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|Posted by: justjane February 14, 2006, 5:32 PM|
|I started using pills recreationally. With two children under two, full time job, house and all the responsibilities of that life. I took Loritabs or Perc. 7.5's to "unwind" also to perk me up and make me a fun mom a happy wife and friend. My used escaleted till I was out of control. The withdrawls were terrible. My best friend introduced me to meth. She was a former pill user as well she said it gets you through the withdrawals so you don't feel as bad. That was true it gave a lift. Soon I had that same old be nice get things done feeling again. It was really easy to get and a lot cheaper than the pills. I was hooked. later fights had escalated with my husbands mostly about finances but also my escalating drug dependence. He didn't know I had started using meth he though I was just using pain pills. I kicked him out of our house. I started selling some pills for a few bucks here and there. Mostly just to friends and family. My friends were increasing I had a place to party and it brought me plenty of free drugs. I felt the friends I had were decent people just liked to party it didn't seem strange. My best friend had just got divorced so we were together a lot. She would bring her kid or we would have a party when my x picked up the kids for the weekend. 3 more months and my x had had enough, he stopped making the house payments. I was totally dependant on meth at that point. My mind was gone. The local major crimes unit raided my house. I was charged with arranging for distribution of meth and Loritabs both felonies. The next six months I spent going to court and looking for work but I was so strung out no one would hire me. (I am an accountant) At this point I had lost my house and moved in with a fellow druggie boyfriend. He kicked me sporadically because we were both so high all the time. When he kicked me out I basically lived on the streets. My x was loosing all patience with me and my kids wouldn’t come a visit me only on occasion. At the times I was out of the boyfriends house I would do a little shoplifting it was fun to me when I was high. I also was able to get things for my kids. I got caught 10 times. On the last time I was sentenced to 6 months in jail. I was also finally I was sentenced on my charges for selling drugs. I would get a month jail and probation which stipulated getting treatment. I did my month and got released early on my shoplifting charged as long as I went to rehab. So I got released to a rehab after two months. The day before my release my best friend was also sent to jail. She died in the jail detoxing from heroin. 3 weeks after entering rehab I had already relapsed on pain pills. I had a "dirty" UA. I was in violation of probation I was sentenced to 90 days. I ended up doing 6 full months of jail time. During that time I found AA and started attending every chance I got. When I was released. I had nothing no home no husband. I did not want to go back to the boyfriend that used drugs. I asked my mother and dad if I could move back in with them. I got a job and I had started school in the evenings with grants and student loans. I have now been clean for 20 months. I pray to god daily and recite my story enough to keep me humble and grateful. Thank you God for my sobriety. I just keep sobriety a priority and have the attitude of gratitude. I found this site and added it to my sobriety routine. That is my biggest success.
|Posted by: justjane July 13, 2006, 9:04 AM|
|TWO YEARS!!!! My sobriety date is 07-13-04 that is the day I lost “control” of my world. I have posted above the things that lead to my rock bottom. It’s shortened but the moral of the story is there. What you can’t see is all the pain that it involved. All the hurting and soul searching and finally the release. I finally realized that I could not do life like I was any more. I opened my eyes and saw who I was hurting and I truly cared.
One thing that started to change my life and I still recall when I get scared is something a counselor shared with me. He said, “I have heard it said I would die for my kids, husband, family or loved ones, but what I want to know is would you LIVE for them?” From the point that was said to me I made a choice and I started to do the things I needed to do to get my life back in order. I humbly asked for help and surrounded myself with the people that loved me that never gave up on me. It wasn’t always easy. I felt embarrassed for the things that I had done. I felt scared for all that I had ruined. I felt overwhelmed at all that I faced. I looked to my HP to find acceptance, courage, and wisdom. And I felt it. I followed the advice of counselors and parents and other addicts. I began to think of how I wanted my children to view me. Regardless if I was in their lives or not. Did I want them to have a wasted addict mom? Or did I want them to have a working mom, who may not have everything but has humility and grace. Everyday since that day when I have a decision to make I ask myself: What kind of woman do I want to be? And I make a decision to reflect that. I have a stronger relationship with my HP and it gets stronger every day. I listen to my intuition and pray and leave my mind open to my possibilities. I want to be a woman who honors her experience and tells her stories. Who refuses to carry her sins within her body and life. I want to walk through my past and honor the influence it has on my future. I want to sit in circles of other women who remind each other of the truth of their beauty and strength. I believe that I have found that here.
