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Posts: 5
Joined: December 14, 2017
Posted: December 14, 2017, 6:32 PM
I apologize if this is long but i'm really in a situation where I'm confused, alone and trying to be supportive. And sorry about the weird title, it's been a long day!
For the last four years I have been with a partner who has adult children from a previous relationship . Long story short, they were raised by the father (my partner) as the mother was battling a drug habit and she passed away when both kids were in their teens. Both children were living in a different city before I even came into the picture. They have suffered a lot of trauma (as a result of many different incidents) and my partner kept as much contact as they would allow, to ensure that they were ok (as can be). My partner is VERY hardworking, but hides his emotions and much like his kids, does not cope very well with stressful situations. It is rare that I can get him to open up about things, but it does occasionally happen. We have a fairly wide age gap, so sometimes life issues like this tend to impact us differently. These last 3.5 years we've lived as a family of 3 (we have a 3.5 yr old together). Things are generally busy (between work and general family things), and my partner often works long hours. The minimal contact with the kids has often turned into "I need money". My partner gets used for money for a bit and then tells them "No more" when phone calls turn into nothing else but more begging. I've kept my nose out of it because I don't know all the details of the whole situation and at the end of the day those are his children and I'm sure there's a ton of emotion at play. This past week my son and I were home alone and there was a knock at the door...I assumed because of how the person was knocking, it was my partner (if I'm home alone the deadbolt is locked so he has to knock to be let in). Well I open the door and there's a young man standing there...it didn't take me long to realize who it was (the son) and I felt a shock run through my system...I knew this would happen at some point, but I didn't think we'd be home alone and I thought we would know if the son was coming back to town. The son has a history of stealing, bad temper and drug abuse (it runs in the family), and I'd heard from local police about some of his behaviour. It made me nervous and I panicked and called his dad (my partner) to come home from work. I didn't want to be a jerk and it was cold out, so I invited him inside and told him his dad was coming. We made small talk and he was polite and respectful, but I could tell from his speech was slurred (maybe from longterm drug use????). His dad came and collected him and then when my partner got home we had a good chat about everything. He was nervous how I would handle the situation but i made sure he knew I would support him and whatever he chose to do in terms of his son (as long as it was constructive). He said he was going to take his son to one of the local recovery/rehab centres and that he had given him a little cash to get on his feet. Well, so far, he's seen his son once, to drop him off at a "friends house" (with my son in the vehicle as I was out Christmas shopping, so I didn't know the son was even around), and apparently to see his "Nana" who also happens to house my partner's nephew, who's a dealer (marijuana as far as I know). Given how busy my partner is and his avoidance of facing issues, I feel like he'll make excuses not to set something up for his son. But I feel like this has opened some wounds from the past for him and it may be a good idea for him to also seek some help. I think we as a family are going to need support. The son feels like his dad doesn't love him but that isn't true. I've never had to deal with addiction because I was pretty sheltered from it and never heard about certain family members again till they were dead (from overdose). So I'm not sure what I need to be doing but I don't want the son around my child if he's not receiving proper help, but I also don't want to make it seem like I'm trying to shut him out. I'm not 100% certain my partner will understand the seriousness and he tends to downplay things (and tell me I'm overreacting). I have zero idea where to start! The son has had a rough life, my partner feels guilt (although he really did try his best), and I would love to see the son succeed and both of them have a relationship. Im sorry for the long post, this happened very unexpectedly and I'm hoping somebody can suggest where to start, what to do and what NOT to do. This post has been edited by NorthernLilly on December 14, 2017, 6:33 PM | ||
Posts: 733
Joined: October 5, 2015
Posted: December 14, 2017, 11:51 PM
Hi Lilly, First thing I would say is don't give him money!! If he is a drug addict then anything you give him is going to go to get drugs. He might tell you differently but chances are he's lying. I don't blame you not wanting him around your child, I'd be the same. I would put away any valuables and medicines because if it's something he can use he'll take it. I'm guessing he's an opiate user?? Do you think your partner has any idea of what he's let himself in for? It would be a good idea if you and him found outside help to deal with this. There will be group meetings in your area Al-anon or Nar-anon are a couple. But this is going to be a very hard road your about to be on. Read other postings on here as they will help you understand better as to what your up against. Take care. Mary.
