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Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: April 29, 2019, 8:28 AM
I would think by losing everything it would be a turning point for them to initiate change. However, if they blame others, be rude, intimidate, all the old behaviors that used to work for them suddenly don't work anymore, then there they are. Alone with themself to see the raw reality of what their life has become at their own doing. They would realize they could start over with their own abilities it would be one step at a time. I'm not sure if everyone is capable of this but the alternative is more of the same....for everyone.
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Posts: 384
Joined: October 25, 2016
Posted: April 29, 2019, 9:04 AM
NYTF - Truth is once they get on that road and start hanging out with those types of people it is hard to change their direction. I think sometimes by helping them we are only postponing the inevitable, draining our bank account and using up our mental resources. I found that at some point it becomes kind of like trying to pull a heavy rock uphill. It is exhausting! He would have done the same living with friends or living in your house. Don’t blame yourself. Rehab will not work if he doesn’t want change. It is not easy to detach but sometimes you have to protect yourself and let them go.
MTNMOM - You might need to change your phone number if you get tired of his calls. I think once the district attorney decides someone has committed a crime the charges can’t be dropped. Sounds like your son may get jail time. I can’t imagine they will be letting him out anytime soon. His bail is too high so no one will bail him out. This post has been edited by BugginMe on April 29, 2019, 9:05 AM -------------------- BUGS | ||
Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: April 29, 2019, 9:18 PM
Bugging me, we are considering changing our numbers, we ALREADY moved out of state! He had his arraignment today, they only filed ONE MISDEMEANOR charge of contempt of court order. Bail was reduced to $25,000. He plead not guilty so he'll still be cooling his jets until the next date. I'm sure the calls will continue but we won't accept them.
I think it is because he's never laid a hand on her, he just harasses the hell out of everyone. But she told me he has taken several of her things from the house - a cowboy hat, a sweater & stole something from her mail box... | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: April 29, 2019, 9:48 PM
Hello everyone, thank you for your comments. btw - we will not spend 13,000 on one month of rehab. It is a really good program. after one month he would stay there, get a job, and live in their sober living apartments and pay rent. ….. if it was a sure thing we would do it. We did it once it lasted 5 months before he relapsed. that was about 3 yrs ago.
We are hoping the hospital places him in treatment somewhere. I think they were trying to get us to take him first, they have not talked about further placement. maybe they wont talk to us now that we said we wont take him back. it is sad to think the medical system turns him into a disabled person and then sends him to a shelter. idk thank you for all sharing. it helps to bounce things around and hear other similar situations. Our only action is to stay tough. My husband said we should treat him like we treat our other kids. give them no money and visit when able to. (LOL - we will tell him that) | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: May 9, 2019, 7:52 PM
I wanted to get some thoughts out without hyjacking some else’s post.
Recently my son started going to methodone clinic. We had kicked him out March 1st by the end of the month he wrecked his (our) junk car, on our insurance. We are firm on not supplying car or insurance ever again. And he lost job. Minimal amount of clothes. Was squatting with others at a rental apartment. Begin of April he started methodone, next week husband took him to hospital. Admitted to psyc where they gave more meds for a week, then to rehab at hospital where they kept him on methodone and added more meds. Apparently they do not automatically detox. Half of this is his fault bc he did not want to detox and did not like any treatment plans they suggested to him. I blame the meds he is on. I spoke to a person at the hospital who worked his case last year. She said he is not the smiling person he was a year ago. How do they think it is ok to medicate someone and they expect them to make a good decision about their treatment plan. Let’s ask the over medicated addict who has been asleep for a year what he wants to do. If he had any good ideas he would not be in the hospital, I do think the hospital failed to convince him that he had better options. The hospital basically fed him for 3 weeks and kept him medicated. Same as the street. He left hospital on Tuesday. Contacted husband who said he can’t come to our house and to go back to hospital. Later that day I checked his email accnt and saw receipt for cvs. He purchased 5 rx. It does not list them. We just have to wait. I am afraid every day. Afraid to see him, afraid to not see him. Buggs - I now know the pain u feel. Awful knowing how your son is living, and knowing you can’t help. And knowing that they know, yet they can’t change it. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on May 9, 2019, 7:55 PM | ||
Posts: 15
Joined: February 7, 2019
Posted: May 10, 2019, 7:24 PM
nytoflorida-i know what you mean about an addict being overmedicated. my noah was released after a 72 hour hold for suicidal ideation last december. he was so medicated at discharge that he could barely stand. yet somehow, the hospital thought he could manage safely and rationally out in the real world! it’s enough to make you sick.