I am marveled by the fact that I have actually made it two years. Even last year I would look at the days on the calendar and wonder if I would make it for my one year. Lately, I just take life as it comes and wow does it goes by fast. I count my blessing everyday. I see the beauty in the everyday things that I didn’t before. I have an attitude of gratitude for life.
I had a beautiful friend that did not make this journey with me. She died in August 2004 from complication of heroin withdrawal. I cannot count the times I have looked at my children and realized how lucky I am just to be alive. Even in times of pain, stress, broken heart, and hurt I think of how fortunate I am that the powers that be let me hang around. I feel her presence with me and she is a strong influence to make better choices from here on out. I try to make the life that I am living now something to be proud of and worth remembering. Thanks for being here and sharing with me this wonderful, crazy, beautiful, tragic life. May we all be blessed with a sober day today.
|Posted by: justjane July 13, 2007, 9:09 AM|
|3 Years! If I had looked at this in the begining of my recovery I would have wondered why anyone would have bothered celebrating after they were beyond maybe a year. I know why now. This is a big deal to me still. I am a living miracle. I take this day to pause and take notice of what an unbelievable mess my life was, and then thank that power much greater than I. It wasn't me who got me out of the mess I was in. I prayed, didn't do any drugs, and just did the next right thing. Then that power that I was prayin to answered those prayers some times quickly sometimes slowly. Today I am living a life that I would have only dreamed about in early recovery. I will continue to do the next right thing and keep prayin and with God's grace I will get another twenty-four.
Keep doing what's right it works!
Much love and respect,
|Posted by: justjane July 22, 2008, 12:51 PM|
|For 3 years straight I woke up on the morning of July 13th absolutely giddy. To write a clip about the importance of the day. What I endured, what strengthened me, Why I endured and Why it strengthened me. That day is still clear in my mind. I still woke up and I was still as grateful as ever for my sobriety/serenity. Turns out however, that I was on the road with my family. I was on that vacation because 4 years ago a choice was made for me, then given back to me to choose daily for the rest of my life, to uphold. So far today I am still drug free. Mean, Lean & Serene. It’s an honest to God miracle.
July 13, 2004 I woke up in jail cell charged with 3 felonies, no family, no home. This year on July 13th I ran a 5k with my 63 year old mom, my kids waiting for me at the finish line, and cheering me on.
I am grateful, I am sober, and I am strong. Thanks for being here when I needed you most.
|Posted by: justjane July 13, 2009, 10:39 AM|
|5 years ago by the grace of God I was given a chance to paint a very different picture for my future. When I first began the picture, I would get in a hurry wanting to paint over the past. Some times I would want to highlight it. So that what I had there looked a little better. I could still see parts that were irrevocably black. Parts that remained so empty. Eventually it came to me not to pay so much attention to the past. As with any good painting give the foreground the preference. Don't paint the whole landscape to the same degree of detail: paint less detail in the background of the landscape than you do in the foreground. It's less important there and gives more 'authority' to what's in the foreground. The difference in this detail also helps draw your minds eye into the main focus, the present, of the painting. It began to form to come back together the black and the empty spaces filling in around it. First the green formed. The variety and intensity of greens that occur in nature is quite awesome. It is the starting point in determined by the proportions you mix. It is the basics. They began growing with in me like grass the daily reminders the prayer, the steps, the grounding. Bit by bit blending to the sky mending my root relationships light blue, then and making them even stronger the deep penetrating blue, the distance. Soon the light is added the white, knowing there is a deeper purpose to life. The awakening. There are certain points of it stretching to the horizon, the pull to set goals to want to move forward, and the here and now, but also the future. The colors, that are my children and their hopes and dreams light purple, vibrant orange, so light and alive. Sweet long strings of white, running silvers and sweeping yellows pulling us all together. The old life is there in the back ground its grey, brown and dull it is quite obviously there, the peaks and valleys now I can see it adds depth and texture distant shadows of the past are like all the oils in my canvas as it sinks in and makes it all richer in its own way. I realize now that the past doesn’t resurface from time to time; it works in the timing and fills in the bigger picture. The beauty of this picture is there is something new there anytime we are willing to take the time to paint it in. I no longer think that because I've painted a particular landscape once, that I am now done with it. I paint it again and again, in different lights, seasons, and moods. I don’t get bored with this scene; instead I’ve start to see more in it. I try not to worry too much how in making the picture; I may ruin it with my shortcomings either of the past or the present. It is like, the way a tree's shadow tracks it around it through the day, and how the different the light of the harsh midday sun is different to that of sunrise and sunset. Ebbing and flowing. So I still take one day at a time. And shift as the new picture is flowing taking me through the different ranges of light conditions and seasons in my life.