This post has been edited by Mandm on December 14, 2017, 11:53 PM | ||
Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: December 15, 2017, 12:23 AM
Hi NL - see if you can find the following past posts by typing the titles in the search box at the bottom of this page.
Ways Family Members can Help What Not to do Let me fall all by myself Will you learn to say No | ||
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Posts: 5
Joined: December 14, 2017
Posted: December 22, 2017, 4:20 PM
Thanks you for the information and suggestions! I did read over the "what not to do" article, that was a big help for sure. I guessed on the "not giving money", as I've heard that before (and it makes sense when you think about it), but when it came to Christmas, I purchased some clothing for his son (I didnt want him to go with nothing, and my partner NEVER gets around to do any christmas shopping), but when he talked to his son, his son wanted a one-way ticket to Vancouver, which is known for its issues with drug use...I brought that up with my partner and he said that his son made the comment "well drugs are everywhere". I think its..rude that his son shows up, takes money, takes food and rides and after talking about getting into a program, decides that well I want a ticket to go somewhere else. I feel like its another form of enabling to give him this ticket to go live with "friends" far, far away from here, where the cycle is just going to start again. He has no job, limited funds (benefits I'm assuming?) and whenever help and support is offered he asks his dad for a ticket to go away from all that. We can't and wont attempt to force any rehab, but it angers me that my partner keeps paying to support a 25 year old adult who seems to never take any help. Within the last week my partner attempted to go into counselling with him, but when he refused my partner made the excuse "Well he's just young and stubborn". I doubt he'll get the son to agree to anything but is there anything we can do for us so that we can handle these situations better?
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Posts: 1764
Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: December 22, 2017, 10:30 PM
Hi NL - I will try to advise even though my husband and I have been great enablers for many years.unfortunatly we think we are helping, but our help, helps to keep him doing the same thing and not growing up. no matter how little we help, he does not change. he keeps saying he is trying, and maybe there is a little improvement.... idk
there is some sort of mental illness portion of this disease. where the average person would say - I need a car and to pay insurance, and I need a job to do that,and I want to pay my bills so I don't loose the car. our son does not think that way or does not want to think that way. if living in our house is so uncomfortable, the average 28 yr old would just save their $ and move out. our son does not have that 'click' in his brain. everything is bad luck, and "he is struggling" but he does not see that his struggles are his own making. maybe he does see it, but he will not admit it. our son has been to rehab twice in the last two years, and sober living and on his own. but has not become independent. my husband also works a lot and is not emotional, he gets angry pretty quickly. our son uses this against us - how 'stressful' dad makes him feel, he cant talk to us, etc. our son always worked long hours and labor jobs. but never had enough $ from one check to the next, and did not appear to buy material things with it. we know it is going for something on the street. in the past few months I found a local government/county addiction recovery organization that treats the addict and family. they have many programs to offer the addict. I started going to a therapist for myself. I want to learn more about the disease of addiction - from the experts - so I can steer this family boat in the right direction. I have determined my husband and son need counseling the most, but I am so far the only one going. your husband's idea of counseling w his son is a good one. currently, I am trying to leverage recovery w us 'helping' him... I have been asking our son to go to the recovery center for counseling. for a month now, he says yes but has not done so. because of the holidays I have not given an ultimatum. and he just got new job so that will be an excuse that he cant make appointments (sigh) (my husband thinks that if he(son) is working, he's OK. I have recently determined that he (son) needs to heal something deeper, otherwise this cycle will keep going and he will keep self medicating and never be the happy or content person he wants to be) I feel my son is close to wanting recovery and being honest with us, but I fear he is just saying what we want to hear so we get thru the holidays and give him $ to "help him out until he gets his first pay check" The result I will try to get to after the holidays is: Be in recovery - seeing dr's and counselors at the center and eventually family counseling, or he can not live at home. My advice to you- do not let the son get too close, once he is under your roof or getting more and more from you/your husband, he will keep taking and it will be harder to detach. be the meanie - you will be better off - don't get sucked in. if you think your husband is giving too much $ - ask him to limit it. find a therapist or counseling and NarAnon or AlAnon meetings - both of you need to learn what not to do - and to hear stories of other people. Keep reading and doing internet searches to learn more. SmartRecovery.org has a lot of information and resources for families. Reading is good, but talking to someone in person is better. If you don't like the first meeting you go to, go to others until you find one you like. my