does all the things other mums do...im normal right? I would forever be judged for a bad choice i made...never mind the fact that im trying my hardest to clean up...people dont see that..they just see the worst....and are so quick to judge..dont open your closet people, YOUR skeletons will fall out!!!
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