We share something you and I. For that reason you are reading this and even if by a whisper or a thread we share it. I promised myself that I would never forget this day, in an effort to never live it again. I pray that by sharing this part of my daily reprieve of this illness I in turn give hope for yours.
|Posted by: justjane July 26, 2010, 3:59 PM|
|Well.... I did it again! One more year. It almost seem surreal to post this. Since I have been on this site so many things have happened. Moves, boyfriends, jobs, heartbreak, some one read my diary, some one told my work I was a felon and sent my rap sheet to them, I got kicked out of my rental by my aunt, I've ran many races, I've formed a many relationships, I've thought the worst, had many unfounded fears, I graduated with honors from college, I watched my son grow from boy to almost man He gets his drivers license in a few days. I've watched my little girl grow into a young woman. She has a beautiful heart, soul and mind. I took some steps back, and some forward. I've been so sad and confused I didn't know what to do, I've been so happy I thought I woud burst, I've been bored to tears and moved to tears. And so on and so on. AND GUESS WHAT!! I am still drug free and I get to add that to the miracles in my life.
Much love and respect,
|Posted by: justjane July 13, 2011, 7:37 AM|
|7 years ago, I went to court. I was sentenced on a shoplifting charge. I plead not guilty and they told me they had the tape. It would show that I had physically fought off the security guards in ShopKo. The judge banged is gavel and said "Your party is over Mrs. XXXX" . To put my frame of mind in perspective. I was in a short mini dress with no underwear on. I barely made it to court at one o'clock from sleeping off the night before. My party had been over for many months prior. I was using and running to keep from feeling what was going on with me. You see I had cheated on my husband. Ran out and left him with the kids. Lost my job. Had an insatiable pill habit that had destroyed my reasoning and had recently added meth to the mix. Along with an abusive "boyfriend" if you can call it that. Really we lived together did drugs and had sex and fights. I didn't really know him as a person. But we played out a little relationship. He kicked me out when we did too many drugs and I lived on the streets and made my drugs money by shoplifting. So there I was. Sentenced to 6 months. I can't remember the amount of days now. LOOONG time to go without drugs. I was worried about number one.
Thankfully the jail that I was sentenced to do my time to had an intensive 30 days program from drug and alcohol dependent people. OUT program. I did it. 6 times. I needed it all 6 times. I shared my story already in this thread. I got out got my s*** back togeather. I'm here. I am grateful that I don't have to be that today.
111 Days ago I started back to AA. To quit smoking. I in turn quit drinking. I never drank alot.. it isn't my thing. It is however, and intense process to work these twelve steps. I am getting to know myself. I am excited to see what happens next. Maybe just maybe there will be a next phase to the development of Jane. Perhaps this another beginging of a new and better journey.
I know that when I quit doing drugs my life improved so much, I hardley recognize myself now. I really have my s*** togeather. I have a great job where they trust and depend on me. I have been able to provide for and take care of my kids, and pretty well I might add. I pay my bills on time, carry insurance, have savings. I am a dependable responsible caring and loving mom. I would never have believed this transformation could have happened to me. Can't wait to see what happens now.