i am hoping your son will find his way to a rehab place where he will do the hard work and he will be helped! | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: May 23, 2019, 10:06 PM
I will try to keep this short. Haha. My son left hospital on May 7. By the weekend was at a friends house. Someone who is clean atm, who was willing to help. I only talked to him for a few minutes on mother’s day. On thurs. 16th he called me said he tried to go to hospital, they would not admit him and told him to go to a stablization center and come back next day. (Apparently he still had meds he filled a week before and was ‘impared’ So they won’t admit him until he is in withdrawal. Bc of unpredictability of behavoir) but he does not tell me whole truth. Later he said stabilization center told him to leave. I don’t really know if he went there. At 11 am he told me he tried to go to hospital, at 6pm he called from jail. He was caught shoplifting. Petit larceny. And called at 9pm for us to bail him out. We said no. I said If I bail u out then where would u go? He said home w us and we could talk about it. I said No. his bail was $250, he told me bail was $25. The bond was $25. I would have gone there at 10/at night and gotten blindsided by the mess. (No thank you!) we found out he called several friends, no one will bail him out.
We spoke to one of the friends who said not to bail him out. Our daughters say not to bail him. We don’t want to bail him. My husband tried to visit him 3 times and each time the jail messed up and my husband did not get a time slot and told to come back. Even though he was first one there and waited an hour... ooops, sorry, come back later or tomorrow. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on May 23, 2019, 10:15 PM | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: May 23, 2019, 10:31 PM
After a few days a lawyer called us. He spoke to our son, he is willing to go to a long term treatment center. Said the court will look into it. We don’t have to do anything. He will have one yr probation and go to jail if he breaks probation rules. The lawyer said let him stay in jail until they place him somewhere. (Thank you)
My son has been trying to call me. I will not answer when I am at work. And really don’t want to talk to him. There’s nothing to say. He had not been honest about anything in a long time. I don’t want to be harassed about bailing him out. Hasn’t said he’s sorry about anything. All he had to do was go to the hospital sober or go to stabilization center and wait it out. He didn’t want to be sober then, no knowing if he wants to be now.... I feel a little bit sad for him. There’s nothing I can do. And nothing I want to do. It’s out of our hands. We have tried for the past two years (plus 5). He had not embraced anything that would be good for him. It has all been offered. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on May 23, 2019, 10:31 PM | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: May 23, 2019, 10:33 PM
I know once he gets to a treatment center he will be calling no for $$. Cigs, a cab, a haircut, shoes.... the answer will be no. Been there done that...
Ps he said he stole a bag of chips.we don’t know what it was. He had a large duffle bag packed to go to hospital, planning to go to treatment center from there. He said he was carrying that around, zippers are breaking... I wonder where it is now... I can’t tell you how many years he has been left with only a duffle bag of clothes. Saying that he doesn’t want to live this way. And he still doesn’t ‘get it’. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on May 23, 2019, 10:42 PM | ||
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Posts: 341
Joined: December 23, 2018
Posted: May 23, 2019, 10:50 PM
NY2FL - you are doing the right thing, if not for HIM, it is for you! I'm also walking in your shoes (as you know). He's in jail - he has a roof, food & bed. Court will order him into treatment & he'll be the court's problem to monitor. Drug Court or court orders have helped lots of people - hopefully son will get the treatment/diagnosis/etc that he so desperately needs.