husband and I went to naranon a few years ago. it did help us to be united in our problem solving. we would drive there talking about our problem of the week, and we would drive home talking about our plan of how we were going to handle the next week. Your role in this can be as little or as much as you want. You are kind of lucky you have not been part of the drama. It is easier to keep it that way. On the other hand, it is smart of you to want to help your husband get thru this in the best way possible, because what affects him, affects you too. If you find therapist/counseling - be sure they specialize in addiction recovery. my mistake was that I asked my son to see a dr or therapist - but I did not find a specific one and he chose someone who is just handing out meds, and I do not think my son told them about his addiction. Now I am trying to get him to change dr's. Good Luck! and Happy Holidays! This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on December 22, 2017, 10:46 PM | ||
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Posted: December 22, 2017, 11:57 PM
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Posts: 5
Joined: December 14, 2017
Posted: February 6, 2018, 3:05 PM
I really appreciate the responses I received. For awhile it helped me get a better grasp on the situation...However. A couple weeks after I posted, he took his son out to go pick up some groceries or something, and I received a text from my partner asking me to look-up the price of a bus ticket to Vancouver. I thought we had gone over this, but I guess his son saying "Well drugs are everywhere, dad", changed any logic that had been put on the table. I was PISSED. I work fulltime, but at a entry level job because of the flexibility of the scheduling, because I do 95% of the childcare so my partner can work whenever he's needed, and I don't make a lot. So he bought his son a $400 ticket to go hang out with friends and do drugs in another province. Meanwhile I'm in debt from school, paying for childcare (easily a $600-700/month bill), groceries, basically everything but the mortgage, and utilities. My point being, I work hard for my money and when my partner is giving him the $400, I have to compensate for our 3.5year olds needs, because the 3.5 year old can't work. So that $400 would have helped with clothing, transportation, food, bills. The 25 year old can work, but is refusing any treatment. The 25 year old could collect benefits but can't because he doesn't want to take the time to do the paperwork. I was LIVID and my partner could not figure out why. It didn't ever occur to him what I might be angry about.
The cherry on top. A few days later, after he'd gotten on the bus, he messages his dad and says he can't find his buddy and has nowhere to stay and wants a ticket back. This seems very...strange to me since he'd been talking to his buddy every time he came over..and I was VERY suspicious. So my partner sends him the money...doesn't buy him the ticket...just sends him cold, hard cash. And his son phones and tries to tell his dad that he didn't get the money and to send it again. He tells him he sent the cash and hangs up. Few days later I ask my partner how his son is doing, and he tells me his son decided to stay for awhile...I'm like ok, you've been scammed. Guaranteed him and his buddies used my partner to scam drug money. And last night as I was plugging our phones in to charge for the night (we have a charging station), my partners phone flashes a message from the son, basically trying to guilt his dad into "helping him out", "because we just started talking again", "help me out man". I didn't want to seem nosey and as quick as I seen it, I walked away (I knew from those few words what was happening) so when he came in I'm like "Hey, your phone went off", and he goes to check it and I'm like "Who was it?" and he proceeds to tell me it's work. I can almost guarantee that he sent more money because he left the house, got in his truck and took off somewhere without telling me. The fact he lied made me want to throw up. He'd also just paid off the debt that his nephew ran up on his grandmothers VISA, because he also refuses to work and needs to buy drugs. I'm saving for our kids future, rrsp, resp, tfsa, sports/activities. I work hard and I'm terrified that when we split I'll be left taking care of our sons financial needs alone because he's taking care of all these family members who could careless about our son. I'm so angry and this whole situation has made our relationship so untrusting and hostile. We do our best when our son is around but the minute he's asleep, I can't be a in room with him. His son should have stayed where he was. I wish I had NEVER opened that damn door. | ||
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Joined: June 27, 2016
Posted: February 7, 2018, 1:45 AM
Hi Northernlilly, So sorry your husband is taking a ride on the addiction roller coaster. Ugh, it is an awful feeling, that pit in your stomach.... the calling for money will go on for as long as your husband keeps giving. The grandmother should cut up her credit cards so no one can use them. I move my accounts out of the bank my son uses because I was joint on his account and when he was negative, the bank took from MY account! my mistake - I gave my son my cred card to use for a week or two a few months ago when he was starting a new job. he charged up $600 in two weeks!... I cut up that card. they really don't care how much debt we get into or have to pay off. they just keep asking - it is relentless. it will not stop easily. two yrs ago my son lived far away. he constantly called and asked for $20 or what ever I could send. then he would say "can I have 100, I will make it last"... HA! my idea of make it last was a week, he made it last two days!
