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Message Board > Families / Partners of Addicts > Here We Go Again


Posted by: beachluvr January 15, 2020, 8:05 PM
I'll try and make this is as short as I can. So we have been through seven years of heroine addiction by daughter and her ex. She has two kids with the ex we fought for 7 years to get her away from. He is in jail currently, third round. In sept we took her to detox and took care of the kids for the 30 days. they are 6 and 17 months. I have custody of the 6 year old. since Oct, she was with the ex for a few weeks. Then with some guy from out of state for a while, which we fought about me not letting her take the kids to see some guy she only knew online. In Nov she met a new guy. Mr in-state. They got engaged in Dec (4 weeks later) and now want to get married. In the same conversation today she asked to use one of our cars and informed me they plan to get married at the court house soon. He has 16 arrests in the last 3 years, 11 traffic (some for using aliases) one drugs, two stealing/mischief, and 1 food stamp fraud. The records list 4 alias's for him, so lots of red flags. Since Mr. In-state she has basically thrown everything to the wind. Caused nothing but chaos so she would have an excuse to abandon the 6 year old and move in with Mr. in-state (but she still needs our free car). She has separated the boys because I won't let 6 year old change schools before the end of the school year (don't want him to change, things fall apart, and have to change back). Now they want to get married at the court house right away. Are we surprised, no. We could see it coming a mile away. My question though, do we go the wedding? Don't think I can go and show any kind of support. Not wishing them any ill will on one hand. On the other hand, can't help but feel like I am just going to watch another train wreck. Can't see attending going well or really doing anything but causing tension for everyone, including the kids. Would you go?

Posted by: Jupiter2 January 16, 2020, 1:17 AM
As painful as it might be, I would stay home. If you aren't genuinely happy, why go and pretend the elephant is not in the room?

Disengaging with love depends a lot on your being able to (and willing to) act authentically. Pretending you are not in the cycle, as you cycle through it once again, is not helping anyone, including yourself. And, it may encourage your daughter to convince herself that this time things are different.

My daughter can read me as well as I can read myself.. any inkling of disappointment/anger on may part (and there is a lot) leads to her speech about how I'm not being the type of mother she needs and deserves. If your d is like my d, going may just lead to more drama.

Those poor children, thank goodness they have you.

Posted by: beachluvr January 16, 2020, 3:50 AM
Thank you. Tha'ts exactly how I feel but I am worried if we don't go it's like giving him ammunition to alienate the kids from us. G, the younger one, is with them and I can see it coming. Next Mr. istate is going to want to adopt them. He was calling them "my boys" less than two weeks in. We have pretty much raised the 6 year old "P". G lived with us until two weeks ago. Kicking myself for not getting custody when she was in rehab. I was trying to show her that we didn't just want custody. I didn't listen to my instincts, Now the boys are separated and I have been letting "P" go there on weekends only because he misses his brother so much. At this point considering going for "grandparents" rights and court ordered visits for the two. Not sure how we are going to go but starting to feel like we are going to have to keep peace for the boys. It's like watching the train coming and there's is nothing we can do to get her or the kids out of the way. Plus, not sure how much more my husband and I can withstand and still stay intact. At this point just trying to keep what's left of my family, my marriage, our health and my other daughter's life from imploding. The addiction, impulsiveness, and constant self destructive decisions have taken over everyone's life. That I know of she hasn't been using but seems like he is her new drug and he knows it.

Posted by: Jupiter2 January 16, 2020, 10:48 PM
You can't make decisions based on what someone thinking irrationally may do to twist the outcome. If he wants to alienate you from the children, anything can be used (including lies). I say be the beacon in the storm for the children. And be honest in your actions, don't make decisions based on fear.. that's just playing the game.

Posted by: mtnmom January 17, 2020, 10:04 PM
Awww Beachluvr, your poor babies! It is so much harder when little ones are involved. You don't need to fight with your daughter but you need to be the babies' solid rock. Stay silent UNLESS you think the baby is in jeopardy, then you need to get CPS or law enforcement involved. Try to have the 17 month old to come to YOUR house, I'm sure they will welcome a child free weekend. Be their solid ground. He will not adopt the kids, it's all talk to get you fired up. They will self destruct & I wouldn't go to the wedding either. But keep the lines of communication open with the kids. document, document, document - you may HAVE to go to court to get custody of the little one too.