Thanks for sharing my journey.
|Posted by: justjane July 13, 2012, 12:02 PM|
|Here again. 8 years this time! This year the whole drug free thing looks a little different. Today with the help of a 12 step program in my area I am 100% sober. Just for today I have stopped drinking & smoking as well. I am still overwhelming pleased about this birthday being drug free. My life has changed significantly because of it. The true change has been on my insides it has happened sometimes quickly, and sometimes slowly over this last year. When I quit drugs, life became allot simpler. When I quit smoking and drinking as well I found a true inner peace. As I have also introduced service & God into my life, it truly reveals a whole new dimension. 8 years is a long time. The fact that I have been able to work some form of recovery into my life over those years is a miracle. It has kept me sane (for the most part) and gives a meaning to my life. I have the tools to live life better today. Thanks to the grace of God & the service of my lovely sponsor. Who lives on The Addiction Recovery Guide Board. Her service of giving her time to guide & teach me a better way has given me so much. (Thanks Stacey) The only way to repay that debt is to pay it forward by both staying sober and passing on the message to those who still suffer. I hope to be half the example I have been shown.
If I can do it you can do it. I came from a life of jails, institutions, and living dead. Still after all these years, I only have to not use/drink/smoke just today. That has made all the difference. This board & the people on it I have grown to love over the years. It has been a key part of my recovery. It kept me because there were no hard & fast rules on how to get sober or stay sober. The people here cared & reached out. The help is real, the people are real. I know for certain I would not have found recovery without it. Stay, post, learn.
Much love and respect,
|Posted by: justjane July 31, 2013, 10:33 AM|
|9 years DRUG FREE !! Oops! I forgot to post. I promised myself I wouldn't forget this date and this year I did. I could never have gotten where I am today without this site helping me to stay drug free one day at a time. Back in the day I would come here every minute of each day to talk to others in recovery and learn about my disease. The people on this site were always there for me. Then 2 years ago I also started going to AA meetings. I got a whole new level of sobriety. I'm proud to say after 25 years of smoking I quit cold turkey and after a couple of attempts I am now 19 months completely clean no smokes no alcohol. God bless the people that came before me both on this site and in my face to face recovery. I am a grateful woman in recovery and always more will be revealed. I am blessed with so much more than I ever thought possible. It started right here... all those years ago. I've made friends here that I ended up meeting in "real life" True friends that are still here with me today. God bless you if your reading this. If I can do it you certainly can. I came here with nothing and today by the grace of God I have God & other recovering people in my life. Keep coming back there is no wrong way to get sober. I know you even if I don't know you. I was you. Love & Much Respect ~Jane|
|Posted by: justjane July 16, 2014, 12:37 PM|
|I did it! Ten fricken years... That is a miracle. I lost my sister a week ago. In our sickness and addiction, we always said when we got old we would just sit around and toss back pain pills till we died. It was our pact. She accidentally overdosed June 27, 2014. In my sobriety, I have been able to show up for her kids, my mom & dad, my own kids, and for her. I'm still getting used to the idea she isn't on this earth any more. During the whole thing I have never felt closer to my HP and I've been so blessed. She died a week before I planned to marry my long time boyfriend. It hurt but life goes on its magic & tragic way so I got married on July 7th. It was a fairy tale wedding and my now husband is showing me how to love someone through pain. This is new to me. Until now I've only known how to numb the pain and run. I've learned a lot on this board and in the rooms. I've been blessed with true friends and learned how to be one. I'm grateful for this site, without it I am almost positive, that I wouldn't be here today. By the grace of God I am the woman that I always wanted to be. . . well... I am getting there.
Much love and respect,
Until next year....
|Posted by: justjane August 17, 2015, 4:08 PM|
|Eleven big onees. I dont know how I let it slip my mind. Still here, still in recovery. I'm loving life. My life is so much bigger and so much better than I ever imagined when I stumbled on this sight so long ago. I've made life long friends here. I love knowing that just by staying sober one day at a time. I give someone else the chance to believe in something bigger too. God bless my friends on this board who kept me alive in the early years. Peace.