the first years we were in the addiction trenches we did not know what we were up against. we thought our son would wise up and get out of the addiction and so on... every time we helped and gave $ we thought that was the last time. it goes on for years. be proactive and bank as much of your income in your own account. only give to the house hold what you have to. addiction bankrupts families. try to get your husband to some kind of addiction counseling for family. it is not his fault - he was lied to. for years we wanted to believe our son even when our gut felt it was wrong. your husband has to learn how to deal with his son at his son's level. logic does not work. :( sorry to be so blunt. you have every right to be angry. this problem is not going to go away. save yourself while you still can. I would not say to leave your husband, unless you feel you must. but to have an honest discussion about the finances and let him know you are not going to watch your $ go to vancouvor. if your husband feels he has to give something he can set a very small limit. tell his son he will only send that amount once per month and he will not answer his phone for the rest of the month. your husband has to set boundaries and tell his son the boundaries. This post has been edited by NyToFlorida on February 7, 2018, 1:48 AM | ||
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Posts: 5
Joined: December 14, 2017
Posted: February 7, 2018, 6:52 PM
I've suggested time and time again that he goes to counselling. Both him and his son share the same personality traits when it comes to lashing out, having short fuses and basically avoiding facing issues. It works against both of them, and I feel like in order for him to deal with his sons situation he needs help too.
I've made it a bottomline that if he starts lying or continues to support his son who refuses to seek any treatment, I will remove myself and the child from the home. If his son was trying, I would be ok with some financial help, however, his son just won't grow up. It doesnt help that my partner sits there and excuses his sons behaviour by saying "He's had to go through a lot"...ok but a) thats partially your fault and you need to heal along with him then, and b)So haven't the rest of us, but we don't use it over and over as an excuse to hurt others. | ||
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Posted: February 7, 2018, 8:41 PM
Yes, people go through very tough times and don't use drugs. While it is true he has been through a lot, in this case, he is using this to manipulate your husband for money. As you said, your husband really needs counseling and/or Al-Anon to drop the rock of misplaced guilt. It does no good but to keep serving the addiction.
I also feel your frustration being in this situation and your husband not willing to change. Time to get off the merry-go-round. I hope he sees this situation for what it is. I was in a place where he is, and going to Al-Anon/coming here/reading finally helped me see that I was being conned and that my guilt and helpfulness were definitely part of the problem. Wishing you peace tonight. | ||
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Posts: 5
Joined: December 14, 2017
Posted: February 7, 2018, 10:56 PM
I guess it's the whole manipulation thing that bothers me. I dislike watching this happen to anyone and it's worse when it's being done to someone I love.
I think it's hard for me to know what to do when I don't want to make it seem like I'm making him choose between us and his son. However I don't feel it is appropriate for this "child" to be active in our family if he chooses to use, as I believe active-addicts should not be around children...especially a 3.5 yr old. I felt as though I was polite to him & treated him like part of the family. It is clear now that we were being used. It also makes me wonder if he guilted his dad by saying that he (my partner) was supporting us and therefore he should be supported to as he's his flesh and blood. From what little I seen of the text message ("your my dad"...), it was pure manipulation and I know my partner feels the guilt of being partially responsible for his sons situation (from some of the conversations we've had). When the son first showed up my partner was way more open, now everything is a secret...I feel like theyre saying "She'll never understand" and don't want to include me. If it gets worse the bottomline will be removing my son and myself from the equation. I don't do secrets and I won't tolerate being lied to. I have more respect for my son and myself than that. | ||
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