Posted by: beachluvr January 18, 2020, 11:32 PM
Thanks. I appreciate the kind words. Latest update, she is pregnant again. At least we are pretty sure. Their FB posts seem to indicate so. She denied it but not too hard and pretty much said but if it happens, it happens. I am guessing she is going to come back later and tell us she is pregnant but wasn't when I asked. She admitted to going off birth control. We saw a lawyer this morning. Going to go for visitation under PA Grandparents rights laws for the 17th month old. That will give us some standing if things blow up again. The lawyer relieved our fears about adoption, said that won't happen. Also the courts will require quite some effort for her get custody of "P" back after 4 years. So at this point we are going to get the court ordered visitation to ensure the boys can't be completely separated. She will probably abandon "P" once she realizes getting custody will take effort. Other than that, we are going to try and communicate about the kids but not much else. We are probably better off not knowing anything not pertinent to the kids. We need to get some sanity back and stop letting all the insanity take over our lives, especially take away from her sister's college graduation and most likely engagement to the guy she has been with for 7 years. There's just no more we can do until she is ready and we have to accept that she may never be. I am heartbroken and barely sleeping but thankful DH and I are at least on the same page and hopefully things will get better for us.

Posted by: Parenting2 January 19, 2020, 12:43 PM
Beachluvr, So glad to hear you have legal representation.

Wow, reading your post...addiction is truly CHAOS. and, children are the innocents caught up in it.

I think there is no right or wrong decision as far as going to the wedding. I doubt I could go after ALL that has gone on. But, if you feel a reason related to the grandkids, I don't see it as a bad thing to go.

I'm really sorry you are in this situation. I can relate to the addiction swallowing everything-the whole family. When my son went off the rails, we had just had some really good news as a family and were all happy. I remember the weeks that everything collapsed. his addiction ruined our lives for awhile. I had to draw the line and pick up the pieces. I could not save him from where he was heading.

He is doing a little better life-activities wise. But, he is not the same person. And, my feelings for him are not there anymore. He has been horribly abusive and nasty.

Anyway, wishing you the very best and glad to hear you have rights to those kids. They need you. I hope the legal system can see that.

Posted by: beachluvr January 30, 2020, 8:05 PM
So the wedding is tomorrow and we aren't going but all I can do is cry. I'm afraid if I go I'm going to cry through it. At this point, I'm not going so I don't ruin the day for everyone. I'm not sending the older child either. Of course she thinks it is to punish her but he is having a hard enough time understanding where his mother is. He will see her on the weekend. In the meantime, I'm working on the visitation papers knowing the new "stepfather" is going to freak out when they get them and that is going to end my relationship with my daughter, at least for a while. We have to choose now whether to go through with the legal stuff. We can't wait and do it later. I'm trying my best to convince myself to go but I'm terrified I'll just break down into a ball of tears. Her sister can't miss her college stuff to go. Wish she could have just given us a little time. We probably still wouldn't have been thrilled but we would have at least done our best. We have begged the new son in law to come talk to her father for the last three weeks hoping some good would come of it. He kept promising her he would then didn't and now we are being given the guilt trip because his family that was estranged until recently is all there celebrating and we aren't going. Through all of the 7 years, the two pregnancies, the jail, the rehab, the stealing, the lying, this is harder than any of it. I have no idea what to do at this point.

Posted by: #momfail January 31, 2020, 12:04 AM
Big, big hugs for you Beachluvr. . I have no advice. Just wanted you to know you're in my thoughts. xo

Posted by: Sallyana January 31, 2020, 12:26 AM
Hugs from me too...you are awesome to to take care of her children as you have and are actively doing. As far as your daughter goes, she's grown and if she wants to live crazy that's her free will to do so. You don't have to participate in any of her crazy. It will only continue to bring you and your other family members down. She's a mess as you well know and it's not your job to fix her. Take good care of yourself. Put the energy you spend on her on yourself. I'm sorry you are going through all this.

Posted by: Jupiter2 January 31, 2020, 9:11 AM
It's hard to step off the merry-go-round, especially while it's still in motion. Good for you.. my thoughts are with you and your grandchild. You are doing the brave and sane thing.

Posted by: beachluvr February 1, 2020, 8:49 PM
Thanks all. The wedding happened. We didn't go. just checked my credit card statements, she stole one of our cards and rang up another $200. She has done this before to the tune of twenty to thirty thousand dollars. I am so glad I didn't go. My intuition is telling me she is using something again. The paperwork is filed for visitation with the younger one. Doing better than I thought I would. I just can't help her anymore. It's heartbreaking and sad but from here on have to do what we have to for the kids. I appreciate everyone's kind words and all the other posts. Helps not to feel completely alone.

Posted by: mtnmom February 1, 2020, 9:26 PM
Hugs from me too Beach! So sad what our children do to us.....

Posted by: Jupiter2 February 2, 2020, 1:54 AM
Oh Beachluvr, I am so sorry. What a deep cut when our children are the ones who betray us. Stay strong!