I was trying to find reference materials for parents of dual diagnosis adult children, my son is a narcissistic meth addict. I remember when I first posted here, I talked about his arrogance with his addiction & at that time I didn't realize that is a classic Narcissist personality trait. But he also has generalized anxiety disorder & depression + addiction.... Hang in there.... you are doing what is right | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: May 25, 2019, 11:40 AM
I talked to my son. He sounded good. He said he stole a bag of chips. The store owner tackled him and call police. He is being kept bc of the previous charge that was still open. He is talking lawyer about wrapping up the charges and either doing the time or going to rehab.
He told me he left his large bag full of clothes outside the hospital when he walked to deli. 10 days later he tells me. 50/50 % chance that I will find it.... I forgot to ask him exactly where on the hospital grounds... I called hospital lost and found and police station. Left messages. It’s only clothes, toiletries, hair clippers... he packed in order to go away to rehab... . can be replaced, but really... geeze.... enough already..... I have paid for everything in the bag and will have to pay again to fit him w a new wardrobe.... I wish I could make a go fund me page.... yes I will go to good will stores... etc.. For now I am away for the weekend. Im thinking I should start purchasing before he gets out. Otherwise it will be an emergency ‘hey they’re transporting me today I need clothes!’ That’s me - planning ahead! - I will plan for the worst, hope for finding the bag, me planning ahead will save me grief in the long run... guess I know what I’m doing next week - hunting and gathering. I will go thru his sisters closets to see if they have any old large unisex clothing... sweat shirts, pants.... He could have told me where his bag was on the day he got arrested instead of asking me for bail. And then spent days detoxing. And I didn’t answer my phone for the past week... guess I would have found out sooner if I answered. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on May 25, 2019, 11:54 AM | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: May 25, 2019, 12:27 PM
Whew - got a call from hospital. His bag is there, someone had brought it in. !!!
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Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: May 25, 2019, 1:32 PM
Yay!!! Good news!
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: June 18, 2019, 10:33 PM
my son is in jail for minor offense and I am still accepting collect calls, once a week. then he started calling more often and talking about coming home bc they won't let him out bc he is homeless. we have told him no. and I am not taking more than one call a week at $15 per call so I can be yelled at that it is our fault he is there. I also put $ on his Commissary account. It is still costing me $. he has said he appreciates it, and then calls to harass us about being able to live at home 'for a few months' to get on his feet. 'all he needs is a car and a job'
I told him he has had those things and we paid insurance and he didn't 'get on his feet'. when he realized No, means NO, he hung up on me. and then called back 2 hours later. I didn't answer. I just want to walk way from it. We know that he is probably realizing if he stays in jail for 6 months he will miss the whole summer. He has been offered sober living type options at the hospital and by us, but I think he does not want to do that. which means he does not want to live with rules or give up his freedom, or take responsibility for making decisions for his own good. I think he is just seeing that he wants to get out, live at mom and dads house only for the free rent, food, and car - just like it has been. I think he cant believe that we are not going to 'get him back on his feet'. we just cant. too much has happened. we can forgive, but we cant forget the 6 months of hell between last October and this march. If I had to leave my house bc of him, there is no way I can live one day at home with him. He thinks his problems are all dad's fault. yet he wants to live here??? !!! I am hoping his behavior is part of being only one month sober. I even wonder if he remembers anything from the past year. Its sad. I feel like his brain is so dumbed down, that he will be unemployable. but that is for him to figure out.... thanks for listening. no response necessary, unless you really want to. Hope you are all so quiet bc you are busy doing summer stuff!! We are going on a short trip for a few days and our daughters are visiting in a few weeks. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on June 18, 2019, 10:44 PM | ||
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Posts: 478
Joined: November 9, 2018
Posted: June 18, 2019, 11:26 PM
NTF I totally get where you are coming from. They want their cake and eat it too (old expression) however life doesn't work that way....especially after reaching adulthood. My thoughts are with my daughter...if you want your problems to go away and all the chaos then get off drugs and do whatever it takes to do it. Drugs are the common denominator in ALL her problems and issues. My hope is she gets so sick of all the misery she's in and will start fresh at getting well. I tell her it's never to late to start over. I pray she does. Hope your son will get the help he needs too. I hope all our kids do.