Much love & respect,
|Posted by: justjane July 15, 2016, 5:36 PM|
|12 ?! So I was sitting in a noon meeting of AA and I remembered this board and my drug fre date 7/13/2004 ..someone shared something about not forgetting what it was like. I wanted so much to be clean and sober and still use. It made me laugh it was one of Cowgirls sayings "You can't quit using until you quit" it makes sense to me. You know I come from a place that I could pop a pill and fantasize about all sorts of things. I would pop a pill then think I'll quit after this; pill, day, month, year. I could pretend that I would and that went on for years. I used until I absolutely couldn't use any more. I literally walked away from everything I loved in pursuit of that fantasy. The one that I could use and still have everything in my life. Today I know I can have one or the other. For me if I use I forfeit the life I want. The two can't coexist. I also love the life I have today. It's all started here. I haves made good friends and good choices and my life is a lot different today. The people here encouraged me to get into action and do some gin for my recovery. I did and I have never regretted it. If your here keep coming back. I don't come here as much as I used to for me seeking face to face recovery changed my whole life. For the better. Thanks to the patience and love of the friends I made here. God bless you'all. Reach out keep trying recovery and life is waiting ~ 12 f***ing years man! Who would have thought from a old druggie like me. . Z|
|Posted by: justjane July 13, 2017, 10:11 AM|
Today is 13 years clean off drugs the 13th. Today I also am mailing in my criminal record expungement records. I am finally elligable to get all charges off my record. I didn't know my life was going to be ok. I didn't know things would turn out ok. I still dont, but I have a chance today. Because I made a choice to make a change. One day at a time I choose to live differently. Through this board and the help of people on here, I have been able to find face to face recovery and a life that is more manageable today. Start where you are do what you can with what you have. There is no one way to find recovery. This is a great place to start.
I thank God and the people he has put in my path every day for the recovery I have found. It really is the easier softer way.
Much Love & Respect
|Posted by: justjane July 25, 2018, 10:36 PM|
|So Iâ€™m late again. Iâ€™m here though! Itâ€™s been 14 years. Crazy ! Just plain crazy, I would have never thought I would have stayed with this or in recovery this long. Itâ€™s become a way of life for me. I donâ€™t go around announcing my recovery to everyone. I practice it though daily and I live a principled life today. Itâ€™s a life I wouldnâ€™t and couldnâ€™t have imagiyfor myself. I just filed my expungement for all my crimes and stuff. I probs could have done it earlier but Iâ€™m doing it now and itâ€™s imprtant to me that I do it. I feel like Iâ€™ve come full circle so to speak. I take recovery meetings to the jail every month. Iâ€™m not perfect or even close but I donâ€™t use or drink and as a result of working a program I donâ€™t want to today. Iâ€™m happy and comfortable in my skin.doesnt mean life is easy it means I donâ€™t run from life today. I just suit up and show up and do the best I can. I hope I post here tell I have 20 years sober. But I wonâ€™t worry about that.. Iâ€™ll just do today . Love this place and the people Iâ€™ve met a long the way. God bless
Much love & respect,
|Posted by: justjane August 28, 2019, 1:07 PM|
|15 years drug free. almost 8 drug & alcohol free. 07/13 /04 is my drug free date. 12/06/11 is my alchol free date. I am a month late. I am still here. Forever blessed that I found this website and its people. It led me to the rooms and to some actual recovery. The kind that makes me 3 dimensional and adds depth and weight. This year has been a little tough. I have been through changes and maybe some growth. I know I am growing because I am uncomfortable. Kinda like growing pains maybe. Life is life and nothing goes as planned. I am grateful for a power greater than me that some how keeps me grounded in hard times. Even in rough times this is the softer way. I can't imagine life without my recovery community. I include this website as I met some real friends here that made it all possible.
Much love & respect,