Posted by: beachluvr February 26, 2020, 8:38 AM
First I would like to thank everyone who shares here, whether it is support or just your story, it is helpful in so many ways to not feel so alone. The bad news, the chaos continues. The good news, husband and I and the kids are actually doing really well considering. G (16 mos.) fell off the table at daughter and new husband's house two weeks ago. He was sent from local hospital to children's hospital two hours away for surgery and pins in his elbow. He has a cast on his arm all the way to his shoulder. He also had quite a bit of marked bruising on his face. The doctors involved CPS, so for the time being G has been placed with us until the investigation is over. P (6 yrs) is also still with us full time. In the meantime, we filed for grandparents rights visitation with G and she filed for custody back of P. The initial hearings are scheduled. Not sure whether she plans to go forward regarding custody of P under the circumstances, so we have just decided to ride it all out and see what happens. In the mean time, she doesn't visit or call the kids much at all. She missed the first visit from the tooth fairy, G starting to walk, etc. When she does come, she never wants to stay long so tends to start fights so she has an excuse to leave. We just leave it all alone. In some ways maybe getting married was the best thing that could have happened for us. At least the chaos isn't in the house every minute we are there anymore. Taking care of the kids is going well and we are very thankful for that. At this point, we have finally realized that nothing we do or say is going to miraculously fix things. It has to come from her, so we have finally stopped trying, stop giving advice, stopped trying to fix things and it has made everyone's life much better. They both are still trying to manipulate everyone (us, CPS, etc.) but we have settled with the fact that this is not the first rodeo for us, CPS, the judge's, the caseworkers, the lawyers, etc., and just because they have themselves convinced they have everyone snowed doesn't mean they do. We are pushing on day by day concentrating our efforts on the things we can control and change and doing our best to let go of those we can't. We are sure there will be another wave of chaos at some point but in the meantime we have a lot to be thankful for too.

Posted by: Parenting2 February 26, 2020, 1:53 PM
Wow, so good to hear that you seem more peaceful. I love hearing the phrases like "riding it out", etc. It is motivating me to hear such healthy detachment in your post. Yes, my son always thinks he has everyone snowed and is controlling everything. It is so obvious what the reality is.

Peace! Keep up the great work and the great, healthy mindset. I am glad you are there for the kids.

Posted by: beachluvr February 26, 2020, 3:19 PM
Thank you. We are more peaceful. Not sure where it came from. I guess we just hit rock bottom and realized we can't force them to change, we can only change ourselves. Doesn't mean we have given up, just a new perspective. I pray every day for things to turn around for her and we will be there if and when they do. In the meantime, we can still love her even if we can't support her choices. She chooses the road she chooses. We hope and pray there is a place to turn around when she is ready and we will be here when she does.

Posted by: NyToFlorida February 26, 2020, 9:22 PM
Good news! I am glad you have both of the boys. That makes it a lot easier to sleep at night. you know they are safe. your home is the safe space for you, husband and kids. keep it that way. you have boundaries in place, don't let her wiggle back in. you mentioned your credit cards. now is a good time to check your credit reports, Experian, etc. close old cards you don't use, etc. Get new cards for anything you have open. try to clean things up so you are in better shape going forward.

Any news on the possible pregnancy?

Posted by: samegame February 27, 2020, 3:10 PM
Sorry to hear about the latest chapter in the addict's and your life.

Since lack of impulse control is a trait of many addicts the rushed marriage isn't that surprising per say. But online? That would tell me it's still all about her gratification.

I'd say focus on your grandchild for now. Don't want history to repeat or expose her.

Stay healthy.

Posted by: beachluvr April 5, 2021, 6:29 AM
I wish I could say things got better from where I left off with this post. I thought we were tired and at our wits end over a year ago when I posted this. Since then, they got married. We didn't go. She got pregnant again. Marriage ended of course. She was looking for a way out, an instant fix. I have no idea what he was trying to prove. He basically bailed on the kids and dumped her the minute things got rough and moved on with his new boyfriend. Baby girl arrived a month ago. She is beautiful. Now she and three kids are living with us in our too small house. She stole more. We pressed charges but I couldn't let her go to jail pregnant so we agreed to a plea. She stole again after that but was near her due date and I couldn't let her go to jail pregnant and have baby taken away, so didn't press charges again. We got stuck for the money for another car, more lawyer fees, etc. etc.. He made her go after full custody last summer. The courts actually gave it to her. Three nights ago she OD'd and her father literally saved her life by doing CPR for 20 minutes until the ambulance came. Thank God she came downstairs for some reason and my husband heard her fall or the 7-year old probably would have found his mother gone upstairs in her bedroom in the morning. She came home last night. Waiting to see if CYS comes to take the baby this week. They will give her to the father and there is nothing we can do about it. Won't matter he did not one thing for her during the pregnancy and hasn't seen baby since she was born. Planned a vacation next week with my sister. Sister left yesterday, we won't be going. We won't be going anywhere. We are scared to death now to leave her alone with the kids and don't know what to do. We want to go for emergency custody but are afraid if we do it will trigger having baby taken away and are afraid if we don't that she can basically take the kids any time. Have no idea what we are going to do today. Have no idea how to keep her from putting the kids in the car and taking them wherever while not risking the baby being taken away. How to protect the oldest from finding his mother dead from an overdose. If we do anything, baby will most likely go to him. If we do nothing, we may risk all of them. In the meantime, we feel like prisoners and are exhausted, distraught, and totally clueless on what to do now or how to protect the kids.