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: June 21, 2019, 7:33 PM
SA - he wants his cake and our cake and any spare cake anyone has to offer, lol.
We are visiting daughter. Son has called her. She is 6 yrs younger, they get along well. Our son and 2nd child, daughter are 4 yrs apart. They are too opposites in opinions. Don’t get along. Although when sober they do get along fine. He lived w her for 4 months between relapses once. On Monday my son called me asking if he can come home after jail. We said no. He hung up on me. He talked to his sister on next day. Had a trial at jail. He will be staying in until aug. and the cases will be settled and closed. No probation. He also wants puzzle books to do. the first week he was jail he was in solitary until they figure out if your a danger. , he read newspapers. Last week we got a letter from him - trying to convince us to help him until he gets on his feet. ( I joked that he learned to read and write while in jail!) This week he’s asking for books and puzzles. He has never been interested in books or puzzles before. He had gotten a book to study for a CDL truck driving license, sometime last year, never opened it. This is the perfect time for him to concentrate. He moved from solitary to general population, and now I think he is in a different group that has program with meetings. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on June 21, 2019, 7:35 PM | ||
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: June 21, 2019, 7:37 PM
He still will not admit that anything is his fault, but our daughter said that he did say things that implied that he knows he was not making good decisions, or life was out of control. More and more my husband and I see that the best and only thing for us to do is let son dig out on his own.
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Posted: June 21, 2019, 8:37 PM
That's tough, NY. Sounds just like my son. I am not sure if your son is like this---but they are different around other people. He probably realizes he is not correct, but just trying to get his way by making you feel guilty. Anyway, thinking of you. Enjoy your time with your daughters!
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: June 22, 2019, 12:31 AM
Hi Parenting, YES it seems he does that. I have noticed it. Like he told a hospital councilor that we pressure him and expect too much and it’s stressful.... but does not tell the details. Tells about the moments dad calls him on the phone screaming about something that seems minor to anyone who is not dealing with addiction behavior. They agree w son that dad is over the top negative. Maybe an example is when dad call him many times at work to confirm he would go to get tires on car after work. The part he does not tell is that the tires were bald and son should have been saving to put tires on it. And dad had been asking him to get tires for weeks and we were getting a snow storm the next day. And son was ignoring the issue and not confirming he would go to get tires until dad was screaming.. then son acts like “what’s the big deal”.
In his letter to us he states none of this is bc of drugs. He’s just in wrong place at the wrong time. The realization also made me more confident that son is capable of being independent. It also makes me sad because my son is undermining us and taking advantage in a way that a con man would. I just don’t want to be around it or part of it. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on June 22, 2019, 12:40 AM | ||
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Posted: June 30, 2019, 10:18 PM
Yes, I have had many conversations about things that are directly attributed to heavy marijuana use with my son, but it is never that. He knows all about the drug and it cannot cause any of the issues he is having. He is getting better and more mature. I am trying to stay out of it, because really we are like oil and water. I have been the one in the thick of this from day one-paying for doctors, taking off work, going to visit at jail, listening to him when he is upset. Yet, his new thing to throw at me is that his dad understands him. (eye roll). Anyway, I am thankful that he seems to be improving and I am ready for him to grow up. I love him to pieces and am so glad to see him at times, but this whole roller coaster has been hard on me. I am ready for him to sprout some wings. (sigh). Love is hard.
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