Posted by: NyToFlorida April 6, 2021, 7:15 PM
Hello beachlvr,
I wish you were retired at the beach instead of dealing with your daughter. I shed a few tears for you. It is so heartbreaking that you do so much to keep things a float, only to be taken advantage, etc. I wonder if you are angry enough to tell your daughter you have had enough. She needs to leave and you want full custody of the kids. She is not welcome in your home for at least a year and you will not being paying her bills. You and your husband need a break.

She has many options. She can choose the easy way or the hard way. Easy way - find a rehab/sober living. Hard way - go to a shelter . In both cases she should get on social services.

Contact all addiction services and ask for suggestions on where your daughter can go, etc. where it won’t cost you anything. Also try the organization called TAM (the Addict’s mom) and Smart Recovery. She might start at one place and when that program is over go to the next place.

It might take a year of sobriety before she understands that you are doing this for the good of everyone envolved. You all need a break!, when we kicked out our son 2 yrs ago, he was not happy about it. Initially he thought we should keep taking care of him because that is what families do. 7-8 years is enough! If all of your care was going to help her, it already would have.

My son had been to rehab a few times. When we kicked him out he was resistant to go to rehab. He ended up in jail for a few months. we did not bail him out and did not let him come home. There are services in jails and after rehab for homeless addicts who want to wake up each day and participate.

The hospital or jail or rehab services will ask you if you can take her back . you have to be firm and say no. When she fails or leaves one place tell her to go to another. Ultimately you want her to end up at a sober living home with a job and paying her own bills.


Hope I have not been too harsh.

Posted by: Sallyann April 7, 2021, 8:56 PM
I totally agree with NTF's post. It's filled with the truth of the situation. Your daughter has to suffer the consequences of her actions. The kids NEED to be taken away from her. She is not a fit parent. I'm sorry you are in this sad situation. It's very hard to do the right thing and IMO is necessary for everyone's well being.

Posted by: mtnmom April 9, 2021, 7:34 PM
1st - big hugs, you need it. Is there a social worker involved? She needs rehab & sober living, a lot of times the court will order it & pay for it if she has no funds but only if Children's Services is involved, NOT family court. Also, usually (I used to work in Juvenile Court) the court will APPOINT an attorney for each parent that appears & the children. Not grandparents though. Your daughter needs help desperately & can't do it herself. I personally wouldn't get CPS involved if they aren't already because they may have to remove the kids to do background checks on the kids, it's unlucky that they would give the kids to their dad with his criminal history & especially if he's currently on probation or parole, he'd have to do court ordered classes too. See if you can get a free consultation with an attorney who specializes in JUVENILE LAW, not criminal, not family law - JUVENILE LAW & find out how many cases in Juvenile (also called dependency court). Some attorneys will say they have experience but will not know anything, it is a specialized area of law. Contact the state bar's referral service.

Posted by: jeffreyrunner April 12, 2021, 10:18 AM
beachluvr,

So sorry, I just read your share.
I feel your pain with grandchildren being involved. It's unbelievable how hard it is legally to help your own grandchildren.
Stay strong and continue to be their positive influence.
Many wise words from previous post on here.

Jeff

Posted by: NyToFlorida April 16, 2021, 11:38 AM
Beachlvr - I know That putting a plan into action is harder than it sounds. The advice I give is a big picture of what you want to do and what has worked in my life. I know it takes a lot of little steps and it takes a lot of time, years, to finally see results. But all the while, you are making small steps of progress. Even though we have each other to talk to on this message board, we are all unique in our individual day to day issues w our family members. What works for one does not always work for all. I was given the advice to kick him out or cut him off years before we were able to finally do so. I was not able to abruptly cut him off without trying other options that sounded more reasonable at the time. Your situation with grandchildren is much more complicated. Keep your eye on the prize, don’t give up. And don’t give in!
Hope you are doing well!